My mood swings have calmed down thankfully, and that makes me a more pleasant person to be around I think!
Work is going well, I'm getting bits and pieces of study done for uni (excited!!), I'm doing all my miscellaneous chores and time is racing past rapidly but positively. My social calendar is on an up, after partying all weekend, I'm enjoying meeting people more casually this week. I met two of my cousins friends tonight when we went out for coffee and they were lovely, who knows, maybe I'll see them again and make friends. I see Jess heaps at boxing and zumba etc which is good. I've been making a bit of effort with Austin, hopefully we'll find a time in our uni schedules for meeting up, otherwise I might have to take more drastic measures and actually invite him out for coffee. I'm concerned about Megan, that with her working full time and us not sharing lectures we may grow distant but I know with some effort I can find ways to fit her into my life in some capacity, though I may have to get creative. Same with Garvinh, rather than through classes, we'll have to make plans separately to that which may be challenging but I look forward to seeing how we go.
I haven't seen my dad for weeks but hopefully will this weekend. It's just a matter of schedules matching up and communication, which I will admit is mostly my fault. Now I'm grown up, I need to remember that just because he's my parent doesn't mean it's his responsibility to always call me and to always make the plan. My Mum and I get on well pretty much always, I mean, I'm a spoiled, ungrateful brat but she is remarkably tolerant. I respect my mother quite a lot and I know I get a lot of my views from her (though not all). She doesn't always understand me perfectly but who does? She is very good for me and to me.
My netball girls are hopefully going to get closer this season, which is just beginning (excitement!). I met my team (that I coach) and that went well. Three new girls, one the little sister of a girl that was in my team last year, one St Mary's girl and one Holy Spirit girl. Most of my team are St Mary's girls, though they aren't at all close to this one (hopefully that will change) and the Holy Spirit girl is new to the area so will hopefully make friends, though she's the only one from that school so it may not come as easily. My Smith' Hill girl is also the only Smith's Hill girl, but she's best friends with a St Mary's girl and does dancing with another. My three Keira girls all get along well with each other and the rest of the team. And my little sister of previous team member gets along with the rest well too, I don't think the age difference will stop them being friends as she has the family-friends relationship working for her with a few of them already ie mothers are friends and so are all the kids.
My own netball team I get on reasonably well with, as the only Smith's Hill girl I kind of am a loner, but going to the party on Saturday was absolutely the right decision. I really made progress by seeing them outside of anything netball related. When I first joined their team last year, I was vaguely wary, because of them being St Mary's girls, in the same year as Austin's girlfriend, but thankfully, most of them don't like her and run in different circles.
Hopefully they chose to train on a day that I can do, because if I can't go to training, that will be super annoying and means I'll miss out on heaps. Plus I like netball training.
I'm sort of turned off boxing right now. I don't know why, it just happens to me, I build something up in my head to something intimidating and bad even when it isn't. Sometimes exposure to it is the only solution. When work started to make me feel anxious and bad, it was because I was only there once a week and I started building it up during time off. When I work 4 or 5 days a week though, I'm totally relaxed. Same thing. Only difference is I can't bludge off work but boxing I can.
I was considering dropping basketball but for now I have decided against that. I'll keep it up, even if I suck. Why not, right?
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Saturday, 23 February 2013
I'm being a moody bitch, here are my thoughts because this is my blog where I can blog whatever I want
I am in the worst worst worst mood.
Today has just been so shitty but for no reason at all, and that's the worst thing about it. When I just get in a snit and I just want to stay home and grouch around and watch Dexter and read my textbooks and that's it.
But I had to go to a party/gathering at my friends today and I did, even though I didn't really want to. Spending hours playing boring games isn't my idea of a good time. But honestly, sometimes it is, it just depends on who is there and what we're playing and my mood I suppose and the group I was playing with wasn't that.
Not only was it games I'm not comfortable with, either because I don't think I'll be good at them and I suppose I have some kind of anxiety over that- who knew- but it was just games that set my teeth on edge just because they're so pointless.
In a good mood, I'm sure I think differently but feeling as dark and cynical as I did today, I was just not amused.
I don't know what has got me down. I enjoy working a lot, even if it cuts into my alone, vegging out time, but I am constantly lying to getting out of social engagements. My best friend and I are barely seeing each other because I just can't be fucked (and I'm busy), I cancelled on my cousin when I didn't really have to, I have an 18th tonight that I'm anxious about going/not going to. I feel like I'll regret my decision either way so it's a lose-lose.
I'm not totally hopeless, I am out and about all the time. In a way, I think that's my problem. I'm seeing lots of the same people, to the point that they're annoying the crap out of me, and not seeing the people I like the most, like my best friend and my friend who lives in Sydney.
For some reason, the host of the gathering today didn't invite him which made me feel bad, because I should have been hanging out with him instead and I know I'd have preferred to do that but I had to lie to him that the host was just keeping it a small gathering when really, she just didn't want him there. He's back to Sydney tomorrow so I haven't seen him since the end of December and that makes me sad. She also didn't invite you-know-who and while I doubt he'd of showed, the fact that she didn't ask them means that she's cutting down her friend group and leaving out the people that I like the most which is frustrating. It's true that they don't often show up but it doesn't mean that things aren't so much better when they do.
I need some more friends, before I strangle the ones I do have.
Seriously, one friend today suggested getting together to play games like that every weekend and my only thought was 'that sounds hell-ish.' Maybe to her it doesn't. My other friend, who isn't annoying me right now, I have games days with her quite often, but board games rather than PS3. It's more my style, though it's cards that I like the most.
I learnt a new games 'Take Two' using scrabble pieces that I really enjoyed though last weekend with her though, so that was good.
I have been thinking about people and friends and how annoying people have to be before it's okay to not be friends with them.
