Everything is coming up Lucy

Short post--

I am in London, everything is swell. I saw Buckingham Palace today, as well as many, many assorted sites. I saw and rode double decker buses, I went in and took photos with a bajillion phone boxes, I heard little kids jabber away with the cutest accents, I saw the Sherlock Holmes pub and Starbucks and many other great things.

Jen and I are getting along really well and I really enjoy her company. She says 'sorry' a lot, like she really cares that I'm comfortable and she's not like, causing me any kind of anxiety, even if all she is doing is making the table shake from sawing into food or nudging me while we walk. She's so lovely though, I think we'll be fast friends and good roommates. We just get along, like we walk at the same speed and we have a really comfortable silence, which is great because I can't deal with talking all the time.

She's just considerate and truly, just seems like a really nice person that I really want to be friends with, it's great.

Tomorrow Ithink we are going to do a tour and that could entail lots of interestings things. We should also be doing our ride on the London Eye and going Ice Skating. Hopefully it will be as clear and bright a day as today was!

Adios amigos!

My favourite book

“Stories you read when you're the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you'll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the places in your mind that you rarely ever visit.”

For me, that's Tomorrow, When the War Began. Not just the first book, but the whole series. I was twelve when I first started reading. I remember staying up late to read it, reading it at recess, and on my lap under the desk.

Apart from Summer Heights High, which I will forever consider the most accurate representation of Australian schooling/teenage life, the Tomorrow Series had the characters that I always most identified with, who gave me the most nuggets of truth about life. It set my value system, I can't explain it better. Ellie, the protagonist, she is the most well rounded character I've ever read.

She's incredibly brave and selfless, but she is also stubborn and pig headed, and like everyone, she can be lazy and selfish and mean and thoughtless and cruel and bitter. She makes bad decisions and wrong decisions and she's so real to me. To compare her to the protagonist in the Hunger Games, she is what I consider the humanised version of Katniss. She is a Katniss who is not naively unaware of the feelings of people around her-- though of course she isn't a mindreader-- and she spends a lot of time thinking about her feelings and her actions. She is a Katniss who is not uninterested in romance and sex and relationships. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with Katniss for being written like that. There are obvious differences between their lives, Ellie is a 'normal', well looked after teenager. Her tragedies and ordeals are terrible and her story is about survival and making terrible decisions and having to live with them, and are similar in that both characters deal with PTSD and the aftereffects of their decisions, but where Katniss has dealt with survival all her life, and has developed a single-mindedness to protecting her sister, and mother to an extent, Ellie's loyalties are spread amongst her loved ones, her friends, family, people she meets, her town and her country. I feel like Ellie lives. She breathes. Her life occurs through the pages, not just when she is running for her life, but through every joke, every conversation and argument and touch, she creates this breathing organism of life around her. The author, through Ellie, makes a world that exists not just when an action is significant to the plot.

     "Exactly. You do understand! We have to do things that say yes, not just things that say no. Planting all those seeds, that was a good thing to do. But we should have planted flowers too. The Herit understood that. That's why he put in those roses, and when he made that bridge he didn't just shove a few logs cross the creed. He made it beautifully, so it'll last hundreds of years. We have to create things, and think in the long term. Leave stuff behind us for other. Life rules! Yeah!"

    And I leapt away and did a dance through the Hermit's dark little house, coming back with dozens of rose petals that I scattered generously on Lee's face. But that wasn't enough. I'd suddenly built up so much energy that I could have planted a thousand trees, kissed a thousand guys, built a thousand houses. Instead I ploughed my way back down the crease at high speed, ran in zigzags through the clearing, then jogged on up the track to watch the sunset prom Satan's Steps.

I just chose that from a random page I opened to, but do you see what I mean when I say Ellie lives? She has this incredible agency, that she exists to make surprising choices, to do what feels right to her alone. In the Tomorrow Series, plot never drives the story, the characters do and it makes me feel so passionate about it, because Ellie feels so real, I do see her as a real role model. That's why my first girl child will be 'Ellie', provided my partner agrees. I want my child to grow up with Ellie too. To learn from her how important it is to be yourself, to stand up for what you believe in, to be there for your friends and to be brave and kind.

