This week has been the WORST.

Okay, I'm kidding. I just worked a lot and had a lot of uni due. Like, I was at work yesterday morning, and I was stressed about getting my essay done and my Boss said something that wasn't even mean or rude, just a bit sharp, and I just felt like going home and crying, it was silly.

It's also just been a hard week because I haven't had time to see a lot of friends and I think I really miss Exeter for the student living and the social aspect. Like, I always felt weird if Jen and I didn't see each other for a day, because that's weird when you live together. But now I'm at home, I know I'm having a lot of conversations with people, especially my Mum, but it's different.

I think this term I just feel more out of place, in terms of knowing who I am and where I fit and who I want to be and what I want to do. Uni has been much more difficult than I remember but I have no motivation for it at all. I just want to be a primary school teacher. I don't know where I want to live or where I want to be after graduation. I suddenly feel like I've leveled up and soon all my friends will be graduating and getting engaged and I can't predict what lies beyond that, in that murky next stage of life especially when our life stages begin to grow more out of sync.

I'm not doubting any friendships, I just can no longer predict them.

On the opposite end of the emotional spectrum, the boy giving me butterflies continues to do so. I like to hope that I'm being very mature and rational but that fact is, he makes me smile for no reason and I know it's just because I like him.

I know that I have had crushes since you know who. Kind of. There have been a few girls that I considered myself interested in, and a guy I definitely would have slept with if he'd asked/ flirted at all, but this is different. It's like being back in high school. I mean, it would take him like 2 seconds to get into my pants which I suppose isn't very high school, but just the giddy excitement, that's high school all over.

In other bad news, actually, the worst news of all by a long shot-- the only reason I didn't write it first is I only just found out and I wrote the rest of this this afternoon, is that  my cousin, who has been battling cancer all year and was given the all clear last month, found another cancer today. So that's shit.

Fucking cancer. I'm a lot more scared this time. Last time I was on Exchange and I was worried, but it was distant and I had faith that things would turn out right. And for the most part, it was quite simple. This time, not so much. It's just not fucking fair. My cousin is the greatest. She's the most wonderful. And maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here with this, but I cannot imagine my life is she wasn't here to be in it.

Life continues to chug on, but happily.

My social life is on the up, I have organised to see most of my friends at least once a week in various timeslots, which is wonderful. I definitely feel that unless a substantial effort is put in, friendships don't stay strong. They require regular maintenence, which of course is a pleasure rather than a chore when you have lovely friends like I do. Megan and I are doing regular mental health check ins with each other which is funny. I practice my psychologist skills on her, since she can't resist my pretty face (obviously) and then she guilts me into spilling my guts back. My friend Stacey and I saw a movie tonight and are seeing 'Lucy' on Wednesday and should be doing more fitness stuff together too which is great. Jen and I just skyped so we are all caught up and things are fine there.

It can be difficult to juggle so many friendships without feeling like some get neglected, like, not talking for two weeks or something (I'm definitely guilty of that), but I think that's okay sometimes with some friendships that can just pick up where they left off. For the most part though, I'm very satisfied with the quality of my friendships right now. I'm also excited to have so many friends from a post-high school era. I've certainly gained new appreciation for the changes in my life since high school, because as much as I don't think anything is different, I know I've changed and my friendgroup has too, and it's for better, not worse, definitely :)

I've always ignored the 'college is where you meet your friends for life' quote, because I thought it was useless since I already had my friends for life in tow, but now I realise there was room for improvement and addition and my life is richer for it.

My goals for this week, and the beginning of Spring, are to work harder at fitness, uni, debating, and making closer friendships with the debating people and Jen's friends. I have a mission to become at least on aquaintence terms with Jen's best friend by the time she gets back. Like, there's no reason for us not to get on, we both love Jen and she thinks we're both great so it should work? Right?

