This you-know-who thing is getting back to being too serious. I mean, sure, I didn't even see him this week, I don't care, I chose not to stay around, I had better things to do, but at the same time, why can't he get the fuck out of my dreams?
And in class today, one of the students mentioned something about a dream they'd had where they failed an exam and the Tutor was like 'all it means is that you care about your marks.' and I was like 'no, but I don't want to care about this!' And I swear, it was a doozy of a dream. Or nightmare.
There are always things that pop up in my dreams from time to time, my subconscious just really likes/ hates them. Cross country is always awesome, buses are always bad etc etc. This was a cross country race, and I don't know how exactly but the climax of the dream was this, I don't remember how it got to this point but I was sitting with you-know-who, like, face to face, and he basically stared into my eyes and then he went through a list of basically every single insecurity I have and agreed with it. It was the coldest, most point blank "You are this and this and that and I would never want to be with you. I love Georgia and not you and think you are....etc, and more stuff that was worse but that I don't want to get into and it just went on and on while I sat there shell shocked, imprinting every single thing he said into my brain. And my subconscious is actually really good at mimicking him, the way he speaks and the way he uses language and how he moves and just how I imagine he would hold a conversation like that, it was just fucking realistic and awful.
I don't remember what happened after that. You'd think I would but I don't.
But the last part of the dream it all switched around and I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Is it more or less concerning that he is the spokesperson of all those deep dark insecurities and inferiority complexes (which I already knew really, I mean, I always care more what he says than someone else) or that in my dreams he confesses he's actually in love with me and he hadn't meant any of it? I don't even understand the dream but I think it was Twilight-esque in that he was trying to protect me and that even he hadn't meant for me to believe it that easily- but alas, like Bella, if you don't think you're good enough for someone, it's a lot easier to believe it.
But yeah, in the end he told me he was in love with me and again, I don't remember what happened after that (if anything.)
It's concerning, this dream fixation. I don't get it. Well maybe I do and I'm lying to myself. Maybe it's a warning that he inadvertently holds too much of my self esteem in his hands and I should work on getting it back.
He's certainly not doing it in purpose, its all just me personally but....
What can I do about it?
It's not that I don't want to get over him, I think I do, sure he's interesting and kinda awesome but we tried... it didn't work. Even if I got totally skinny and changed, that wouldn't affect our relationship. I'm not doing the weight thing for him.... but I have to get it out of my head as a motivation technique.
The dreaming is just odd because even when we weren't speaking, this didn't happen. Why now? I don't get it.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Motivation, sort of
73.5! I'm just gonna start each entry with my weight I think, at least for the weightloss/ fitness entries. I lost 400g over night, which is basically a pound. It means I'm on track this month, I want to get below 70 so I needed to lose 4kg this month. Which should be easy enough, I'm already trying to lose a kg a week and this is a 30 day month.
I think the fact that I lost .4kg is due to the fact that Shark Week (half week?) ended, and it was readjusting, plus the fact that I had a really good day yesterday. So I don't have the same expectations for tomorrows weigh in, but you never know, I will be pushing myself quite hard today and if I eat clean maybe I could lose the same again, which would be setting myself up for a really good week, which I need because I know I'm going to put on weight at Easter. Which is 4 days away.
In other news, my annoying best friend got involved with you-know-who and I again, which is irritating because I think forgetting about ever being in questionable circumstances with him is a really good idea. Certainly he gets grumpy when it gets brought up.
Sigh, I'm supposed to do my 30 day shred now but I can't be effed. Apart from swimming today, I haven't done anything. Maybe tomorrow I will do more. I will walk to Fairy Meadow from Uni and maybe walk home after, and definitely do my Shred, but today, my diet just fucked up, because I had early breakfast, late lunch then early dinner. Because I went like 7-8 hours between breakfast and lunch, I was starving and that's why my lunch and dinner didn't feel that good even though I ate a lot. Thankfully I didn't binge, but I feel close to it.
I'm getting a bit 'I miss chocolate, I want it,' but I just need to refocus on my goals, which is the scale, and my strength and will power and my tummy.
You know what, I am going to do my Shred now. Do I want to feel guilty or proud tomorrow? Proud. I want to wake up feeling like I did enough to deserve weight loss and if I stand on the scales and have a bad day, I don't want to have to blame that on myself- on being lazy. And if I do stand on the scales and lose an extra 100g or something, then I will grin like an idiot because I earned it.
My calories are 1050 for the day, that's about par. I try to stay around 1000. I know, 1200 is the limit/goal/ what I should aim for and I sort of do but I don't want to snack when I know it'll adversely affect my weight loss. Well maybe it won't but I'll feel guilty about it anyway. I need a bigger breakfast maybe, or a mid morning snack, so I feel full longer.
I do want to keep continuing on with the no food after dinner rule, not forever but for now. It kinda sucks, because I think about chocolate a lot but I'll feel bad if I have something now, like chocolate milk or something. Especially since I hang around so much on the weightloss tag on Tumblr. It's like, if you've been good, going on there is awesome and you feel good, but if you've binged or had a lazy day, it'll turn on the guilt.