Like, old friends are priceless, or so mum said to me last night when we discussed this. And everyone has flaws, including me so we have to put up with other peoples issues because they put up with ours. But there is so many frigging people in the world, is there seriously none that don't have any issues that annoy me? Surely I should be able to find people that don't bug me so much?
Like, is it okay to be annoyed by someone once a day and still be good friends? What about if every 5th thing they say annoys the bejeebus out of you? Because I absolutely have best mates who annoy me with that level of frequency.
And it's not always just annoying, sometimes I just think what the fuck are you doing, or saying, or thinking, and I feel these levels of condescension way too high. I feel like at those times, I'm not being a real friend to them.
I don't like it when I feel like I have to start acting and pretending around my friends. It's supposed to be easy to be yourself around your mates but right now my mates are just... eh.
Anyway, I just got out of the shower, it's almost 7, I'm supposed to be at a party at 7, it'll take me ages to find something to wear-- what do you wear to an 18th of a girl you like, but haven't seen in months, when it's a big party that will migrate to the pub later in the evening? It's BYO but I want to drive because how else would I get home? I don't know what I'm doing, this is so out of my league.
Maybe this is what has been stressing me out all day.
----
Alright, I am in a better frame of mind now. It's about 2am, I just got home. After I finished this entry before, I was in a fragile state, I told Mum that I didn't want to go to the party in near tears, but she just told me that I should go, she got me a pair of shoes that's easier to move in, put some hairspray in, got me to contact my cousin Jack who was at the party and confirm everyone was there and it was a go, and then I left.
And sure, I had awkward moments and didn't properly mingle with everyone that I didn't know but I was there, I chatted, I had a laugh with mates, I saw people play beer pong for the first time and skulled some beer. I had a few vodkas and lemonade, and when that ran out, I got some vodka and coke, though everyone says not to mix those.
I got a lift with a girl I'm friends with to the club, we paid, went in, got a drink, danced for two hours, then because it's raining, I got a taxi home. Free, because another guy asked if he could jump in as well, because we were going close to the same place. He gave me a 10 dollar note when he got out and the cab fare was 10 so all was well.
I'm not drunk, but I'll drink a whole bottle of water to absorb all that vodka before I sleep. Just because I'm not a light weight doesn't mean that the vodka isn't still in my system. My ears are ringing like crazy of course, they always do when I go out clubbing.
But overall, of course I don't regret going. For the price of entry to the club and one drink, I got my whole night out. And sure, my car is still at the party, but Mum and I can go get it tomorrow once I'm okay to drive. I forged some closer bonds with girls I'm friendly with, but not friends per se. These girls are all a year younger than me but who cares really? As far as social development goes, I'm not exactly head of the pack. Drinking and dancing with my younger cousin was fun, though slightly weird, because I still feel like he is way too young to be doing that kind of thing.
Anyway, in a better mood now. If I don't feel headache-y tomorrow, I will rate tonight a success.
Today has just been so shitty but for no reason at all, and that's the worst thing about it. When I just get in a snit and I just want to stay home and grouch around and watch Dexter and read my textbooks and that's it.
But I had to go to a party/gathering at my friends today and I did, even though I didn't really want to. Spending hours playing boring games isn't my idea of a good time. But honestly, sometimes it is, it just depends on who is there and what we're playing and my mood I suppose and the group I was playing with wasn't that.
Not only was it games I'm not comfortable with, either because I don't think I'll be good at them and I suppose I have some kind of anxiety over that- who knew- but it was just games that set my teeth on edge just because they're so pointless.
In a good mood, I'm sure I think differently but feeling as dark and cynical as I did today, I was just not amused.
I don't know what has got me down. I enjoy working a lot, even if it cuts into my alone, vegging out time, but I am constantly lying to getting out of social engagements. My best friend and I are barely seeing each other because I just can't be fucked (and I'm busy), I cancelled on my cousin when I didn't really have to, I have an 18th tonight that I'm anxious about going/not going to. I feel like I'll regret my decision either way so it's a lose-lose.
I'm not totally hopeless, I am out and about all the time. In a way, I think that's my problem. I'm seeing lots of the same people, to the point that they're annoying the crap out of me, and not seeing the people I like the most, like my best friend and my friend who lives in Sydney.
For some reason, the host of the gathering today didn't invite him which made me feel bad, because I should have been hanging out with him instead and I know I'd have preferred to do that but I had to lie to him that the host was just keeping it a small gathering when really, she just didn't want him there. He's back to Sydney tomorrow so I haven't seen him since the end of December and that makes me sad. She also didn't invite you-know-who and while I doubt he'd of showed, the fact that she didn't ask them means that she's cutting down her friend group and leaving out the people that I like the most which is frustrating. It's true that they don't often show up but it doesn't mean that things aren't so much better when they do.
I need some more friends, before I strangle the ones I do have.
Seriously, one friend today suggested getting together to play games like that every weekend and my only thought was 'that sounds hell-ish.' Maybe to her it doesn't. My other friend, who isn't annoying me right now, I have games days with her quite often, but board games rather than PS3. It's more my style, though it's cards that I like the most.
I learnt a new games 'Take Two' using scrabble pieces that I really enjoyed though last weekend with her though, so that was good.
I have been thinking about people and friends and how annoying people have to be before it's okay to not be friends with them.
Like, old friends are priceless, or so mum said to me last night when we discussed this. And everyone has flaws, including me so we have to put up with other peoples issues because they put up with ours. But there is so many frigging people in the world, is there seriously none that don't have any issues that annoy me? Surely I should be able to find people that don't bug me so much?
Like, is it okay to be annoyed by someone once a day and still be good friends? What about if every 5th thing they say annoys the bejeebus out of you? Because I absolutely have best mates who annoy me with that level of frequency.
And it's not always just annoying, sometimes I just think what the fuck are you doing, or saying, or thinking, and I feel these levels of condescension way too high. I feel like at those times, I'm not being a real friend to them.
