I've been reading Elliot Rodger's 140 page manifesto/life story whatever. I'm studying psych and yeah, I'll admit it, psychopaths fascinate me. I'm a writer too, and it's a thrill to get inside the head of someone monumentally fucked up.

It's disturbing but one of the things that I think needs to be absolutely stressed- and is in strict opposition to all the men commenting on articles and reports on his murders, that he's mentally ill and therefore cannot be linked to 'real men', or 'the rest of men'.

See, his story doesn't read like that. To be honest, it reads just like some other people I've known. Lonely kid, shy, socially awkward, physically weak/ unattractive, separates people into 'cool' and 'uncool', and believes that cool kids are by nature, mean and unfriendly.

Like, I can even identify with some of that, any kid that has felt excluded or bullied can.

But this kid is also kind of an asshole, not that he realises. He's envious of his 'friends' and has delusions of grandeur, every person he dislikes is his 'mortal enemy' etc etc. He isn't happy when his friends succeed, he's just jealous. He's a really ecocentric little shit actually, he really thinks the world revolves around him.

He thinks he's more intelligent than anyone else anyway so he isn't interested in making friends, and all the friends he used to try to make by just acting like the 'cool' kids of each group just meant that he was always only kind of part of each group. Then once he stops thinking about his social life, it drops off totally, he's complaining endlessly about this but does nothing about it, just keeps gaming and saying he's super lonely.

He's in his teens by this point, believes all this BS about sex, he blows up tiny interactions with girls into these huge emotional life scars, and then calls the girl an evil bitch, and runs away. He made his parents send him to an all boys school, then when that didn't work, a public school, then an independent half homeschooling deal, so he had no friends and all day to play WoW.

It just pisses me off so badly. You aren't entitled to sex just for existing. It's just not how it works. You aren't entitled to relationships either. And his whole attitude-- the fact that people are passing this off as an isolated incident are delusional. You know where this kid got his support and his ideas (apart from just the whole world in general?) Places like Reddit and PUA sites and all that other BS.

Like, I look at that stuff for a laugh sometimes. Like porn, it's like 50% fascinating and 50% horrifying. After events like this, it's much more horrifying than fascinating. Facts are that most people that lurk on those sites are misogynistic, fedeora wearing, douchebags who refer to women as 'females' and pretend they are a different species who's thoughts and desires are really not equal to that of the dude trying to pick her up.

Okay, here's the bit where men start to comment 'NOT ALL MEN'.

No, not all men. Just too fucking many. I just checked out Reddit, interested to see if any of them were self aware enough to connect what they were doing on the page to the shooting. No go, but I saw a link "How to deal with 'Alpha' and 'forward' girls? Always feel like I'm being looked down on"

It's just bullshit. Like, the whole point of pick up is to make men into 'alphas' or whatever, and to be more forward, but these traits they admire and struggle to obtain, they can't deal with in women? Oh God, and the comments. So, PUA have this theory, I can't remember what it's called, but the idea that there is so many women out there, there' always more fish in the sea, you don't get caught up with one. Which isn't a bad idea, and the people who behave according to that, fine. But these comments were so hypocritical, saying that you shouldn't go for forward girls because if they are propositioning you like that, they don't see you as an individual, they'd go for anyone, they don't respect themselves etc etc. It's just bullshit.

Seriously, quoted. "Forward girls present a HUGE red flag for me. You can assume that you're not special, and therefore they do this shit with lots of other guys, take that for what its worth. Further, there is ZERO chance for anything more than a meaningless fuck, because they won't think they deserve it, and if thats your thing, then have it, but personally I have no respect for a girl who lowers her draw bridge and invites me in without question. You have to ask yourself how much self worth a girl like that has, and how much that's worth to you."

Here's a quote of my own. If you think of a girl as dirty after you touch her, maybe you should have a look at your own fucking hands.

Just like the fucking shooter did, blaming girls for choosing to have sex with who they want, especially when it isn't you and come on, if you are on Reddit, it most likely is not you. All those you tube comments, that some girl should have just pity fucked him, and all them comments that said 'this is what happens when you friendzone someone', they. are. threats. They are saying, fuck us when we tell you to or we might murder you. This is not a joke, it cannot be taken lightly.