But you know, it's still good. Either way, it's convincing you to be healthy and do the right thing and deter you from bad choices. I mean, I'm not saying it's perfect, I don't want to be shamed for having chocolate or an off day and that's not what it's about, moderation is the key to fitness, but at this point, I just want to go hard, and try to see some results. I don't see them yet, but Mum said she sees tiny differences so yay. My cousin too said I looked a bit more toned.
I mostly just want to get smaller. I feel so big. But I also want to get fitter. I want to not look so gross when sweaty but that's just an extra. But if I get fit, then I can do more without sweating. Though then I'll need to start working out harder... but when I'm just doing something for the sake of doing it, not to burn calories, it would be nice if I didn't turn into a shiny tomato face.
But there are small improvements there as well, I can see it with the 30 day shred, I am slightly better. I don't stop to catch my breath, I just power through it and feel the burn. I'm not saying I go 100 percent on every rep but I am getting closer. Those bicycle crunches... I get to 30 now, not 30 in a row, but like 18 good ones, then I knock out the rest with a mixture of flailing and grunting. Still, I'm happy with that improvement.
My motivation poster is so much better than I thought it would be. SOme of those quotes actually do motivate me. 'Go an extra mile' 'you are closer than yesterday' 'you are lapping the people on the couch' 'it does not matter how slow you go, just as long as you do not stop' 'you gotta fight for it' 'it doesn't matter what you write down, your body keeps perfect records' (for calorie counting) etc etc, they do work, and they do get me through those last 20 seconds of an exercise.
Anyway, it's 10 o clock, I don't know what this lifestyle is doing to me. I am tired early and awake at god awful hours like 6:30am. The heck is up with that? But I'm yawning now, so I will go upstairs, brush my teeth, do 75 sit ups, possibly a plank and then conk out.
Good plan? I think yes.
I think the fact that I lost .4kg is due to the fact that Shark Week (half week?) ended, and it was readjusting, plus the fact that I had a really good day yesterday. So I don't have the same expectations for tomorrows weigh in, but you never know, I will be pushing myself quite hard today and if I eat clean maybe I could lose the same again, which would be setting myself up for a really good week, which I need because I know I'm going to put on weight at Easter. Which is 4 days away.
In other news, my annoying best friend got involved with you-know-who and I again, which is irritating because I think forgetting about ever being in questionable circumstances with him is a really good idea. Certainly he gets grumpy when it gets brought up.
Sigh, I'm supposed to do my 30 day shred now but I can't be effed. Apart from swimming today, I haven't done anything. Maybe tomorrow I will do more. I will walk to Fairy Meadow from Uni and maybe walk home after, and definitely do my Shred, but today, my diet just fucked up, because I had early breakfast, late lunch then early dinner. Because I went like 7-8 hours between breakfast and lunch, I was starving and that's why my lunch and dinner didn't feel that good even though I ate a lot. Thankfully I didn't binge, but I feel close to it.
I'm getting a bit 'I miss chocolate, I want it,' but I just need to refocus on my goals, which is the scale, and my strength and will power and my tummy.
You know what, I am going to do my Shred now. Do I want to feel guilty or proud tomorrow? Proud. I want to wake up feeling like I did enough to deserve weight loss and if I stand on the scales and have a bad day, I don't want to have to blame that on myself- on being lazy. And if I do stand on the scales and lose an extra 100g or something, then I will grin like an idiot because I earned it.
My calories are 1050 for the day, that's about par. I try to stay around 1000. I know, 1200 is the limit/goal/ what I should aim for and I sort of do but I don't want to snack when I know it'll adversely affect my weight loss. Well maybe it won't but I'll feel guilty about it anyway. I need a bigger breakfast maybe, or a mid morning snack, so I feel full longer.
I do want to keep continuing on with the no food after dinner rule, not forever but for now. It kinda sucks, because I think about chocolate a lot but I'll feel bad if I have something now, like chocolate milk or something. Especially since I hang around so much on the weightloss tag on Tumblr. It's like, if you've been good, going on there is awesome and you feel good, but if you've binged or had a lazy day, it'll turn on the guilt.
But you know, it's still good. Either way, it's convincing you to be healthy and do the right thing and deter you from bad choices. I mean, I'm not saying it's perfect, I don't want to be shamed for having chocolate or an off day and that's not what it's about, moderation is the key to fitness, but at this point, I just want to go hard, and try to see some results. I don't see them yet, but Mum said she sees tiny differences so yay. My cousin too said I looked a bit more toned.
I mostly just want to get smaller. I feel so big. But I also want to get fitter. I want to not look so gross when sweaty but that's just an extra. But if I get fit, then I can do more without sweating. Though then I'll need to start working out harder... but when I'm just doing something for the sake of doing it, not to burn calories, it would be nice if I didn't turn into a shiny tomato face.
