1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

My favourite movie is Titanic. I watched it for the first time when I was about twelve, it was on TV. I was at my Dad's and it must have been a Saturday night, because Friday nights were strictly Friday Night Football. I didn't watch it right from the beginning, so I didn't know about any of the modern day story line, with old Rose and the diamond, but I really did love the movie. I was young however, and it's a long movie so when she was in the water, but before she'd got the whistle, I went to bed and just got Dad to tell me how it ended. Don't judge me, the ads went for ages. It was Winter I think, because we were both super cold after watching but Dad got me my super thick Harry Potter blanket and tucked me in super tight :)

2: Talk about your first kiss.

Well, I was nine, it was with my best friend. We were at my house after school, in my room. I don't know how I got talked into it but we got in my bed and shucked our clothes, and practiced kissing. I just remember the feel of her tongue running along my teeth. Not sexy haha. Neither was her sister (also in the room, also naked I think) yelling down the stairs to my Mum what we were doing.

3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.

Well, he's an occasional asshole, occasional friend. He's a law student, he has a little brother, his parents are divorced. Talking to him makes me tongue tied lately. He has a nice smile. He's so fucking funny. He has this innate confidence and he just doesn't care about popularity or being anyone except who he is. He likes pancakes and the military. He has a thing for blonde girls and our friends always mix up the name of his girlfriend with his previous girlfriend, much to his dismay.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

Giving up every time I start getting healthy.

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.
My 16th was pretty rad. I had my first proper relationship kiss, I got to sleep next to both my boyfriend and (this is bad, but I was more excited by it) you-know-who. It was just a fun night with my friends.

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.

I don't know if I've had a bad birthday, and I don't actually remember this myself, but it probably did happen. Apparently at my sleepover in year 7, one of my best friends made me cry by telling me off for how shitty I was treating my boyfriend. I have a habit of treating my boyfs badly clearly, but I was 12, I get a free pass that time.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.
My body obviously. I know it wouldn't make me a better person if I was skinny, but I'd be happier, I know I would.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.
Just generally, I'm proud that I'm balancing everything I'm doing right now, I have sport and work and uni and social life and rest and it's all happening but I'm happy with it and what I'm doing. I shouldn't be looking to add more but I am.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.
I don't really have things like that I like.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.
I can't remember any real big major fights. One of my friends and I didn't speak for 6 months in year 8 or 9 though, and I cried bitter tears when she invited everyone but me to her birthday. 4 months later when we'd made up, I nearly didn't invite her back, but on the day of, I called her up and asked her to come to my party.

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.
Well, last night I dreamed I was running my hands all over Jarad Padalecki's bare chest and abs, though oddly enough, below the waist he wasn't exactly male and I was actually happy about it. It was confusing.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.

I'm almost certain I wrote about it at the time, but I was on a train, and you-know-who was there. He sat across for me and listed every single insecurity of mine, perfectly in character, how much better his girlfriend was than me, how much he enjoys fucking her, it was just everything. Even things that didn't bother me in real life, in this dream, everything cut. I hate feeling pathetic.

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.
Well, I imagine it happening on holidays somewhere, in a bed too small and clothes coming off too fast. I imagine lots of kissing and lots of awkward conversation like 'does that feel alright?' 'that hurts, ow' and 'am I in?' But I also imagine feeling quite overwhelmed and pleased.

14: Talk about a vacation.

Well, every year I go to Mollymook for a week. It's one of my favourite weeks of the year, with all my family. It involves lots of swimming, beaching it, hot milo and DVD's and DnM's with my cuz.

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

Year 12 was my favourite time, when I was 17 everything was pretty great and I was just happy with myself, with my friends, with school etc. I thought I was pretty, my self esteem was moderately high, I was keeping on top of all my work, I had a lot of friends and social life was positive. I had a boyfriend for awhile and then I had you-know-who, so I was excited and up, up, up most of the time. Every day was anticipated, and I looked forward to going to school and seeing everyone.

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to.

I can't think of one that stands out. I'm awkward at parties, I like hanging out with my friends at parties where we get to dress up but don't have to stress about judgement or sitting around being bored.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

There's a girl I work with I'd like to be closer to. I'm seeing her on Sunday for the first time out of work, I don't know how it will go, I'm nervous about making conversation for at least 4 hours but she's quite popular and confident so hopefully she can take up some of the slack!