I love Ellie in a way that I don't love Katniss because she was more relatable. She doesn't make you feel bad for not being strong every second, for not being thoughtlessly selfless. And I liked that Ellie was  definitively a female character, with female traits. A feminist issue I don't always know where I fall on 'are there real differences between genders?', but Ellie isn't a man with a female name, and it's not that she's emotional where the boys are stoic, or she's superficial or gossips or wants love, maybe it's just that she reminds me more of me, I see more of myself in her, than I ever have in any other person or character. Maybe it's just a skill of the writing, and that our personalities are similar, that I insert myself into her shoes and that makes her more female to me, but I do think it's more than that. Marsden respects that women/ girls communicate differently, that friendship is different, that relationships are approached differently and it's true, those differences are real. However, that doesn't make that the girl characters are cut from one cutout and the boys another, every characters is so well fleshed out, I find myself in all of them, my friends in all of them. Bits and pieces from all of them, gender aside.

I can't explain it better, but everyone should read that series at least once. I'm feeling sad that I am, in a way, outgrowing the series in that, the writing is coming across to me as more YA, and being out of high school, I feel I relate to things differently to Ellie now. I think its perfect for anyone from 12-18, but still good after that, just not an exact fit. Like the quote I started with, the emotional place you are in when you first read something, if it's right, it does stick with you. It does change you and shape you and that's so amazing.

Music

Ahhh that feeling when music is so good, you just want to inject it straight into your bloodstream so you can get a faster hit.

Music is one of the best things that this life offers. It's as good as sex or chocolate.

I feel like songs that admittedly aren't particular deep, can still hit these strings in my heart that nothing else can, just from the beat and the sound of the artists voice. I can't even describe it. It's why I like clubs and Retro, because there is something very appealing about being crushed from all sides, with music booming at a deafness inducing level, closing your eyes in a dark, flashing room and screaming along unheard to lyrics of powerful songs. Especially a little drunk, because that increases the sensation like crazy, because you have that added disconnect and you just don't give a fuck about what other people think.

I'm not a muso, my music taste is thoroughly uncool, but that's the thing about music, it doesn't matter at all. It's just finding what you like, whether it's mainstream, or pop, or hipster, or uncool, or punk or oldies.

Music is one of the most fundamental ways humans can communicate. I don't believe in the soul, but deep in human consciousness, there is a universality centred on music and rhythm and voice and movement.

When  I first wrote this post, I had in mind 'Alone Together' by Fall Out Boy, I heard it and it made me ache. My heart is like a stallion, they love it more when it's broken, do you wanna feel beautiful? It doesn't make me feel like that anymore, I over-listened to it, plus it's my ringtone and it was my alarm (a sure fire way to make me hate a song), but I remember that it did nearly make my choke, just how badly it made me want to sink into it and just live in the lyrics and the beat.

Lots of songs make me feel like that for a short window. I remember a quote, 'ignorant is what you call people who don't know what you just learnt', and for me, with music, when a song enters this hype stage for me, when it is the most important thing, the most meaningful, the most memorable song in existence, I believe that everyone else must feel the same way and tend to make them endure it for as long as my fascination lasts.

Music is one of those things that on one hand, you really shouldn't declare that you really love a song, until you listen to it 100+ times over a month. Then you know if it's a passing feeling or not. On the other hand, when I listen to the same song on repeat for days and days and days, I get so much pleasure out of it, who cares if it's a fleeting pleasure or not?

Someday I know we're gonna feel again, just like we did when we were yo...u...un...ger...

My TSwift pleasure songs lately have been Holy Ground, State of Grace and All Too Well. Songs I didn't really know before. I'm a way better T-Swift fan now than I was, seriously, I missed like half the album.

Some of the songs have found their way onto my page already. So you were never a saint and I loved in shades of wrong. We learn to live with the pain-- mosaic broken hearts. But this love is brave and wi-i-ild...

I know I used these lyrics in an earlier entry but maybe from now on I should add song lyrics to every entry, to commemorate whatever the song of the week is.

Tonight I'm gonna dance, like you were in this room, but I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you. Darling, it was good... never looking back... and right there where we stood, is Holy Ground...

Life Update: 5 Days To Go

Santa Pub Crawl last week was good. Not the best night out ever, but I did go. I met Stacey at her house for predrinks with one of her good friends Katie, her boyfriend, her older roommate Brad, his mate and her mum. We drank wine, I brought Vokda that I had left over from my party and we hung out, did make up, I added trim to my red dress and got a Santa hat, it was all very cute.