But there are small improvements there as well, I can see it with the 30 day shred, I am slightly better. I don't stop to catch my breath, I just power through it and feel the burn. I'm not saying I go 100 percent on every rep but I am getting closer. Those bicycle crunches... I get to 30 now, not 30 in a row, but like 18 good ones, then I knock out the rest with a mixture of flailing and grunting. Still, I'm happy with that improvement.
My motivation poster is so much better than I thought it would be. SOme of those quotes actually do motivate me. 'Go an extra mile' 'you are closer than yesterday' 'you are lapping the people on the couch' 'it does not matter how slow you go, just as long as you do not stop' 'you gotta fight for it' 'it doesn't matter what you write down, your body keeps perfect records' (for calorie counting) etc etc, they do work, and they do get me through those last 20 seconds of an exercise.
Anyway, it's 10 o clock, I don't know what this lifestyle is doing to me. I am tired early and awake at god awful hours like 6:30am. The heck is up with that? But I'm yawning now, so I will go upstairs, brush my teeth, do 75 sit ups, possibly a plank and then conk out.
Good plan? I think yes.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Gym it
73.9kg today :) That's good.
Did a shitload of exercise today. Two classes at gym, Body Pump which I love cos its not cardio and its weights and I get hot and sweaty but in a satisfying way, not an 'I'm going to die' way, which Body Attack makes me feel. And also I want to do weights because a) cross training is important and if I lose weight but don't tone, I'll look bad and b) I like feeling strong and the burn of lifting weights and not stopping for breaks in the middle makes me feel awesome, I just think '10 more, I can do that!' and then miraculously, there was only 6 or so to go so I didn't even need to do what I was psyched up for. I did it with pretty small weights (relatively) I was doing 3 times my best friend and some points. I varied between 2.5 on both sides (5kg all up) and 5 on both sides (10kg all up). Then after that, I did Body Combat for the first time. It was all punching and kicking and yelling 'HA!' and it was cardio but fun.
I'm only a part of the gym for a few more weeks, I'm trying to quit, but I've decided to make the most of it, with the next week a uni break, I can get a few classes in a week, including maybe Zumba. It'll spice up my workouts and my best friend and I can do it together. She's skinny already but that doesn't matter, it's still good to do. Only she doesn't like weights, which is silly cos weights are awesome and she thinks she's gonna get muscles.
Speaking of, I swear I have more arm muscle than before, woo. And by more than before I mean my muscle now exists. I had awesome upper body strength once and I'd like to get it back. Push ups will get me there, eventually.
I did my 30 day shred today. I nearly didn't but after not doing it yesterday I didn't want to make it a habit to be allowed to skip. It was difficult and i'm all sweaty now but it's worth it. I feel good. Like the motivational quote on my poster 'Do you want to feel guilty or proud tomorrow?'
Proud please! And hopefully this insane exercise day will show tomorrow and I will weight in at 73.6 kg. Fingers crossed. I don't know what to expect honestly.
If I get 50+ sit ups done tonight, I think I will be super proud of myself whatever the scales say. Also I'm gonna be trying a new method of increasing my push ups, doing 3 sets of half my max amount, so 7. Then increasing 1 set by 1, each day. Until eventually I'm doing three lots of 20.
My brother proved he could do 60 consecutive push ups tonight. I bet him 2 dollars he couldn't, but I consider that money well spent. It was good motivation and it was funny to watch my brother (who is getting guns) do it while I counted.
I think tomorrow I will go swimming, as well as do Body Pump, and then 30 Day Shred. As well as my push ups and Fab Ab Feb. I think I'm giving up Mad Abs March for now, I just don't know how to do side planks, my feet just slip. I don't get it. I have work tomorrow so I won't have a chance to do any running tomorrow sadly, unless I want to get up at like... 7:15. Which by the way, I don't.
But then I'm free for a few days after that (Easter) and will hopefully burn off some of what I know I'm going to be consuming.
Anyway, shower time now, then sit ups, then bed.
Good night blog xx
Did a shitload of exercise today. Two classes at gym, Body Pump which I love cos its not cardio and its weights and I get hot and sweaty but in a satisfying way, not an 'I'm going to die' way, which Body Attack makes me feel. And also I want to do weights because a) cross training is important and if I lose weight but don't tone, I'll look bad and b) I like feeling strong and the burn of lifting weights and not stopping for breaks in the middle makes me feel awesome, I just think '10 more, I can do that!' and then miraculously, there was only 6 or so to go so I didn't even need to do what I was psyched up for. I did it with pretty small weights (relatively) I was doing 3 times my best friend and some points. I varied between 2.5 on both sides (5kg all up) and 5 on both sides (10kg all up). Then after that, I did Body Combat for the first time. It was all punching and kicking and yelling 'HA!' and it was cardio but fun.
I'm only a part of the gym for a few more weeks, I'm trying to quit, but I've decided to make the most of it, with the next week a uni break, I can get a few classes in a week, including maybe Zumba. It'll spice up my workouts and my best friend and I can do it together. She's skinny already but that doesn't matter, it's still good to do. Only she doesn't like weights, which is silly cos weights are awesome and she thinks she's gonna get muscles.