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

In Year 6, me and my best friend Lily and I worked together to make a news program, I was the presenter, and basically we did about 3 segments, a mix of us interviewing each other as different characters. Then we did ads as well, I remember wearing a flower thing on my face and singing 'You are my sunshine' as an ad for a gardening store.

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

In Year 8 my best friend Jess and I used to scheme to go to each others house's after school. We'd walk very sloooowly on a Monday, because my bus was always late on Monday's so we'd tell our parents Jess missed her bus and had to come to mine. I get the feeling no parent was fooled.

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

As an accelerant, I had free periods in year 10 that no one else had, only other maths accelerants. We'd play chess and mahjong and just hang out chatting (when we weren't doing maths). Some of the best times were had in D13, our maths room.
 
21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

Well, one of my best bros (totally capital G Gay) liked me in Year 10. We talked a lot at the time, but I wasn't interesed in him, I just have a weakness for guys that talk to me a lot. He left a love letter in my bag, asked me to Formal etc, I didn't really addressed it which was mean of me. I avoided it for as long as I could, with all my friends inventing excuses to leave the conversation so we'd be alone so I could give him them 'look, I'm just not into you' speech. He  he got over it, I never stopped being his friend, and we are still bros now.

22: Talk about your worst fear.

I suppose I don't ever want to not be good enough. I don't need to be good enough for everyone but I want to be good enough at my job, for a guy I like, for my friends, I want to be in the top 20%. That's my goal, to make my life better than average (by my standards) and my fear is that it won't be.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

Apart from you know who, I don't think I ever really have been? And you know who, to be honest, he didn't really turn me down. When I told him I liked him, he told me he liked me back. When I kissed him, he kissed me back. I never asked for a relationship, apart from implied, and he never had to say no.

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

"I don't want to be loved, it is to be preferred that I desire." Whenever I get told I'm someone's best friend, that I'm high on the list, that always means a lot to me.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

I have a lot of best friends. I gain them easily for some reason, and I almost never lose them. But this is the story of the one that got away :) In Year 7, my first high school best friend, she was pretty out there, swearing, older boyfriend etc. We got along well for some reason. We drifted by Year 9 I suppose, as our friends changed a bit. Now, she's into drugs, pretty hardcore from what I've heard, and sleeps with people in exchange for drugs. She works at Maccas and doesn't go to Uni. It was one of those inevitable things really. I tried to help her when I was younger but eventually, people just take their own path.

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.

Shower a lot, leave tissues everywhere, eat a lot of 2 minute noodles and  junk food. Be pathetically grumpy and useless.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.

Maybe torsos? Like, waists and hips and backs and stomachs, I just love all that, it' where I look when I think of beautiful bodies.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

Rape fantasy. But not the pain kind.

29: Talk about what turns you on.

Confidence without being aloof. It grinds my gears (not in the good way) when I think (real or imagined) that someone thinks they're better than me.

30: Talk about what turns you off.

Ignorance, intolerance, lack of respect for academics. Unconfidence, lack of drive, lack of initative.

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

Just nothing, there is no afterlife, or soul or whatnot. Just, unawareness. Life is being aware, death is not.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

After my parents divorced, the first place we moved (with Mum) was a townhouse. We were number 5, of 10, and the layout meant that we were the farthest back, down a long driveway since it was two rows. We had a courtyard, and beyond that we had a creek. When we moved in, it was brand new so the creak was just little, and the slopes down so it was just black tarp with holes cut for little plants to grow. Over the 3 or so years we lived there, the plants grew to totally cover the tarp until it wasn't hardly possible to climb down to the creek in case of spiders etc. It was a pretty cool thing though, how much it grew. We also used to sneak next door through a hole in the fence into next doors massive backyard. The creek was the epitome of 'down the bottom of the garden' and they had an old wooden bridge which was very fairy tale. The other side had a blackberry bush that we used to pick. Not that I ate blackberries but that's not the point, is it?

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

Eat, blog, read fanfic, tumblr etc.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.

I am such a wimp, but I'm cautious (and lucky) so I don't have any real stories to tell here. When I jumped off a concrete ledge over plants and my knee drove into my mouth on the landing, that was probably the worst.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

Being a wimp about talking to people, eating so much junk.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

Reality TV like Biggest Loser or 16 and Pregnant.
 