Misogyny kills, that's just a goddamn fact and we get more and more evidence every day.

You know why I hate 'nice guys'? Guys who think being a 'gentlement'= sex? Guys who hate women? Guys who are envious of other guys who can pick up and they can't? Guys who use forums like Reddit and try to consider themselves PUA's and all that shit.

It's not just a funny thing. It's not just a meme or this pathetic thing, it's literally deadly. Girls are fucking killed over shit like this. The girl who was stabbed and murdered because she turned down a guy for Prom last month? This latest fucking 6 people murder by Elliot Rodger? I just got home from a night out, where my friends who are in a relationship were seen giving each other a peck and rough pushed to kiss again, for the entertainment of this ugly creep, until one of them was so upset she was crying on the way home and she isn't a crier. Where I was roughly made to dance with this guy 3 separate times, and each time I pulled away and moved back to my friends, he and his mates would put his arm around me and pull me away again, putting his hands on my arse. And the other guys who surrounded me and grinded so hard I stumbled. Or the guy who literally picked my friend off the ground when she was wearing a short skirt. Or the guy would called my friend a fucking cunt because she was dancing enthusiastically and accidently elbowed him. They literally got so violent that they ended up on the floor brawling with a bouncer because they couldn't take no for an answer.

This was an average night out. It was a fun night out even. But violence against women, and the utter disregard of what women want and their boundaries are utterly disregarded, it's so common place.

My friends and I teach each other how to deal with it and protect and look out for each other. If someone goes missing for more than 5 minutes, we search for them. If someone is dancing with someone and not looking comfortable, we pull them away, or if someone is creeping, we tell them to fuck off. We are CONSTANTLY on our guard, because we have to be. We have to learn that, we go out knowing that we have to look out for each other, that we have to be wary of guys that approach, and then fucktards blame us for being bitches or being unapproachable or not giving them a chance because of course they  are nice guys and just looking for a good time and respect women but fuck that, that isn't a chance we can take most of the time. In the wise words of Louis C.K, women are literally insane for going on dates with guys and all that shit. Men are the most dangerous thing out there for women.

In spite of this, I had a really good time out tonight (isn't that fucked, that despite all that I can have a good time, because its all just expected?).

Sorry if I repeat myself a bit but its been a long night and I'm far from sober. (Still as eloquent as ever though).

Edit: Okay I have to talk about the Elliot Rodger thing. WHAT A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. But this can't be written off as just mental illness. IT. IS. A. HATE. CRIME. AGAINST. WOMEN.

It's not the first time. I can't remember right now which other major mass shootings in America in recent times were against women but one of the university ones was, even though the media didn't report it that way...

Like, if it was a black guy or a brown guy or a Middle Eastern guy or a latino guy, this wouldn't be called mental illness. There wouldn't be men commenting 'i feel for him, rejection is hell'.

Literally what the fuck. What. the. fuck. Men's- especially white mens- entitlement to sex and love and relationships, is terrifying. Mass murders, you know what the fucking common factor is, it's entitled white men, why the fuck don't people see that?

AND CAN AMERICA PLEASE CHANGE THEIR STUPID FUCKING GUN LAWS? RIGHT TO BARE ARMS? WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING RIGHT TO NOT BE GUNNED DOWN IN THE FUCKING STREETS?

I'm kind of stressed and sad lately.

I have this group of friends and I'm closer to them than I saw before, but they aren't the same as my group of friends at home. I think I'm just less compatible with these guys? Like, I know they are funny and lovely and kind, but there is a bit of a disconnect between them and I.

I think it's my fault but at the same time, I found my spiritual soul mates already, with my bffl and Megan and all that at home, and Jen here, but I feel like maybe that's because we grew up together, we just grew towards each other and my friends here, even if we have similar likes and hobbies and there are awesome, we just are still... awkward.

I remember my birthday and I hung out with three of my besties, and it was just the most comfortable thing. Like, my friends at home think I'm funny, at least as far as that we make each other laugh, and I feel so compatible with all of them. I feel like I am 100% myself and I just... like it.