Speaking of, I swear I have more arm muscle than before, woo. And by more than before I mean my muscle now exists. I had awesome upper body strength once and I'd like to get it back. Push ups will get me there, eventually.
I did my 30 day shred today. I nearly didn't but after not doing it yesterday I didn't want to make it a habit to be allowed to skip. It was difficult and i'm all sweaty now but it's worth it. I feel good. Like the motivational quote on my poster 'Do you want to feel guilty or proud tomorrow?'
Proud please! And hopefully this insane exercise day will show tomorrow and I will weight in at 73.6 kg. Fingers crossed. I don't know what to expect honestly.
If I get 50+ sit ups done tonight, I think I will be super proud of myself whatever the scales say. Also I'm gonna be trying a new method of increasing my push ups, doing 3 sets of half my max amount, so 7. Then increasing 1 set by 1, each day. Until eventually I'm doing three lots of 20.
My brother proved he could do 60 consecutive push ups tonight. I bet him 2 dollars he couldn't, but I consider that money well spent. It was good motivation and it was funny to watch my brother (who is getting guns) do it while I counted.
I think tomorrow I will go swimming, as well as do Body Pump, and then 30 Day Shred. As well as my push ups and Fab Ab Feb. I think I'm giving up Mad Abs March for now, I just don't know how to do side planks, my feet just slip. I don't get it. I have work tomorrow so I won't have a chance to do any running tomorrow sadly, unless I want to get up at like... 7:15. Which by the way, I don't.
But then I'm free for a few days after that (Easter) and will hopefully burn off some of what I know I'm going to be consuming.
Anyway, shower time now, then sit ups, then bed.
Good night blog xx
Monday, 2 April 2012
Week 2 Goals and Week One Update!
Yay, my weight is 74.2kg.
Which isn't exactly great, I was hoping for 74.0 but it's close :) And it's still that time of the month so it could well go down lower in the next few days.
I had a normal week, I started the 30 Day Shred which is awesome, I'm getting some exercise every day, I'm eating well.
My jogging has been a bit rocky, the start of the week I did it every day, but I haven't done it for 3 days now, I just can't find the motivation. I'm replacing it with other things but I'd like to get back to it.
Well, my goals for this week!
Weight: Get down to 73kg.
NSV: Take a new pic I'm happy with and make it my fb profile pic. By the end of this challenge, maybe have a pic that is actually of more than just my face. I gotta get more comfortable with myself in photos. Love thyself, or something. And that should be whatever my weight, not just if I'm skinny or fit.
Nutrition: Try to cook rice this week. Work out what's the healthiest rice.... I think it's brown.... and make a meal.
Fitness: Do 20 push ups (at one time) and also, be able to do all the bicycle crunches in the 30 day Shred Level 1 (5 days left!). And hopefully get to the point where I'm doing them properly, knee to elbow, not the flailing mess I become my the last few.
As for last weeks goals, just missed out on weight, my NSV did help remind me to be happy and proud of what I was doing, for nutrition...eep, I had a few chunks of chocolate, but in no way binging, and fitness, I have been doing what I said I would, and am now at 70 sit ups/ 1 minute plank/ 10-15 push ups.
And I'm starting Mad Abs March. So for the next 15 days, I'm doing Fab Ab February and Mad Abs March at the same time. I'm still on the look out for an Awesome Abs April.
Hope everyone is going well in their own journeys! Good luck to you all, you can do it!!
Which isn't exactly great, I was hoping for 74.0 but it's close :) And it's still that time of the month so it could well go down lower in the next few days.
I had a normal week, I started the 30 Day Shred which is awesome, I'm getting some exercise every day, I'm eating well.
My jogging has been a bit rocky, the start of the week I did it every day, but I haven't done it for 3 days now, I just can't find the motivation. I'm replacing it with other things but I'd like to get back to it.
Well, my goals for this week!
Weight: Get down to 73kg.
NSV: Take a new pic I'm happy with and make it my fb profile pic. By the end of this challenge, maybe have a pic that is actually of more than just my face. I gotta get more comfortable with myself in photos. Love thyself, or something. And that should be whatever my weight, not just if I'm skinny or fit.
Nutrition: Try to cook rice this week. Work out what's the healthiest rice.... I think it's brown.... and make a meal.
Fitness: Do 20 push ups (at one time) and also, be able to do all the bicycle crunches in the 30 day Shred Level 1 (5 days left!). And hopefully get to the point where I'm doing them properly, knee to elbow, not the flailing mess I become my the last few.
As for last weeks goals, just missed out on weight, my NSV did help remind me to be happy and proud of what I was doing, for nutrition...eep, I had a few chunks of chocolate, but in no way binging, and fitness, I have been doing what I said I would, and am now at 70 sit ups/ 1 minute plank/ 10-15 push ups.