I don't like it when I feel like I have to start acting and pretending around my friends. It's supposed to be easy to be yourself around your mates but right now my mates are just... eh.
Anyway, I just got out of the shower, it's almost 7, I'm supposed to be at a party at 7, it'll take me ages to find something to wear-- what do you wear to an 18th of a girl you like, but haven't seen in months, when it's a big party that will migrate to the pub later in the evening? It's BYO but I want to drive because how else would I get home? I don't know what I'm doing, this is so out of my league.
Maybe this is what has been stressing me out all day.
----
Alright, I am in a better frame of mind now. It's about 2am, I just got home. After I finished this entry before, I was in a fragile state, I told Mum that I didn't want to go to the party in near tears, but she just told me that I should go, she got me a pair of shoes that's easier to move in, put some hairspray in, got me to contact my cousin Jack who was at the party and confirm everyone was there and it was a go, and then I left.
And sure, I had awkward moments and didn't properly mingle with everyone that I didn't know but I was there, I chatted, I had a laugh with mates, I saw people play beer pong for the first time and skulled some beer. I had a few vodkas and lemonade, and when that ran out, I got some vodka and coke, though everyone says not to mix those.
I got a lift with a girl I'm friends with to the club, we paid, went in, got a drink, danced for two hours, then because it's raining, I got a taxi home. Free, because another guy asked if he could jump in as well, because we were going close to the same place. He gave me a 10 dollar note when he got out and the cab fare was 10 so all was well.
I'm not drunk, but I'll drink a whole bottle of water to absorb all that vodka before I sleep. Just because I'm not a light weight doesn't mean that the vodka isn't still in my system. My ears are ringing like crazy of course, they always do when I go out clubbing.
But overall, of course I don't regret going. For the price of entry to the club and one drink, I got my whole night out. And sure, my car is still at the party, but Mum and I can go get it tomorrow once I'm okay to drive. I forged some closer bonds with girls I'm friendly with, but not friends per se. These girls are all a year younger than me but who cares really? As far as social development goes, I'm not exactly head of the pack. Drinking and dancing with my younger cousin was fun, though slightly weird, because I still feel like he is way too young to be doing that kind of thing.
Anyway, in a better mood now. If I don't feel headache-y tomorrow, I will rate tonight a success.
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Envy-the green eyed monster
I like to think that I am quite well balanced. Above average. Apart from possible risk of developing bulimia due to body issues, I am generally positive, happy and satisfied with life. I rarely am in pain or injured, I don't get headaches, cramps, broken bones. I have a near perfect sleep record, with no trouble drifting off, vivid dreams which studies show helps you deal with stress and other real life issues and possibly accounts for my low stress levels. I get lots of exercise, I have lots of close friends, my life is very drama free, I have supportive parents and family support system, I'm very much financially stable, and while not independent as far as moving out goes, it's something that isn't out of the question in the coming years. Right now I live being able to come and go as I please, get food and house provided nearly for free, right in the CBD.
I do appreciate my life. I have lots of upsides. I still occasionally play the old game 'which of my friends would I rather be...' but honestly, I've always almost chosen myself. Like, I can always find a negative like 'Yeah, but I'm prettier', 'Oh, but I'm smarter', 'It'd be good, but their parents would drive me insane', 'but their boyfriend is an asshole.' Now I get to include ones like 'yeah but she has an untreatable nerve disorder that causes constant significant pain,' 'but she's pregnant', 'yeah... but her sibling is disabled and her home life must be very tough', 'mmm, she's social and beautiful, but she's only at TAFE'.
I have always been blessed with the knowledge that whatever I don't like in my life, I still don't want to trade with anyone I know. I don't have a friend with a perfectly enviable life. The fact of the matter is, I make my life into what I want it to be, I have that molding power. Sure, I can't do everything, some things are unchangeable but for the most part, I'm happy with my life because I do the things I like, I make the choices that turn my life into something that I would personally envy.
That's what everyone does. There isn't such a thing as someone with a perfect life. Everyone puts value on different things, for me, I don't care how pretty someone is, unless they're intelligent, I couldn't stand to be them. But someone else wouldn't care less about that. The way envy works generally, is that you want something that someone else has. But I find the best way for me to head it off is to make myself answer this question whenever I feel jealous. For example, my friends grandmother died and she's about to recieve a large inheritance. But in 2 months time, she will be a teenage single mother, with a little boy, living at home, having to take a semester (at least) off uni. So, I ask myself, do I still want her life?
No, I don't.
The jealousy then passes.
I do appreciate my life. I have lots of upsides. I still occasionally play the old game 'which of my friends would I rather be...' but honestly, I've always almost chosen myself. Like, I can always find a negative like 'Yeah, but I'm prettier', 'Oh, but I'm smarter', 'It'd be good, but their parents would drive me insane', 'but their boyfriend is an asshole.' Now I get to include ones like 'yeah but she has an untreatable nerve disorder that causes constant significant pain,' 'but she's pregnant', 'yeah... but her sibling is disabled and her home life must be very tough', 'mmm, she's social and beautiful, but she's only at TAFE'.
I have always been blessed with the knowledge that whatever I don't like in my life, I still don't want to trade with anyone I know. I don't have a friend with a perfectly enviable life. The fact of the matter is, I make my life into what I want it to be, I have that molding power. Sure, I can't do everything, some things are unchangeable but for the most part, I'm happy with my life because I do the things I like, I make the choices that turn my life into something that I would personally envy.
