So... things are going.

I suppose things are good. It's hard to judge when one facet of your life is terrible, how to judge the rest.

Obviously, the content of my previous entry continues to devastate me, but not every second of the day. Lizzy is one of my best friends and her circumstances are confusing and awful mostly because nothing is known for certain. If I knew that she was going to die 146 days from now, then I could make an action plan. If I knew she was going to get very sick but be fine, again, action plan. But as is, she could be fine, her drugs could work and I may never see her so much as cough. I can't put a probability rating on that though. Or things might be terrible or things could get suddenly bad or slowly bad or she might just announce one day that things have taken a turn for a worse and the prognosis is even more dire than it is now. But I don't know and that leaves me in a weird kind of limbo of everything being currently fine but the probability of it not being fine in the future much higher than before I  knew.

I spent the weekend with Lizzy at a debating competition in Sydney, Friday to Monday, which was excellent. I made some friends, improved as a debater, got drunk off my face repeatedly, and got to explore Sydney a bit, a city that I am really quite unfamiliar with, considering it's proximity to where I live. I really like debating, I like that I don't get nervous before speaking anymore at all. The first time I did it I was shaking like a leaf and now it's like, lets get up there and fucking destroy some logical fallacies. I'm still not great and maybe I'm not even good but I'm getting competent and confident and I know that I'm improving.

My friends lately have been weird. I was making my friend list for my birthday and I could only come up with 19 friends. And okay, I do have more, it's just that half of my closest friends are ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. But I am making more new friends than ever before and that is wonderful.

In terms of specific friends, Mia and I are being weird. Like, we're in different places mentally all the time. And okay, this isn't even a big deal but it hurt my feelings, and it wasn't awful of me because she knew I was on her phone reading her messages, but she didn't want to debate with me last week, at the first tournament we did. Her boyfriend/ president put us together and she went off at him because she'd told him specifically she wanted to be with anyone but me and he changed it so we both had different partners.

It just hurt my feelings, not because there couldn't be a reasonable explanation- like she wanted to make other friends or debate with someone with more experience- but because she didn't just tell me that she didn't want to and instead just made her boyfriend change the line up and not mention it. And I'd been begging her to be my partner for Women's but now I can't help but think, well maybe she just didn't want to go with me, and her excuses were just that, excuses. I just like people to be honest because I can never tell and later it makes me feel stupid for acting enthusiastic when the other person isn't.

I haven't talked to Jen much lately, but I've just been so busy. What I like most about Jen--well maybe not most but it's high on the list, is that I never feel insecure with her. I never feel like I don't matter or that she doesn't care about me or miss me, just as I miss her. I mean, we're both living independent lives but, to quote Kingdom Hearts cheesily, our hearts are connected. I love her, she loves me, our friendship will pick up from exactly where we left it and in the meantime, it remains a great comfort to me. As someone who has always placed far too much importance on 'how much do you love me compared to so-and-so, with Jen, I know she had other close friends, best friends, and that doesn't make me think 'well, what is my place in her life then?' because I know from my own personal experience, that I love Mia just as much before and after I met Jen. I don't love one more than the other, and I don't love Mia less than I used to. Hearts are big, they can do that shit.

Work is stressing me out lately, and it's because my boss has decided to be nit picky and overbearing, which makes me screw up more because I'm nervous from him being on my case and analysing everything I do as a tally against me. And I just don't enjoy working when he's like that, and it's more boring too because I can't listen to music or talk openly. It's just lame. But you know, money.

Other stuff is happening, but I don't really want to talk about it. Maybe next entry. Ttfn.

I feel really numb.

My cousin, who has been my best friend and almost-sister my entire life, the person who's been there for me for always, who knows everything about me and loves me regardless, she's dying.

Not for sure, but things are bad. Last entry I said the cancer was back. A week later I know the cancer has spread basically everywhere and it's Stage 4.

I've been struggling to write this entry for days because I don't know what to say. Is there anything worth saying that isn't obvious?

Someone I love very dearly is very, very sick and I'm very, very sad about it.

The future is now very uncertain, just in terms of... how my life is going to be, ten, twenty, fifty years from now. In all my stories (and real life plans), my cousin is heavily involved with my life, is Godparent to my children, and basically the one friend and confident that can't ever escape because we're related and it's pretty damn hard to step away from that. That's what is supposed to happen, that's the life path, our children are supposed to be like us, raised together, because there is very few things I'd regret more than my child not having someone as special as Lizzy to play with and know and grow up with, because it certainly is a relationship that is one of the nearest and dearest to my heart.

