I have these strong feelings about people who try to classify others into categories.

I'm not saying I don't do it, or haven't in the past. For a long time, I believed that things like 'the popular group' actually existed and that they were just totally polar opposites to me and that we were absolutely distinct.

But especially in the last few years, and Exchange has certainly opened my eyes to it more, is that people don't fit into singular categories. Like, shows like Big Bang Theory piss me off because they make their humour out of putting people into boxes and then saying 'whoa SO DIFFERENT, totally incompatible! How hilarious that Penny is dumb and socially competent and the guys are smart and socially inept. How they clash! It just skews peoples views towards black and white thinking, and people are much more three dimensional than that.

A quote I can't find right now off Tumblr because it is quite generic in its wording, says something to the gist of, you can be the girl who has tattoos and dark eyeliner and makes boys crumble before you, and also the artist who wears long skirts and wild fashion choices, and the bookworm in a coffee shop somewhere writing on your laptop, and the girl with bright red lipstick and sundresses and the slob you are at home without make up and in ratty PJ's who gets midnight snacks and watches Millionaire Matchmaker for fun. You don't have to pick one. Be all of them.

Obviously we can't choose our personalities day to day, but it's crazy to think that a 'nerd' couldn't also like to go out dancing, or a party girl who spends half her time playing with her cat and watching Sci Fi movies, or a girl who is very shy being a competitive maniac when playing sport.A girl who loves to go out and get drunk but plans to wait until marriage before getting intimate and being hardcore dedicated to a serious relationship.  People don't need labels, because they'll just defy them.

The prettiest girls who wear a ton of makeup could be the kindest, most considerate girls you ever meet. The girl you think is super sloppy because she likes getting wasted could be really intelligent and an outspoken feminist. The guy you thought was a bit weird and awkward could be a total social genius, with heaps of friends and an absolute leader. People you think are different to you might not be as different as you think and they could be so much nicer than you imagine.

People aren't fundamentally different from one another. I truly believe it's possible to get on with anyone. Sure, some people you will click with more than others but if you just stick to the same old stuff and the same old familiar people and archetype, you are missing out, no question. It's one of the most liberating things I know.

• So this is one of those Tumblr ones where people send you the names of the flowers and you answer those questions but I'm just going to give 'em all a go, to add blogging to my procrastination list which already includes sleeping until noon, writing and editing fanfic using this site and going to the gym when I already have injuries bad enough that I can't wear shoes (I regret that decision since now it has escalated to can't walk). But yeah, on to questions.
• 
  