That's what everyone does. There isn't such a thing as someone with a perfect life. Everyone puts value on different things, for me, I don't care how pretty someone is, unless they're intelligent, I couldn't stand to be them. But someone else wouldn't care less about that. The way envy works generally, is that you want something that someone else has. But I find the best way for me to head it off is to make myself answer this question whenever I feel jealous. For example, my friends grandmother died and she's about to recieve a large inheritance. But in 2 months time, she will be a teenage single mother, with a little boy, living at home, having to take a semester (at least) off uni. So, I ask myself, do I still want her life?
No, I don't.
The jealousy then passes.
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
I'm trying to get back in a positive frame of mind. I was reminded that it's when I'm positive that I get things done and I feel good about myself and everything feels in control and life is better.
But it comes down to the way I eat. My eating does get out of control. And not just a little bit. I exercise really well, I'm fit because exercise isn't something that I have an issue with. I'm kind of sporty and very competitive so getting out there isn't my problem. Food is. I walk the line between plain overeating and binge eating. If I have an eating disorder, that's what it is. Binge eating disorder. I'm not saying I do, this isn't me self diagnosing because I think that's belittling people who actually have it, I'm just saying that I am not as far removed from it as I want to be or as normal people are.
I get into a funk and I eat and eat and I hide what I eat and I feel ashamed of it but not enough to stop. And it just keeps going on and on and I don't get back on track until I have no progress left.Its just start again and I know exactly what I am doing but I don't stop. I tell myself I will, but 15 minutes later I do it again, and my brain is like 'you know this is stupid, you are regretting it already you stupid idiot and you haven't even done it yet' but I feel helpless to it, like it's an inevitability. And I've been sinking for a week now. I put on a kilo, and if I don't stop, will do it again.
This is the way it always goes down. Fuck fuck fuck. I know all I have to do is say no. I know that. And I want to. I just don't know what will happen in an hour. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. Or late tonight. I don't know what will change my mind and what I'll be tempted with.
It's so frustrating that I know how to be good and I proved I could do it but here I am,
-----
It's been....oh, maybe 40 minutes. I feel... legitimately panicked over not eating again until dinner.
That's so crazy I know, but it's also how I know there is a legitimate issue here, that my relationship with food is anything but healthy.
At least I can say I've never stuck my fingers down my throat to try to throw up. Until that day comes, and honestly, I'm not saying it never will, it could be next fucking week for all I know, I'm not going to worry any more over potential eating disorders.
But it comes down to the way I eat. My eating does get out of control. And not just a little bit. I exercise really well, I'm fit because exercise isn't something that I have an issue with. I'm kind of sporty and very competitive so getting out there isn't my problem. Food is. I walk the line between plain overeating and binge eating. If I have an eating disorder, that's what it is. Binge eating disorder. I'm not saying I do, this isn't me self diagnosing because I think that's belittling people who actually have it, I'm just saying that I am not as far removed from it as I want to be or as normal people are.
I get into a funk and I eat and eat and I hide what I eat and I feel ashamed of it but not enough to stop. And it just keeps going on and on and I don't get back on track until I have no progress left.Its just start again and I know exactly what I am doing but I don't stop. I tell myself I will, but 15 minutes later I do it again, and my brain is like 'you know this is stupid, you are regretting it already you stupid idiot and you haven't even done it yet' but I feel helpless to it, like it's an inevitability. And I've been sinking for a week now. I put on a kilo, and if I don't stop, will do it again.
This is the way it always goes down. Fuck fuck fuck. I know all I have to do is say no. I know that. And I want to. I just don't know what will happen in an hour. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. Or late tonight. I don't know what will change my mind and what I'll be tempted with.
It's so frustrating that I know how to be good and I proved I could do it but here I am,
-----
It's been....oh, maybe 40 minutes. I feel... legitimately panicked over not eating again until dinner.
That's so crazy I know, but it's also how I know there is a legitimate issue here, that my relationship with food is anything but healthy.
At least I can say I've never stuck my fingers down my throat to try to throw up. Until that day comes, and honestly, I'm not saying it never will, it could be next fucking week for all I know, I'm not going to worry any more over potential eating disorders.
Monday, 18 February 2013
I spent the weekend at my friend Jess's house. I don't know what it is (or maybe I do) but I wasn't looking forward to it. It's spending time with my best friends, yet I just find myself wanting to get out of it. One of my best friends Megan turned to me and pulled up my cheeks into a smile because I was glowering without meaning to. After that she'd just keep grinning at me, to make me smile back. It's not that I wasn't enjoying myself, I was mostly, I just also really wanted to be at home, by myself.
Sometimes you do just feel like you want to lock yourself away and be alone and I do feel inadequate and sad and self conscious and I think maybe New Years was a part of it. When I was at Jess's then (same people), and we had to dress up as each other and copy each others traits, I got a look at myself that I wasn't particularly happy with.
Also just everything my friends are doing, Sarah being 7 months pregnant but with guys after her and about to inherit 70k and Jess, becoming an expert cake decorator, staying more on track with weight loss, setting up work placements, finally getting together with her best friend, Megan with a full time job, a long term boyfriend, High Distinctions and all this other stuff going for her, and I just feel hopelessly out of my depth.
If I was each of those people, I'm sure I could find the negatives of their situations as well, but right now it's just jealously and inadequacy.
My frame of mind isn't positive at all right now, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do about it. I'm eating like crap, I'm sick of everything, I'm unhappy and I just want to hibernate for awhile.
But I have a job, and responsibilities, and exercise I have to do, and all this stuff because I am a fucking adult. I just have to keep going and going and it feels endless and I don't understand because this is my holiday but it feels so crowded and like I can't stop and that is hard.
Sometimes you do just feel like you want to lock yourself away and be alone and I do feel inadequate and sad and self conscious and I think maybe New Years was a part of it. When I was at Jess's then (same people), and we had to dress up as each other and copy each others traits, I got a look at myself that I wasn't particularly happy with.
