I don't want to blog at all, to be honest, but I'll regret it if I don't.
To start with, since I've felt weird about leaving the previous entry up, I did of course love going to Easters, I had a wonderful time, we did really well, I made a lot of friends, all my fears were unfounded, and while I did get too drunk one night, cry on about ten different peoples shoulders and end up sleeping topless on top of my sheets in a room I was sharing with three guys, that did just kind of end up being a funny thing we laughed about after. Actually, we fist bumped over how great my boobs are. Which they are, obviously.
Of course, I was very upset about Liz, and I got a few very distressing bits of news over the weekend, but it was better being with my best friend and surrounded by people that not only know and love her, but love me too.
Mia's drama was okay to deal with, I supported her, she supported me. I've actually ended up being much cooler with people left with other people, I don't need her holding my hand to function, though she is the ultimate bae a lot of the time, like when I need water but don't want to ask the waitress, or when I needed toilet paper to blow my nose (got a cold), but there was a long line at the toilet I didn't want to push in front of, she'd just handle that kind of thing. The random stuff, she's good for that.
I had my goodbye with Liz when I got back. It was pretty nice I guess. I told her all about Easters and gave her all the news, and I told her I loved her and that she was the best cousin ever etc, and she said she loved me very much and was very proud of me, so I don't think I'll forget those things in a hurry.
It's overwhelming now. I just want to curl up in the corner of the shower and cry, and everything feels very distant and weird, like nothing else matters except that she's dying but the world has a tendency not to stop for anything. And I can't decide what the right way to react is, so half the time I'm just mentally chanting 'it's a choice to feel bad' and starving it off with counting to ten, over and over and over, or just genuinely not thinking about it, or being empathetic to other people about them feeling sad about it. It doesn't make me sad to talk about her, I don't feel anything. I just feel like it's another plane of reality and from where I am, it's just a matter of fact statement.
So I don't know how I'm doing emotionally. I feel just like, I don't know, down. I don't want to do anything. Not uni work, or seeing friends, or anything. But as soon as I actually do those things, it's fine, I just slip into normal mode and I can get through it fine and I don't know if that's real or fake but it's easy. I just crawl back into bed after.
It's not like I can't appreciate all the regular things, I just... I don't know. If someone messages me a joke, I'll still laugh and respond just like I normally would, but it just has a tinge of weirdness to it.
Everyone has been perfectly lovely of course, and I'm almost trying to work out with stuff works best on me, so I know for next time when I'm on the other side and I don't know what to say. At this point though, it just all feels dumb, the sympathy. Like, I expect it, they give it, it's heartfelt and genuine and I appreciate it, but it's also meaningless because she's still about to die and no one can fix that part. That's why I wish people who are also hurting would talk to me, and not just make it about how much I'm hurting. They do it because they don't want me to feel like they're being insensitive to my feelings but I just want to stop talking about me and I'd rather help them. I don't know why it doesn't hurt to deal with other people's grief but it doesn't. I'd rather take care of other people than be taken care of, at least in this instance.
I don't know. I have a lot of support, it's overwhelming. Everyone is only a message or a phone call away but I know I'm not going to ask for them. Except Mia, I guess. I've texted her before that I wanted her. And I think I'll ask Jen to please come to the funeral. She probably would anyway, she's thoughtful that way, but I think I'd really like her there, if she can. I only told Megan yesterday. I don't know why.
It's all just strange.
To start with, since I've felt weird about leaving the previous entry up, I did of course love going to Easters, I had a wonderful time, we did really well, I made a lot of friends, all my fears were unfounded, and while I did get too drunk one night, cry on about ten different peoples shoulders and end up sleeping topless on top of my sheets in a room I was sharing with three guys, that did just kind of end up being a funny thing we laughed about after. Actually, we fist bumped over how great my boobs are. Which they are, obviously.
Of course, I was very upset about Liz, and I got a few very distressing bits of news over the weekend, but it was better being with my best friend and surrounded by people that not only know and love her, but love me too.
Mia's drama was okay to deal with, I supported her, she supported me. I've actually ended up being much cooler with people left with other people, I don't need her holding my hand to function, though she is the ultimate bae a lot of the time, like when I need water but don't want to ask the waitress, or when I needed toilet paper to blow my nose (got a cold), but there was a long line at the toilet I didn't want to push in front of, she'd just handle that kind of thing. The random stuff, she's good for that.
I had my goodbye with Liz when I got back. It was pretty nice I guess. I told her all about Easters and gave her all the news, and I told her I loved her and that she was the best cousin ever etc, and she said she loved me very much and was very proud of me, so I don't think I'll forget those things in a hurry.
It's overwhelming now. I just want to curl up in the corner of the shower and cry, and everything feels very distant and weird, like nothing else matters except that she's dying but the world has a tendency not to stop for anything. And I can't decide what the right way to react is, so half the time I'm just mentally chanting 'it's a choice to feel bad' and starving it off with counting to ten, over and over and over, or just genuinely not thinking about it, or being empathetic to other people about them feeling sad about it. It doesn't make me sad to talk about her, I don't feel anything. I just feel like it's another plane of reality and from where I am, it's just a matter of fact statement.
So I don't know how I'm doing emotionally. I feel just like, I don't know, down. I don't want to do anything. Not uni work, or seeing friends, or anything. But as soon as I actually do those things, it's fine, I just slip into normal mode and I can get through it fine and I don't know if that's real or fake but it's easy. I just crawl back into bed after.
It's not like I can't appreciate all the regular things, I just... I don't know. If someone messages me a joke, I'll still laugh and respond just like I normally would, but it just has a tinge of weirdness to it.
Everyone has been perfectly lovely of course, and I'm almost trying to work out with stuff works best on me, so I know for next time when I'm on the other side and I don't know what to say. At this point though, it just all feels dumb, the sympathy. Like, I expect it, they give it, it's heartfelt and genuine and I appreciate it, but it's also meaningless because she's still about to die and no one can fix that part. That's why I wish people who are also hurting would talk to me, and not just make it about how much I'm hurting. They do it because they don't want me to feel like they're being insensitive to my feelings but I just want to stop talking about me and I'd rather help them. I don't know why it doesn't hurt to deal with other people's grief but it doesn't. I'd rather take care of other people than be taken care of, at least in this instance.
I don't know. I have a lot of support, it's overwhelming. Everyone is only a message or a phone call away but I know I'm not going to ask for them. Except Mia, I guess. I've texted her before that I wanted her. And I think I'll ask Jen to please come to the funeral. She probably would anyway, she's thoughtful that way, but I think I'd really like her there, if she can. I only told Megan yesterday. I don't know why.
It's all just strange.
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