I mean, it's not the most comfortable situation for me to be in, but I managed. Stacey and I did our thing, but eventually I was bored, and Stacey is so, so pretty that she attracts boys like flies and I have to entertain myself which is the worst because it means I basically prostitute myself out on the dance floor. I don't like dancing by myself, it's weird and lame, so I find boys, make eyes, and dance with them. But that tends to lead to other stuff pretty quickly and I wasn't really in the mood and I'm quite choosy and like to pick attractive boys only to kiss so I tried a new technique of not letting them kiss me by looking straight ahead, like, at their chests or whatever, when I thought they were going to try. If I looked them in the face, I'd have to kiss them.

But I talked to another dude just randomly, which was nice. I don't remember his name now but I was just leaning against the wall near the toilets waiting for Stacey and he was doing the same, so he just struck up conversation which I liked.

In the end, I just told Stacey about 1am that I was leaving, she was like nooo but I said adios and walked home, telling her to text me when she got home safe, which is our normal method because sometimes it's easier to just walk home, rather than get a taxi cos we live quite close.

What else did I did this week?

I got into a fight with a girl at a concert, which I am pretty pleased about. I love feeling badass. I mean, she started it and it was her fault so yeah, good times. Street cred and store of interesting anecdotes +1.

My last shift at work was today. It went well, I gave my boss a gift which I felt awkward about but I just waited til the end, he was out the front so I moved the bag over to 'his stuff' and was about to leave when he came out the back, so I just said 'that's for you, thanks for everything, merry christmas bye'. I feel pleased.

As for my trip, I leave next Friday morning at six am so it is not long now. Especially with Christmas in the middle of that time. I haven't really started packing yet, but I have most of the stuff I need. I got a warm winter coat from my cousin, who also gave me gloves, a scarf and a cute beanie. I have lots of berets as well, I got two new pairs of jeans, new boots, I have a cute new handbag and backpack...

I have a whole bunch of travel cards, my OS HELP loan came through, so I have money again (relief). My Dad said he would take my phone plan for the 6 months, which was nice of him, since obviously I can't use it overseas.

What else....? I'm going to see my dogs on Monday, so that'll be nice. I'll see my Dad too. I'll get a whole bunch of new pictures and videos. I've been taking selfies and pictures like mad. I'm going to miss my house and my street and the beach and my country.

I just went to a Christmas party in my building which was good. My social skills lack a lot, but I still do try, and manage a fair bit. My Mum started every conversation I joined with 'LUCY IS GOING ON EXCHANGE IN LESS THAN A WEEK' and that is actually an exciting thing so it was a good conversation starter. I actually find ending conversations much more difficult than starting them. Like, I'm decent as joining a group, saying 'Hey, I'm Lucy, nice to meet you', but sidling off after being quiet for awhile or when it's just me and one other person, it gets awkward once conversation stops.

Other than that, life is pretty much the same as ever, seeing my friends, watching movies, going the beach, blogging. Ooh, Stacey, her friend Monique and I went 'scuba diving' a few days ago, just off the rocks at South Beach. I have such a girl crush on Stacey. Like, I'm bi, so I also have legitimate crushes on girls, but this is not that, it's a friend crush. It's a 'I wanna be just like you, you are so, so pretty and nice'. It is too bad I am leaving because we are hanging out and being friends and it's awesome and I like it. I've been sceptical for ages about making new friends because I thought I didn't like the meeting people stage, but you know, it's not that bad, it's actually kind of fun. Like, the first time you find out someone quit their Maccas job because all their coworkers found out they got caught in the pool having sex with their boyfriend... priceless. And it's nice meetings friends of friends and new groups and people that aren't already in your friend group and have their own network, it's the best because they do things different. They are friends different. I do very much like that.

My bffl and I, we are best friends in a way that is created  by our own expectations of how friendship works, and it is moderated by each other where our views differ. Unspoken rules of what is allowed, what isn't, what's weird, what is expected... and yes, it does evolve over time, because we grow and are exposed to more variety, but especially when you are someone like me, who enjoys letting the other person call the shots, I am enjoying a totally different brand of relationship than my regular by being friends with Stacey outside of work.

Ok I'm sleepy now, but that's my life really.

Also, I am slowly weaning myself off Taylor Swift again. I have listened for nothing else, literally for almost a month. But now I'm getting obsessed with Guy Sebastion. Mostly because he performed as an opener for T-Swizzle, and I really liked 'Like A Drum', though I never actually looked it up until today because I heard it on the radio and loved it, but I'd forgotten it was by him. Searching for it once I'd forgotten the lyrics was difficult but I succeeded finally. I also really like 'Who's that Girl?' for some reason.