37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

One of my best friends (not one I've mentioned thus far). She was special. And still is, but she got a boyfriend soon after I started liking her and they've been going out 4 years now :)

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

You know who: Too many to count but Story of Us, by Taylor Swift, What if, by Safety Suit, or Over my Head by The Fray.

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.

School work, I always find 6 months after I finish a course I know the material so much better than I did at the time I did the exam.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

The end of high school. I didn't really care at the time, I was in a very strong place with the people I cared about (that didn't last) and everyone else I didn't care about really. I think if I could do it again, i would have been sadder and tried to make the end of it more memorable.

Is it ever okay to share someones secrets that they tell you in confidence? Like, if someone trusts you to keep something big, and give you all the threats 'I'll never speak to you again" etc.

What if you don't speak to them anymore anyway? Or if you might, but they'll never know you told. Or if you just don't care what they think anymore and your best friend is begging and you know it'll make for an interesting conversation?

There is a secret like that that I've been holding onto for a long time now. I'm a bad secret holder because I like to puzzle things out and discuss them and this is one of those things I couldn't discuss, even with the secret sharer. So I told my Mum pretty quickly, and not everything, but enough. That helped. But then I had all these worries and I needed affirmation of some things, so I told someone about the secret. Not what it was, but just enough about how I felt about it to get her to shrink me and sort it out.

And I'm pleased to have kept this secret, I promised I would and having this person's regard has always mattered to me. So I suppose I'll keep it a bit longer, until I no longer ever see them ever and it won't matter if I spill.

In other gossip today, as my bffl and I spent the day doing assignments together, I told her I used to cut and we talked about each of the members of our group and how pretty much all of them are fucked up (which is true, what is wrong with people?). Then we had a long conversation about incest, after she decided to start shipping me with my brother because he thinks my music sucks and is gonna make me a playlist. And like, no, I don't think sibling incest should be illegal theoretically, I don't think adding 2% extra risk onto an already 4-6 percent chance of genetic mutation in offspring is enough to make something illegal. People with Downs are allowed to procreate, so are people with Huntingtons, and all manner of other genetic conditions after all. I oppose other types of incest on reasoning of power differential and consent issues, and I certainly wouldn't be into it myself but sibling/cousin incest, it's rationale for squick isn't well grounded.

Then we talked about gay marriage (I'm for it, she's for civil union with the exact same rights, just a different name). I think that's stupid though, because 'marriage' doesn't have to be just for a man and a woman, the Bible didn't create marriage so they don't get rights to the word and words change definition easier than creating a new word that just makes gays look even more separate and on the fringes. People want marriage, and they deserve it.

Anyways, I'll stop bludging and back to work. 35% lab report due tomorrow.... fuckkkkk.

I may have a touch of social anxiety and crippling shyness but at least when it comes to social issues, I am very very sure of myself. I just spent an hour or more on a MRA's page trying to convince them that lack of respect for feminine men stems from a lack of respect for females. Which lead into some name calling and eventually me telling them they're all wrong and leaving, which ok, wasn't my best ever move, I wanted to just be above it but I ended up looking immature. The fact was though, I know I'm right, I knew I could have found proof for all my examples, I could have found references and spent all night building a full proof case, but it wouldn't have mattered and honestly by the time it regressed to 'women didn't even want to have the vote when the evil feminists were fighting for it-- and actually, it was the men who wanted to give it to them but the women opposed it'-- when I just facepalm. So I told them they were so wrong they didn't know how wrong they were. After some comments about how if feminists were like the KKK, MRA's were Nazi's (to which I was called a cheeky twat), accusing people of hypocrisy and calling them a hate group, I just gave up.

It was immature of me but I don't care.

Oh another note, I was planning to write a letter to my best friend for her birthday, I've been drafting it in my head all week, may as well take a crack now  eh.

Dear Mia (or more affectionately, Marij-ja)

You are the best best friend I could have ever asked for and I think you're brilliant. You're a total psycho but you've always been there for me when it counts and every other time as well, whether I wanted you there or not. You're one of the biggest influences in my life and I know without you, I'd be a totally different (read: sadder and even more introverted) person. You make my life a more brighter, exciting and less threatening place to be and have been a better friend over the years than I deserve. You put up with me warts and all, give me tough love when I need it but never make me feel like I'm being judged (too much)[at the time].

