I want to write about Lizzy but I don't know what exactly about her I want to talk about. Every day I am a bit better I think. I still think about her often, a hundred times a day easily. But it's never with like, the stabbing pain of grief. It's hard to describe without feeling like I'm letting her down by saying that things are fine. But it's not anything like the panic or grief that came on in the weeks before she died, when I was walking around feeling like my heart was going to burn out of my chest, or crying in the toilets of a club because I couldn't deal with music that reminded me of her, or the numb acceptance over Easter, that cumulated with getting so drunk I cried on every shoulder and passed out barely to remember being cared for and put to bed so I didn't die of alcohol poisoning or choke to death.

Apart from the last one, which scares me to death that I don't remember any part of getting sick or that anyone else came to help me, it's comforting to know that I grieved 'appropriately', that I had a spiral and that I was heartsick and I was impacted heavily.

Now, it's like this. I wake up, I remember. I get dressed, still normally at least partially in black. Nobody told me to wear black, but I find it ridiculously comforting. It makes things easy, and I feel like I'm doing the right thing. It helps me remember and maybe help others remember what I'm going through. I wear either black ribbons in my hair, or gold ones that were Liz's. When I listen to music, I skip through until I find ones that remind me of her, because that's all I want to hear. I haven't found anything particularly satisfying, but I can't stand to listen to anything else, I don't want to hear music about romance or dumb, inconsequential shit, because my cousin died and people die and the rest doesn't matter. Of course, I understand that that is a perspective that solely belongs to me and is brought on completely due to me still grieving, and that I can't judge the rest of society for not stopping because of how this tragedy has affected me. All the same though, I can't listen to a lot of music right now.

I cried at her funeral, briefly, but not really since. I could I suppose, if I put my laptop down, curled up, put my blanket over my head and let it out, but I don't want to. I don't need to.

Her funeral was the strangest thing. I was at the front of course, in the second row, behind her brothers and sisters/ Mum and Dad, and her white coffin was right there. The one thing that stuck out to me was how small it was. Not small in that she was like a child or whatever, but just that it was probably not that roomy in there. No one alive would like to be put in a box like that. It made it very real, that her body, her real, physical body was in there. Everything I knew of her was hidden inside that box, only metres away. It was very disturbing and upsetting. It made it hard to focus on anything except that her corpse was right there. I hate the word corpse.

It's not a nice thing to admit I guess, but I try to have a few pretences on this blog as possible, but I tried to look as pretty as possible for the funeral. I had the most beautiful dress, I got a haircut, I shaved my legs and wore high heels and did my makeup to perfection and painted my nails and curled my hair and wore brand new ribbons... etc etc. It was like the only part of the funeral I could prepare for so I obsessed about it. It felt so good to have the dress bought, the day before she even died, because it made me so much calmer. Social events are hard enough without the anxiety over not being dressed appropriately or being uncomfortable in something I'm wearing. I'm grateful I managed to avoid all that. But also, I did just want to look pretty. Almost everyone I knew were there. My family, my friends, the people I have crushes on, the friends of Lizzy's who I didn't know well but that I needed to impress and prove that Liz loved me best, and show that I was calm and dignified and a proper host, someone who could say thank you to everyone for being there, and act as spokesperson from family to friends.

It was really nice how many people came. Liz was of course, well loved. With a large family, from a large parish, with active membership in multiple clubs at uni, from a large local high school, it made sense, but it was still touching. Even just of my friends, Mia, Megan and another girl friend came down from Sydney, just to be there, as well as Jen, who I asked to be there, despite her only meeting Liz twice, both in the last three months. If I could have anyone there, I wanted Jen, and all I had to do was ask. It was overwhelmingly nice of her. Not to say I wouldn't have done the same, but having friends that will drop anything to support you, even if it means sitting in the back of a church where you know nobody, in a ceremony for a faith you don't believe in or agree with, for a girl you don't really know. Jen did that for me, even though it's not like she could sit with me or offer more practical support, it was actually enough to have her there at the back. It comforted me to know she was listening to the same ceremony I was, that she could probably see the back of my head, even if I couldn't turn around and see her, that she was going through the experience with me.

