So, what's the happenings in my life.
Eh.
Things with boy have come to a halt. I tried to invite him out but he was busy, and he really isn't meeting me halfway so clearly he isn't interested and I'm backing off. I'll revisit the idea when uni starts back in March. Hopefully I'll be skinnier then and he can be like whoa, Lucy is attractive, let's consider her for dating material.
My greater hope, above that he'll be into me if I was skinnier, is that I actually get to test that theory by becoming skinnier. This last 18 months have been horrific. I hated my body when I left for exchange, and I came back 5kg (at least) heavier than a weight that was horrifying already. I mean, I enjoyed every minute of British confectionary and oven cooked pizzas for dinner, but it never is worth it.
So, there is a change a'coming hopefully. I say that about five times a year. I always hope this time will be it. I'm stupid and optimistic, so I have faith.
I mean, I don't always hate my body. Mostly I like it and think I'm cute or sexy or whatever, but only with half a brain. The other half is 100% tuned into the 24 hour channel of knowing the truth and hating myself for it. The thing is, I genuinely do think I have a problem and I really should have called the psychologist when I got the referral but in my opinion, it's bad form to give a girl you've just diagnosed with anxiety and ED a phone number and tell her to call and arrange her appointment privately.
Like, that just makes sense not to give people with social anxiety phone calls to make about a situation they are unlikely to be comfortable or accepting of.
I also just want to deal with it myself, even though I know it's so stupid to do that when I know seeing someone else and letting them help will be beneficial to both my goals and my mental health. Pride is my downfall here I suppose, which sucks, because mental health, especially my own, is super high priority for me.
I also kinda want to talk about my bffl but on the other hand I'll feel guilty if I do because I'll be saying bad things and it's like with you-know-who, it was great when we were together but then when I was alone or with the bffl and she'd ask, so why didn't you ask that, why didn't this happen?, I'd realise there were serious red flags and problems and actually it wasn't okay, and now the same thing is happening, except she is the one who is the problem.
I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it, everything bad, every niggle, and I was seriously at the point of 'well, maybe we should stop being best friends for a few months and just not talk for awhile' but I countered that with, 'but who would I hang out with otherwise?' so literally, I am just keeping on for the sake of having my partner in crime.
But that isn't the whole situation either, because I do love spending time with her, we get on better and more easily than anyone else I know. It's just difficult when the flaws seem to be more obvious, our disagreements larger (over social/political topics), and any snubs more hurtful than ever before.
It's a best of times, worst of times thing. And really, after her needing space earlier in the semester and me saying the worst thing was that she did it passive aggressively, clearly I need to confront this or seem like a hypocrite, but it's hard.
Like, the night we got high, I had an amazing time personally, but all the negative parts, which were primarily that she was kind of a bitch and literally kicked me off when I put my head on her knee when she was leaning back against her boyf, when all I wanted was some kind of touch and comfort, because everything was so sensory but also because I was anxious of something going wrong, and that she just went to bed with the boyf, told me to let myself out in the morning because she wasn't planning on playing host, leaving me with just a drug dealer in the room, who she didn't know if he was also planning on sleeping there with me or not.
I think what I miss from her most is genuine considerations. I always come below the boyf, always come below her needs and sometimes, it's like she has no idea what I need at all and no wish to accomodate it if she did. Regardless, I don't think I'd ever get high in that group again because there really was no one there if I needed them. I couldn't have counted on her and that's a shitty state of affairs with your best friend, you know?
But when I saw her and we talked, all I said was that it'd been amazing and great, and she never asked how I got home when she didn't wake up til 1pm or how I was. I was just disappointed in her and maybe she'd think that's stupid but that's the deal, that's real, that's how I feel.
I need to stop comparing her to Jen. It's an awful habit.
I don't want to stop being friends with the bffl. I just need things to change. And not just me getting a boyfriend so she is no longer my most important friend and her being absent is no longer an issue. I have other friends who always get it, who take my hand with they know I'm sad, who recognise exactly and pay attention and rate my feelings above spending time with their boyfriend for a bit. Like, my friend Sarah, I'd love to get high with her, because I know exactly how it would be and feel and at the end she'd cuddle me and make sure I was happy and doing good if I wanted her too.