I remember you when you were that weird looking year 7 kid and the first time I was like 'hey, when did Marija get pretty?' and while I find it odd in some ways that out of everyone we've been bros with, we're the ones that got stuck together as bffls, I also think it's awesome, and super lucky and I want to have to do the front porch test with you  because I want to be bffls 5eva.
Love Lucy


Idk it's alright for a first draft, I have 3 months to work on it.

Night xx

So I thought I'd have some fun and make a post about what I find attractive in people. I'll disclaimer it by saying that  none of the things I think I like are necessary for me to like someone, I am very aware that the second someone becomes interested in me/ I become interested in them, their stock goes through the roof. When I'm attracted to personality, attraction to body comes with generally. They bounce off and enable each other. And it's not like an overall 'he's a 10, I'd bang him' thought when I like someone, that's not the same. When I like someone, it's an obsession with their fingers, their stubble, their shoulders. There was one boy who I started to sort of like, who just had the most beautiful hands. I think he was pissed at me actually, for calling them girly, but they were beautiful. Long and thin and square,  like they were made out of clay. A piano players hands. I was very attracted to that.

With you know who, it was his smile, his wide shoulders, his hips. If I didn't know him and just saw him in the street, I wouldn't find him attractive but all attraction is subjective if you know someone. It's what you associate with it.

But now, speaking from a purely objective point of view, I like (very stereotypically) tanned, beach-y guys, preferably with sun kissed blonde hair and blue eyes but brown can be nice too. Tall is a plus but I prefer wide shoulders. There is almost nothing I am more attracted to than someone who can just encompass you when you hug. I like someone with hips and shoulders at least as wide as mine.

I also love hip bones. Like a lot. One of those fundamental differences between girls and guys is how on guys, hip bones jut right in and it's super hot ok. When it comes to purely sexual thoughts, it's all about the hips. Actually, on anyone it's all about the hips. But mostly everybody has hips good enough to get an A-OK from me.

What else is there to talk about with guys? I like long-ish hair? I'm not into buzz cuts or what not, but again, when it's someone I love, I certainly don't mind. And the long hared look just doesn't work on some people in which case, I am very grateful when they get hair cuts.

As far as like, style goes, I just like guys that look nice in jeans and a T-shirt. Leather jackets turn me on as a general rule and track pants turn me off. So do cardigans and wide ties. Cardigians because of fucking hipsters and idk, I just think skinny ties are more flattering ok?

Girls I have both more and less opinions. Girls faces matter more to me, because as a general rule, I don't really remember guys faces. Guys tend to all look the same to me, I'm not good with faces.  Pretty faces are nice. Body is murky. I don't care about boobs much, they're awesome and sexual and all that, but I have my own. I like hour glass figures so it's the waist that really makes me be like 'she's hot'. Girls with nice legs are nice, but idk, it's always subjective! What looks great on one person looks bad on another, I can't pull girls apart into pieces the way I can with guys. I mean, I can tell you just as quickly 'that girl's pretty' as 'that guy's hot' but girls are overall picture.

Idk, it's hard to describe what attracts me to people, I just know. It takes like .787055424 of a second to decide.

But this was fun, so I will upload this post, as objectifying to pretty much everybody as it is.

Edit: I think the main thing with physical attraction is that it really doesn't matter what turns you on or what you like. Especially in your head which is where most of it happens. Like, out of the guys I'd dated or kissed or whatever, most are totally wrong if you think about what I described. Though I will admit i have made a few mistakes in choosing people I wasn't attracted to because I tend not to like feeling emotions due to ending up feeling like an idiot, so I chose to be worshipped and just recieve attention but close to zero return enthusiasm for them but that's a whole different story.


But I am pretty blase still about what I know I like in my head. Like, everyone gets those disturbing dreams that make them take a step back and be like 'yeah, that's messed up' or read a fic with a weird kink that you realise was totally hot, or you start thinking about someone you know, and like, it's okay.

Sexuality is weird and fantasy isn't real, so go crazy I say. It's why I'm cool with being bisexual, guys are awesome,  girls are awesome, who even cares?

Though weirdly, I fantasize like never, it's just not my thing. I like words.

So I've been dreaming a lot. Again.

It comes in fits and bursts, I don't dream for a week or two and then every night, it's like a new feature film doctor who. Totally technicolour, complete plot line, the works. And they are all creepy as fuck.

