So I got high. Like, I'm high right now. Rightttttt nowwwww.
You know how some famous authors are like, I always wrote drunk, its part of the genius and some people say it makes you better. If its anything like being high, and obviously I should be able to compare them now and NO it's not but anyway, both still are the same in this way-- I can't imagine anyone anything other than sober writing something profound.
this is so hard!
fuck me all i want is to record this,
i feel so half and half, both fuzzy and focused and robotic and also loose. Like, i feel so controlled, like I control every inch of my body and can feel it all. It's worrying because I then have to position it all seperately, like my toes and my neck, but also my fingers are like moving perfectly smoothly over the keyboard. Though theyre failing at their job because they keep missing the right letter and sometimes they just stop like they get tired or are on strike.
And I feel so stupid, like I know Im being awful but I cant be anything else. Like when Bella becomes a vampire and she's under morphine and she is aware of it all but can't scream or tell anyone that she's in pain.
But its not that I'm in pain beyond the fact in a room with a bunch of people who will judge me for moving and touching and I have to restrain it and it's so powerful. I've never felt so tactile and everything feels sensual as anything, like all I want is to lie down and close my eyes and just feel everything
sorry i cant concentrate for long, i feel like im on skins
Everything is like floaty but heavy. Like being in side a suit of armor. Like I'm pooh bear tied to balllons so I can float up the honey tree but instead tree roots are creeping up my ankles like devils snare.
I'm scared that my eyes are so red in the mirror and my teeth feel like i want to crunch them. Like they're fragile.
But my mouth feels so dry, like my tongue is parched and my gums and my throat is like a desert. I just want to drink and I'm so scared I'll drink too much water and die.
_____
Well, that was my evening. I wanted to write more, I had like a million more things that I wanted to say, but unfortunately that didn't happen. As much as I wanted to spend my evening borrowing a laptop so I could keep recording my experience, it was genuinely difficult to write.
For context, in kind of a spur of the moment plan, my bffl and I made brownies with an extra kick and with her boyfriend and a few of his mates, we got high and watched South Park.
It was my first time and while I've been open to the idea for a year or so, I was still quite guilty about it. Not morally guilty, guilty because it's against the law and I'm a goody two shoes at heart.
But it was lots of fun, even if I wouldn't do it again in a situation like that. I think it could be better if you were just with one person, or alone, and you could just be high non judgementally and explore all the ways being high is awesome, but I felt quite self conscious. Unlike being drunk, which takes all that away, I felt frustrated with everyone for acting like idiots, even though I understood it, and I couldn't relax enough to just feel everything.
Also, I stand by my earlier opinion that it's a gateway drug. Everyone tried to tell me that it's not, and maybe it's not in that you can't get addicted (easily), but I remember standing in the bathroom thinking, 'gosh, if this is what marijuana is like, what about LSD? Ecstasy? Why doesn't everyone want to feel like this all the time?'
Even then, I knew that was a terrible thought. But like, the sensory overload and the not so much 'tripping', but just everything is slightly out of reality, the 'I can hear colours' or whatever the cliche is, was very cool.
Not that I'm going to do it again, any time soon. While I try not to judge people, the kind of people who smoke and do drugs is never going to be my crowd and it's never going to be the kind of person I want to be. I've tried it now, and I'm glad I did, but it's not me and to be honest, I enjoyed it too much for my liking and drug addiction isn't on my list of life goals, so don't expect to see much more about recreational drug use here.
You know how some famous authors are like, I always wrote drunk, its part of the genius and some people say it makes you better. If its anything like being high, and obviously I should be able to compare them now and NO it's not but anyway, both still are the same in this way-- I can't imagine anyone anything other than sober writing something profound.
this is so hard!
fuck me all i want is to record this,
i feel so half and half, both fuzzy and focused and robotic and also loose. Like, i feel so controlled, like I control every inch of my body and can feel it all. It's worrying because I then have to position it all seperately, like my toes and my neck, but also my fingers are like moving perfectly smoothly over the keyboard. Though theyre failing at their job because they keep missing the right letter and sometimes they just stop like they get tired or are on strike.