She just has a much bigger zone of acceptance and approachability and like, can prioritise multiple people. See, like, the bffl doesn't like her, thinks she's boring. I don't think that at all. I think she's kind. She's a Hufflepuff I think.
My bffls a Slytherin, no question.
Well, that's all that's on my mind right this minute. I need sleep.
If me and the bffl play squash tomorrow, I really need rest first. (and see? if I ditched her over the Summer, my Summer would suck. You know people who don't break up with their partner because it's so convenient having a person. I don't have a 'real' person, I just have her, but still, I can't ditch her. Friendship of convenience)
Eh.
Things with boy have come to a halt. I tried to invite him out but he was busy, and he really isn't meeting me halfway so clearly he isn't interested and I'm backing off. I'll revisit the idea when uni starts back in March. Hopefully I'll be skinnier then and he can be like whoa, Lucy is attractive, let's consider her for dating material.
My greater hope, above that he'll be into me if I was skinnier, is that I actually get to test that theory by becoming skinnier. This last 18 months have been horrific. I hated my body when I left for exchange, and I came back 5kg (at least) heavier than a weight that was horrifying already. I mean, I enjoyed every minute of British confectionary and oven cooked pizzas for dinner, but it never is worth it.
So, there is a change a'coming hopefully. I say that about five times a year. I always hope this time will be it. I'm stupid and optimistic, so I have faith.
I mean, I don't always hate my body. Mostly I like it and think I'm cute or sexy or whatever, but only with half a brain. The other half is 100% tuned into the 24 hour channel of knowing the truth and hating myself for it. The thing is, I genuinely do think I have a problem and I really should have called the psychologist when I got the referral but in my opinion, it's bad form to give a girl you've just diagnosed with anxiety and ED a phone number and tell her to call and arrange her appointment privately.
Like, that just makes sense not to give people with social anxiety phone calls to make about a situation they are unlikely to be comfortable or accepting of.
I also just want to deal with it myself, even though I know it's so stupid to do that when I know seeing someone else and letting them help will be beneficial to both my goals and my mental health. Pride is my downfall here I suppose, which sucks, because mental health, especially my own, is super high priority for me.
I also kinda want to talk about my bffl but on the other hand I'll feel guilty if I do because I'll be saying bad things and it's like with you-know-who, it was great when we were together but then when I was alone or with the bffl and she'd ask, so why didn't you ask that, why didn't this happen?, I'd realise there were serious red flags and problems and actually it wasn't okay, and now the same thing is happening, except she is the one who is the problem.
I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it, everything bad, every niggle, and I was seriously at the point of 'well, maybe we should stop being best friends for a few months and just not talk for awhile' but I countered that with, 'but who would I hang out with otherwise?' so literally, I am just keeping on for the sake of having my partner in crime.
But that isn't the whole situation either, because I do love spending time with her, we get on better and more easily than anyone else I know. It's just difficult when the flaws seem to be more obvious, our disagreements larger (over social/political topics), and any snubs more hurtful than ever before.
It's a best of times, worst of times thing. And really, after her needing space earlier in the semester and me saying the worst thing was that she did it passive aggressively, clearly I need to confront this or seem like a hypocrite, but it's hard.
Like, the night we got high, I had an amazing time personally, but all the negative parts, which were primarily that she was kind of a bitch and literally kicked me off when I put my head on her knee when she was leaning back against her boyf, when all I wanted was some kind of touch and comfort, because everything was so sensory but also because I was anxious of something going wrong, and that she just went to bed with the boyf, told me to let myself out in the morning because she wasn't planning on playing host, leaving me with just a drug dealer in the room, who she didn't know if he was also planning on sleeping there with me or not.
I think what I miss from her most is genuine considerations. I always come below the boyf, always come below her needs and sometimes, it's like she has no idea what I need at all and no wish to accomodate it if she did. Regardless, I don't think I'd ever get high in that group again because there really was no one there if I needed them. I couldn't have counted on her and that's a shitty state of affairs with your best friend, you know?
But when I saw her and we talked, all I said was that it'd been amazing and great, and she never asked how I got home when she didn't wake up til 1pm or how I was. I was just disappointed in her and maybe she'd think that's stupid but that's the deal, that's real, that's how I feel.