Also just everything my friends are doing, Sarah being 7 months pregnant but with guys after her and about to inherit 70k and Jess, becoming an expert cake decorator, staying more on track with weight loss, setting up work placements, finally getting together with her best friend, Megan with a full time job, a long term boyfriend, High Distinctions and all this other stuff going for her, and I just feel hopelessly out of my depth.
If I was each of those people, I'm sure I could find the negatives of their situations as well, but right now it's just jealously and inadequacy.
My frame of mind isn't positive at all right now, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do about it. I'm eating like crap, I'm sick of everything, I'm unhappy and I just want to hibernate for awhile.
But I have a job, and responsibilities, and exercise I have to do, and all this stuff because I am a fucking adult. I just have to keep going and going and it feels endless and I don't understand because this is my holiday but it feels so crowded and like I can't stop and that is hard.
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Week 7.
So week 6 got pretty out of control. I won't call it binging, but it was just overeating and chocolate and kind of disaster zone. Week 7 started just as bad. I bought a whole pack of 12 twix bars and ate all of them. In an afternoon. I also had a hot chocolate that day. And lots of other stuff.
Today is the first day of Lent and I'm kind of giving up chocolate. I say kind of because I am definitely going to be limiting it... no more Twix's or Mars Bars or Dream or any of that, I clearly can't handle myself around it but I'm not going to cut out my choc chips with my banana and peanut butter snack and I want to have flexibility for things like hot chocolates or baking etc. Lent is over 6 weeks, it's a long time.
I did the Colour Run on Sunday, it was pretty fab. I'm keeping up with exercise. My schedule for exercise is basically, Zumba: 1-2 times a week, Boxing: 2-3 times a week, Strength & Tone: 1 time a week, Netball: 1 time a week, Basketball: 0-1 time a week, Walking To Work: 4 times a week. And Jogging: 1-2 times a week.
I am pretty in love with boxing. It's just fun and badass and such a good workout. Knees are my favourite because I'm good at them and they're so powerful and they make such a satisfying sound. We're doing elbows again this week and I'm not so good on those but they are pretty bamf as well. Also more uppercuts and different sequences. I like power punches more than speed punches. We were doing a good jab-jab-cross-cross-left knee one today that was good. We combined it with a jab-cross-jab-right knee, so it was good. The other one was jab-elbow-left uppercut-right uppercut which was good but I need more practice.
I'll be going again before work tomorrow so should get it down better then :) It seems like it's changes weekly, but during the week it's similar stuff which works for me!
I just need to get back in the zone with eating better and controlling myself and not craving everything in sight.
Today is the first day of Lent and I'm kind of giving up chocolate. I say kind of because I am definitely going to be limiting it... no more Twix's or Mars Bars or Dream or any of that, I clearly can't handle myself around it but I'm not going to cut out my choc chips with my banana and peanut butter snack and I want to have flexibility for things like hot chocolates or baking etc. Lent is over 6 weeks, it's a long time.
I did the Colour Run on Sunday, it was pretty fab. I'm keeping up with exercise. My schedule for exercise is basically, Zumba: 1-2 times a week, Boxing: 2-3 times a week, Strength & Tone: 1 time a week, Netball: 1 time a week, Basketball: 0-1 time a week, Walking To Work: 4 times a week. And Jogging: 1-2 times a week.
I am pretty in love with boxing. It's just fun and badass and such a good workout. Knees are my favourite because I'm good at them and they're so powerful and they make such a satisfying sound. We're doing elbows again this week and I'm not so good on those but they are pretty bamf as well. Also more uppercuts and different sequences. I like power punches more than speed punches. We were doing a good jab-jab-cross-cross-left knee one today that was good. We combined it with a jab-cross-jab-right knee, so it was good. The other one was jab-elbow-left uppercut-right uppercut which was good but I need more practice.
I'll be going again before work tomorrow so should get it down better then :) It seems like it's changes weekly, but during the week it's similar stuff which works for me!
I just need to get back in the zone with eating better and controlling myself and not craving everything in sight.
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
Week Sixxx
This is exciting huh? Certainly never got to week six before. Today is day 36 and things are going fine. My legs are kind of tired, my blister is slow to heal and I'm not running because I'm going to kill it even worse if I try, but I have a long day at work today, so I'll be walking there and home, plus I have Zumba tonight and that will be great fun :) Today should finish off my Satay Chicken as well so that's good. Not good because I don't love it, I do, it's the best thing in the world, but it's making my dinner unhealthy every night, rather than just once, cos I split it. Though obviously splitting it means I'm eating less badly than if I ate the entire container in one day, because lack of moderation is bad.
Today is Tuesday, so three days until I weigh in. It's quite good, the system I have going, so I stay motivated all week long. Monday/Tuesday is beginning/end of the week so that's exciting, Friday is weigh in and the weekend is right after that, so whether I'm feeling happy or sad with results, it doesn't matter, I'm going to be trying hard.
-----
Today was good, I did Booty Camp for the first time in the morning at 9:15 with Jess, then we stayed and played at the park with Keely, her cousin who is 4 for about 2 hours. I got sunburnt but it was quite good. Jess and I were cracking up half the time. We were playing Hospital, basically Keely would find some way to greviously injure her stuffed animal Fluffy then we'd be the doctors, one at a time, so at first I would just put an imaginary bandaid on. But then it was bleeding too much, so Doctor Jess would put 2 bandaids. Then I'd have to up her and put a bandage. Then she'd splint it. Then Keely would say that the splint had skewered all the way up Fluffy's stomach so I was laughing my head off while trying to keep a straight face and telling Keely that a splint was clearly a bad idea and that after stitching it up, I'd have to put a plaster cast on.... and on and on it went. For at least another hour. Kids are exhausting. Fun, but it's nice to be able to hand them back :)
I went home, had lunch, read my book, slept for a few hours, then did Strength and Tone (I really want muscles now) and finished up with boxing. Good times. I came home and had Roast Lamb for dinner- yum!