Obviously I also spend a great deal of time grieving for Lizzy specifically, not just the Lizzy shaped hole that I'm scared might one day exist, but the thing is, the thoughts about how this affects me-- that's the part I can work through, learn to deal with. I can never really do that with the actual Lizzy part, though of course my first priority is her and doing everything I can to make her life easier/better/happier, if I can. I can't even imagine what she's feeling or going through but I'll be spending a lot of time with her this week.

This year really is strange. It's the highest highs and the lowest lows, truly.

I can understand how some people can feel that God is punishing them for being happy, when something like this happens. That's how I feel.

See, I'm an atheist, truly, it's the only rational way I can think about religion. But even so, I'd pray every morning and night if I thought it might do any good. I might anyway, because I'm desperate and I'd never stake someone's life as collateral for my certainty that God doesn't exist. I don't know, mostly it'd just be comforting to know that is tragedy is going to occur, that there's a reason for it, a greater plan.

I'm not saying I believe that, but I'm saying it'd be nice if I did.

So yeah, that's been my life this week. Hope things are going much more smoothly for other people.

This week has been the WORST.

Okay, I'm kidding. I just worked a lot and had a lot of uni due. Like, I was at work yesterday morning, and I was stressed about getting my essay done and my Boss said something that wasn't even mean or rude, just a bit sharp, and I just felt like going home and crying, it was silly.

It's also just been a hard week because I haven't had time to see a lot of friends and I think I really miss Exeter for the student living and the social aspect. Like, I always felt weird if Jen and I didn't see each other for a day, because that's weird when you live together. But now I'm at home, I know I'm having a lot of conversations with people, especially my Mum, but it's different.

I think this term I just feel more out of place, in terms of knowing who I am and where I fit and who I want to be and what I want to do. Uni has been much more difficult than I remember but I have no motivation for it at all. I just want to be a primary school teacher. I don't know where I want to live or where I want to be after graduation. I suddenly feel like I've leveled up and soon all my friends will be graduating and getting engaged and I can't predict what lies beyond that, in that murky next stage of life especially when our life stages begin to grow more out of sync.

I'm not doubting any friendships, I just can no longer predict them.

On the opposite end of the emotional spectrum, the boy giving me butterflies continues to do so. I like to hope that I'm being very mature and rational but that fact is, he makes me smile for no reason and I know it's just because I like him.

I know that I have had crushes since you know who. Kind of. There have been a few girls that I considered myself interested in, and a guy I definitely would have slept with if he'd asked/ flirted at all, but this is different. It's like being back in high school. I mean, it would take him like 2 seconds to get into my pants which I suppose isn't very high school, but just the giddy excitement, that's high school all over.

In other bad news, actually, the worst news of all by a long shot-- the only reason I didn't write it first is I only just found out and I wrote the rest of this this afternoon, is that  my cousin, who has been battling cancer all year and was given the all clear last month, found another cancer today. So that's shit.

Fucking cancer. I'm a lot more scared this time. Last time I was on Exchange and I was worried, but it was distant and I had faith that things would turn out right. And for the most part, it was quite simple. This time, not so much. It's just not fucking fair. My cousin is the greatest. She's the most wonderful. And maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here with this, but I cannot imagine my life is she wasn't here to be in it.

Life continues to chug on, but happily.

My social life is on the up, I have organised to see most of my friends at least once a week in various timeslots, which is wonderful. I definitely feel that unless a substantial effort is put in, friendships don't stay strong. They require regular maintenence, which of course is a pleasure rather than a chore when you have lovely friends like I do. Megan and I are doing regular mental health check ins with each other which is funny. I practice my psychologist skills on her, since she can't resist my pretty face (obviously) and then she guilts me into spilling my guts back. My friend Stacey and I saw a movie tonight and are seeing 'Lucy' on Wednesday and should be doing more fitness stuff together too which is great. Jen and I just skyped so we are all caught up and things are fine there.

It can be difficult to juggle so many friendships without feeling like some get neglected, like, not talking for two weeks or something (I'm definitely guilty of that), but I think that's okay sometimes with some friendships that can just pick up where they left off. For the most part though, I'm very satisfied with the quality of my friendships right now. I'm also excited to have so many friends from a post-high school era. I've certainly gained new appreciation for the changes in my life since high school, because as much as I don't think anything is different, I know I've changed and my friendgroup has too, and it's for better, not worse, definitely :)

I've always ignored the 'college is where you meet your friends for life' quote, because I thought it was useless since I already had my friends for life in tow, but now I realise there was room for improvement and addition and my life is richer for it.

