January

Welcome to 2017!

After New Years, I moved out of home... approximately four doors up the hill and in with my disabled uncle, who conveniently lives in the same apartment as my boyfriend.

Hurray!

So now we live even closer than before, and with a (with limits) open door policy, it's almost like living together, without much of the icky commitment and with our own bedrooms for space. I was pretty ambivalent about the moving thing until I did it. Like, I was sad to move out of home, I like home. It's cheap and much nicer than I can afford myself, and I like Mum and Tom.

However, now that I am out and I have everything set up nicely and I'm settled in, I very much like living where I am. I can still save money while I'm here, I get a step closer to domesticity with the bae and while I don't necessarily get more freedom in terms of having parties and friends over and having loud sex, I do know not have anyone telling me what to do. I have a lot more responsibility for groceries/washing/cleaning etc, but that means I do things the way I want them done, and without Mum around, I can finally learn to eat/cook like a normal person (she can't handle any scent stronger than pepper in the kitchen, let alone onion or garlic or soy sauce). I'm learning to cook, which is exciting and motivating. Bae took me grocery shopping, to get all the basics in bulk. I've never had half the stuff before, but bae is a good cook and he'll help me get all the basic meals down.

Living with John is fine, I just keep to my room when I don't want to interact and he's talkative but not like, coming knocking on my door to talk. When he has seizures, I get a bit unsure, they don't last long but it's always unsettling to have any kind of unexpected yelling and seizure noises. I don't have to do anything, one just happened and I just went out into the living room and was like 'You okay?" and he was like 'yeah' so it's fine, but I feel bad for not doing more, though I don't know what more there is to do. My aunties are around a lot too which is fine. I don't mind if Orion comes out of my bedroom while they are there, it doesn't both anyone. I don't think John minds either.

I have cute fairy lights everywhere in my room, and I culled all my stuff, so everything is quite neat! I was pretty sure I would be neater when I moved out if I could develop the habit from day 1. Like, a new environment that I've never experienced as messy is much less likely to deteriorate because neat is the norm, rather than the exception. So going back to 'neat' is the baseline expectation. At the very least, I'm trying to form better habits and I think new starts are the best time to do it, so #newyearnewhousenewme

I've also started jogging, another new years thing but you know, I'm hopeful and positive about it. I'm starting slow, and not overdoing it. I look forward to it so far, rather than dreading it. I try to conceptualise the run in my head as my time for myself, when I feel really good and something to feel thankful for, rather than curse. I think a lot of my problems just need some old fashioned CBT to really change my perceptions. I'm gonna run 2k tomorrow, as my 7th run for the year, and that's not a lot in terms of distance, but it's not nothing either. I'm pretty unfit but if I keep it up, I'll be running 3k by the end of the month and 5k by early March. It doesn't need to be instant amazing distances, cos if I go slow and get the running mindset right, it could be sustainable through the year. So far, I go every second day at 7am, around the lighthouse and an every increasing distance beyond. Tomorrow I should reach the WEC, after two weeks of doing it. Part of me is like noooo don't talk about it yet, it hasn't been long enough, it's gonna be embarrassing if you stop, and don't actually keep it up, but y'know, putting plans out into the universe is good. It makes me accountable and also I just like talking about the things I'm doing as I do them. Right now, I think this is the time, I think this is me getting the balance right, and it's gonna work. The combo of eating right and exercising is gonna do me good, if it lasts another two weeks, another two months, or six months or all year.

I'm very happy with where I am right now. Getting into good habits with food, fitness and neatness before clin comes into my life and brings with it stress and makes my life hectic. Yay 2k17!

Exciting, unstable times

I want to make a post now because my life is racing towards a moment of major, life change, and I want to document the moment before that occurs,

Since October, I have been applying for Clinical and Professional Psychology Masters programs all over, at six different uni's. My preference is the two year clinical program, but professional, which is a one year course, is still respectable, and often a springboard for clinical. Both are very competitive.

So far I have been accepted into USyd for a Master of Teaching (School Counselling), though it was a back up, and UNE, which is professional, via distance, and not ideal. I also have interviews for UTS, WSU, UOW, and MQ.

-----

Damn, I really wanted to finish this post before I got news but I was blindsided early so I will have to change tactics.