Of course, I felt equally blessed to have the other girls there as well, and Mia's support has been invaluable to me, but I've known them going on ten years now and best friend-ship from them is par for the course almost. Jen I've known almost a year and a half and she's so well wrapped up in the fabric of my life now that it's hard to imagine life without her, but it still is new. Like any relationship, we're still in the honeymoon phase. Mia and I get our seven/ten year itch now and again, but Jen is still a joy in the way where you can't imagine things being different, though of course, I'm sure one day we'll fight and we'll grow to love each other enough to be irritated with each other's annoying quirks, but that's not a bad thing, it's just a different stage of being in an intimate friendship that involves accepting that they aren't perfect and that we can love them regardless.

That's how it is with Mia anyway. She isn't perfect but I love her, not just in spite of her flaws, but because of them. When you grow to know someone's flaws, you also grow to understand their insecurities, their problems, their mindset, and though that isn't always shiny and bright, it's also much more uniquely them. Everyone can be perfect, for awhile, but not everyone can be your best friend.

Though I do have many best friends and now Mia is super jelly of Jen. It's difficult because I am of course, head over heels for Jen, and being in the honeymoon period of our friendship, where things are still changing and growing without strict patterns or definition, it's quite different to Mia and I, as our friendship is, though still changing as we grow up, much more ingrained, requiring less words, time spent together and less affirmations generally. Only with Mia and Ben breaking up coupled with my close new friendship with Jen, suddenly our dynamic of Mia being my Number 1, and Ben being Mia's number 1, has switched to Jen being my Number 1, while I am Mia's number 1.

At least in Mia's mind. For her, it's like she's lost both her top people, and though it's not necessarily true that Mia has lost me as her Numero Uno, it's not out of the realm of reality to suggest it. I like to think I love them equally, though differently, but I suppose that is still a demotion from first priority, to equal first.

And I do not judge her at all for any insecurity. I have been known to get jealous whenever she hangs out with a girl more than twice, lets be real, though as I've grown up I have realised that having more friends doesn't in any way lessen the love for any of those individuals. Practically though, it does change how much you talk to each person about each issue and that not all people can be apart of each shared experience. Again, life, and Mia has had Ben for so many years, I've never been her first priority in that way, so I learnt that that was okay, eventually. Of course, I am also kind of enjoying Mia being jelly, because being in demand is always flattering. Of course, I don't actually want her to be hurt or insecure, but a few weeks of 'boo jen, we hate her' playground type joking around from her isn't going to hurt anyone in the long run, it's just an adjustment period.

Anyways, bed time. Seeing my cousin Jack tomorrow, we'll see how he is. i doubt he'll admit to many feelings but I'll ask him how everybody is. Especially my Auntie, who everyone is most worried about.

xoxogossiplucy

Recounting adventures

Gosh, so I had a weird night.

Jen, Jen's bffl Tilly, Mia and I all went out together last night, which was good times. We pre-drank at mine, which wasn't the original plan, but at like 8pm I wake up from a nap and decided to order pizza and then Jen was like, hey are you keen to #getrkd and I was like, but nap and pizza, but I was quickly convinced. I've been at home too much lately and it's nice to do things that make me happy, rather than be sad always. I didn't rule out the possibility that drinking would send me into a cry fest, but it didn't.

Anyways, I ordered my pizza and when it was ready, I realised both cars were gone and I had no way to pick it up, so I begged Jen and Tilly to come over to mine and pick it up on the way, which they did #ultimatebaes.

Then we hung out for awhile, Mia came over eventually, cos I invited her and it worked quite well. We're still working on the foundations of our friendship as a quartet but I have faith. It's weird because Mia and Jen are my best friends, and Tilly and I are Jen's best friends. All we need is Mia to become best friends with Tilly and then everyone will have two bff's in the group. But basically as it is now, it's like Jen and Tilly and then Mia and I, though since Mia came late/left early, we got to explore the OT3 of Jen/Tilly/Lucy which was pretty great too.