My goals for this week, and the beginning of Spring, are to work harder at fitness, uni, debating, and making closer friendships with the debating people and Jen's friends. I have a mission to become at least on aquaintence terms with Jen's best friend by the time she gets back. Like, there's no reason for us not to get on, we both love Jen and she thinks we're both great so it should work? Right?

Some cute stuff is happening, of the crush variety. This happens so rarely, it's like I don't even remember what it's like, but I feel happy, like there are possibilities and opportunities for fun ahead. Like, obviously, it's way too early to even be thinking about anything like that, we're become friends that's all, but like, why shouldn't it become more than friends if we like each other and we're both single? I'm just so happy about it and want to be able to talk about it. Thankfully the bffl is always up for a chat about my love life. She's super settled in her own and though we don't see eye to eye on this kind of stuff, she often sees stuff I don't, and thinks in a different way to me, so that can be helpful (or annoying when she's a buzzkill). I also like that it's someone she doesn't know. I feel like Stitch from Lilo and Stitch when he talks about his family, and is like 'I found it all on my own. It's little, and broken, but it's still good. Yeah, still good'. That's my love life lol. I found it all by myself, which is great for a second reason in that whenever Mia tries to 'set me up', which she doesn't, all she does it go 'you should date that guy' to some random we know at uni, she always picks people I'd have zero interest in. Bitch don't know me.

I mean, okay, obviously she does, but she does struggle with identifying people that I'd like to date.

She overemphasises the 'all Lucy cares about is feminism and sexism and equality!' thing into, Lucy needs someone that will passively accept all my opinions which I fucking hate. Like, obviously, be into equality, but if you want to argue the finer details, if you want to debate affirmative action or the wage gap or parental rights and child support and basically, any issue under the sun, that's how you make me like you. I like people that are more confident than me, not less, that more than keep up with me. I want someone who can compliment me in areas that I'm not the best at. Like, I want someone who's comfortable in social situations, to make up for my average at best social presence. I have my own strengths, I know I do, so I'm not saying I just want someone better than me in every aspect but in the area that is my worst, confidence in social settings with people I'm not intimate with, I don't want someone that will drag me down. I like going outside my comfort zone and doing new things, but I can't often do that alone. If I got with someone who hated doing that stuff, would never try and made me the one that had to be the aggressor to get us to do anything, I know I wouldn't be able to go half as far. Not to mention I'd just think less of the other person.

Basically, be reasonably intelligent and be more extraverted than me, that's the basis of what I like.

And I've found someone that had that grounding and is also turning out to be wonderful, so we'll see where that goes.

This is another post about how I have nothing to complain about because all is going well #boring

Blogging isn't easy when there isn't much to say! Things are progressing as they always do.

Everything is very satisfying, friends, work, uni etc etc. Mental health has been a bit weird but I'm making a doctors appointment and might see about getting a therapist for that. Nothing serious but if getting help fixes things better than I can do on my own, why not right? As squeamish and judgemental as I am about that stuff, it's literally the profession I've chosen so I should deal with that probably.

I had three 21st's this weekend, which was intense, but super fun! I saw a guy I used to date in high school that I've fallen out of contact with and we had a fun time catching up. I'm fine not being friends any more but there is still fondness there. I got drunk-ish at the next 21st but not as much as I'd have liked. The weather just didn't cooperate and it was cold and leeches and things so my friend and I ditched and went home early, though we stayed up until 6am talking. I haven't had a sleepover in forever, it was great. We made pancakes in the morning and got ready for our Mad Hatter's Tea Party 21st which was amazeballs. We went as Cheshire cats and it was oodles of fun, I love dress up.

Debating is going wonderfully. Exceeding all expectations, I love it and look forward to it and enjoy it immensely, so that's a new passion found. I'm glad I don't find it difficult to get excited about things, I'm already planning for the weekend competition I'll be competing in at the end of term, because why not? I'm not scared of the speaking the way I was only three weeks ago, and I think I'm improving a bit.

I've also started learning Dutch. I found this wonderful site, it's like a game. You get points and gems and stuff for getting through exercises and you have lives that get lost when you get the wrong answer and it's just this great learning tool and hopefully I stay enthusiastic and keep learning enough to hold a conversation and then I can start practising with my Dutch friends, who would be totally supportive and helpful.