• Daisy:How old were you when you had your first kiss?
• Like most things, it's not particularly straight forward. When I was 10, I pashed my best friend. When I was 14 I got my first kiss-on-the-lips, but it was Truth or Dare. When I was 15 I got my first kiss that wasn't orchestrated. Pick any I suppose.
• Carnation:If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer?
• T-Swizzle or Ed Sheeran.
• Jasmine:What colour looks best on you?
• I don't really know... black looks good on everyone, I look terrible in white, blue matches my eyes, red makes me feel confident which makes anyone look better... I dunno. If I had to pick just a plain long sleeved shirt in any colour, I would go dark grey.
• Foxglove:Name three facts about your family?
• My parents' lives both revolve around playing Bridge.
• Today is my little brothers first day of Uni.
• I take after my Dad and my brother takes after my Mum.
• Allium:What's the best thing you can cook?
• I cook a mean risotto. And also crepes, I cook killer crepes.
• Orange Blossom:If you could pick the gender and appearance of your child, would you?
• Yeah I would. I know it's terrible and of course I would love any child of mine once I got to be around it and know it, but when I picture myself in the Doctor's office with ultrasound jelly all over my belly and the Doctor saying 'It's a boy', there will  be a sense of disappointment so great you would wonder if that crazy lady is even half fit to be a parent.
• I want a baby girl, at least first up. As for appearance, I mean, in theory it's like you get to create your own Sim and everyone would rather pick than randomise, but I'd love my child regardless, even if I couldn't give them purple eyes and main-character-in-an-anime hair features.
• Calla Lily:If you died right now, what song would you want to play at your funeral?
• My Heart Will Go On. And maybe The Best Day.
• Poinsettia:Favourite holiday dish?
• Hot Cross Buns!
• Oxlip:Would you ever get into a long distance relationship?
• Depends on circumstances. Like, I would if it was a limited period of time with a definite endpoint, like exchange. I don't feel like I've put distance between myself and my closest friends, so I can't imagine not being able to keep things up with an SO. Like all relationships, it would just require work. I wouldn't be able to get in a relationship with someone I met online who lived in woop woop though, because I feel like you need to have been strongly integrated in someones daily life before you can take yourself out of it.
• Primrose:Favourite kind of soup?
• Pumpkin Soup.
• Daffodil:What's the most thoughtful present you've ever received?
• Mia always does good. One she got me a bracelet engraved with a few things I love, like a lightning bolt and a bunny etc. Or that time she made me a Harry Potter style Hogwarts letter, sealed with wax and mailed anonymously. Or Megan buying me all that Taylor Swift makeup and merch right after I complimented her on her awesome eyeliner. Or the Destiel T-Shirt Mia got me, that was the greatest.
• Rose:Are you currently in love with someone?
• I can't say I really am, but when I'm drunk I do start messaging Mia declaring my love for various unnamed persons.
• Amsonia:Would you ever become a vegan?
• I can't see it. I love meat so much and cheese. And chocolate. And milk. There is literally not one thing that isn't vegan that I don't like probably.
• Peony:What's your favourites hot beverage?
• Hot Chocolate with marshmallows and cream.
• Tulip:For your birthday, what kind of cake do you ask for?
• Pavlova or cheesecake. Or just vanilla sponge with soft icing but I've never got that. There was just this one cake in primary school, it was like a metre squared, cos it was like, for half the school, and it was just good. Like a fairy sponge cake and icing that was more like cream than hard icing.
• Myrtle:Do you like going on airplanes?
• I certainly like going to places that aeroplanes take me, and I do get excited for planes, just cos clouds are so spectacular from above and cities and landing and its all good. I just hate the stress of before/after with customs and baggage and tickets and getting to the airport...
• Hibiscus:Did you ever play an instrument? If so what?
• I have this major goal of learning guitar this month, so I'm hoping that happens. I could play basic recorder as a kid and I learn violin for a few months in year 7. I was taught a few songs on piano by various people. Other than that, I have no musical talent or giftedness.
• Zinnia:Who was your best friend when you were six years old?
• Her name was Mimi, she was the most beautiful kid you'd ever seen. She was tiny, absolutely dainty with delicate features and blue eyes. She had brown hair that was always smooth and was just the sweetest girl you'd ever meet.
• Poppy:What color was your childhood home?
• Er... it was brick? Red-ish brick. Actually, I'll do you one better and find it on google maps. It was a beautiful home, my parents built it when I was a baby and it was in this massive cul-de-sac with lots of kids and was overall great.
  
• Hydrangea:Starbucks order?
• Grande hot chocolate probably! Or if you're from 'Straya like me, medium.
• Violet:Do you like where you're from?
• Where I'm from? If you mean like, what country, then sure, Australia is the greatest. Too many bogans and an asshole PM but you win some, you lose some.
• Locust:What was your favourite book as a child?
• I read vicariously as a kid, 3 books a day type reading. I'd take books home from school all the time, mostly Babysitter Club books and the like. I read for pleasure, not to strain myself. I think I advanced at around 12 to more adult reading, with TWTWB and one book that I read at 12 that stuck with me, 'People might hear you' by Robin Klein'. Even at that age, I was very excited by the idea of religious cults and had a good understanding of that book and the various characters motivations, even when the protagonist didn't. Actually, my Year 4 teachers both gave me stacks of books that year to read, and that was one of them, but as I said, I didn't read to challenge myself with difficult books with small writing so I didn't pick it up again until a year or two later.
• Like, I remember Philosophers Stone being popular in Year 2. Mimi, who wasn't particularly smart, was even reading it but I was a hipster long before my time and decided it was dumb and too mainstream for someone like me. I was 11 before I started reading Harry Potter, starting with goblet of Fire because that was what my cousin had on her when we were down the coast.
• Rhododendron:What's the scariest dream you've ever had?
• I don't remember particularly bad dreams. I was too young when I watched Amityville Horror though, and I had some trouble getting to sleep for a few nights after that. The little girl forcing the babysitter to push her fingers into the bullet wounds that murdered her, while she was locked in the closet and couldn't escape is still imagery I'd rather I didn't have.
• Queen Anne's Lace:Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents?
• I've never carved a pumpkin so if given a choice I would choose that, just to give it a go.
• Magnolia:Favourite kind of candy?
• Galaxy Bars.
• Aster:Would you rather be cold or hot?
• Hot, but cold is growing on me.
• Marigold:Do you listen to what's on the radio?
• I sure do. Pop music is my jam.
• Heliconia:Do you like when it rains?
• I live in England -.- But no, in case that needs to be made more explicit, I do not. I like sun and hot weather and rain, whether pouring or drizzle, sucks ass.
• Azalea:What's a movie you cried while watching?
• What, like this week? Because I cried during a 10 minute ad on bullying... I don't know, I'm trying to think of one that I know will make me cry every time... oh, My Sisters Keeper.
• Dandelion:Do you think you're important?