I need to sleep/nap less but it's just all the exercise I think, I get tired a lot. I go to bed early, wake up early, then do either classes or I work or I run, either way I'm doing something to use up energy. I napped about 2 and a half hours today, after a regular 8 hours last night but it's half past 9 now and I'm nearly ready to nod off.
It's the good kind of exhausted though. My muscles are being well used, I'm eating enough including snacks, but not excessively, and I feel good about myself and my body. Exercise is good for that in some ways, I don't mind not shaving my legs or doing my hair or wearing makeup, I'm leaving the house to sweat. The more I sweat, the better it is.
Also, I feel like I'm looking at myself in the mirror more, just in my room, like when I wake up, and I'm not afraid of it. I'm not afraid of how far my stomach sticks out or my leg bulges or my thick arms, I'm just more okay with it. Like, my hands have started searching out my hip bones when I'm lying in bed. And they're there, I can see them. If I didn't have all the stomach fat, they would be visible and could stick out and that's really cool to me.
Plus since I realised there are the beginnings of muscles on my arms, I'm totally eager to make them bigger. Bigger equals smaller really, because muscle is so much leaner than fat, but it's a matter of decreasing the fat in, under and around the muscle, while letting the muscle grow! I'm as motivated as ever, though craving chocolate a teeny bit. I actually had the most delicious snack. For just over 200 calories, it was perfectly legit, I sliced up half a banana in very thin slices- I always do that so it feels like it's more than it is- 20g of peanut butter that I dabbed on half of them like a little spread, then 5g of dark choc chips, about 5 little ones per slice. Then I put a second banana slice on top, like a little sandwich.
Oh my god, the flavours were so well mixed and they complimented each other perfectly and it was delicious. It's a perfect pre workout snack. When I had it, I wasn't craving anything in particular, or even totally hungry but I was going to do 105 minutes of exercise and I want to stop eating not enough, so I made it and I am so glad I did.
Sort of like these, but with banana on top as well :) And less pb, more choc chops and thinner banana... but I can't find the picture that gave me the idea sadly.
-----
Wooo, boxing this morning! Sam got me to demonstrate doing the knee because I have good form! Yay, the knee is my favourite thing because I like being aggressive and feeling like a badass and the smack against the pads is brilliant. I nearly kneed the woman I was working with cos i got a little over excited but apart from that, it was good.
Slowly I think my form is improving. I know I need to work on it every class but I'm focusing on keeping my shoulders and elbows down, punching in the right place, drawing my arms back far enough etc. Today I think I was doing better than yesterday. It was the same sequence as yesterday as well, so that was good, because now I'm better at it. Not perfect, I still forget and mess up bits but an improvement on yesterday.
I am so sore today though. I'm going to have to stretch throughout the day if I can be bothered because my legs have been doing an obscene number of squats and lunges.
My blister is at a bit of a standstill, it's not really closing up the last bit as I'd like it too before I start running again. Since the race is on Sunday, I can't afford for it to all split open again by running tomorrow or Saturday. But I don't want to not have one final run before Sunday... it's a pickle.
In the morning, after I weigh in, I'll either go to Strength and Tone, or I'll run before work. It'll be a long day which is a good thing really because if the number is bad, I don't want to sit and brood. I just want at least a kilo gone from last week.
-----
I just can't stop eating today, it's driving me mad. I'm done now, nothing more until after work, when I'll have dinner. It's just being at home alone all day, I'm tempted and though not hungry exactly, I just want tastes. But I had fruit, and more fruit and finally fruit with pb and choc chips and now I am done. I have done no particular damage, as long as I can keep my dinner small and my bloody mouth closed until then. Tomorrow is weigh in and I'd like to be better and I'm eating in moderation but moderation still adds up... lots of grapes, then an apple, then half a banana... I know for a fact I'm not hungry, and those snacks were delicious and well appreciated but no more.
-----
Yep... weigh in in the morning. Please please please, I do not want another 'crazy upset' reaction. I want to be pleased, is that too much to ask? I have been frigging perfect. Everything I have eaten has been healthy or in moderation, I have exercised like crazy, I am sore as hell, I have drunk lots of water, I am not on my period, the scale should be nice to me this week. If it's not, I swear to God...
But, because I need to remain positive and on track regardless, here are my reminders to myself.
Crazy upset. Only because it doesn't make sense. This has never happened before, I've never struggled to lose weight on the scale, my problem has always been keeping up motivation.
But now, I'm exercising every day. I'm eating healthy. I'm doing so well in every area, I can see the goddamn improvement in everything athletic that I am doing. Yet the scale shows me nothing. My clothes aren't really fitting better which means that it's not like my body is changing and that is just not something being reflected on the scales.
Last week I could accept that I was on my period, I'd had a lot of salt which would have added to water weight. This week, no period, no salt. The only possible things that could be affecting it is muscle, which weighs more, and soreness, which means water retention. And yes, okay, I like muscle. I am excited to have it. But right now, the pressing concern is losing the fat in, on and around that muscle because until then, you can't even see it!
I don't want a huge wobbly ass and legs too thick to cross and having to endure going to more clothes shops with my friends while they can try on anything and I can't even consider it. I don't want to have to know that the fact guys don't ask me out is because I'm not skinny enough to be pretty enough for them. I'm so tired of being the ugly friend, of being the sidekick. I want to be having my own adventures and maybe weight shouldn't hold me back but it fucking does and I don't know what I can do about it except give my all in getting rid of it, but now that isn't even working!
I should be in the 60's now! I should be celebrating a healthy BMI by Week 6. Instead, I am fucking not even close. I have started these things closer than I am now. It's fucking bullshit. I know what I'm doing and I'm confident that I'm doing it right. So why no changes?