It was pretty much the gayest night of my life. Jen and Tilly are super homo, all the time. I mean, not actually gay, as in Tilly has a boyfriend and Jen at least is straight, but still, Capital G Gay. Mia's not into that, but that's fine, I don't particularly want that kind of friendship with her so all g. But there was lots of kissing, which I liked, mostly after Mia left, and then we went full frontal skinny dipping, and then came back to mine and showered together, which again, was pretty lovely #galpals. We lit candles and then just sat down in the shower for ages in the warm.

Then we fell asleep pretty much straight away. Jen and I held hands literally all night long, and woke up so sore omg. Like, my arm was pretty much numb. I was like, I think we're still holding hands but I can't feel anything below the elbow. But it was super nice to wake up holding hands with someone I love. I think holding hands is very underrated as a form of affection. Actually, Mia and I need to bring that back. And cheek kisses, I'm a big fan of all kinds of face kisses.

It's nice to be here, to have this be my life. Of course, there are things I don't much like about my life, and I'm still very much grieving for Liz-- right now I'm sad that I can't tell her any of this, because she'd love hearing deets of me kissing girls and kissing two girls at the same time and all the nude shenanigans but unfortunately that's not a side of me she's ever going to get to know and I'm really sad that just over a year from now, I'll be older than she was when she died and I'll have the chance to get a million more experiences, of all kinds, and she'll be forever cut off at twenty two. Considering how much new stuff I experience in a year, that's such an unspeakable tragedy, because it's quite immeasurable how much stuff she's missed out. Like, come the beginning of May next year, that's when I'll have as much time living as she did. Anything past that is bonus round. And considering how much my life has changed for the better since 12 months ago-- I have so many new friends, I've done so many new things and changed so much, I can only guess where I will be in mid 2016.

But anyway, it was a nice, weird, vaguely surreal night. I'm glad, it was a break from all the dull panic and sadness of the week.

Things continue to be very strange. The funeral was yesterday, it wasn't nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be and not as sad either. But in a bad way, like it just continued to feel somber and weird but not like a twenty two year old is dead forever type bad.

And having the wake at her house just felt wrong, because Mia was there and it was like, I've done a million of these family gatherings, for lots of reasons before, but with Liz as my buddy. And now it's not her and it's never going to be her again. So being with Mia instead, and seeing her picture on the table and kind of understanding that we were there because she wasn't, that this was her event, her day, was... strange. Underwhelming is the wrong word because it did hit me and I haven't stopped thinking about it, but it wasn't overwhelming either, like it just occurred to me and I thought 'oh' and then I kept on keeping on. Like the saying 'You die twice, once when you stop breathing and twice, when someone says your name for the last time.' I always pictured that as like someone in some far off place hitting a gong and the reverberations are felt faintly by everyone-- not enough to know why, but its still a very significant moment. That's how it felt to see her picture on the table.

~~

Things are still progressing in an expected way. I'm still very sad, I'm still very confused, but I know it's all still normal to feel disconnected from the rest of everyday life at this point and to jump around when it comes to thinking about Lizzy and that she's gone/ having hope that she's not.

I think apart from struggling to have interest in other stuff, I'm okay. I hate that things are the way they are, and I feel like her death put a lot of things in perspective. I had a few intrusive thoughts of the 'if I knew there was an afterlife, I'd kill myself so she wouldn't be alone' variety, because it does kill me to know that if any part of her survived, like her soul or whatever, and she's living on somewhere by herself, that if I were her, I would be very, very scared and I would want someone with me. Like when Rose died in Titanic, it was okay, she was coming home to everyone that she'd loved, but when you die before everyone else, I don't think it's like that.

I mean, I don't think I believe in an afterlife, but especially now, it's not a very firm belief. I want to believe that Liz is in heaven. I want to believe that she's watching over me, that she hears my prayers, that she is still out there thinking about things and it's not 'what she would have wanted' past tense, but that she still wants things and has opinions, we just can't talk to her about them anymore. That's comforting and I'm willing to believe that right now. It's too much to believe that someone that was just as much a person with thoughts and feelings and opinions and emotions as me, is suddenly gone. She was still here two weeks ago. A month ago she was writing in her diary, just like I'm blogging right now.

When I go out, I keep thinking what would happen if I died in a car accident and suddenly I was gone too. I have a lot of morbid thoughts actually. Not super intrusive, not like clinically a problem, but still there. Just like being aware that life ends quickly and randomly, and when someone dies, nothing ends except them. Or you.

