It's so catchy, even if I don't know Spanish which makes singing along hard... the dance we do isn't this exact one but it's similar. It just makes me happy, I don't even know why, but I just want to smile wildly when I hear it. How weird hey.
I worked today, which went fine. Then I walked home in the freezing rain which sucked, then I Zumba'd, then I had dinner, then basketball (epic fail as always, but it's over for the season now) and now I'm home.
But I think I'm going to end up both coaching and doing my own netball training on a Thursday, so I won't mind not basketballing for a while.
Mia (my best friend) texted me, asking if I wanted to work at her restaurant, because they need someone to cover the occasional shift, so that'll be great. Bit of extra money, extra experience, working with my bffl. And less nerves because she'll be training me and that'll help. Plus she can tell me what to wear/ what everyone's names are and hopefully put in a good word for me if the boss is iffy about how I go when I have my trial on Monday. It's all evening shifts which mean I won't have clashes with anything thankfully. It's a Chinese restaurant and it's not that close, it's at least 15-20 minutes away but I think I'm just spoiled after working within walking distance. Actually, two of my friends work there, another girl I'm friends with is a waitress as well. My best friends almost other best friend. Well, no, but good friend and I get jealous easily. But now I'll be there too.
I'm kind of excited to be a waitress, I haven't done that before but it'll look good on a resume and I do want to try something different. I will just make sure Mia tells me how to do everything beforehand and what is expected. I've been training girls at work for weeks so I think that might actually help. I know that asking questions is good. I just have to be focused, make sure I ask the right questions and jump in, making sure I'm working hard and making the job easier for everyone, not harder.
Honestly, after all this training of other girls I've done, I think I must have been awful when I started. I think just in general that while I'm not autism spectrum, there are many things in my past which show that I can lack initiative because I take things incredibly literally and I don't think past those instructions. When I used to play soccer, I was full back, so I was told not to go past half way and I never ever did. When the other full back once got the ball and managed to go past half way and actually score, I nearly spit the dummy because he was breaking the rules. Obviously it's not an actual rule but I was just like 'that's not okay'. I've lots of dumb mistakes like that, with misconceptions over things that last for years.
It's embarrassing really.
On another subject, probably sparked because I'm on youtube watching a video of Ricky Martin shaking his ass and objectifying him thoroughly, I still can't work out if I'm just attracted to girls or if I actually have a sexual orientation that includes them.
How can I know?
Do I want to kiss a girl? Sure, but I have since I was in Year 9 and 'I kissed a girl' was first popular. Do I have a lady love? Sure, but again, since Year 9. Do I want to do messy bodily fluid type things with members of the female persuasion? I don't know, do I want to do it with members of the male persuasion? I don't freaking know. There's obviously a difference between being hot for something and thinking that you could go through with it.
The thing is, I can't see myself dating a girl. But I can't work out if it is because I am not as gay positive as I want to be. The idea makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed when I think of it in relation to myself. Obviously I think it's fine for anyone else, but when I consider it personally, I cringe. But I don't know why. I don't want to be labelled that way even though intellectually I know there is nothing to be ashamed of.
So that's why I don't know. I can't tell if I am romantically attracted to girls because all that gets in the way and the rest of it can all be explained away as attraction, and just normal judging and appreciation of clothes and 'I wish I looked like that' appreciation. Because girls do do that. I just can't work out if it's more than that.
In other news, I had dinner with my Dad last night, which was on my to do list so that was good. We talked about lots of stuff. My Dad is such a character, even if his life choices are ridiculous. He's got women problems that I was encouraging him to tell me about, even if I kept taking the women's side, because he lies to them and they are way more into him than he is. My Dad, the player.
He is never going to want to settle down. It's kind of weird that my dad gets this kind of action. Seriously, he's broke as fuck, works a shitty job, looks way older than he is and he's over 50 already. As I told him laughing, 'at least you know these women like your personality.' My Dad does have charm though.
He was telling me I was way too opinionated though, which I think is funny. I mean, it's true. And he said that I'm probably too picky over boys, which I don't know where he got that from but also true. But I don't mind being too picky, I don't want to be unhappy. And it just takes one... once I like someone, I can overlook a lot. I just need to get there first.
What else did we talk about... him getting stoned last weekend (I just shook my head). How even.
But it was a good dinner and I feel like Dad is letting me in on a more adult level which I appreciate.
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