I don't know how to say this without it sounding like a dream, but I was accepted in a Master of Psychology (Clinical) at UOW. My dream course, at my dream uni. I'm literally... brain dead. I can't comprehend it and I was blindsided by it.

This is complicated to explain, but it's necessary to understand. UOW has two post graduate programs, clinical and professional. Clinical is a two year course that will leave you fully registered at the end, as not just a psychologist but a clinical psychologist (you can charge more and are more specified towards clinical cases). Professional is one year, gets you halfway to registration and leads you into the second year of supervision, at the end of which you are registered. Often people finish professional and get into clinical from there.

I was only given an interview for professional. So that means they looked at my application, were like, she's alright, not enough experience for clinical, but give her a go for professional. Mia on the other hand got the Clinical interview, which I am pretty sure means that they assess you for clinical, and if you don't make it, they assess you for professional, though it's possible to get neither.

However, the interview for both clinical and professional is the same. It's four questions/scenarios and you have about 5-7 minutes to answer each question, each with a different interviewer. So Mia and I did the same interview, as do all Clinical and Professional candidates. However, I didn't believe it was possible for a Professional candidate to be offered the Clinical masters, because they'd been ruled out in the 'who do we give interviews?' stage.

But for some reason, that's what happened with me. I got the offer yesterday, on my birthday, and it was awkward, rather than celebratory because I was terrified it was a mistake. So I spent my birthday party trying not to think about it, because I didn't want to be too hopeful and be crushed the next day if it was a mistake.

But today, I went to uni because I'm finishing my degree over summer due to a credit point debacle and I talked to the Head of Psych, and also the Course Coordinator, as well as admissions, and triple confirmed, I am in, it's real and legitimate!

I got my dream. It's so wonderful I don't know how to process it.

But at the same time, Mia hasn't heard anything and neither has my closest psych friend Fiona. I don't know what that means for them, and while I want to be hopeful, I'm very worried that it means that they didn't get in. Mia has professional at Monash but that's in Melbourne, and while she still has a shot at getting accepted at other uni's, it's not the same as getting in at UOW. It's hard because in some ways, she deserves it more than I do, she's attempted it twice (last year not getting in), and she put in so much effort to prepare for interviews.

Me on the other hand, prepared a lot (though was not in her league), but didn't stress at all. I feel like in achieving this amazing feat myself, I've done it in a way that is undeserving. I would never say that I don't work hard or that I didn't put my all in, but I wasn't the only one to do that. I don't think I'm more deserving.

Especially with Mia, it's so difficult. Being in the same boat as your best friend is great most of the time, but it is hard because no one can ever get all the same opportunities.

But it feels like it should be a leapfrog thing, she misses out one thing, I miss out another thing, but instead now I've caught up the year she was ahead of me, with an extra degree under my belt, and now have got into the most competitive, amazing course, that has been both of our dreams for five years, without any struggle what so ever. I didn't even get wait listed, I just got offered. Like, that's literally unbelievable. If Mia was me, I would be feeling green with envy inside. Not because I'm awful but because it's hard to just be happy for your friends when you are also banking all your hopes on getting that same opportunity, and not getting it.

Somehow, debating skills mixed with shyness and sincerity worked on UOW interviewers. I have charm apparently. The guy in charge, who was supposed to be scary af, actually must have liked me. I saw him today to confirm and he said my interview was really good.

I have to just hope beyond hope now that Mia gets into WSU. At least then we would both be doing clinical and the dream continues.

Fingers crossed.


Also, I'm 23 now yay!

The thing about being in a relationship that I can't avoid is that I'm terrified of what it will feel like if  we break up. I try to picture it all the time, not because I think it's going to happen on account of how things are going but just because I think that it's just probability that we'll end, because almost all relationships do and I don't think ours is so special that it'll be the exception.

I'm scared of it because this blog reminds me vividly that I spent 3 years struggling to get over someone who I never dated. I'm so constant with my feelings, I don't know how to move on from anyone or anything, so I know that if Orion even ends things will me, I'll break. I don't know how not to be insecure to the point where I don't base my worth on what guys I love think of me. If we end, I'll feel that it was because I wasn't good enough and I just hope I don't get sick again as a result. I don't think I will, but this is so far outside anything I can predict, I can't even imagine how it would go down or what I would do. I'd be okay, I know. I was okay after Lizzy, I'm not going to lose it over a boyfriend but it would be hard.