Yeah, as much as anyone else is, and I think we are all decently important. Everyone has an incredible agency to chase happiness and I think that's amazing and deserves something.

So like normally when I post 'okay I'm drunk right now' I do it when I've had a couple of drinks but I'm actually totally sober because I like feeling cool, not that drinking makes you cool, but it makes me feel like I'm actually going out with friends and being sociable which I suppose is 'cool' but tonight I am actually drunk. Like, well and truly, like you know who could tell me he never wants to talk to me again, that I'm a fucking slut and my obsession with him is creepy and totally inappropriate and I just would not give a FUCK. Like, all I want to do is DANCE except Arena closes at 2:30 like WHAT THE FUCK, that's so early. For the first time, I am just the right amount drunk that I want to go until 5am, I want to dance all night, I want to kiss 100 guys, and 100 girls. I want to hug everyone I know, I want to not give a fuck forever.

I never get this drunk. I always either am 90% sober after like 5 drinks and I just fucking give up or I overdo it and just go to sleep but tonight I started drinking about 9:30, and I just had some of Jen's Smirnoff, which tasted great, like Lemonade except alcoholic, and we played Kings Cup, as always, and I am glad I didn't get the last king, because it was a mix of red wine (the most disgusting substance on earth) and beer and cider. And then the last card had to have a shot of 'cupboard rum' as we call it, which is DISGUSTING like, it's so terrible but Olivia got that, and then the second Kings Cup I got and it's my first Kings Cup and I'd already had a few cups of cruiser and cider and the Cup had fridge wine and bear and cider in it I think, but it was fine, I had water for a chaser and everyone was impressed I got it down in 4 swallows. So I felt a teeny bit buzzed but I have tolerance like whoa so when we left for Arena I was still awkward and bad but it's saturday so 3pound entry (you always have to pay in England, no matter what day) but cheap drinks. Like, instead of $10 at home for a jager bomb, it was 1.50 pounds, so I had like 5. I don't remember exactly. In the beginning you have to be polite and go up with a group and you all get a drink and you CHEERS and skull it, but by the end, because the drunker you get, the less you give a fuck, I just started going up by myself and getting more. And at one point a girl came up to me and offered me an almost full bottle of cruiser and I was confused but she said in my ear that her friend just was too drunk to have it so I was like, sure, thanks. And it's not like I don't know, stranger danger and don't drink things you didn't see being made but it was a girl giving it to me, she wasn't following me or having any further contact with me, so why would she roofie me and I TOLD Jen to look out for me in case, which she did, but I was fine obviously. Free drink! Perhaps I will feel differently when I'm sober but it just felt like a risk I was okay with, like it just made sense that what she was saying was legit and I'm cheap.

Mia said not to, but fuck her, she's in Australia and I am here, partying and dancing and I am so HAPPY right now, like I feel so content and like, she isn't going to know what hit her when I return, I'm just going to be so confident and I will go out more and I will drink and talk and laugh and she's just going to be like 'where is my best friend gone, who is shy and terrible?' and I will just laugh at her because I am LEARNING to be better, and my limits and that dancing is just fun and that drinking makes it so, so great and it just makes you lose all self consciousness. By the end, I was just giggling and having so much fun, I didn't want to leave.