The music video also reminds me of my ultimate OTP of Ellie/Homer, so that helps.

A annoying facet of life is not knowing how I present to other people. When I look at others, sometimes I feel like I know their exact thought processes.  I understand them. Other times though, I see people one way but then they surprise me and I realise what I see and assume about them isn't necessarily what is underneath.

And because sometimes I feel so contrary-- sometimes on purpose, sometimes just due to conflicting desires and personality confusion, I feel like I am not always consistent in my behaviour with others either, and I feel it's likely I confuse others in the same way.

Sometimes I think about myself, if I was a character, how would I be described? It's why sometimes, I like being written about, or finding myself in a video someone's taken, or even in photographs. I am filled with their crushing desire to see me from outside of myself. Even if it generally awful and it makes me unhappy, it's never something I could bare to look away from.

Besides, depending on what kind of self esteem day it is, I feel differently and would write differently about myself. Sometimes it's nothing but flaws-- I am lazy and mean and hopeless and awkward and a freak-- but other times, it's I'm pretty and I am kind and I have quirks that are unique to me and I have something special to say and I am valuable. When I'm with my friends I can be funny, I want to take care of them and I try to make them feel good. I try my best, I'm smart, I push myself to be better.

People are conflicts I think.

Like, my best friend Mia. She is so passionate about things, both for good and bad. She hated you-know-who and was so rude to him, but she did it because she was being protective of me. She loves her boyfriend so much, to irrationality sometimes when she refuses to think that they may not be together forever, but also she's rational enough to know if they did, she'd be okay and not want to kill herself.

And she's confident, it amazes me sometimes. If someone said something that I didn't hear properly, or hadn't heard of, I'd just smile and nod, but she's actually own up to it and the conversation would be better for it. She speaks her mind more than anyone I know and yeah, it's rude sometimes and it's blunt but I like it. I like that she and I fit, because she says what I think, and she knows I won't say it, except to her.

I think what I could learn from truly confident people, is that not knowing something is okay. You just admit it. I try so very hard to be competent, and perhaps even more to appear competent, even when  a lot of the time I'm not. I was sheltered growing up, I don't have a lot of life experience yet and it's almost impossible to not be shy and awkward, when you are. Conversation just doesn't flow from me, I'm not quick and I'm not at all funny. Even my cousins, who aren't cool or traditionally funny, they have this brand of humour that just cracks me up but it's not something I can replicate. It's pretty foreign to me.

I think to be funny, you need confidence in it. I read somewhere that all puns are bad puns, but it doesn't matter, if you think them, you should say them. Why the fuck not right?

A lot of the time, I'm like my own best companion, me and my brain. We just crack jokes and make snide remarks inside my head but maybe I could try to be more of an extrovert, rather than just studying and attempting to badly replicate the behaviour of other people I know, I'd be more of a character than just me, who is quiet and can't verbalise the things she thinks.

I'm really nervous about going away and money.

I am freakkkkking out, because do you know how much money is in my bank account now? $1500. That's it.

All I have.

Plus $1000 on a travel card that has been converted into pounds.

Those bits of money are not going to last me 6 months, which is supposed to be travelling as well as studying. I know I am getting a loan, plus $1000 grant, plus Centrelink but right now, I don't have any of that. My Centrelink got cancelled and probably won't get sorted until next year, once I've already left on my European adventure. I'm supposed to get my loan on the 20th, but because I first asked for the $2500 loan (idiot) and then switched to the $6000 loan on the second lot of official paperwork, I don't know what I'll be recieving. So I suppose I will find out on Friday. I am pretty sure $6000 but I am not counting chickens just yet.

I get a travel grant once I'm at Exeter for $1000,  but that's not confirmed until I'm there and send the right forms, saying that I' m studying and accepted and all is cool.

Plus Centrelink should start and I should get at least $100 a week but I have no idea when I'll get that, plus $1000 in March when uni term in Australia starts. Plus Mum should give me at a couple hundred pounds for Christmas and the next two weeks of work will get me at least $800 so I will try to breathe.

I suppose I didn't think some things would be as expensive as they were, like accomodation is like 2/3 of all my money gone, and that is terrifying, truly.