I need to stop comparing her to Jen. It's an awful habit.
I don't want to stop being friends with the bffl. I just need things to change. And not just me getting a boyfriend so she is no longer my most important friend and her being absent is no longer an issue. I have other friends who always get it, who take my hand with they know I'm sad, who recognise exactly and pay attention and rate my feelings above spending time with their boyfriend for a bit. Like, my friend Sarah, I'd love to get high with her, because I know exactly how it would be and feel and at the end she'd cuddle me and make sure I was happy and doing good if I wanted her too.
She just has a much bigger zone of acceptance and approachability and like, can prioritise multiple people. See, like, the bffl doesn't like her, thinks she's boring. I don't think that at all. I think she's kind. She's a Hufflepuff I think.
My bffls a Slytherin, no question.
Well, that's all that's on my mind right this minute. I need sleep.
If me and the bffl play squash tomorrow, I really need rest first. (and see? if I ditched her over the Summer, my Summer would suck. You know people who don't break up with their partner because it's so convenient having a person. I don't have a 'real' person, I just have her, but still, I can't ditch her. Friendship of convenience)
Sorry to hear about the boy *hugs*. I wouldn't be getting my hopes up *too* much about asking him out again if you've already spoken to him a bit, cos even if you did lose weight, your personality has already come across. Weight loss may not do the trick if he isn't into who you are as a person. But, if that's what you wanna do, fuck it: do it anyway. It's a good goal in and of itself, and there's nothing to lose by trying. You've done it before; you can do it again. Fuck faith -- we have *evidence* :D
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally get the pride thing with seeing someone about mental issues. If I were to see anyone else having a tough time, I wouldn't hesitate in recommending they go see someone; but if I think about recommending it to myself, it's like "well, heaps of other people got by without seeing someone about stuff, so why should I do that? That's not fair. Be tough. Get through it on your own." As if doing it alone somehow leads to better results in the long run, when all it really does is make the process take longer cos you're making easily-avoidable mistakes :P You should definitely use the referral, even if you wait a while until you're more comfortable with the idea.
Don't be too sorry, nothing has gone wrong with the guy at all tbh. I didn't ask him out or anything, I was just having coffee with the bffl and asked if he wanted to join us, but he was studying for a supplementary exam so he couldn't. I just mean that we're not at the point yet where he is initiating contact, and I feel like unless that's there, it's not worth moving forward. Especially since he's likely already home for Christmas and then gone for the summer.
DeleteIn terms of why I think getting skinny may help, I mean, ideally yes, personality is all that matters, but you can't be with someone you don't find attractive because that really is half of it. And sometimes I think, just checking someone out can make you be like, hey this girl is attractive and I could see her romantically. I know the guy likes me as a person, so honestly, I'm not doubting myself there. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea but I could easily be this guys, we get along great and have similar interests/goals/hobbies/sense of humour whatever. And regardless, it's good motivation to stick to my goals :)
As far as mental issues go, it think everyone is kind of a hypocrite when it comes to themselves. For me, it's not knowing if my issues are real or if I'm just inflating something that everyone feels into a problem, and as well not wanting to be judged by anyone I ended up talking to about it. But at the same time I believe everyone SHOULD absolutely seek help in these situations and I've had nothing but supportive feedback from friends when I told them about getting the referral. So maybe after Christmas, but honestly, things are good right now, because I'm eating healthy and it's always just a balance of not getting too obsessive or falling into bad habits and eating everything and as long as that works out, everything is A-OK
Ah, fair enough then. I thought you made a move and he made it super-clear he wasn't interested at all.
DeleteI definitely understand why losing weight could help out; physical attraction is important, no doubt about that. What I more meant was that, for me at least, personality takes precedent over looks. So while there are girls I know who look good, some of whom even have personalities I get along with, I would never even think of dating them cos our personalities wouldn't mesh in the romantic sense. Whereas if there was someone I got along really *really* well with, I feel as though that would mask physical imperfections, at least to a point. This guy could be totally different, I suppose. But if you already know you get along well, then more power to you! :)
And yeah, so long as everything's good with you, nothing to worry about. The best person to help clear up whether your issues are real or not is obviously the psychologist, and they won't judge you, so yeah, that's definitely your best bet.