I try to make it less hard by throwing out statements like 'I'll take that home with me when we break up' or 'once we end, I'll do that' etc. I think it annoys bae, who's like, just say 'if we break up', not 'when'. And I'm a hypocrite, because the one time bae was teasing me saying something similar, about how we'll break up as soon as I move and we aren't on the same street anymore and I got really defensive being like NO DON'T SAY THAT. It's weird. I know I do it as a defense mechanism, so if we do break up I'll feel prepared, but I also don't believe it mostly. I used the phrase 'when we get married' instead of 'when I get married' the other day, that was embarrassing. We've only been together 6 months, so obvi our long term prospects are still very much up in the air, but I like to think they are there, in a way I don't think either of us expected when we started.

I deeply want to be the person that fits bae, and want him to be that person for me, where it just works and where you want to be with that person for as long into the future as you can see. I don't want us to give up if it becomes impractical or difficult. All that growing together, ride or die stuff, I want that. I guess I love him or whatever :P

Having said that, there are a lot of things that could end us as a couple, but none I can see in the next few months. This Summer is going to be golden, by hell or highwater I'm gonna have the time of my life, with bae and my friends and moving out and finishing my thesis this week, and whatever happens, life is happening all around me and I'm gonna appreciate it all.

Okay, with 6 days til thesis, I should get back to work. 

43 Days Until Thesis

So with 43 days until my thesis is due, what is going on in my life?

Quite a lot actually! I'm at such a high point right now, where I am just very contented with where my life is. I see all my friends all the time, I really feel productive and like my thesis is coming along, I am busy debating and just got reelected to the Executive for the second year in a row, I have a really lovely relationship which makes me really happy, and it's starting to get warmer and sunnier so that makes me really positive.

I have a lot of friends stuff happening right now which I love. About a month ago, we came up with the idea of Feminist Film Fridays, in which everyone gets together after dinner of Friday and we watch a feminist movie. So like, 5 or 6 of us each week gather at my house and we watch something together and eat Magnums. It's really nice! This week we watched Miss Congeniality, and some boys came too, and we had cheesecake for Mia's birthday and it was just a nice, unremarkable night that really deserves to be cherished. It's a gift to have so many wonderful people around me that I enjoy hanging out with. After this year, a lot is going to change, and people are going to be working full time, or living in different states or countries, and that's pretty crazy to think about. I'd lvoe to hit the freeze button right now, cos this feels like a golden time for me. My brother just got a major job offer yesterday, which is amazing but it means he's going to be moving to Canberra at the end of the year/ beginning of next year. Every Thursday night, Chels, Mia, Viv and I do Eat Street Markets or go to Beach Burrito for dinner, and catch up, normally getting Kurtosh after. Every Monday, I spend an hour with Indy , who is a newer friend that I love dearly and we drink Belgian hot chocolates and D&M about whatever is new since FFF. On Tuesday nights, it's always Debating but I love that cos I have so many people that I look forward to seeing there. One of my closest debating friends actually can't attend any meetings this semester because of class, so we just caught up yesterday for lunch and that was really nice, to move from just the group world of debating to doing our own thing. One of my friends who I thought wasn't my friend anymore actually came around and we made up very dramatically, and now that's someone I can count on again, which I like. Plus I tag along to stuff with bae's friends, who are all really cool and fun, so I feel like my social life is actually really good rn.

Bae and I are doing good too. We have a relationship that involves basically me sleeping at his house 9/10 nights, so we spend a lot of time together without it conflicting with other commitments or life-stuff. We don't spend a huge amount of time together during the day, so it doesn't feel like an over-the-top commitment,  but just one that makes sense. I like sleeping in the same place, not 10 houses apart, just for the sake of space. We spent the weekend in Sydney last week, and went to the Socialism Conference and the Star, where a friend of his had a 21st. It was really exciting to go somewhere overnight as a legit couple. Like, we've stayed in Sydney debating lots of times with other people, but this was just a thing we were doing as a couple, of our own volition, so that was really sweet #milestone. Our relationship isn't perfect, and I do definitely overthink things a lot and need to communicate what I think more, but I am really happy in it and get a lot of value. I'm really looking forward to this Summer.