But at least everything is done now, pretty much. All of my accomodation until June is sorted. My week in London is booked, my train ticket from London to Exeter is booked. Obviously flights are booked.

Obviously food, attractions and general sightseeing is going to cut into funds but as long as I have that $6000 in my bank account, I am not going to be scared, and it will be okay. Just until then, I'm too scared to do anything but worry. I'll get excited once everything else is sorted.

So in the town where I live, there is this thing called the Santa Pub Crawl. It's pretty bogan, but I mean, it's for a good cause and it's just supposed to be fun. Everyone has to dress up, that's the only requirement.

My friend Stacey asked if I wanted to go, and I said sure. I got a red dress and we planned to go to hers and add fur trim and make them Christmassy, with Santa hats as well obviously. But this arvo, I texted her asking when I should come over, she said she'd text me when she got home. I missed a call from her an hour later, called her back, no answer. Then she never texted so I never went over. Who knows what came up, but a bit disappointing.

I am hoping that we still go. Her ex boyfriend/ current boyfriend (I don't even know, he's an asshole but she can't get over him) is having a Chrismas party tomorrow night as well, so now she thinks she's going to that. We could still pub crawl afterwards but... I don't know. I'll text my cousin and see when he is going, because I think he is. I can always meet up with him and his friends and go regardless.

My best friend is going to a concert tomorrow so I can't make her come (plus she thinks it's bogan). I don't know anyone else who likes drinking and would be up for it....hmm.

I think it'll be fun though. Like, obviously I'll be nervous and it's not my usual thing, but opportunities to do different things must be taken with both hands obviously.

That reminds me, I kind of wanted to try getting high before I go away. I have friends that have done like, pot brownies, and I think that could be okay. Like, if I was to try drugs, that's what I do. I mean, I don't know if I would,  because side effects and possible descent into schizophrenia, but that's very unlikely and though my 10 year old self would be horrified (actually, my 17 year old self would be terrified too. I still remember being in a house with people I knew all getting high and telling my boyfriend I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave now). Regardless, it's a tempting thought.

Then I have Birds of Tokyo concert on Sunday, my first day off in 5 days. I am  working a lot, but I only have about 1.5 weeks of work left, or less, so every bit counts. That should be fun, I'm not super into them, but chance to hang out with friends, go to a concert in a smaller venue. All about the life experiences yo.

My birthday went well, I got to spend it with a lot of the people I love. My best friends (excluding the bffl who is home tonight) came over and baked with me, and it was a lot of fun. All three of the netball mates I invited came, and I think they had a good time, talking not just amongst themselves but with my school friends as well.

You know who didn't come. I don't know if I've explained this fully before, but the past 3 birthdays, he has said he would come and then didn't, for various reasons. This was his last chance, in my mind, and I think I was pretty clear to him about that as well.

About 2 hours after my party had started, I messaged him asking if he was coming, and he asked 'was that tonight?' and explained he'd been sick and hadn't checked facebook, saying he'd take me out for coffee and that he was sorry he couldn't make it, cos he lives quite far away and there were no more trains that late. Also that he was sorry for being a shit friend, to which I replied that he fucking was.

When I got home last night, I drunk messaged him, telling him how sad and disappointed I was that he didn't show, and how hard I try to keep our friendship and how his actions make me feel like I don't matter to him. It was pretty coherent for barely being able to see and type. There was a bunch of 'sorry I'm drunk, this is stupid, don't listen' bits but for the most part, it was a well articulated message and I enjoyed that being drunk, I could just say whatever shit I wanted and only take responsibility for the consequences if I chose to in the morning, or I could fob it off under 'I was drunk, I don't know what I was saying.'

The message he sent back, my best friend admitted that it made her feel warm inside, and keep in mind, that this friend hates his guts. Okay, I'll put it here, because it was sweet and worth recording.

You do matter Lucy... I really was down with the flu n didn't realise today was the 7th. By the time I realised the last train to wollongong had left. I really do feel exactly how shitty a friend I am but you do matter. When your sober and not quite so justifiably hating my guts I'll take you out to dinner as an apology. Whereever you want to go. You do matter Luce and I am sorry.

I don't know what to do now. I know I need to follow the 'three strikes and you're out' mentality but it's so, so hard for me to do. Writing him off is terrible, it makes me feel terrible. It's not proportional to our friendship, the level of terrible-ness that I have attached to letting him go. Some other people I was close to once, I just shrug and it doesn't effect me at all.