Simon was protecting us from all the creeps, and while I was on the lookout for hot guys to kiss, I was fine with not seeing anyone. My room is such as mess and while I do long to be on the wall of shame and being a 'citizen of Sexeter', I can wait until my room is clean and I find someone I really like (at least like the look of) because I was just asking myself 'do I really want his dick in me' and the answer was very much no.

By the end, I just had so much fun dancing. Like, I got to the point where I wasn't thinking  about it, I just did whatever fucking came to mind, and I danced with all the girls, even though most of them I still feel like I am not on the personal level with yet- when I am sober.

Jen is, because she spends more time with them at Uni when I don't, so I haven't made these connections yet but I really want to and I was kind of anxious about it, but now I just feel like I need to keep going out and being sociable and it will happen. And like, they are actually great and funny and fun, and they have Tumblr and are feminists and while I wouldn't be friends with them at home necessarily, I love that they are different to me but I am realising I can be friends with more than just people who are like me 100%. There is more to life than that.

God, I just want to DANCE. I want to not be home, I want to still be at the club, dancing my ass off.

Fucking England, with their weird ass club culture of closing early.

I just feel super loose, like my ears are ringing but my body just has that slight disconnect, like when I roll my legs to one side they just go, and sway, and I'm just like 'yeah, fuck yeah, don't tell me I'm making bad decisions Mia, I'm awesome and I'm being safe, I am, especially after what happened, like I would do anything to put myself in a vulnerable position, and I have a group of friends who come looking for me when I go the bathroom and don't tell them, they won't let me go fucking off with someone unless I give them an explicit and enthusiastic yes.

They always say you don't know how drunk you are until you go the bathroom and it's the truest saying there is. Like, on the dancefloor, you just move and you can't really tell that you are drunk, because it's so loud and you are just moving, but as soon as you are alone and in a small space where you are still, it's just like 'fuck it, I'm drunk' or not-- which is when you go get another drink.

Fuck.

I have a Skype date with my Dad at 10am tomorrow. It's the first time since I got here, and I won't miss it for the world but it's already 3:30am. I think another glass of water is in order but I had like 6 Jagerbombs and they literally are 3/4 Red Bull so I am hyped.

Just want to run and move.

Maybe I should go out now. Just go outside and run and run and run.

No, that's a fucking bad drunk idea. I could go make a pizza? NO FUCKING BAD IDEA, WHAT THE HELL. At least I can tell it's all caused by my drunk mind. Not saying it's not tempting but.

I swear a lot more when I'm buzzed. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I just like it, it's like 'um', I just use it to fill in the blanks. Like, when on the hunt for a hard to find word, I'm just like 'yeah, she's fuckin'... fucking... fucking...' until I find it in my vocab somewhere hiding.

And I know some people think it's embarrassing to showcase being drunk, because it's like being stupid, but it's not. Like, I could put on my critical thinking cap and go alright, but it's quite a worthwhile trade off, just this feeling of confidence and contentment and enthusiasm.

I like it.

When I write, I tend to have two tried-and-tested methods. Or three, if you count blogging. But it's how I deal with emotions; whether about my life or purely fandom feels or I just have a line of dialogue or a sense of a scene, a turning point of a relationship...

Mostly I just plain old write from life. AUs of my life. That suits me well, because my biggest challenge as a writer is producing dialogue in character. I KNOW when other people do it wrong, I am totally sensitive to it, but I can't manage to do better myself.

So I write what I know.  I get to be my protagonist, and depending on what I need - antagonist/ love interest/foil/ whatever, I just use you-know-who. Maybe I don't write him realistically always,  after all, I need him to fit all the bizarre and fucked up universes I create, but I always find it easy to write words for him and imagine them in his tone of voice for realism.

So that's the first method. The other set of characters I use, who have dialogue that flows for me is Ellie/ Homer from TWTWB. But the more I consider it, the more I find it's because they are the same damn personality/ characters as you-know-who and I. The dynamic is so similar. And I'm not sure which way the influence goes. Do I write Ellie based on me or me based on her? Is the differences between fictional and real you-know-who the bits based on Homer Yannos? It's odd.