And I'm starting Mad Abs March. So for the next 15 days, I'm doing Fab Ab February and Mad Abs March at the same time. I'm still on the look out for an Awesome Abs April.
Hope everyone is going well in their own journeys! Good luck to you all, you can do it!!
Sunday, 1 April 2012
April Goals and more.
April 1st! New month. First full month for me of this weightloss journey, looking forward to it :) I got Mad Abs March to look forward to this month (yay....) as well as the second half of Fab Ab February, since I started that when I started, which was 2 weeks ago.
I have to admit though, I've never really followed it right, I just do my own thing and increase it when I can. I mean, originally, I could do about Day 10, so I started there and have basically just been hanging out, getting slightly higher. I need to get better at pushups, my max is 15, and that's usually with a breather in the middle where I lift my bum up and give my abs a quick break. I mean, they're good pushups, on my toes and right down but I need to get to 25 in the next 2 weeks so I'll have to start adding 1 more pushup basically every day.
I also do 30 day Shred, day 5 today. I cheat in that I do girl push ups for that, on my knees. Actually, since I did 30DS twice yesterday, the first time I did the first 10 pushups for real, but after that I couldn't do the next 10, (cos in the first set there is 20)
But I do lots of crunches in the 30DS, and my goal by day 10 is to be able to do all the bicycle crunches at the end. It's only a minute but after 10 of those, I just fail. Right now I consider it an achievement if I can just keep my legs off the ground until Jillian says 'only 5 more!' and then like a turtle on my back, I flail and use my arms and momentum and anything I can to get the last couple out. It's a work in process!
I can do 65 sit ups now, which I do once or twice a day. I've made a weird habit of only doing it while listening to 'Sexy and I know it' Glee version. So I finish before the song does. Plus it has a fun beat and the whole 'I'm gonna get sexy and I know it' mindset, which is helpful because looking down at my tummy every sit up is quite discouraging.
I minute plank, I'd like to increase that to 70 seconds tonight, and maybe just adding 5 or 10 seconds more each night. I need to get to 2 minutes in the next 14 days. It'll be hard, I know. After 30 seconds, everything starts to shake.
Also can anyone tell me how you are supposed to do a plank? Is it on elbows or hands? Cos I started doing it on hands, then thought elbows would be harder/ better, but now I don't know.
TMI alert now, got my period yesterday, so put on 400g. Not through anything I did, just bloating or whatever I guess. I don't notice my period normally, I don't get cravings or whatever and I can't see any difference but the scales do apparently. But even after yesterday going out for lunch and dinner (I can't not go out just because I'm on a diet, that's stupid), and it was with my Dad who I never see, and my Mum's birthday dinner, out somewhere expensive. But instead of bacon and eggs or whatever at lunch, I had the scrummiest ham/cheese/tomato wraps. I don't know how many calories, I put it down as 500. Which isn't good but could have been so much worse and it was almost worth it :)
Then for dinner, I was so fucking starving because our reservation was for 8:30, then we didn't order til 9, no food until almost 10, I was dying. I was with all my aunty's and they were all drinking copiously and didn't notice that they should be hungry. But I was having lots of water but not much else. One piece of bread/toast. That I tried not to eat but eventually, during the hour of waiting, I demolished tiny piece by tiny piece.
Dinner was scrummy, it was steak with a few slices of potato and other interesting things. Then I added salad, greens and *cough* some fried mushrooms. But I'd never had them before and I've never really had mushrooms so it was yummy to try. I stayed away from the wedges.
So overall, I think I did okay with going out. No alcohol, no dessert, and I got a bunch of compliments. True, I was out with family so I always get those, but it doesn't make it less nice to hear! Nothing about weight, but that's just starting so obviously there isn't a noticeable change. Even I can't see anything yet, but I got a few 'beautiful's, 'very pretty' and 'that dress really suits you'. God Bless the Aunty's of the world for what they do for self esteem.
Today I weighed in at 74.5, still a bit disappointing about the gain yesterday but that's most of it gone. I don't know how the period weight thing works, if I'm still bloated or what not, but we'll see. Also, this is a really good opportunity for me to actually record my period because seriously, my period is the biggest non event, I've never ever, not once, calculated how long between my periods. I've never cared enough, but I know you are supposed to because then you know if you're regular or not and if something ever goes wrong, then you can see a difference. I could go two months in between and not have a clue. That's how little attention I pay. You'd assume if I was having sex, I'd want to know as well, to be able to make sure I wasn't preggers.
So yeah, anyway, that's my life.
Oh wait, April Goals!
Get into the 60kg's.
Run.
Learn some new meals, learn how to make oatmeal and smoothies.
FIND OUT ABOUT ZUMBA. I love Zumba and my friend and I did it last year, she still does but it moved and I don't know where it is now, she's told me but I'm not sure... but I defs want to!
Get abs! I know they'll be hidden under fat for longer than just April but even if I can't see them, I want to be able to feel them, when I do crunches. I don't need to aesthetics just yet but I want to feel stronger.
