Holidaying highlights

So I had a hella fun time down the coast.

It was the end of year SWORDS getaway for debating, down in Callala Bay. There were 16 of us and we had a great time, swimming at the beach and playing card games and drinking wine and eating copious amounts of bacon and chocolate.

I also made out with a girl, which is kinda cool. It was Truth or Dare, on the last night. I know we are well beyond the game, at least in the sense that you play it as a 15 year old, where Truth or Dare is 'tell me who you like or perform a weird sexual act', but we mostly just did Dare's, because no one is bothered by anything these days, and kissing is pretty chill. Ben, who is our president, made out with about four dudes, because his girlfriend finds gay chicken hilarious. It's like their way of spicing up their love life. Obviously in regular life they can only be with each other, so they get their kicks out of kissing people of their own gender that they aren't attracted to. That way, neither of them are threatened by the other kissing someone else and they get to experience kissing someone else. That's how I see it anyway, and I applaud it, purely because I like people that don't react with stupid no homo responses.

I did a body shot off another guy, but that was fine, he was relatively attractive and it was just licking the salt off him really. I really did want to kiss him though, just because he looked like someone who would be a really good kisser. Not someone I wanted to date or like or whatever, he is too wholesome for that, but some people just seem like nice kissers.

Unfortunately now you can't say to your best friend, 'hey I want to make out with so and so, make it happen',  the way you could in the early years of high school when that kind of situation manipulating was the norm, so you are at the whims of fate a bit. I came out pretty well though, when she dared me to kiss whatever girl I thought was most attractive. I don't think she was doing it to be a bro exactly but she did well regardless. It was no better or worse than anyone else I've ever kissed, but it was a girl, so that made it hella more exciting.

It's strange really, that it took this long for me to actually kiss someone of my own gender, at least since puberty. I'm so equal opportunity with attraction, like, there were two people I wanted to make out with last night, and one of each gender. And both pretty much equally. Though I do think about going further with guys, like, maybe not with much realism, but like, with guys it's more like, yeah I'd fuck you, but with girls, its like, I just want to kiss you and bask in your perfection.

I also spent a lot of time in the spa bath with all my gal pals, drinking wine. If we all absolutely squeezed, we could get all four of us into the bath at the same time and turn the bubbles on. On the first day, we got home from the beach and were like, to the bath! and then again on the last night, we stayed up to watch the sun rise but also we went to the beach at like 4am to see the bioluminescence in the water, so we just stripped down to our underwear and went in, which was very cute and rom com like.

It was so hard to stay awake though. I did make it and we went swimming again at sun rise, for a minute, but the fog was thick and we couldn't see the sun.

I got home about 1pm today and slept until 11 at night. Which sucks because my sleeping pattern is now completely fucked, but I was super sleep deprived after just going to bed late all the time and waking up relatively early. At least I'm not working tomorrow.

So I've just been having a long D&M with my mum. That isn't unusual, we're relatively close and now I'm an adult, we talk about pretty much most things.

This one was mostly about my Dad. Now my Dad is a funny guy. I don't mind that, I'm used to it I suppose, having never known any different. Like, he has some serious personality flaws that aren't readily apparent but if you stick around long enough, you really start to become aware of. Or you don't notice even then, in some cases, because of how well hidden they are. Like, I'm his daughter and there are still sides to him that I was really not that aware of, but when Mum and I talk I sometimes get a new perspective or learn something new that adds to what I know. Of everyone in the world, I'd say Mum knows Dad best.

My parents have been divorced for ten years, but they're still friends now weirdly enough. The last two years especially, my Mum got back into Bridge so now they share their main life hobby again and that means they see each other often.

Okay, so here are Dad's main flaws. Firstly, the one I really didn't suspect whatsoever, is that he's a problem gambler. Like, he always has been. before my parents were together, during their marriage, and after. Mum told me once before that after the divorce, when they sold our house (700k) back in 2003, they got half the money each obviously, but Dad gambled his half all away. Certainly by 2008 it was all gone. It's a weird thing to think, that a parent could do that.

Maybe I'll mix this up, and go flaw/attribute/flaw/attribute, so I don't feel like I'm completely hating on my father here. To be perfectly clear, I love my Dad. I accept him as he is and I would never want anyone else in that position.

My Dad is fiercely intelligent. He must have a high IQ. He's amazing at Bridge, and he's just quick. He could have been an awesome accountant or something. Both my brother and I got half our brains from him. Maybe more than half.

But he's never been able to commit to anything. Never went to Uni, even though Mum offered to support him through it completely, he dropped out of Tafe, and after he lost his long time job when his company went bankrupt in 2006/2007 ish, he's never had a job much better than minimum wage. Not that it would matter how much he made, since he spends it all. When my parents first got divorced, he did have a home for us and while it was rented, we did live with him Thursday night until Sunday morning every week, and that was fine.  A bit unorganised and whatnot, but fine. He got remarried in 2006 and that did not last at all, he had no money coming out of that, no furniture, no family pictures, all of that was gone. As well as that, when he moved in with her family, we only started seeing him every second weekend and basically, I've found out after from Mum, he basically chose her over his children.