Some cute stuff is happening, of the crush variety. This happens so rarely, it's like I don't even remember what it's like, but I feel happy, like there are possibilities and opportunities for fun ahead. Like, obviously, it's way too early to even be thinking about anything like that, we're become friends that's all, but like, why shouldn't it become more than friends if we like each other and we're both single? I'm just so happy about it and want to be able to talk about it. Thankfully the bffl is always up for a chat about my love life. She's super settled in her own and though we don't see eye to eye on this kind of stuff, she often sees stuff I don't, and thinks in a different way to me, so that can be helpful (or annoying when she's a buzzkill). I also like that it's someone she doesn't know. I feel like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch when he talks about his family, and is like 'I found it all on my own. It's little, and broken, but it's still good. Yeah, still good'. That's my love life lol. I found it all by myself, which is great for a second reason in that whenever Mia tries to 'set me up', which she doesn't, all she does it go 'you should date that guy' to some random we know at uni, she always picks people I'd have zero interest in. Bitch don't know me.

I mean, okay, obviously she does, but she does struggle with identifying people that I'd like to date.

She overemphasises the 'all Lucy cares about is feminism and sexism and equality!' thing into, Lucy needs someone that will passively accept all my opinions which I fucking hate. Like, obviously, be into equality, but if you want to argue the finer details, if you want to debate affirmative action or the wage gap or parental rights and child support and basically, any issue under the sun, that's how you make me like you. I like people that are more confident than me, not less, that more than keep up with me. I want someone who can compliment me in areas that I'm not the best at. Like, I want someone who's comfortable in social situations, to make up for my average at best social presence. I have my own strengths, I know I do, so I'm not saying I just want someone better than me in every aspect but in the area that is my worst, confidence in social settings with people I'm not intimate with, I don't want someone that will drag me down. I like going outside my comfort zone and doing new things, but I can't often do that alone. If I got with someone who hated doing that stuff, would never try and made me the one that had to be the aggressor to get us to do anything, I know I wouldn't be able to go half as far. Not to mention I'd just think less of the other person.

Basically, be reasonably intelligent and be more extraverted than me, that's the basis of what I like.

And I've found someone that had that grounding and is also turning out to be wonderful, so we'll see where that goes.

This is another post about how I have nothing to complain about because all is going well #boring

Blogging isn't easy when there isn't much to say! Things are progressing as they always do.

Everything is very satisfying, friends, work, uni etc etc. Mental health has been a bit weird but I'm making a doctors appointment and might see about getting a therapist for that. Nothing serious but if getting help fixes things better than I can do on my own, why not right? As squeamish and judgemental as I am about that stuff, it's literally the profession I've chosen so I should deal with that probably.

I had three 21st's this weekend, which was intense, but super fun! I saw a guy I used to date in high school that I've fallen out of contact with and we had a fun time catching up. I'm fine not being friends any more but there is still fondness there. I got drunk-ish at the next 21st but not as much as I'd have liked. The weather just didn't cooperate and it was cold and leeches and things so my friend and I ditched and went home early, though we stayed up until 6am talking. I haven't had a sleepover in forever, it was great. We made pancakes in the morning and got ready for our Mad Hatter's Tea Party 21st which was amazeballs. We went as Cheshire cats and it was oodles of fun, I love dress up.

Debating is going wonderfully. Exceeding all expectations, I love it and look forward to it and enjoy it immensely, so that's a new passion found. I'm glad I don't find it difficult to get excited about things, I'm already planning for the weekend competition I'll be competing in at the end of term, because why not? I'm not scared of the speaking the way I was only three weeks ago, and I think I'm improving a bit.

I've also started learning Dutch. I found this wonderful site, it's like a game. You get points and gems and stuff for getting through exercises and you have lives that get lost when you get the wrong answer and it's just this great learning tool and hopefully I stay enthusiastic and keep learning enough to hold a conversation and then I can start practising with my Dutch friends, who would be totally supportive and helpful.

My other goal for this year is to start learning guitar. Either by borrowing or buying cheaply and then seeing if I like it/ have any affinity for it through youtube tutorials. I just want to be able to play Taylor Swift songs, lets be real here. But I have the time to do all these things and I don't want to be one of those people who didn't learn an instrument or a language as a kid and think, oh well, that's never going to be me, because hold on, like, I'm 20, not on my way to the grave. The rest of my life is an awfully long time just to think 'well, I'm too old to start now'.