I have to admit though, I've never really followed it right, I just do my own thing and increase it when I can. I mean, originally, I could do about Day 10, so I started there and have basically just been hanging out, getting slightly higher. I need to get better at pushups, my max is 15, and that's usually with a breather in the middle where I lift my bum up and give my abs a quick break. I mean, they're good pushups, on my toes and right down but I need to get to 25 in the next 2 weeks so I'll have to start adding 1 more pushup basically every day.
I also do 30 day Shred, day 5 today. I cheat in that I do girl push ups for that, on my knees. Actually, since I did 30DS twice yesterday, the first time I did the first 10 pushups for real, but after that I couldn't do the next 10, (cos in the first set there is 20)
But I do lots of crunches in the 30DS, and my goal by day 10 is to be able to do all the bicycle crunches at the end. It's only a minute but after 10 of those, I just fail. Right now I consider it an achievement if I can just keep my legs off the ground until Jillian says 'only 5 more!' and then like a turtle on my back, I flail and use my arms and momentum and anything I can to get the last couple out. It's a work in process!
I can do 65 sit ups now, which I do once or twice a day. I've made a weird habit of only doing it while listening to 'Sexy and I know it' Glee version. So I finish before the song does. Plus it has a fun beat and the whole 'I'm gonna get sexy and I know it' mindset, which is helpful because looking down at my tummy every sit up is quite discouraging.
I minute plank, I'd like to increase that to 70 seconds tonight, and maybe just adding 5 or 10 seconds more each night. I need to get to 2 minutes in the next 14 days. It'll be hard, I know. After 30 seconds, everything starts to shake.
Also can anyone tell me how you are supposed to do a plank? Is it on elbows or hands? Cos I started doing it on hands, then thought elbows would be harder/ better, but now I don't know.
TMI alert now, got my period yesterday, so put on 400g. Not through anything I did, just bloating or whatever I guess. I don't notice my period normally, I don't get cravings or whatever and I can't see any difference but the scales do apparently. But even after yesterday going out for lunch and dinner (I can't not go out just because I'm on a diet, that's stupid), and it was with my Dad who I never see, and my Mum's birthday dinner, out somewhere expensive. But instead of bacon and eggs or whatever at lunch, I had the scrummiest ham/cheese/tomato wraps. I don't know how many calories, I put it down as 500. Which isn't good but could have been so much worse and it was almost worth it :)
Then for dinner, I was so fucking starving because our reservation was for 8:30, then we didn't order til 9, no food until almost 10, I was dying. I was with all my aunty's and they were all drinking copiously and didn't notice that they should be hungry. But I was having lots of water but not much else. One piece of bread/toast. That I tried not to eat but eventually, during the hour of waiting, I demolished tiny piece by tiny piece.
Dinner was scrummy, it was steak with a few slices of potato and other interesting things. Then I added salad, greens and *cough* some fried mushrooms. But I'd never had them before and I've never really had mushrooms so it was yummy to try. I stayed away from the wedges.
So overall, I think I did okay with going out. No alcohol, no dessert, and I got a bunch of compliments. True, I was out with family so I always get those, but it doesn't make it less nice to hear! Nothing about weight, but that's just starting so obviously there isn't a noticeable change. Even I can't see anything yet, but I got a few 'beautiful's, 'very pretty' and 'that dress really suits you'. God Bless the Aunty's of the world for what they do for self esteem.
Today I weighed in at 74.5, still a bit disappointing about the gain yesterday but that's most of it gone. I don't know how the period weight thing works, if I'm still bloated or what not, but we'll see. Also, this is a really good opportunity for me to actually record my period because seriously, my period is the biggest non event, I've never ever, not once, calculated how long between my periods. I've never cared enough, but I know you are supposed to because then you know if you're regular or not and if something ever goes wrong, then you can see a difference. I could go two months in between and not have a clue. That's how little attention I pay. You'd assume if I was having sex, I'd want to know as well, to be able to make sure I wasn't preggers.
So yeah, anyway, that's my life.
Oh wait, April Goals!
Get into the 60kg's.
Run.
Learn some new meals, learn how to make oatmeal and smoothies.
FIND OUT ABOUT ZUMBA. I love Zumba and my friend and I did it last year, she still does but it moved and I don't know where it is now, she's told me but I'm not sure... but I defs want to!
Get abs! I know they'll be hidden under fat for longer than just April but even if I can't see them, I want to be able to feel them, when I do crunches. I don't need to aesthetics just yet but I want to feel stronger.
Friday, 30 March 2012
weigh in
Yesterday was actually very pessimistic of me. I'm much calmer and happier now. The scales said 74.6. That makes me sure that they were actually around 78/79kg mark, and that I've actually lost something quite substantial... well, relatively. I want to get to 60, so I sure have a lot of weeks/ months to go, and then you know, lifestyle, but this is the hard part, the actual weight loss. Once I lose it, and just breaking even will be enough, I will be able to be less strict because obviously I can add 1000 calories a day to my diet without moving up again.