Okay, that's getting sad. That whole thing never made sense to me because my Dad is a great father. I am confident that there is no female out there in the world he loves more than me, or that I could do anything that would make him stop loving me. He was a dedicated Dad to me as a child, playing catch with a tennis ball every night after he got home at 7pm, and reading to me every night too, though I don't remember that as much cos I was younger. Plus he was the parents that got us pizza every Friday so we could watch the football and did all the fun stuff with us. He bought me a Walkman and taught me to drive etc. He was also the one out of my two parents that wanted children. Mum was pretty against it I think, she was happy without and didn't ever want to do it without things being perfect but Dad always wanted babies. I remember Mum telling me that when she miscarried the first time, she'd been alright but he remember Dad going outside and being really upset.

He's just such a shit adult though. Like, he's really lucky and really well connected with people who will put him up, because he's super nice, even if it's so pathetic, but like, he lived a year housesitting for his step mum in one of her houses, in Canberra (so he was not around then) and another year or two in the granny flat at his sister's house, also in Canberra. He lived two years with my Mum's disabled brother, in the second bedroom there, which is weird, but alright I guess. F0r the last year ish, he's had a girlfriend locally and lived with her but that's on and off and the thing is, he is absolutely no doubt only with her because he needed someone to live with, because without that, he's homeless. And it's frustrating to me, as a woman and a feminist, to know that he's using her like that, and I know all she wants is a committed relationship, and he won't give her that, so they are off on off on and he doesn't love her. I very much doubt that he is faithful to her. Actually, I know he isn't.

So basically, my Dad gambles all his money away, I know that because he never has any and because when he can't borrow from anyone else and can't ask Mum (for more) he asks me. Sure, he pays me back but I'm his daughter, it's not appropriate. Mum is sure he has big debts, and from like, pay day loan places, all those types of places I couldn't imagine using ever. He has no stable place to live, it's just shit.

I mean, he pays when we go out for lunch and occasionally he'll give me a few fifties, like when I got home from exchange, but I know he's giving them to me instead of paying Mum back, and at this point Mum just accepts it. But the thing is, my Mum isn't at all well off, she's a single teacher and money is always a strain in our family, to an extent.

It's just sad to me that my Dad is this person who is so far from normal, that his family recognised it to the extent that they warned Mum away, that Mum had all the signs of lying, and gambling and debt and didn't let them dissuade her, like I'd hope it would any of my friends in the same situation. My Mum is smart too, and she had to act like a mother to Dad all those years, and to this day she has to help him. If Mum hadn't had Dad, she could have maybe had such a better life, a better marriage, a better house and savings, all of that. I'm not saying, she feels that regret, but if I do, and if anyone theoretically should be supporting the union of my Mum and Dad it should be me, since it resulted in my life occurring, but come on.

I suppose another thing for context is that my Mum is an alcoholic. It really makes my eating disorder make more sense, when you put all the addiction genes that have been passed on in this family. But like, it's never affected her parenting, or her finances, or her job or her anything. Like, if she can he a great, stable parents, whose biggest flaw is that she couldn't pick me up anywhere after dark because she'd be over the limit, than why the hell couldn't Dad?

Maybe that's unfair, but I'm really angry with him. he loves me, and yes, that is enough, that's the most important thing, the most integral part of being a parent, but if I was fucked up by my parents, he is taking 90% of the blame I swear to God.

Here is another fun fact, I used to think You-Know-Who was just like my Dad. All the bad things. All words, little substance. Much love, little follow through. Lies and lies and lies. That's only half the story though. I loved you-know-who for all the same reasons I loved my Dad too. It wasn't just the flaws, that I suppose I am conditioned to be more accepting of. All the positive things too, I saw them in you-know-who. I liked the way he talked to me, I liked his intelligence, his sense of humour. His sweetness.

Is that weird? Did I just admit to massive Daddy issues?

I don't think so. I think it's natural to search for the familiar, for things that remind us of our parents. Or alternatively, search out the complete opposite. Sometimes people go too far in reaction to their parents and overcorrect, or they end up much more like their parents than they like to admit. I don't think I'm any of those things.

I think I'm well adjusted. I'm like my Dad in a lot of ways, but not all. I'd never be loose with money and I'd never be able to be the kind of float-through-life type that my Dad is. I'm never going to be as neat freak as my Mum and my organisation skills might never be as good, but I hope very much that I continue to pick up those traits from her as I keep growing up, as much as I deny that to her when she nags me.

I don't know, I just wanted to get all this out. What is my blog for if not to talk honestly about things? It always sucks when parents are pulled from their pedestals but it has to happen. The trick is working out if you can still love and respect them afterwards, knowing who they are as people, not just as your parents.

Urgh, family.

Update because i have about 10 draft posts right now and i wanted to publish SOMETHING

So!