I have an RA job and that's going pretty well, I do statistical analysis for a major project and it's fun. I just do it whenever I want and will actually be getting paid so that's nice. I'm considering going on a cruise at the end of the year with friends (hopefully bae too but he still needs to be convinced). That would be such a nice way to end the year. I'm also going to the Psych Ball this year, with bae, and I'm just excited to celebrate thesis being done with all of my Psych friends, because everyone has become so much closer this year, I feel like I have a lot of friends there that I'll be sad to say goodbye to.

My fitness & health goals are not really a priority right now, which sucks. I'm hoping that I can start making that more of a priority soon, because it does bring me down. I do want to be thinner and healthier and get some fitness back. I'm going to start running again, hopefully. At least just spending more time outside walking. I think that would be valuable, not just for physical goals but for mental health. I went out the other week to meet bae Pokemon hunting and was so surprised by how much joy the walk gave me. It was cold and dark but I had my earphones in and I genuinely didn't want to arrive, because I was having so much fun by myself. I also think it would be nice to just go out together and walk and talk. Prime hand holding opportunity.

I'm also looking forward (kind of) to moving out at the beginning of next year. I'm being kicked out so I have plans to move in with Viv and Ryan which I think will be an adventure. Hopefully the good kind. That's still 5 months away but it's a serious plan, I have to move out and I love the idea of living with friends.

So funnily enough, about 12 hours after I wrote my last post about being in love (gross) and all of that emotions stuff, bae got his act together and told me he loved me.

Excellent timing by him, cos it's good to be on the same page and not good to not be able to say feelings as I have them. Thinking 'I love you' and not being able to say it really killed my buzz so I was glad he decided it was time because once he said it, obviously it was open season and I said it back and now we say it all the time.

It's a funny, weird social construct. It's like, there exists an invisible barrier that prevents you from being honest about love when you feel it until you are sure it's mutual and then popping the barrier is a big deal but then immediately after that, you say it all the time for completely banal things. Not to say that it means nothing now but I got used to it very, very fast. It's still on my list of favourite things about being in a relationship though. I think the list is like 1) cuddling 2) hearing him say "this is my girlfriend' 3) hair/forehead/face kisses 4) i love you's and compliments 5) pet names.

I mean, there is defs more things that I like but those are the things in particular that get me feeling warm and fuzzy about relationships. Like, sex is excellent but it was excellent before we were dating too so it can't make the list.

I just like having a boyfriend. It really is just like the buddy system, it's just having a person specifically looking out for you, and doing things with you and making sure you are doing okay. I approve of all these things. It's not restricting, just nice. it's been three months now and it's very comfortable.

It is important to note though that having that going well is not to say that the rest of my life is hunky dory.

Things are really, really hard lately. I'm in a bit of a funk, a cute way of saying I feel a bit depressed and unmotivated and am having a hard time focusing on what I need to do and am instead watching a lot of Netflix because being alone with my thoughts isn't what I want. It's so strange, because I don't have a reason, I don't think people ever do but I don't like it when my brain does it's own thing. I'm just tired a lot, and exhausted and want to sleep for about 4 months. Not in a bad way, like I don't want to be doing the living thing, I just want to be under a snuggly blanket and breathe out for awhile and let the stress go.

Tbh I spend a lot of time at baes doing just that, only because I have all those responsibilities that don't go away, I end up just more stressed when I leave or reluctant to leave cos it's like exchanging calm for stress. Bae is very good at offering no-expectations time for me to just do my own thing.

okay thats all I feel like expressing

friends good, relationship good, mental health bad, uni eh plz dont ask, work ??? but overall 6.5/10 handling life

relationships are wild

I don't even know what this post is, except I think bae and I are moving so fast, not just in terms of how we're acting, like hanging out all the time, but also in terms of feelings.

It's so strange and unlike what I thought it would be. I don't know what I expected really, but Mia hit it spot on when she told me that when you date someone, if you aren't doing anything else, you just tend to hang out with them. I thought it would just be similar to what we were like when we were FWB but it's way more.