I don't know. As useless as it is, I just want Liz back. I miss her.

I spent so much time knowing the end was coming. From the time she got cancer until the time she died was about a year. It was just always so frustrating because nothing ever happened, she never looked sick. I just wanted it to be like a movie, where she got noticeably sick and lost her hair and went to hospital for treatment but then got better and stayed better. Instead it was just same same same until suddenly everything went much worse.

Like, it's probably the worst thing I thought in the last year but I just wanted her to get sicker, like actually looking sick, because I thought that was the only way to get her completely better. You go down to go up, you know? But instead, it just remained theoretical. Like, Stage $ doesn't mean anything unless you actually can feel side effects. For the most part, she never felt anything from the tumours, and it was just the drugs that made her sick, and that made it hard to conceptualise.

I don't know what I want now. I want to talk about her, but also I find it very difficult not to be glib when talking about her with other people. I just have the urge to be hyper realistic about it, to just state facts and say that I'm fine, or at least doing alright and not wanting to talk about it. I don't think that's how I actually want to talk about it but I don't know how to express myself. Maybe I'll never get the real chance to talk about it in the conditions that I want to. Because a) I don't actually know what I want, and b) maybe it won't be what I want anyway.

Like I said, this is all very strange.

Dear Lizzy,

                   I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. And I love you.

Lucy

The End

So Liz is gone.

It finally happened.

I've been waiting for a long time now and I'm not unhappy that it happened, because it was always going to and now she's not in pain, now we aren't all waiting on tenterhooks for the final eventuality that was always certain, even when everything else wasn't.

I feel very shaky, mentally at least, like I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone yet, and I won't upload this until after I can, so this is just in preparation. I don't feel different, considering the fact that Liz's consciousness, her own little body with it's infinite mind is no longer out there somewhere, ticking away. I thought that would scare me more. I thought the love would be gone, like if two people hold onto a rope and pull as hard as they can and suddenly the rope is cut at one end, I thought it would suddenly drop, and be done.

I thought that it would be like when you break up with someone and you know you'll never be able to see them or talk to them again, the relationship is completely void and for nothing, but it doesn't feel like that at all. I still know she loved me and I love her, I know those feelings exist, as long as I'm still here to comprehend them, maybe even longer. It's all static now, but it's like a good book, you can still hold it and touch it and reread it, even though the story is done. It's still tangible and you don't regret reading a book just because it's over.

I'm going to miss her of course, and I miss all the things we were supposed to have done together. I'm going to miss her texts, and her picking me up and telling her when I do things of note, and bragging to her, and ranting to her when I was fighting with friends and she'd always take my side.

She's not going to be able to do that stuff for me anymore.

I don't want her to be a side note in my history, the way married couples eventually learn all of their partners stories and compile them. She's too present for that, but I'm worried that ten years from now she won't be. I want her to feel like she'll still be important to me in a decade, or five decades. I don't want her name to get mentioned in passing once a year, I don't want people to just remark, oh how young, what a tragedy, and move on in two sentences, because that's not all there was, she isn't just a name and an age of death, she was a fully fledged person, who had a good side and a bad side and hopes and dreams and fears and envies and loves and passions and opinions and all of those things matter except no one I meet new now, no matter how important they become to me, are ever going to know all of that, and I don't know how heavily I'll be able to impress it upon them. I don't want any relationship with someone, even if it's when I'm 35 and I'm settling down, where the cousin Lizzy is just a factoid to remember, something I might give them hell for not remembering, but not anything of any real, emotional substance to them.

I'm worried also that it'll turn into that for me, just a fact of my life. I worry that it'll never feel like agony, like at each stage it was just like, okay, turn on the realism, this sucks, but we'll deal with it. And even now, finding out she's passed away doesn't feel any more shocking than finding out she was in palliative care, or that she had a few days left. In fact, because I knew for sure it was coming, it just felt like, okay. It's like, there was never grief, not a knockout, just a hard blow every now and then. Maybe that's just how sadness in the real world is. I don't feel strong for not feeling sad though, I just feel like I must not have loved her enough.