This weeks fun topics included cannibalism, and not just like a reference to, I ate somebody. I snapped off someones toe, ate it, and thought it tasted like potato. Why did I do this? BECAUSE I MURDERED THEM AND THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD WAY TO GET RID OF EVIDENCE. The fuck.

Then there was the fun night that was more James Bond crossed with being dropped into a video game level. For context, my dreams have a lot of common tropes- things I'm 'dream scared of', as in, they don't freak me out in real life but pop up consistently in my nightmares such as empty hotels, malls, shopping centres, elevators. This location was like an airport hotel. It was a public place but it was many stories and very self contained. Anyway, I had to get up to the top and my friend/s was aaround as well, but I hadn't found them yet. I wanted to meet up and do it together but as I spotted her, I was distracted by a guy talking to me about maths or engineering or something, when he saw the plans I had laying out on the table in the food court area. I got distracted (dream distracted, which is impossible to avoid) and when I looked up, the elevator had arrived and they had got in.

Then I remembered the scary part. The villian, the person I needed to stop-- was a shapeshifter, a murderer who chose their victims in the elevator, than got them alone and killed them. Always chose girls and always chose virgins. She disguised herself as an old woman. A sixth sense told me that the woman entering that elevator with my friend was her. I flipped out, ran over but the elevator was closed, I was helpless. It was a double elevator deal, so although I couldn't get in there and help my friend, I thought at least I could get to the top and stop what I could, so without thinking, I dashed into the other elevator with a bunch of people, desperate to get to the top. The door closes and that's when it dawned on me. I was wrong, that old lady was not the shape shifter after all, the shape shifter... she was in that elevator and she was focusing on me. I started blabbing on about how my boyfriend and I loved to bang, how just that morning we'd been banging, but she just smiled and gave me the bull-fucking-shit look, and I was freaking the fuck out and I started screaming and flipping out and she tried to grab me and I fought her and the elevator opened and security got her and took her away.

I was relieved for about 5 minutes before I realised she was a shape shifter and nobody knew that but me and she was evil and trying to kill me. So I found the closest guard and demanded they tell me how she was being held. The young woman tried to reassure me, that she was in a locked room but when I asked if there as a guard with her, someone watching-- she said no, that wasn't necessary, they'd see her if she tried to walk out and then I panicked and then the guard grabbed to to 'reassure me' and then I realised holy fuck, the guard is the old woman, she's the shape shifter, and then she gets wolverine claws and she's about to thrust them up in a way that I think would have murdered my vagina, but I manage to grab a pencil or screw driver or something and stab it into her skull. Multiple times. Literally over and over, from all angles, I didn't stop until I woke up, 30 or so stabs later. Her head had the consistency of an orange, so my imagination didn't really factor in the existence of the skull bone but it was still disturbing. I dream this why? Am I really that concerned about my virginity that I think people are going to murder me over it?

Then there was the dream that ended with you know who trying to throw me off the edge of the rooftop of a tall building before he turned into my evil best friend whose life I saved as the storm that was brewing turned into a hurricane? That was a weird one. I was trying to join this new rock climbing club that my best friend and her boyfriend were already a part of, and I really wanted to be a part of it, because I felt belonging and such, but I had to be hazed and I had to eat all these things and I didn't want to because one of them was raw fish that meowed and looked like a cat and it was still alive and I just couldnt kill it, and in the end I refused to kill it, even though I knew it'd be bad for my chances of getting in the club, but they killed it for me and then I all had to do was eat it. And I was trying to force all this food down and it was super hard and my bffl was there and then we got distracted and the next thing I know, we're driving somewhere and I say 'hang on a minute, I need to go back, I wasn't done yet. So she goes to pull a U turn and I see we're in this old western town with a centrelink and Amanda Bynes is there with two kids and some older holier than thou woman is there and starts tsking and lecturing and insulting and then it turns to gay rights and I give this rousing speech. it's fucking brilliant, people clapped. Then everyone starts leaving, and running up the stairs (like the concrete stairs at a small train station, to get to the other side of the platform), except it leads up to the building. You know who and I are the only ones left standing outside the Centrelink so we race (or he just runs, but I race him) up to the top where he turns evil and tries to kill me.

This really isn't even starting to tap into the list of fucking weird things I've dreamed this week but I can't remember more right now.