When I wrote my story where I got a chance to go back and fix things, I realised with shock that literally, I could have everything that I had in my story. I could have fitness and music skills and speaking skills and artistic skills and language skills and confidence. Maybe not to the incredible levels I had in my story, but I don't have to accept that my personal narrative is already set and unchangeable. I mean, I think I'm already kind of interesting, but how much more interesting could I be if I had all these skills and interests?

No one wants someone who just sits around all day, people want to be with people that are passionate and apply themselves and are willing to try new things, no matter how good or bad they are. Amy Poehler has this great quote about how great people don't wait until they're ready. Like with travel, there is never a perfect time, you just have to go and try. I know I sound really self help book right now but really, the second you start to think you're limited, you become limited. If you put in time, and work, and effort, you can do pretty much most things.

I'm optimistic tonight I guess :)

Everything is still coming up Milhouse.

I'm back working, which is good. Income of any kind is awesome, and while I have no immediate plans to travel, who knows where I'm going to want to go next year. I'm still kind of thinking of au pairing in the US and deferring for a year, but I think that one is a pipe dream.

Work is a lot of fun. Like, I'm not saying I'd do it for free, but I enjoy it. I like the work, I like the atmosphere and I like the people I work with. I've made plans to go out on Saturday night with the two girls I know best, and hopefully that happens! I'm keen to go out and I like making plans with people outside my standard group of four people that I can text any time and be like 'hang out with me'. Those are my first tier friends. Then there is a second tier which is asking politely and usually giving a day or so notice, and then there is third tier which is work friends who I want to bump up to second tier. Of note is the fact that everyone in my tier system is female. I don't really have many guy friends and none on the making plans one on one level :/ But I'm working on that! I've joined debating which is majority male and I might be able to start going in to uni for femsoc, though I doubt I'll meet any guys there, making friends is always a step towards meeting guys, because everyone knows someone else and that's how connections are made.

Also, boys are hard work and I still don't know where I sit on the 'boys and girls can be just friends' argument, at least for people whose sexualities align. On one hand, I definitely believe that men and women should be friends but I do think that most friendships do tend to have some kind of romantic/ sexual bump in the road at some point, if they are close enough.

Uni is going well, I'm doing a lot of Marketing this semester and it's really interesting thus far! I'm looking forward to this semester of mostly Commerce and only Psych stats which isn't really psychology anyway. Not because I don't like psych but it's been my primary degree for the last three semesters and I do quite well at Commerce so it'll be a different kind of term which is good. I got a 72 in Marketing Strategy in Exeter which is a First, and super exciting. I was sitting on a 70 which is still a HD equivalent but I'm glad to know I did well in the exam and must have got a 74. Hurray!

Debating

So I promised myself when I came home that I would try to bring my Exchange mindset back with me. I told myself that I would attempt to make friends, join clubs, plan fun things like activities and parties, all the stuff that I did on Exchange that makes it special. Because time is so valuable there, and everyone's looking for an extraordinary experience, fun things happen more often.

But home can be like that too, and I'm always trying to improve myself so yeah, I'm going to a debating meeting this afternoon. It took someone flat out asking me to join, plus nervous tumblr blogging about it and having five people be like DO IT, for me to really be like... okay, I will maybe go on Monday, maybe.

I'm still on the fence. I'm like 95% like, yeah, I'll go, okay. But I'm scared, I hate new people, I hate being bad at things, I hate being in new situations, that is literally the worst. Ehhhhhh.

But it won't be a new situation forever and the people won't be strangers after I meet them and wherever the meeting is, it won't be scary and I'll be cool... okay, I just need to convince myself of that.

----

I went! It was fun. I did have fun. I also had moments of 'this is the worst decision I've ever made', like, moments before I had to stand up and debate, but shaking hands aside, I'm glad I went and did it. I'm going to keep going, I'm going to try again and get better. I think if I'm going to be happy, I have to do things I'm not comfortable with. Sure, some people are natural speakers, but a lot have to work at it and they improve and gain confidence through practice.