Here I feel like I'm a little bit alone. I remember the thing I missed originally was friends I could hug and I'm a pretty tactile person, I hate being touch deprived. Now I can hug my friends, occasionally, and they are pretty touchy with each other, even if they haven't developed that affectionate relationship with me (not their fault).

Right now I am hanging out with their kitchen, they are cooking Dutch pancakes for us all, and the others are just lying on the couches and we're singing along to music and it's nice, I do like it, I just with I had Megan or Chelsea or Mia here, I just do. Hopefully next semester I will have a friend here with me, and that'll take away that sensation of feeling a bit out.

Since I have a huge exam tomorrow I'm supposed to be studying for, I figured, hey, perfect time to update my blog!

I'm listening to Demi Lovato and I really love her, and love her music more and more every day. I'm past my days of listening to pop as a guilty pleasure. Bubblegum pop, radio pop, pop rock, it's my lifeblood. To quote the song I'm listening to: I really don't care!

It's so fun. Jen and I are always saying 'I just feel like I was supposed to have a good voice' so we could actually sing without making other peoples ears bleed. Of course, we do it anyway but how sweet would it be to be able to perform lyrics that really affect you emotionally in front of other people? I mean, I do it through just recording myself on my phone when I feel pretty and I'm in a good mood, and tell myself that one day I'll send it to whomever I'm singing about, whether it's my Mum or my best friend or whomever.

I can't believe I ever stayed up writin' songs about you,
You don't deserve to know the way I used to think about you.
Oh no, not any more
Oh no, not any more
You had your shot, had your shot, but you let go.

Now if we meet up on the street I won't be runnin' scared,
I'll walk right up to you, and put one finger in the air!

In other news, I deleted You-Know-Who from facebook. It doesn't sound like much, but it totally was. I can't even remember what sparked it, something Jen said probably, but I finally said fuck it and unfriended him. I didn't think it needed fanfare or an explanation. Last time I did it, in 2011, I freaked so hard I wrote this, and I still love it, I remember writing it and how I felt, but I just don't at all anymore. Sure, I think of him when I sing Demi Lovato, but that's cos I don't have anyone else... I don't want to be his friend or involved in his life anymore. And it's not the bullshit I used to tell myself, when I didn't speak to him, but wrote novellas about us meeting again in the future, sometimes a year in the future, sometimes 10 years when we were divorced and living on the other side of the country. 


Now... it's legit. He can move to Canada and get married and do whatever he wants, and short of him dying in a freak accident, I can't really imagine anything that would make me want to feel that way about him again. The world is big enough for both of us never to talk again really. And if not that far, it's definitely big enough for us not to be friends.

I don't hate him or whatever, I just don't care? I don't want to be friends because he isn't as fun as he was in high school, or as interesting. He's not into the things I'm into, and we disagree on so many fundamentals. Our politics are opposites, he's too far right for me, and he is kind of obnoxious and dumb when it comes to my feels. There are so many interesting people in the world. So many girls I want to date, so many boys I wanna get my groove on with. So much I want to do, and see. So many plans.

Most boring post ever

When it comes to shipping, I am the absolute, most predictable person in the world.

Every time I enter a new fandom, I find the exact same relationships and I ship them until forever.

Same with favourite characters. Female characters that get a lot of hate is like, my number one thing. Cercei in Game of Thrones, I was on that in like 2 seconds. She is the one. Does she murder people? Fuck yeah she does, but am I going to excuse that for the fact that she was treated terribly her whole life, abused by her husband the King, who she was married off to, the only loving relationship she has is that with her twin brother, her son turned out to be a psychopath, her younger brother was the cause of her mothers death in childbirth when she was eight, a fortune teller told her that her brother would eventually take all her happiness and turn in to dust and just in general she is a sad, sad person who has nothing in her life to live for and be happy about bar her children and Jaime, and now she has lost those as well, so yeah, I am going to excuse that she is pretty callous, self serving and perhaps evil. Santana is also like that.