If it wasn't for my strong conviction that I know that isn't true, I'd be really angry with myself. As it is, I'm just sad. Just tired. Just down.

I bought a new black dress yesterday for the funeral. I didn't want to wait for her to die to do it, I thought it'd only be harder that way. It was an expensive dress but it's exactly right. It goes to my knees and it's conservative, but also soft and comfortable and classy. I'm glad it's one less thing to think about. I don't know what the funeral will be like. I've been thinking about it of course, for awhile. Every time I saw Liz in the past year, I always was kind of putting her eulogy together in my head. I know that's morbid. And I very much doubt I'll be speaking at all at her funeral... but I want to. If I could. I'd do a good job, I'd do her justice. She gave the speech at my 21st, I would like to return the favour if I could. I'd probably cry but I'd write it down and I'd make it really good.

But if I don't get a chance, that's fine too. She knows everything I want to say, and for everyone else it's just a performance.

I don't want to blog at all, to be honest, but I'll regret it if I don't.

To start with, since I've felt weird about leaving the previous entry up, I did of course love going to Easters, I had a wonderful time, we did really well, I made a lot of friends, all my fears were unfounded, and while I did get too drunk one night, cry on about ten different peoples shoulders and end up sleeping topless on top of my sheets in a room I was sharing with three guys, that did just kind of end up being a funny thing we laughed about after. Actually, we fist bumped over how great my boobs are. Which they are, obviously.

Of course, I was very upset about Liz, and I got a few very distressing bits of news over the weekend, but it was better being with my best friend and surrounded by people that not only know and love her, but love me too.

Mia's drama was okay to deal with, I supported her, she supported me. I've actually ended up being much cooler with people left with other people, I don't need her holding my hand to function, though she is the ultimate bae a lot of the time, like when I need water but don't want to ask the waitress, or when I needed toilet paper to blow my nose (got a cold), but there was a long line at the toilet I didn't want to push in front of, she'd just handle that kind of thing. The random stuff, she's good for that.

I had my goodbye with Liz when I got back. It was pretty nice I guess. I told her all about Easters and gave her all the news, and I told her I loved her and that she was the best cousin ever etc, and she said she loved me very much and was very proud of me, so I don't think I'll forget those things in a hurry.

It's overwhelming now. I just want to curl up in the corner of the shower and cry, and everything feels very distant and weird, like nothing else matters except that she's dying but the world has a tendency not to stop for anything. And I can't decide what the right way to react is, so half the time I'm just mentally chanting 'it's a choice to feel bad' and starving it off with counting to ten, over and over and over, or just genuinely not thinking about it, or being empathetic to other people about them feeling sad about it. It doesn't make me sad to talk about her, I don't feel anything. I just feel like it's another plane of reality and from where I am, it's just a matter of fact statement.

So I don't know how I'm doing emotionally. I feel just like, I don't know, down. I don't want to do anything. Not uni work, or seeing friends, or anything. But as soon as I actually do those things, it's fine, I just slip into normal mode and I can get through it fine and I don't know if that's real or fake but it's easy. I just crawl back into bed after.

It's not like I can't appreciate all the regular things, I just... I don't know. If someone messages me a joke, I'll still laugh and respond just like I normally would, but it just has a tinge of weirdness to it.

Everyone has been perfectly lovely of course, and I'm almost trying to work out with stuff works best on me, so I know for next time when I'm on the other side and I don't know what to say. At this point though, it just all feels dumb, the sympathy. Like, I expect it, they give it, it's heartfelt and genuine and I appreciate it, but it's also meaningless because she's still about to die and no one can fix that part. That's why I wish people who are also hurting would talk to me, and not just make it about how much I'm hurting. They do it because they don't want me to feel like they're being insensitive to my feelings but I just want to stop talking about me and I'd rather help them. I don't know why it doesn't hurt to deal with other people's grief but it doesn't. I'd rather take care of other people than be taken care of, at least in this instance.

I don't know. I have a lot of support, it's overwhelming. Everyone is only a message or a phone call away but I know I'm not going to ask for them. Except Mia, I guess. I've texted her before that I wanted her. And I think I'll ask Jen to please come to the funeral. She probably would anyway, she's thoughtful that way, but I think I'd really like her there, if she can. I only told Megan yesterday. I don't know why.