Like, the other day bae invited a mutual over friend over for dinner at his. He just casually mentioned to me 'so see you tonight like 7' or something, which was the only hint I got that I was invited, cos he just assumed obviously as we are dating I get an automatic invite which like, I get, but also it's new for me. So he had to be like yes lucy that is how dating works. It's all new and I like it all.

Sometimes I don't go home for two or three days, at least not for more than a change of clothes. I sleep at his about two thirds of the time now. That's a lot. I like it though.

It's crazy how much I want to spend time together. He left me in bed this morning cos he's going to Canberra overnight for debating and I miss him and it's only been like 12 hours. It's like being in the Twilight Zone. Me having feelings??? Okay, that part is average, but for a boy?  Romantically? This is strange. And it's intense, I have absolutely zero chill. I look at him and think 'God I love you' all the goddamn time. Not that I say that yet, cos it's only been 2 months or whatever (9 1/2 if you count FWB time which I half do) but I think it. I'm getting so close to blurting it out. I don't know why I do exactly cos it's not like he's changed, but I just like him a fuckton and I think that's basically love? I know it's half puppy love, like, honeymoon love, not deep deep, I want to be with you forever love, but I want to touch him all the time, I always want to kiss him, for us to be skin to skin, he makes me laugh, I admire him so much and I just like arguing with him and we all know that's when I know it's real.

We don't really agree on much, all the superficial stuff we disagree, like music, movies, pop culture, fashion. He's a hipster and I'm a basic bitch basically, so we are very often dragging each other for our deeply held opinions but I think it's mostly, if not totally, in good fun. I sometimes worry that I'm not alternative enough for him, because I dress preppy and am not into going to gigs and don't want to get an undercut but we agree on the big stuff, which I have been reassured by a friend is what is what's important.

I think I realized how much I liked him when Mia pointed out to me that he's actually sort of one of a kind. Mia and I have argued for years about my high standards when it comes to romantic interests politics and values. I've made exceptions and there are people who are less intense about things that I've had feelings for but no one that I've ever dated. Bae is the only person I know who is more progressive than I am, in fact he almost constantly has me beat and which that sometimes annoys me, I also know that I never want it any different.

I don't think I'll be able to lower my standards now. I like feeling safe and sure about him, with sex but also just with my feelings. He has never not come through when I've talked him about personal things, and I've never got anxious for a second that I may not be safe with him or that he might hurt me. I mean, that's a low standard to hold guys to but that's society I guess.

I guess I'm just happy and I feel like it's moving fast, to the extent that I'm terrified of it ending suddenly, or going wrong. I like him. I like what we have. I want it to keep going. I want to go deeper. I remember when I said at the start of this, when I was convincing him we should date, 'if it isn't working out, we can just end it after a few months, no hard feelings' but I was so naive dear God. I knew about feelings in the abstract but in reality this is real truly madly deeply type stuff, how do people survive this jfc.

This whole 'you either stay together forever or you break up' dichotomy is also terrifying. We're gonna break up one day, and all of this feeling and love will be dust, that's awful. How do people have relationships, are people insane? Relationships are a trip, this is wild.

I think I sometimes underestimate how sad I am sometimes. I think it's easy to forget and a lot of the time I just tell myself one thing over and over even if it's not the truth and just try to make it my truth. Like that I'm not devastated about Lizzy. It's still like a black hole. There is no amount of light or positive feelings or hope or friendship or love that I can throw into it and make it feel okay. I don't remember what it sounded like when she laughed, like full bellied laughed. I can remember her voice and certain phrases but not that. I don't remember her singing voice. I don't remember her smell. I don't know what she would say about me today. I don't know how she would feel about the relative frequency or infrequency of her name in conversations or my rote responses, I don't know how she would feel about me using the phrase best friend to describe her. I don't know if she'd say hell yes man, you should totally sleep with this guy or if she'd warn me right off. I don't know how I'm going to hear the word cancer ever again or see a movie about death or anyone being dead without thinking of her. I don't know how I'm going to go to the beach, especially to Mollymook and not feel devastated and like I'm missing a limb. I don't know how to do that but I also don't know how to ever make her less relevant to the point that I won't consider her when decision making or when I want to tell someone something because the idea of her being irrelevant is so repulsive but it's already happened in so many respects and I'm sick of hearing Liz would love this or Liz would be so proud of you or it's exactly what she would have wanted because no one wanted this, especially Lizzy. To die and be remembered and the tragic cancer girl who left behind grief and sadness and cliches would have been her last choice.