------
I'm still kind of upset about it all and it's very demotivating. Yesterday I had a rest day, which wasn't completely planned but it was quite neccessary. You seriously don't know how sore all my muscles are. My legs are still painful as fuck to stretch out. It's why I'm changing weigh ins to Mondays, like a normal person. If Friday and Sunday are most likely going to be rest days, it makes sense to weigh in after those days, rather than when I'm sore and everything hurts. Besides, it'll mean I can burn off my frustration in exercise, not sit around all weekend upset and eating.
Yesterday was the first time that I really wanted to just give up for the day and just eat a 12 pack of mini twix's or something. I was working all day (10-5, then tutoring), and so my eating was okay, except I was given this Lebanese sweet that was delicious but that I couldn't say no to because it was at work and she'd already handed it to me, so that was bad. Then I had dinner at my friends house, because I'm tutoring her brother, so I got dinner included, which I was worried about. It was tacos and in their family, that's literally just tacos and meat. I got carrot, lettuce and beetroot added thankfully and so it was okay, except that if I'd served myself I'd of eaten one, but she gave me three. Everybody in this family is overweight. I didn't want to be rude so I ate two and a bit. I mean, they were lovely, I just felt guilty.
Then I came home and I had an apple and grapes and I just wanted food. I'm glad I stopped myself there.
I know tomorrow I'm going to hopefully say that again 'I'm glad I stopped myself there". Today isn't going to be a good day either. I am still unhappy, I am still wanting to take that out on my body through food. Instead of normal breakfast, I had my treat yogurt, which is really filling, but I followed it up with my ban/pb/choc chip snack as well.
It's like a healthy version of overeating but I just know that half of me wants to say fuck it, and I don't know what camp I'm going to fall into.
Today is Tuesday, so three days until I weigh in. It's quite good, the system I have going, so I stay motivated all week long. Monday/Tuesday is beginning/end of the week so that's exciting, Friday is weigh in and the weekend is right after that, so whether I'm feeling happy or sad with results, it doesn't matter, I'm going to be trying hard.
-----
Today was good, I did Booty Camp for the first time in the morning at 9:15 with Jess, then we stayed and played at the park with Keely, her cousin who is 4 for about 2 hours. I got sunburnt but it was quite good. Jess and I were cracking up half the time. We were playing Hospital, basically Keely would find some way to greviously injure her stuffed animal Fluffy then we'd be the doctors, one at a time, so at first I would just put an imaginary bandaid on. But then it was bleeding too much, so Doctor Jess would put 2 bandaids. Then I'd have to up her and put a bandage. Then she'd splint it. Then Keely would say that the splint had skewered all the way up Fluffy's stomach so I was laughing my head off while trying to keep a straight face and telling Keely that a splint was clearly a bad idea and that after stitching it up, I'd have to put a plaster cast on.... and on and on it went. For at least another hour. Kids are exhausting. Fun, but it's nice to be able to hand them back :)
I went home, had lunch, read my book, slept for a few hours, then did Strength and Tone (I really want muscles now) and finished up with boxing. Good times. I came home and had Roast Lamb for dinner- yum!
I need to sleep/nap less but it's just all the exercise I think, I get tired a lot. I go to bed early, wake up early, then do either classes or I work or I run, either way I'm doing something to use up energy. I napped about 2 and a half hours today, after a regular 8 hours last night but it's half past 9 now and I'm nearly ready to nod off.
It's the good kind of exhausted though. My muscles are being well used, I'm eating enough including snacks, but not excessively, and I feel good about myself and my body. Exercise is good for that in some ways, I don't mind not shaving my legs or doing my hair or wearing makeup, I'm leaving the house to sweat. The more I sweat, the better it is.
Also, I feel like I'm looking at myself in the mirror more, just in my room, like when I wake up, and I'm not afraid of it. I'm not afraid of how far my stomach sticks out or my leg bulges or my thick arms, I'm just more okay with it. Like, my hands have started searching out my hip bones when I'm lying in bed. And they're there, I can see them. If I didn't have all the stomach fat, they would be visible and could stick out and that's really cool to me.
Plus since I realised there are the beginnings of muscles on my arms, I'm totally eager to make them bigger. Bigger equals smaller really, because muscle is so much leaner than fat, but it's a matter of decreasing the fat in, under and around the muscle, while letting the muscle grow! I'm as motivated as ever, though craving chocolate a teeny bit. I actually had the most delicious snack. For just over 200 calories, it was perfectly legit, I sliced up half a banana in very thin slices- I always do that so it feels like it's more than it is- 20g of peanut butter that I dabbed on half of them like a little spread, then 5g of dark choc chips, about 5 little ones per slice. Then I put a second banana slice on top, like a little sandwich.
Oh my god, the flavours were so well mixed and they complimented each other perfectly and it was delicious. It's a perfect pre workout snack. When I had it, I wasn't craving anything in particular, or even totally hungry but I was going to do 105 minutes of exercise and I want to stop eating not enough, so I made it and I am so glad I did.
Sort of like these, but with banana on top as well :) And less pb, more choc chops and thinner banana... but I can't find the picture that gave me the idea sadly.
-----
Wooo, boxing this morning! Sam got me to demonstrate doing the knee because I have good form! Yay, the knee is my favourite thing because I like being aggressive and feeling like a badass and the smack against the pads is brilliant. I nearly kneed the woman I was working with cos i got a little over excited but apart from that, it was good.
Slowly I think my form is improving. I know I need to work on it every class but I'm focusing on keeping my shoulders and elbows down, punching in the right place, drawing my arms back far enough etc. Today I think I was doing better than yesterday. It was the same sequence as yesterday as well, so that was good, because now I'm better at it. Not perfect, I still forget and mess up bits but an improvement on yesterday.
I am so sore today though. I'm going to have to stretch throughout the day if I can be bothered because my legs have been doing an obscene number of squats and lunges.