It's all just strange.

So Easters is tomorrow and I'm so worried about it. I don't want to go, I really really really don't. I was looking forward to it, and I was excited that I got in a good team and I like all the girls going, even if I'm not ultra close to them, and the boys are all nice, but I just don't do that well in group settings, I'm too quiet and everyone else gets along so well and I just end up on the sidelines and it makes me super sad.

And I don't want to have fun right now, I just want to stay home and be sad, and I don't want to be away for Easter, I want to be at home with my family, and with Liz and I don't have anything to wear for the Championship dinner and I'm scared I'm not good enough and I'm worried about the drama that is going to happen and I'm just fantasising about messaging Ben and telling him I don't want to go, and I know he'd just convince me to come anyway, but I just know it's not going to be fun half the time, and the boys in my team, one of them I know and I don't like that much, like he's okay but not my type of person at all, and the other I have never spoken to, but he just graduated from Smith's Hill, so I think we'll get along, but he's still a stranger and it's just going to be awkward and embarrassing because I'm going to mess things up and if they have hopes of breaking, I'm going to crush them, because I know I'm not good enough to break and I just don't want to put myself through letting them down and being a shit teammate.

I just don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to feel out of place and annoyed at everything and alone and I know I will. Women's was lovely because Liz was there and I always need at least one person that I know really really well, and I do have that people Mia is coming but she's going to have her own drama and she's a bit less reliable in that way.

It's frustrating because I know I'm going to force myself to go and I'm going to enjoy it and I'm never going to regret going but I just wish I didn't have this anxiety about it. And I want to be really involved in the Debating Society, but I don't know how to be and I'm just stresssssssed.

I need to calm my shit. I'm going to go there, debate and enjoy it, drink wine and spirits and have a great time and make friends and whisper and gossip with Mia and not hate it. I just need to be cool.

My life is basically the titanic, its taking awhile but things are slowly sinking and I dont think there is a happy ending in sight

So things are a bit better maybe?

I've been going around these last few weeks with this stress and sadness that I couldn't shake off and while nothing has changed in the situation, I'm finally dealing with it better.

Mia had an Honours assignment that involved a 10 minute filmed roleplay where I talk about my problems for 10 minutes and she uses all the therapist techniques like paraphrasing and reflection to respond. I still think it's dumb, like you literally offer no advice and you aren't allowed to lead people, literally all you can do is say 'so I'm hearing that you are feeling...' or 'so you said blah blah blah, could you tell me exactly what you mean by that?' but somehow, it actually helped. I think it only helped because it was me talking to Mia and so now she understands what I'm thinking better, and I always get desperate when I think no one understands. But surprisingly, I think just saying a bunch of my fears out loud helped. I was trying not to let it get silent, because obviously, it was for her grade and I needed to make it super easy for her, so I said more than I probably would any other time and it might have helped me put some things I was thinking already into words.

It was kind of like a confession.

And in class, we're learning lots of techniques for clients who are sad or angry and while I am already remarkably self aware because I am constantly examining my thoughts and feelings and I use a lot of these techniques already, especially writing letters and burning them, drawing etc, and there was one that was pretty lame, where you identify the source of pain/sensation in your body that is caused by emotional problems and you focus on it, and then you start describing it, like the colour, the weight, the location, intensity etc, and thats supposed to make it less intense and allow you to deal with it. It's a bit wishy washy but I've had this bowling ball vine wrapped around my heart and it makes it hard to breathe and concentrate on anything else and I felt it before I had this lecture so I didn't just create it in response to it, and so I decided to try it and it kind of did help. So there you go.

Liz is actually at home now, but it's not because she's better, it's because there is nothing more anyone can do, and she wants to die at home, not in hospital. So she has a palliative care nurse that comes in each day. I haven't seen her this week, though I'd like to, she can't see and so she doesn't get texts or anything, and her Mum didn't reply when I messaged her, asking if I could come over. I have like, a special VIP pass for visiting, in that, after immediate family, I am considered the next closest. I have a rank all to myself.