And I feel so stupid, like I know Im being awful but I cant be anything else. Like when Bella becomes a vampire and she's under morphine and she is aware of it all but can't scream or tell anyone that she's in pain.
But its not that I'm in pain beyond the fact in a room with a bunch of people who will judge me for moving and touching and I have to restrain it and it's so powerful. I've never felt so tactile and everything feels sensual as anything, like all I want is to lie down and close my eyes and just feel everything
sorry i cant concentrate for long, i feel like im on skins
Everything is like floaty but heavy. Like being in side a suit of armor. Like I'm pooh bear tied to balllons so I can float up the honey tree but instead tree roots are creeping up my ankles like devils snare.
I'm scared that my eyes are so red in the mirror and my teeth feel like i want to crunch them. Like they're fragile.
But my mouth feels so dry, like my tongue is parched and my gums and my throat is like a desert. I just want to drink and I'm so scared I'll drink too much water and die.
_____
Well, that was my evening. I wanted to write more, I had like a million more things that I wanted to say, but unfortunately that didn't happen. As much as I wanted to spend my evening borrowing a laptop so I could keep recording my experience, it was genuinely difficult to write.
For context, in kind of a spur of the moment plan, my bffl and I made brownies with an extra kick and with her boyfriend and a few of his mates, we got high and watched South Park.
It was my first time and while I've been open to the idea for a year or so, I was still quite guilty about it. Not morally guilty, guilty because it's against the law and I'm a goody two shoes at heart.
But it was lots of fun, even if I wouldn't do it again in a situation like that. I think it could be better if you were just with one person, or alone, and you could just be high non judgementally and explore all the ways being high is awesome, but I felt quite self conscious. Unlike being drunk, which takes all that away, I felt frustrated with everyone for acting like idiots, even though I understood it, and I couldn't relax enough to just feel everything.
Also, I stand by my earlier opinion that it's a gateway drug. Everyone tried to tell me that it's not, and maybe it's not in that you can't get addicted (easily), but I remember standing in the bathroom thinking, 'gosh, if this is what marijuana is like, what about LSD? Ecstasy? Why doesn't everyone want to feel like this all the time?'
Even then, I knew that was a terrible thought. But like, the sensory overload and the not so much 'tripping', but just everything is slightly out of reality, the 'I can hear colours' or whatever the cliche is, was very cool.
Not that I'm going to do it again, any time soon. While I try not to judge people, the kind of people who smoke and do drugs is never going to be my crowd and it's never going to be the kind of person I want to be. I've tried it now, and I'm glad I did, but it's not me and to be honest, I enjoyed it too much for my liking and drug addiction isn't on my list of life goals, so don't expect to see much more about recreational drug use here.
I dunno why, but even though you said you enjoyed it, your experience was kinda frightening to read. Maybe it's cos of the siege, and I'm just paranoid in general right now, but after reading that, I honestly cannot see myself ever accepting the offer to try weed in any form.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I'm not curious about that kind of shit :P
Well I'd rather influence people out of drugs than into them, I suppose. Though I would say that my account of things is quite flawed, purely because I had a million things to say but I only expressed a few before I gave up and stopped writing. Though that is of course telling in itself...
ReplyDeleteI mean, weed is still an illegal drug, and while studies are very contradictory as to how harmful it is, and if it is harmful in the first place, there are serious issues to consider and enough legitimate reasons to not do it, if you don't really want to. I mean, I don't really believe in peer pressure, if you don't want to do something, you never have to, so don't worry :)
I'm definitely not worried about doing it myself, or any of my friends making me do it. I'm glad to have the friends I do for that very reason: not a single one of them would *ever* pressure me to do anything I didn't want to do. It was just scary to imagine your experience happening to me, that's all.
ReplyDelete