I can do this, and I will. Tomorrow I will look on the scales (if mum didn't break them today fiddling with all the buttons -.-") and hopefully I've gone down again, just a bit. 200 grams fingers crossed :)
I mean, I've done some hard yakka today. Not really, but I did some walking and the 30 day shred level 1, so I'm about on par for my day. I'm hungry actually, I really want chocolate. God, I really want it. Can I justify it? I don't know.
----
I did justify it. I'm not guilty. I took 4 pieces of white chocolate and enjoyed every tiny piece. It was 25 grams and it was delicious. It was about 130 calories so it's honestly not a huge deal, I had the extra and I'd done a lot of exercise. I'm sorry it means I broke my nutrition goal for the week and that I broke my 'no eating after 9 o clock but I'm happier that I was able to eat in moderation, rather than half a block and there was no repercussions. I lost the 200 grams :) 74.4kg now.
For the Ready For Summer goal, I said I would lose 1kg this week (and every week), so I need to lose .4 more by Sunday morning, which is when I will have my offical weigh in. I mean, I'm sure I've already lost a kg this week, but I need to be able to record the kg, therefore I have to be 74 or under, because week one stats says 75.
---
In other news, saw you-know-who yesterday. He and his girlfriend were nearly heading for Splitsville (again) but it looks like they've patched it up. At least, he seemed to indicate that by not mentioning anything in particular happening of interest, and you'd think he'd mention it.
I saw his gf today, just walking. Since we live pretty close (or at least she works pretty close and I assume she doesn't live that far from there since she walks) and I walk everywhere, and generally past her work and in that general direction plus being a bus regular, I see her often enough. And by that I mean way too much. I always worry we're gonna both be walking and run into each other. Thankfully, that's never happened yet and the only time I've actually seen her and had to say hi was last year, when she didn't know anything and he and I probably hadn't done anything. And I remember telling him I'd seen her and him replying 'yeah, she mentioned it.' So.... yeah. I don't want to be running into her, its just annoying and makes me think of things I don't want to think about.
My feelings for you-know-who are too uncomfortable right now.
The near breakup did make me think though, as those types of things always do, about my reaction to it and what I would think if it actually happened.
I have mixed feelings obviously, but mostly just want him to be happy and after all the drama, someone should end up with him and be happy. It'd be way past ironic if neither of us got him and then he ended up with some random new girl. For continuities sake, let's call her Nicole. (I swear, if he ever does make friends with someone called Nicole, I'm going to hate her guts lol).
I'd actually be way more conflicted about him if he was single. What if that meant I could get with him? What if I shouldn't? What if he could and didn't want to? Etc etc, it would create drama because I can't be with him, now or ever, I can't. So it's best not to have options.
PS Making this the 4th time this week I've dreamed about him. He was actually cheating on Georgia with another girl (mostly a random pick from my subconscious) but he treated the girl badly or something, I don't remember and I went to confront him. I can't remember if I was defending the girl or if I was pissed at the girl for taking my spot (even though I'd given it up). It was really weird.
I can do this, and I will. Tomorrow I will look on the scales (if mum didn't break them today fiddling with all the buttons -.-") and hopefully I've gone down again, just a bit. 200 grams fingers crossed :)
I mean, I've done some hard yakka today. Not really, but I did some walking and the 30 day shred level 1, so I'm about on par for my day. I'm hungry actually, I really want chocolate. God, I really want it. Can I justify it? I don't know.
----
I did justify it. I'm not guilty. I took 4 pieces of white chocolate and enjoyed every tiny piece. It was 25 grams and it was delicious. It was about 130 calories so it's honestly not a huge deal, I had the extra and I'd done a lot of exercise. I'm sorry it means I broke my nutrition goal for the week and that I broke my 'no eating after 9 o clock but I'm happier that I was able to eat in moderation, rather than half a block and there was no repercussions. I lost the 200 grams :) 74.4kg now.
For the Ready For Summer goal, I said I would lose 1kg this week (and every week), so I need to lose .4 more by Sunday morning, which is when I will have my offical weigh in. I mean, I'm sure I've already lost a kg this week, but I need to be able to record the kg, therefore I have to be 74 or under, because week one stats says 75.
---
In other news, saw you-know-who yesterday. He and his girlfriend were nearly heading for Splitsville (again) but it looks like they've patched it up. At least, he seemed to indicate that by not mentioning anything in particular happening of interest, and you'd think he'd mention it.
I saw his gf today, just walking. Since we live pretty close (or at least she works pretty close and I assume she doesn't live that far from there since she walks) and I walk everywhere, and generally past her work and in that general direction plus being a bus regular, I see her often enough. And by that I mean way too much. I always worry we're gonna both be walking and run into each other. Thankfully, that's never happened yet and the only time I've actually seen her and had to say hi was last year, when she didn't know anything and he and I probably hadn't done anything. And I remember telling him I'd seen her and him replying 'yeah, she mentioned it.' So.... yeah. I don't want to be running into her, its just annoying and makes me think of things I don't want to think about.