Also, Liz's girlfriend Viv, who is my friend, messaged and was like, hey I heard, i'm thinking of you and your family etc etc and I didn't know how to reply, because I know it's hard for Viv too, unfortunately, they've only known each other six weeks so even if it was meant to be, it didn't get to really take off and I don't really know how in the know she is, especially because it's not like Liz can update her herself, it's more her parents. And I don't know what to say, because while I do think it must be hard for her, it's not a comparable loss and I don't know how to approach that idea with tact. Like, Viv is being lovely and totally understanding that this is my family, but I want to include her and make her feel valued and like her own grief is valid, but I don't know how to do it without undercutting my own loss. Because if they'd known each other even 3 months longer, then Viv's role could have been so much bigger. I don't know, it's complicated.

Easters is less than two days away and it's complicated by the fact that it has always been Liz's thing, and that she basically started the Debating Society, so people know her and I'm so so so grateful (even if this is terrible) that I'm family, because it means I don't have to push to be recognised as the most hurt because I am and at least this way people recognise it and I don't have to deal with people not getting it, how big this is or how much it is affected me. Tonight Mia and I went to Kmart for baby clothes for a baby shower for a friend of hers and she said something about how when I have a baby girl, she'll buy all the clothes for it because she'll be Godmother and it's really terrible, but I have this story right, where I get preggers (it was in the aftermath of a friend's pregnancy, I am always inspired by life) and in the story, Mia and I fight. Actually, I'll just copy it in, might as well.

“Mia, I know you’re going to get really upset when I tell you this but you’re going to have to find out at some point anyway so can you just try to promise not to be hurt?” 

“What?” She said warily.
  

“Um, I’ve asked Lizzy to be the baby’s Godmother. I know you have kind of expected it, and it’s nothing against you or any doubts I have on the longevity of our friendship, it’s just, she’s family. And if something happens to me… I don’t know, I guess she’d go to the Dad but, I don’t know, it just seemed like the right decision.”  

”But—but it’s my little Godchild. They need to be able to come to me for advice on dating and to complain about you, and I’ll be the cool Godmother who slips them money—”  

“You can still do all those things. Against my better judgment and the fact that I think it’s totally weird, I’ll even let you be Aunty Mia if you want.”  

“But that sucks. I’m your best friend.”  

“I know. And you’re going to be a major part of the baby’s life…. But family is family. Lizzy isn’t allowed to leave me.”  

“I’m not going to fucking leave!”  

“You are going to be my family. When we’re older and you marry Ben and I find someone, we’ll go camping together and be family friends and kids I have later will be besties with yours, I really want all that, but right now… we’re not old enough to know for sure that’ll happen. I’m not old enough to be a mother, we all know that, and I just have to be 100% sure that who I pick is going to be around forever. Lizzy I know for sure.”

And it's just so shit because Lizzy isn't going to be around forever and that stresses me out more than any other part of it, because it's ruining everything, everything I ever built up in my head about how family life was supposed to be. My mum doesn't have friends, she just has sisters, and that's why all us cousins are so close, and I've never had family friends who we call aunt or uncle even though they aren't actually related, so that's not a phenomenon I've ever experienced. I always just thought Mia would be Mia to by kids as well, not this pseudo family crap.  Like, I always thought there was a difference. I mean, I'm all for family being who you chose, but I do think family, real family, the people you spend holidays with and are related to, that matters. And with children, they go to family, you don't just foster them onto people you know, no matter how close friends you are.

Only today Mia said it and I realised without Liz, they would go to Mia, she will be the Godmother, and that's freaking me out, not because I don't think she'd do a good job or something, but just because thats not how it's supposed to be.

I'm a realist, I am. I understand that friendships and relationships don't always last, I always make sure that friends would be able to survive a break up if it happened, and I accept that not all friendships will last a lifetime, that's life. But I never even thought about cousins or my brother or anyone, they're like, the environment, not a variable that can be added or removed. But this time next month... I don't think Liz will be here anymore.

If I write anymore, I'll cry. Considering I started this post with 'things are a bit better', I don;t know how true that was. I mean, i think it's true, but now I've got that out, I need to stop, and I'll leave you all hanging as to the things that are going better. But Mia and I are good, and that always helps.