The only thing worse than being wide awake int he middle of the night with anxiety is being awake in the middle of the night, tired, but unable to sleep due to said anxiety.

I don't really fret in general. I'm pretty laid back so when I'm anxious, I really feel it. 

I feel this pressure on me, because of my commitments, to my job/s (since now I have two, plus tutoring twice a week, plus umpiring...), to uni, to my fitness classes, to my friends, to netball, to coaching, to studying... I feel like I don't have time to relax.

And then I dropped the ball on my Youth Allowance, and the $1000 that I should be recieving tomorrow, I'm not going to get because I've just found out in an email (dated the 22nd of Feb, though I'm sure it wasn't there a week ago) that my Youth Alowance was cancelled because I didn't hand in some documentation. They wouldn't be so generous to tell me what documentation of course. That'd be too easy.

So now I have to find some time during work hours to go to Centrelink. Wait in line. Timetable in an hour to be safe. Not knowing what the document I'm missing is, the trip will be a waste of time because I won't have the document on me and I'll have to come back. Then I'll probably be informed that they don't backdate payments and I'll miss out on that big one that I need because I need to buy my textbooks tomorrow and that'll be 300 at least. My entire paycheck almost.

And I don't have the time to be in the city spending hours at Centrelink. I work and I tutor after work or I have uni after work and the only possible day I could do it is Monday but that's 6 days away and I don't want to wait that long.

I could go after work tomorrow and skip my uni lecture, on the fucking second day of class.

When did everything get so damn complicated?

My heart is buzzing like it's attached to a damn electrical wire and it's not at all a pleasant feeling. The only other times I get like this apart from pressure due to commitments, is when I fuck things up with you know who and it's the same damn anxiety. It stems from the fact that it's all out of my control and I just have to do it, even if I don't want to, even if I can't, I can't change anything.

I hoped that it'd be worth it to blog about it, if I got this rant out I'd have figured out a game plan and that would have calmed me down because I'd know what I'm doing. Jesus fuck. It hasn't really helped.

I just need to breathe and accept things as they are. If things are going to suck, so be it. Suck it up, fix the problems, focus on what I can control. Okay.

Goodnight.

----

I am calmer now.

It's been a day so I've had some progress in the things that drive my anxiety up the wall.

a) my centrelink issues. I spent ages on hold this morning before work, but was told that I needed to get my birth cetificate, as well as 100 points of ID so I can sort that, now that Mum knows what I need, she can find it in the filing (I don't know Mum's filing system for documents). This was further resolved when my boss said that he doesn't need me to tutor his son this week, which suits me down to the ground. I can go to centrelink Friday afternoon after work and before tutoring. Fingers crossed that I can get it all sorted.

b) Netball coaching. I cancelled training this month, not starting until April. I just texted everyone and that is that. And almost everyone texted me back saying that was fine.

c) I went to work today, and to Uni. I got my textbooks ($210 more dollars) but I got paid $360 today for my week so it's okay, I'll live. Still, I am happy that I went and got it all done.

d) I took out my contacts.

And the things I haven't done:

a) I didn't go to fitness class today. I could have but didn't. I hadn't had lunch, it was past 5pm, I was in pain from my contacts, I just wanted to get home.

b) I haven't done all my study for tomorrow, but I'm listening to the lecture I missed today (that I'll miss every week due to work) so I'm getting it done.

So yeah, I'm doing well, everything is going better. I'm feeling better.

I just need to keep on going. I'm working tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day... but that's okay.

-----

Work went fine, uni went fine, did boxing and basketball. Ate badly, as I do every night after 9 pm. fuck that.

Okay so I saw you-know-who today at uni. Unusually, he saw me and came over, rather than me seeing him first and strategically placing myself in an attractive position.

He was with his girlfriend and another guy, so while not awkward as it's not like they came with him to chat.

I do want to set up some hour for us to hang out at uni. I'd like to have a set time because I do miss him and I'd like to be closer.

As for his gf now being at uni, I will remind myself that I am not a significant part of his life so this doesn't affect me at all but times like today when I was reading by myself and he was two tables over with her... well, that sucks.

Too bad she's doing arts and not commerce, otherwise I would totally be in her lectures and sit with her and make friends. Why you ask, would I want to hang out with the one girl who probably dislikes me the most?

Well, that's probably the reason really. I'm not used to being disliked or people having reason to dislike me.... I don't do bad things to other people often, at least when it's not my brother. Even if you know who says she doesn't care, I feel bad and totally ignoring her feelings on the matter (which I'm allowed to do because this is hypothetical) it would make me feel better.

Plus it would mean I could hang out with him and it would be less weird.

I don't know, that's just a thought I had. It's one of those crazy 'if life worked out that way' things that isn't real, I just liked the idea of it so I shared it I suppose.

In some ways, I'm tentatively glad that my feelings for you know who are still kind of around, even if they aren't as they were (obviously). As guilty as I am for what I did, I know I did it because of real things. Selfish, but it was a genuine need I had for him.

I don't even. This is what I get for playing Taylor Swift all night at work. My mid-fifties male boss is way too nice about letting me play my music.