I think of her when I wash my hair, when I listen to music, when I watch movies, when I do anything new, when I get dressed or get new clothes, when I look in the mirror, when I eat frozen meals, when I think of Hilary Duff or the Temper Trap or the Killers or Fall Out Boy or Nikki Webster or when I walk on a beach or get coffee in a cafe at breakfast time. When I hear the name Camden, or see a train or shipping truck. When I do RPM or boxing, when I think about debating, let alone actually debate or go to Tournaments. I think of her when I wait to put on makeup after getting out of the shower so my pores have time to close. When I braid my hair. When I put change back into my wallet, when I feel the sun on my skin, I think of her. I think of her when I dream about the future, when I think about my wedding, or having kids or going to Africa or climbing a mountain or sky diving because I'm changing and growing and doing all of these things that she might have never imagined me doing and six months from now I'll be older than her and ever day past that I'll have been luckier than her and that's because I'll have had the chance to keep on living and growing. In 2013 I never would have considered debating and I never would have had anyone else imagine it for me either. Now it is a huge part of my identity. I expect to have many such things come into my life over time. Each making me a more diverse, interesting person but each also making me more and more indistinguishable from the girl I was. Am.

And more than ever I mourn the person that knew me, that knew us. Our relationship, our shared memories, our... Everything, I don't know the word to describe that. Our chemistry that made us go from being cousins by blood to cousins through friendship and love and companionship. Lizzy was my mate and I miss her more than words can describe.

One piece of advice about grief that I got and remember, is that grief is like a balloon. There is a fuckton of it, like air in a balloon, but it can only be expelled in small amounts, through the mouth piece bit, which is pinched together but to let little bits out. That's like grief, no matter how much grief there is, you can only get rid of it a little bit at a time. Which sucks, kind of. You can't ever really go off the rails or drown in sobbing. You feel bad and even awful but that's the extent of it for the most part. You take a few minutes or an hour and you cry and feel hollow but you can't overwhelm yourself, your body doesn't let you. It always feels far too rational for me, like not feeling enough or it's not affecting me in near as major a way as it should, which leads to guilt and over compensation and wondering what stuff I am doing as a performance and what stuff is because I really feel it and even possibly what stuff is a performance act for myself. Is making this list of things that remind me of Liz performative?

Fuck if I know.

I feel sad and out of place about it all the time. I feel like I'm so alone in family situations, where I never was before. It's like, Liz and I together was just baseline, but now I'm always below that, I'm always less. I feel like I'm waiting for her to show up so I can stop struggling to guess what she'd think or say or how she'd act in a situation. I imagine it the way I used to imagine romantic scenarios with boys I had a crush on, where I would plot it all out and guess how they would act. I went to a wedding this weekend and I imagined what snarky comments I would say to Liz, what she would have worn, how many times she would have rolled her eyes or gotten furious. I imagine the fun we'd have had, I imagine the small talk we'd have made, the dancing we'd have done, the way she would have laughed and cringed with me about our strange, embarrassing family.

I want her take on things all the time. I don't even know if I'd have wanted her take on them before she died, back when I took it all for granted, but I do now. No one else quite fills the role. She wasn't just a friend, or a cousin, she filled such a unique spot in my life that's irreplaceable. Sometimes I wish it wasn't.

God, I just want her back, in my arms. I want to smell her hair and feel her squeezing me back. I want her laughing and angry and rolling her eyes and scowling and lecturing me, and saying, 'hey man, what's up?' and I want her adjing me and I want her to double date with me and I want her telling me about her job and giving me book recs. I just want her out there somewhere. I want her to pull a TV show plot twist and come back, admitting she faked her death because the FBI had recruited her for a top secret mission to Mars.

Nothing else is enough. Nothing is enough. No matter what good stuff I have going on, and I have so much good stuff. I feel it every day that she isn't here and I'm not being rhetorical for effect, it's true. She's on my mind all the time and it's what I want but it's also so hard. So, so hard.