My feelings for you-know-who are too uncomfortable right now.
The near breakup did make me think though, as those types of things always do, about my reaction to it and what I would think if it actually happened.
I have mixed feelings obviously, but mostly just want him to be happy and after all the drama, someone should end up with him and be happy. It'd be way past ironic if neither of us got him and then he ended up with some random new girl. For continuities sake, let's call her Nicole. (I swear, if he ever does make friends with someone called Nicole, I'm going to hate her guts lol).
I'd actually be way more conflicted about him if he was single. What if that meant I could get with him? What if I shouldn't? What if he could and didn't want to? Etc etc, it would create drama because I can't be with him, now or ever, I can't. So it's best not to have options.
PS Making this the 4th time this week I've dreamed about him. He was actually cheating on Georgia with another girl (mostly a random pick from my subconscious) but he treated the girl badly or something, I don't remember and I went to confront him. I can't remember if I was defending the girl or if I was pissed at the girl for taking my spot (even though I'd given it up). It was really weird.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Fears and things.
Okay! So it's Wednesday night, midweek :) It is so good having no Uni or Work on Wednesday. I have all day to myself. Well mostly, Dad asked me to wire him 40 bucks for petrol -.-" so I had to walk down to the bank and do that. On the plus side, I'd never done it before, so new life skill acquired, and also it was a walk so you know...exercise.
I've been going well with the diet/ fitness. Counted calories the last 5 days. My workouts have been pretty bad today and yesterday but it's just a funk, along with really hurting feet and rain. I still tried to do something, I just didn't get my 10/12 laps.
Diet is good... I was a little concerned, compared to the weekend where my net was 200/400, on Monday/Tuesday it was much higher, 800/1000. I mean, it's still under 1200 and god, it better be, I'm not eating anything wrong. I'm not cutting out bread, and this is barely snacking. I'm not saying I need to snack, but if this is how many I'm consuming while being conscientious, god knows how many I was doing before and how I'm going to be keeping it under when I add in chocolate now and then, or a pizza or something, sheesh.
It mostly just scares me cos I certainly wasn't thinking like that last month, and I used to eat a whole pizza at dinner on Friday nights sometimes. That's a binge and a half. But whatever, I can't help that now, all I know is that now I have stopped that unhealthy behaviour and am now correcting it, as best I can.
Actually, I made major progress in that I bought scales today, both for weighing myself and kitchen scales, for my food.
I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm scared to, because I don't know what it'll say. I might as well just be honest, I don't know what I weight and I'm scared it'll be really high 70's. When I got on the scales a few weeks ago, I hopped off so quick I don't know what number I saw. I have been putting 75 on all my weightloss things, but what id that number was 79? So if after everything so far, it says 77 (or god forbid, higher), then I'm so fucked and since I was already overwhelmed with everything I have to lose, if nothing I have done so far even puts me and the beginning weight of what I said I was (which is bad enough), then I'll hate it.
Honestly, if it's over 74, I'm going to be upset.
But I'm waiting until morning, when I'll be at my lightest, and then face the music.
And at least in the future, I'll be able to keep track. That's worth something.
I've been going well with the diet/ fitness. Counted calories the last 5 days. My workouts have been pretty bad today and yesterday but it's just a funk, along with really hurting feet and rain. I still tried to do something, I just didn't get my 10/12 laps.
Diet is good... I was a little concerned, compared to the weekend where my net was 200/400, on Monday/Tuesday it was much higher, 800/1000. I mean, it's still under 1200 and god, it better be, I'm not eating anything wrong. I'm not cutting out bread, and this is barely snacking. I'm not saying I need to snack, but if this is how many I'm consuming while being conscientious, god knows how many I was doing before and how I'm going to be keeping it under when I add in chocolate now and then, or a pizza or something, sheesh.
It mostly just scares me cos I certainly wasn't thinking like that last month, and I used to eat a whole pizza at dinner on Friday nights sometimes. That's a binge and a half. But whatever, I can't help that now, all I know is that now I have stopped that unhealthy behaviour and am now correcting it, as best I can.
Actually, I made major progress in that I bought scales today, both for weighing myself and kitchen scales, for my food.
I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm scared to, because I don't know what it'll say. I might as well just be honest, I don't know what I weight and I'm scared it'll be really high 70's. When I got on the scales a few weeks ago, I hopped off so quick I don't know what number I saw. I have been putting 75 on all my weightloss things, but what id that number was 79? So if after everything so far, it says 77 (or god forbid, higher), then I'm so fucked and since I was already overwhelmed with everything I have to lose, if nothing I have done so far even puts me and the beginning weight of what I said I was (which is bad enough), then I'll hate it.
Honestly, if it's over 74, I'm going to be upset.
But I'm waiting until morning, when I'll be at my lightest, and then face the music.
And at least in the future, I'll be able to keep track. That's worth something.
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