I think it's kind of awesome that I can be terrified of public speaking but join a debating club. You don't get over things by avoiding them and I want to meet people and become better than I am now. Some of my biggest flaws are that I lack confidence when talking to people and I'm shy and quiet. That's why people take drama right? To fix that stuff. Well, this is my attempt :)

Homeeeee

So.

I'm home! It's wonderful to be back. I had a party today (my mum went so overboard with the food and the stress) but it was good to catch up with people I hadn't see in awhile. Not that it felt like I hadn't seen them, it all just felt as natural as ever, except without Jen and my Exeter crew, it did feel like something was missing.

I finally got back into a normal sleep pattern. Every day I've been waking up at 5am and not being able to get myself back to sleep, leading to me sleeping at ridiculous times and being useless. But today, I managed to go back to sleep and actually overslept, not waking up until almost midday. Oops.

But at least it gave my body time to heal. I've been sick ever since the plane, but I think I'm finally on the mend which means everything is coming up Milhouse.

I got my job back yesterday, Mum bought me a new dress and two pairs of shoes and four pairs of tights and two shirts and Dad got me flowers and so did my Auntie Rosemary and I love flowers, especially bright yellow ones and yesterday my Auntie Maureen took my cousin and I out for haircuts (her shout) so now my hair has a new style that I'm quite pleased with. My long term goal is still to grow it right out but it's still short for now sadly.

Mia and my cousin Lizzy were making plans to have coffee. Together. Alone. Which was weird, but now we've made plans instead to go to San Churros on Wednesday evening, with Megan and Jess as well, so I'll get to see them again. I am determined not to let Megan be a loner this semester. I missed seeing her loads so I'll make sure she is hanging out with me/us a lot. Jess too. We are always fine to go three months without seeing each other, though we don't often go that long, but there's no reason for it really. I'll see her Tuesday and Wednesday this week and I had dinner with Megan on Thursday so maybe we'll organise to do dinner or something next weekend/ Monday. Jess and I made tentative plans to go to the Uni movies Wednesday after next as well which will be awesome but I've just realised I have a tute until 7:30 on Wedesday's. Bummer! Hopefully it'll finish early so I won't have to miss the start anytime I go. That was the only tute I didn't get the exact time I wanted, but who knows, maybe a spot will open up in the tute the hour earlier? Unlikely only because that tute is straight after the lecture and therefore popular.

I'm seeing Sarah and Corey on Tuesday (can't wait to see that baby!) and then from Wednesday I should have shifts back at work. Hopefully Tues/Wed/Thurs (or weekends) but I won't know until Tuesday when the new roster comes out. I'm looking forward to starting again and seeing my work friends but nervous too, about memorising the price changes and anything new on the menu or any new girls or anything like that. It should all be fine and of course, I need the money and I like the structure work gives my life but still, eeeeeeeep!

Overall, coming home has been a welcome change of pace. I'm looking forward to Uni tomorrow and getting started on a brand new semester, because I'm sure I'll be as busy as ever.

T minus 1 day to the end of Exchange

It's my last night in Europe. I should probably take some time to reflect on the last six months. I said goodbye to Jen and Simon today in Paris and there were tears. Jen and I cuddled in bed for awhile listening to 'You and I' by Lifehouse and it was just sad. I'm feeling upset just thinking about it honestly. I know it's only five months, but I really love that girl. As much as I love Mia and Megan and I love them with all my heart.

I can't explain Jen. At first, I thought she was so like Megan, in every good way (because Megan has always been the epitome of perfection to me). Then of course, over time, people stop being amalgamations of people we already know and just grow into themselves. Jen sent me this snapchat back in January and while I have about 100 other screenshotted snaps from her, this was the one that always made me laugh the hardest. Jen is the most beautiful girl I know but damn can she make great ugly faces. So near the end of term, we printed off a whole bunch of photos of us and our friends to hang in our flat and she made sure this was one of them because she knows how it tickles me. Then today, she gave it to me, writing her goodbye on the back.

It was ridiculous, because I read it right after saying goodbye so I was walking down this Paris street trying not to bawl my eyes out with every sentence and then I'd flip it over and see that face and just want to laugh.

Okay I am crying now.