I have my stats exam I have barely started to study for worth 70% on Monday, and I have been entertaining myself during this time primarily through binge watching Scandal (which was amazing, holy shit, I'm really sad that I'm up to date now) and just watched Carmilla, which is a web show about vampires and gay girls on youtube that is mildly amusing. I got into the plot, even if the characters are are little 2D. I'm thinking I might start House of Cards, really get my fill of political dramas. I've also been successfully procrastinating reading Julia Gillard's new book, which I got signed when I met her earlier this week. That pretty much was amazing/inspiring/all those good things. I've known for a long time that I don't have the personality to be a politician, but sometimes I want to so very, very badly.

I feel like I have the passion for it. Actually, I want to be Mellie from Scandal, she's the First Lady but I'm hoping she's going to end up running for President herself eventually. So I suppose I want to be Hilary Clinton, but without the cheating husband drama to get through first. But no, I'm not career driven enough to be a politician, unfortunately. I couldn't be dedicated for a million years to maybe get a shot at the big time. And all the schmoozing and having to be friends with people, no that's not me. If only. I'm watching Obama's G20 speech right now and may cry. I could listen to that man speak all day long.

What else is happening for me? My bday is coming up, and that's getting organised which is exciting. Definitely the biggest event I've ever organised, though Mum did most of it, let's be real. I invited to person I like, which is the most exciting thing, and they're coming, which already puts them miles ahead of you-know-who, who cancelled on the last three of my birthdays, despite knowing how desperately I wanted him to come and that if he missed last year, it would be definitively three strikes and he's out. So if this new person shows up, they'll have already done more to show I matter to them than that person did in three years. The bar is very low, obviously.

I just feel really positive about things. Not that we'll get together-- I wouldn't even think to bet on that, the odds are terrible, but there's something there. I like having a new friend and while it's still very new, I definitely don't think it's completely one sided friendship. I'd say more but they know how to find my blog and I'm not interested in making things super weird.

It's not even at the stage of thinking about them much or changing any behaviours because I think it'll impress them or attract them, it's more like... it's a small slice of my life that when I think about it, it makes me feel very happy and content, like things aren't static and the possibility for change is there, but even as things are now, they're good.

Okay bed time. Let's not be the worst student and self sabotageur in the world.

NaNoWriMo.... I feel like I've used this as a blog title before, probably 2 years ago

So I decided to do NaNoWriMo this year.

I always mean to, but I never have any good ideas swirling at the end of October to throw myself into. This year, thankfully I do. The story I wrote while I was backpacking is still inspiring me, and while it is already 50 000, I wrote it using the writing advice I picked up somewhere along the way, of first writing for yourself as the author, to tell yourself the story. Only once that's done do you go back and actually write the story in a way that is coherent for another audience.

My best friend Megan has been asking to read it for months, which I was okay with. I mean, it's intensely personal but she's my best friend and I pretty much tell her everything I think regardless so I didn't think it'd be a problem. Only I did reread it and realise there were a few embarrassing things in there. Since it uses real people, and is based off real life, there is some embarrassing romantic content. Like, in it, Megan and I totally make out in Paris. I don't know how weird it is to write stories where you kiss your platonic best friends? I feel like it's weird. Like, I'd totally forgotten about it until I reread it, and I'm not harbouring a secret crush, I just feel like in this story, I would totally go there because we are much closer and I'm much more isolated and we've been soul mate-type best friends for 15 years prior and in-story it makes sense and totally plays out realistically (I get turned down because she has a boyf, it's a familiar storyline haha). Either way, I may need to cut it if I'm going to show it to her.

But also there is some weird sexual content. Again, completely valid for the story, it's exploring how an adult in a childs body would express sexual desire when everyone her mental age is off limits due to her child like body, and everyone her physical age is actually a child and is unable to consent and also not appealing, so there is a level of mental sexuality that has to be addressed. It's funny, I have no problem writing the sexual content but it's super embarrassing to let anyone else read it. Like, even though it's just a few lines here and there, stuff like 'I look at him and imagine him doing this with his that to my this', it's like, no thanks, I'll keep it to myself. I've only got like 2 friends that I'm straight up like 'yeah so I'm writing a hardcore gay threesome under the effects of a fuck-or-die sex pollen for a Wincestiel kink meme prompt' and even then, I probably wouldn't show them the final result. The only sex scene I've ever published was years ago, and it was a with-plot sex scene, even if it was a one shot. My cousin reviewed it and said it was very much 'making love' which was nice, if only to show how my taste has changed since 2010 haha.

Anyway, since obviously the story will be written over November, it's not much yet, but this is the link to my story, if you want to check it out, see how I'm going. Give me a kick up the bum if I stop updating the word count. I want to really give this a good go.

Most people would be like 'writing a novel during exam time? that seems like bad timing' but I'd disagree, I'm more productive during exam time than any other time of year. I always find a million other interests and hobbies during STUVAC than I have during the leisurely hours of Summer. Because I suck.