My blister is at a bit of a standstill, it's not really closing up the last bit as I'd like it too before I start running again. Since the race is on Sunday, I can't afford for it to all split open again by running tomorrow or Saturday. But I don't want to not have one final run before Sunday... it's a pickle.
In the morning, after I weigh in, I'll either go to Strength and Tone, or I'll run before work. It'll be a long day which is a good thing really because if the number is bad, I don't want to sit and brood. I just want at least a kilo gone from last week.
-----
I just can't stop eating today, it's driving me mad. I'm done now, nothing more until after work, when I'll have dinner. It's just being at home alone all day, I'm tempted and though not hungry exactly, I just want tastes. But I had fruit, and more fruit and finally fruit with pb and choc chips and now I am done. I have done no particular damage, as long as I can keep my dinner small and my bloody mouth closed until then. Tomorrow is weigh in and I'd like to be better and I'm eating in moderation but moderation still adds up... lots of grapes, then an apple, then half a banana... I know for a fact I'm not hungry, and those snacks were delicious and well appreciated but no more.
-----
Yep... weigh in in the morning. Please please please, I do not want another 'crazy upset' reaction. I want to be pleased, is that too much to ask? I have been frigging perfect. Everything I have eaten has been healthy or in moderation, I have exercised like crazy, I am sore as hell, I have drunk lots of water, I am not on my period, the scale should be nice to me this week. If it's not, I swear to God...
But, because I need to remain positive and on track regardless, here are my reminders to myself.
- The scale only reflects my relationship with gravity, not my worth, my attractiveness, my heart, my soul, my beauty and certainly it does not always reflect the effort that has been put in!
- As long as it's a loss, I'm doing something right. The week is over, it had a lot of great moments in it and no regrets. I have improved at boxing, at running, at push ups, in confidence at exercise classes, at remembering peoples names. I have gained confidence in this domain. I have bought new running shoes, specifically for running. I have pretty new undies. I got petrol for the first time, from my own pocket, for my own car. I got paid 400 bucks for the work I did this week. I realised I'm going to get muscle. I read some good books. I found the perfect idea and place for a date. I bonded with my cousin and with Jess. I am happy with the week I had. I don't regret those workouts, or saying no to that chocolate or extra food. I don't wish that I had of given in or not tried so hard.
- We are one step closer. We are another week in, another bit closer to proving that this isn't a fad or an instant fix. We want to be healthier and we are accomplishing it, little by little.
- Any loss is better than nothing, the week would have gone by anyway, we're still closer to uni and meeting new people and needing to be wearing attractive clothes in public, aren't you glad that you did something towards making that experience better?
Crazy upset. Only because it doesn't make sense. This has never happened before, I've never struggled to lose weight on the scale, my problem has always been keeping up motivation.
But now, I'm exercising every day. I'm eating healthy. I'm doing so well in every area, I can see the goddamn improvement in everything athletic that I am doing. Yet the scale shows me nothing. My clothes aren't really fitting better which means that it's not like my body is changing and that is just not something being reflected on the scales.
Last week I could accept that I was on my period, I'd had a lot of salt which would have added to water weight. This week, no period, no salt. The only possible things that could be affecting it is muscle, which weighs more, and soreness, which means water retention. And yes, okay, I like muscle. I am excited to have it. But right now, the pressing concern is losing the fat in, on and around that muscle because until then, you can't even see it!
I don't want a huge wobbly ass and legs too thick to cross and having to endure going to more clothes shops with my friends while they can try on anything and I can't even consider it. I don't want to have to know that the fact guys don't ask me out is because I'm not skinny enough to be pretty enough for them. I'm so tired of being the ugly friend, of being the sidekick. I want to be having my own adventures and maybe weight shouldn't hold me back but it fucking does and I don't know what I can do about it except give my all in getting rid of it, but now that isn't even working!
I should be in the 60's now! I should be celebrating a healthy BMI by Week 6. Instead, I am fucking not even close. I have started these things closer than I am now. It's fucking bullshit. I know what I'm doing and I'm confident that I'm doing it right. So why no changes?
------
I'm still kind of upset about it all and it's very demotivating. Yesterday I had a rest day, which wasn't completely planned but it was quite neccessary. You seriously don't know how sore all my muscles are. My legs are still painful as fuck to stretch out. It's why I'm changing weigh ins to Mondays, like a normal person. If Friday and Sunday are most likely going to be rest days, it makes sense to weigh in after those days, rather than when I'm sore and everything hurts. Besides, it'll mean I can burn off my frustration in exercise, not sit around all weekend upset and eating.
Yesterday was the first time that I really wanted to just give up for the day and just eat a 12 pack of mini twix's or something. I was working all day (10-5, then tutoring), and so my eating was okay, except I was given this Lebanese sweet that was delicious but that I couldn't say no to because it was at work and she'd already handed it to me, so that was bad. Then I had dinner at my friends house, because I'm tutoring her brother, so I got dinner included, which I was worried about. It was tacos and in their family, that's literally just tacos and meat. I got carrot, lettuce and beetroot added thankfully and so it was okay, except that if I'd served myself I'd of eaten one, but she gave me three. Everybody in this family is overweight. I didn't want to be rude so I ate two and a bit. I mean, they were lovely, I just felt guilty.
Then I came home and I had an apple and grapes and I just wanted food. I'm glad I stopped myself there.
I know tomorrow I'm going to hopefully say that again 'I'm glad I stopped myself there". Today isn't going to be a good day either. I am still unhappy, I am still wanting to take that out on my body through food. Instead of normal breakfast, I had my treat yogurt, which is really filling, but I followed it up with my ban/pb/choc chip snack as well.
It's like a healthy version of overeating but I just know that half of me wants to say fuck it, and I don't know what camp I'm going to fall into.
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