My other goal for this year is to start learning guitar. Either by borrowing or buying cheaply and then seeing if I like it/ have any affinity for it through youtube tutorials. I just want to be able to play Taylor Swift songs, lets be real here. But I have the time to do all these things and I don't want to be one of those people who didn't learn an instrument or a language as a kid and think, oh well, that's never going to be me, because hold on, like, I'm 20, not on my way to the grave. The rest of my life is an awfully long time just to think 'well, I'm too old to start now'.

When I wrote my story where I got a chance to go back and fix things, I realised with shock that literally, I could have everything that I had in my story. I could have fitness and music skills and speaking skills and artistic skills and language skills and confidence. Maybe not to the incredible levels I had in my story, but I don't have to accept that my personal narrative is already set and unchangeable. I mean, I think I'm already kind of interesting, but how much more interesting could I be if I had all these skills and interests?

No one wants someone who just sits around all day, people want to be with people that are passionate and apply themselves and are willing to try new things, no matter how good or bad they are. Amy Poehler has this great quote about how great people don't wait until they're ready. Like with travel, there is never a perfect time, you just have to go and try. I know I sound really self help book right now but really, the second you start to think you're limited, you become limited. If you put in time, and work, and effort, you can do pretty much most things.

I'm optimistic tonight I guess :)

Everything is still coming up Milhouse.

I'm back working, which is good. Income of any kind is awesome, and while I have no immediate plans to travel, who knows where I'm going to want to go next year. I'm still kind of thinking of au pairing in the US and deferring for a year, but I think that one is a pipe dream.

Work is a lot of fun. Like, I'm not saying I'd do it for free, but I enjoy it. I like the work, I like the atmosphere and I like the people I work with. I've made plans to go out on Saturday night with the two girls I know best, and hopefully that happens! I'm keen to go out and I like making plans with people outside my standard group of four people that I can text any time and be like 'hang out with me'. Those are my first tier friends. Then there is a second tier which is asking politely and usually giving a day or so notice, and then there is third tier which is work friends who I want to bump up to second tier. Of note is the fact that everyone in my tier system is female. I don't really have many guy friends and none on the making plans one on one level :/ But I'm working on that! I've joined debating which is majority male and I might be able to start going in to uni for femsoc, though I doubt I'll meet any guys there, making friends is always a step towards meeting guys, because everyone knows someone else and that's how connections are made.

Also, boys are hard work and I still don't know where I sit on the 'boys and girls can be just friends' argument, at least for people whose sexualities align. On one hand, I definitely believe that men and women should be friends but I do think that most friendships do tend to have some kind of romantic/ sexual bump in the road at some point, if they are close enough.

Uni is going well, I'm doing a lot of Marketing this semester and it's really interesting thus far! I'm looking forward to this semester of mostly Commerce and only Psych stats which isn't really psychology anyway. Not because I don't like psych but it's been my primary degree for the last three semesters and I do quite well at Commerce so it'll be a different kind of term which is good. I got a 72 in Marketing Strategy in Exeter which is a First, and super exciting. I was sitting on a 70 which is still a HD equivalent but I'm glad to know I did well in the exam and must have got a 74. Hurray!

Debating

So I promised myself when I came home that I would try to bring my Exchange mindset back with me. I told myself that I would attempt to make friends, join clubs, plan fun things like activities and parties, all the stuff that I did on Exchange that makes it special. Because time is so valuable there, and everyone's looking for an extraordinary experience, fun things happen more often.

But home can be like that too, and I'm always trying to improve myself so yeah, I'm going to a debating meeting this afternoon. It took someone flat out asking me to join, plus nervous tumblr blogging about it and having five people be like DO IT, for me to really be like... okay, I will maybe go on Monday, maybe.

I'm still on the fence. I'm like 95% like, yeah, I'll go, okay. But I'm scared, I hate new people, I hate being bad at things, I hate being in new situations, that is literally the worst. Ehhhhhh.

But it won't be a new situation forever and the people won't be strangers after I meet them and wherever the meeting is, it won't be scary and I'll be cool... okay, I just need to convince myself of that.

----

I went! It was fun. I did have fun. I also had moments of 'this is the worst decision I've ever made', like, moments before I had to stand up and debate, but shaking hands aside, I'm glad I went and did it. I'm going to keep going, I'm going to try again and get better. I think if I'm going to be happy, I have to do things I'm not comfortable with. Sure, some people are natural speakers, but a lot have to work at it and they improve and gain confidence through practice.

I think it's kind of awesome that I can be terrified of public speaking but join a debating club. You don't get over things by avoiding them and I want to meet people and become better than I am now. Some of my biggest flaws are that I lack confidence when talking to people and I'm shy and quiet. That's why people take drama right? To fix that stuff. Well, this is my attempt :)