And I don't even know if I like him now, just last week I was thinking we're pretty plutonic now, from my side as well as his, but then his happens, and it makes me clear the board and reconsider all my options. From highest to lowest, I could go all out, tell him I still have feelings for him and if he was to break up with Georgia, he should be with me. Actually, even higher than that would be to tell him he should break up with her and be with me, but that's a little unrealistic, considering in three weeks I am out of here and they've been dating nearly 3 years.

Second, I could tell him that because my feelings for him have always been a lot more complicated compared to other friends, he gets held to a different standard and while missing a few birthdays isn't exactly murdering somebody, it does hurt a lot more when he does it than someone else. And that that he should realise by now that hating his guts is a state that is pretty much totally incompatible with my DNA, and I never seem to manage it, regardless of situation.

However, it's not a maintainable situation and I feel like I need to find some resolution. I could do something about it.

I could call him, and tell him I want to have a long conversation about us and our relationship. I could say that I recognise that the things I'm about to say may be purely one sided and that he may not have realised that this side of things still existed, but that honest communication has always been a real problem for us and that I'm doing this to end drama, not create or extend it.

Ever since high school it's been incredibly important to me to stay friends because like, in Year 12, he was the most important thing I had going on. He was like my best friend and at the time, we were both messing things up because for me, it was this new thing that I hadn't ever had experience with and I always assumed he knew what he was doing and looking back, I kind of see he were making it up as he went along, pretty much the same way. The problem was he was just too outwardly confident and I had an insane amount of faith in him so I never saw doubt or confusion from his side, and it didn't tend to occur to me that my behaviour and communication wasn't clear, and that he wasn't in total control of the situation, which I felt like he was.

I am so confused. I don't know what I want to do.

I don't want to stop being friends, I never do. It's a well documented fact that I tend to resist that at all costs, but I told myself, if he didn't come this year, it'd be like, 3 strikes and you're out. Because if I never put any kind of consequences on anything, there just ends up being all this bad feeling and right now, I feel like this is how our relationship is, that because I forgive anything because it's him, and it's complicated, I never feel resolved.

So I'm hoping that by talking it out with him, I'll get that satisfaction of being understood, which is all I ever really tend to want. Like, especially why my birthdays matter, I want him here then, when I'm with all my friends and it's something I've planned and worked to make good. Cos like, he knows me, because we talk and that's my personality and how I feel about stuff and that's important, but sometimes I wish he knew more of my life and was more a part of it. He's never been to my house or met any of my other friends.

There are people you share your life with, like your family and people you work with, and the friends you spend a lot of time around, that know how you spend your days and that you talk about the little things with, and then there are the people you just 'catch up' with, and its just like giving a run down on everything they've missed and I don't like him being in that category. Like, if we had it my way, we'd actually go out and do things and hang out for the sake of hanging out, not just meeting up because we have a quota of times we have to meet up to still be in the category of friends.

So I think I have decided... I will message him tomorrow and tell him that we should do dinner, and I'll try my hardest to be honest and tell him this in person. Whether that means telling him I still have feelings for him, I suppose that'll have to depend on whether I decide I do or not. I'm still very very confused, more than ever.

I went to Taylor Swift Red Tour last night in Sydney and it was so good. It was the best thing. Worth the money easily.

She did two songs to begin, then she started talking and I don't know why, but it was something to do with the fact that she was really there, like 100m away, and that I was sharing this in-person, physical event with Taylor Swift, made me cry. It just felt surreal.

I understand celebrity culture, the way people look at these people and relate to them, and are curious about every detail of their lives. I don't think it's ok, maybe, but I'll admit there isn't much I don't know/ haven't seen of Taylor Swift, if it's on the internet. Because the material she writes is so close to my heart, and because I've made all my own associations with it, and it's been the most prominent soundtrack of my life thus far, I think it makes sense that I got emotional hearing it live, in a dark stadium, with 40000 other people who also love her.

It was a good concert. She was confident and she really made me like some of the songs that I didn't know that well.

One thing though, you know who, stupid fucker that he is, had to message me 'Luuucccccyyyy :) Movies?' right before the concert started. Way to confuse me before a TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT where every song is about complicated and passionate love. That boy gets in my head like nothing else.

And I guess we fell apart in the usual way, and the story's got dust on every page.
But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now, and I see your face in every crowd...
Cos darlin', it was good. Never looking down. And right there were we stood... is holy ground.