I didn't cry when I left for Exchange but leaving, I am a mess. This girl made my life so much better and the last six months incredible. If I had to choose between meeting her and every other part of exchange, I'd pick meeting her because I know that is the part of it all that is going to last. Living with her made my flat my home, rather than just where I slept. It gave me someone to come home to, to talk to, to know was there for me right from day one. Her support and friendship means the world to me and I like to think that I was able to reciprocate that.

She told me, on her last night in Exeter that I was more capable than I thought. I remembered that countless times over the last month and a half, every time things got tough and I was uncertain or worried, and I know so much of that capability stems from the fact that she taught me how to do so many things for the first time. Now I can travel the world no problem, but before exchange, I had no idea how to navigate an airport or check in at a hotel, or so many other things.

There's a psychology theory of learning, by Vygotsky, of the zone of proximal development. Simply, people learn from other people who are more capable, and that this is most effective when the gap between capabilities is within the zone of proximal development. If they are, then with a little bit of help, the less capable person will be able to gain the skill.

So that's what teachers are supposed to do, provide the extra boost to get the student to make the jump to the next step of learning the skill. They provide scaffolding, so that while being guided, the student can focus on the parts they can do, and then when they aren't being guided anymore, the scaffolding is removed and the task can be completed on their own.

Anyway, that's just how I see it when Jen says I'm capable. If I am, it's because she helped me to be. I'm glad I went backpacking because I think sometimes I put myself in a position of learned helplessness and rely on others to do things I could most likely do, if given the chance. Now that I finally stepped out into the real world and got my chance to do things unassisted, I realised she was right.

I'm glad I came of Exchange, no question. Whole heartedly recommend it.

The only thing I'd say is that you can't expect your whole life and personality to change just because you're on the other side of the world. If you want to change, you have to work for it, otherwise it won't happen. I remember thinking that I wouldn't be spending much time on the computer once I was in England. It didn't change, I was still awake at all hours, spending long days being lazy in bed.

I was still awkward and not great at making friends, but experience really does make you rich, sometimes if you do something enough, you just get a bit better at it. I can make small talk a little better now.

It didn't make me not think about you-know-who less, even though I was on the other side of the world. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't one of the reasons I did Exchange, to get away from him, even though he literally wasn't in my life barely anyway. While being away, I deleted him off Facebook and haven't spoken to him in months. I don't necessarily want to see him again or be friends, but it wasn't Exchange that pulled that off, it was me. And I certainly have realised there are better things out there than him.

As far as being a traveller now, the world feels both bigger and smaller. There's always new places to go, but once you explore a city, it does feel smaller, like it isn't infinite anymore, you can name it and put pictures and memories to it and that is odd. Of course, ideally I would live a year or two in every country in the world, in every city, in every town, but unfortunately that's not plausible just yet.

I'm excited to come home. I'm just exhausted. As much as I hate goodbyes, I'm dying to see my parents and family and I think there are more tears to come, happy ones. I miss Australia, I miss good meat and salt and vinegar chips and fruit and cooler weather and I miss my house and my room and uni and sport and I love all that, and I can't wait to be Lucy 2.0 and just have a great time back at home, trying to keep the exchange spirit of making new friends and having fun and parties and doing things together with people spontaneously and never getting into a rut.

I want to continue painting, because I discovered such a passion for it, and maybe get guitar lessons. To quote Tomorrow When The War Began (movie), I want to do more, see more, I want to be more.

If Exchange does anything, it makes you realise how much there is out there, and how small our individual worlds are. The possibilities truly are endless and that's exciting.

If I end up being a clinical psychologist, that's great. If I end up doing my Masters in Primary Education instead, great. If I decide to take next year off and Au Pair in America, or go on Exchange to South Africa or Spain, great. I have options now. Way more than I realised. I don't want to stay on the linear path if I don't need to. And I don't need to.

I am going to miss everyone I met, incredibly so. But I do think that I'll end up in the US/Canada one day, and back the The Netherlands to see the Dutchies and when Jen ends up back in England, I'll fly back and have holidays with her and when Simon gets back next year, we'll drink together in the Unibar and Jen and I will constantly be at each others houses drinking tea from our teapots.

I just know things are going to end up good.