I also have a soft spot for incest pairings in extreme situations. Wincest, Violet/Klaus, Cathy/Chris, Jaime/Cercei, Dexter/Debra (jeez, I have a lot, did not realise that). Like I said, I'm predictable. The relationships I am drawn to are the people that know each other best, that understand each other best, that have been around for the longest. That also explains Katniss/Gale, Ellie/Homer, Bella/Jacob, Harry/Hermione, Beckett/Castle and of course, Brittany/Santana. (Santana is also Cersei level of evil and I-will-stan-until-the-day-I-die). But those are my best friend pairings. Abby/Tony or Tony/Gibbs can also fit into this category based on headcanon. I totally believe that Tony and Abby would have been an incredible pairing back in the early seasons of NCIS. It's been years though, since they really had any significant interaction and they lost that spark, as did pretty much all characters in NCIS really... I haven't shipped Tony/Gibbs hard since about season six, and Tony/Abby I see more, pre-series to season three. A different era. And I just couldn't get properly invested in Tiva. I wanted to be and for awhile I was, but I don't like my ships to be nasty to each other. I don't like the ones that snipe in a mean spirited way or don't appreciate the core aspects of the other person and I don't think Ziva ever really saw the real Tony and I always knew that Gibbs did.

For awhile, I kind of had a Abby/ Gibbs thing. I want to say that goes against my regular shipping policies as younger girl/ much older man isn't really something I support in real life, and that is generally how it works, but I totally found another ship that I also ship that, with April/ Ron. And it's not serious, my real ship for April fits my Tony/Abby theme of 'my dysfunction matches yours' with April/Andy, which is also the best friends 'you make me laugh the hardest, I would spend all day at your house watching movies and drawing dicks on your face when you fall asleep' category. Oh, and Barney/Robin, for sure. Fuck the HIMYM finale, the fight about her job was because he found out she was working for SHIELD and the divorce was a lie, fuck anyone who says otherwise.

So I don't know what this April/Ron fascination is, but all I want to do right now is write a zombie apocalypse story where it is just them and it's very angsty and it's just them and eventually they start having wild crazy sex, it that weird? It totally is, I don't even give a fuck. It's a weird power fantasy I think.

I just really like shipping, it's my favourite part about TV shows. Like, it's not for everyone but it makes me really happy. The only show that I watch without ships is Orphan Black. Normally, if I show has a lesbian couple, I am on that, but I don't really like Cosima/Delphine and my principles do not allow me to ship a couple just because they are girls, and couples that meet and date without the 5+ years of being friends first and going through adventures together is not really my cup of tea.

Like, Destiel doesn't really fit my requirements, which is why I love Wincest and Megstiel as well, but after 2 seasons together, Dean and Castiel had gone through so much shit together, I was ready to give it to them. Plus, they have a fucking profound bond, so fight me. Now, I don't ship it so much but that's the shows fault for making them act like awkward colleagues rather than brothers in arms or close friends. Normally, unless shows spend a lot of time hardcore developing a pairing that was introduced over the course of a show, I won't ship it, because a lot of my headcanon and fondness for ships is from the many years of their relationship that I know came before the show. Daryl/Carol is one of my exceptions to this. With them, I just need to know that in their situation, they are partners. They would chose each other for a heart-to-heart, Carol would automatically be assumed to be riding on the back of Daryl's bike, if people have to share rooms, they'd pair up. Whether that is purely headcanon, we will have to find out in season 5! If not, fanfiction.

And it isn't that I only appreciate romantic relationships. I have so much serious love for friendships as well. Like, the unholy trinity, Quinn and Rachel, literally everyone in Parks and Rec with literally everyone in Parks and Rec (except Jerry obv), sibling relationships, parental relationships, my love of positive female friendship is beyond anything else.

But shipping! Argh, it just makes me so happy, and I love how many ships I have, because it just means that there are SO MANY worlds, that I can just jump into, and have all of these ideas and feels over characters and their relationships with each other and the dynamics of that and oh god, I just love it.

I know this is the most boring post ever but my last 8 posts have been half written and just sit as drafts and I just gunned this out, and I literally mentioned 22 different ships from about 10 or 15 different shows and series that I like so that's a lot of universes to play around it.

Anyway, it's 2am, time for Game of Thrones!