Homer and Ellie were one of my first ships.  He's just a badass, the only real match for Ellie.  And even if she never fully realised it or accepted it herself, she loved him a fuck ton. This passage is one I love, and I just got up to this point when I started this post so here, have it.

"Homer rose up out of the ruck.  It was one of the most awesome things I've ever seen.  He had blood all over his face and his hair was red with it.  But he towered above them. All he needed was a torch in his hand to be the Statue of Liberty. He threw two more guys off,  one in each direction: just threw them like they were stuffed toys. A man came at him and Homer head-butted him with a dull thunk, like a breaking watermelon. He headed for the door again, kicking people clear with every step.  I fought desperately to get rid of the guys holding me but I wasn't as strong as Homer,  and they gripped my wrists so hard their hands felt like steel bands. A bloke jumped on Homer's back and tried to ride him down to the ground. He managed to get his hands around Homer's throat to pull his head back. With his huge paws Homer started ripping the hands off his throat, but in doing that he tipped backwards, and two young blokes realised they had a good chance at last. They dove in simultaneously at his stomach and down he went again. This time he didn't come up.
I saw a couple of boots go in and some fists fly, but the next time I even had a glimpse of him was five minutes later when they started standing up and counting their own bruises. First I could see Homer's legs, and then one arm. Inside I was feeling hysterical but no way was I going to give them  the satisfaction of knowing that. I had no idea if he was alive or dead.
When I did see his face I realised at the same time that he had been neatly trussed up; his arms and legs tied behind him, like a sheep in the back of a ute. But I wasn't very interested in that. All I wanted was to see his eyes, for any sign of life.  But his eyes were closed and his head had rolled to one side.
I mightn't ever know a more terrible feeling than the one I had then. I felt a bomb had gone off inside me. It was like my heart had been ripped in half in the middle of my chest. I seriously thought I was having a heart attack.  I couldn't get my breath, and the pain only seemed to grow all the time. The only way I could get relief was to see Homer's eyes open. I was dimly aware of Gavin on the other side of Homer, being held by two men,  and across to my left Fi was also held by someone. But I had no real interest in them, just a terrible all-consuming desire to throw myself onto Homer's blood-covered body  and breathe life back into him."

If I wasn't on my phone (yes I just typed that all out on my phone), I would place the "That's love, bitch" gif here.

I so wish they ended up together but what I like is that Ellie's story never gets wrapped up in an epilogue like Katniss's in Hunger Games, or all the endgame ships in Harry Potter. The end of the Tomorrow series is her saying about Homer something like 'I think I like him a little too much, but we'll have to work out what the next stage of our relationship will be' and saying that she thought her and Lee (her on/off boyfriend/lover were over. But then at the end of the Ellie Chronicles, Ellie realised she was still in love with Lee, though Homer was now very much in love with her.

It's realistic that things change, and a happily ever after isn't guaranteed and I like to think that in different circumstances they could have been happy and very compatible together. Like Tony and Kate in NCIS.

Oh my god, I really was thinking about Ellie and Homer only just then, but I can't believe I compared them to Tony and Kate, yet another fictional couple that you-know-who and I had been compared to.

I guess it's a popular dynamic and unfortunately the dynamic I am attracted to in real life is also the one I like in fiction, therefore the crossover... too bad it's never an endgame though. At least I wasn't shot in the head by a sniper.

In other news relating to my actual life, and not just musing about relationships that I don't have, I spent my morning (as I have no computer now) cleaning the flat and my room. It took all morning but I watched Planet of the Apes while I did most of it so I enjoyed myself and now, I give thanks to God and also Jesus that it sparked Jen and Julia into making a cleaning roster. We all have one week that we are responsible for everything and my week consists of only today because it's Saturday of Week 6 and I did everything except the oven and the insides of cupboards. I like living in a clean flat though, it's just nicer all around.

Then Simon and I went out shoe shopping and he hates clothes shopping so he asked me to join. I got a new pair of boots that I think will be waterproof (please God) and we got tickets for a gig/show tonight which will be fun hopefully? I mean I'm not really a live music person but Lucy 2.0 means I do things that could be fun and make me look cultured.

Getting philosophical

I feel like I am a little kid who's fallen over and just burst into tears because of the shock and indignity of feeling hurt for the first time.

My heart just hurts.

I deal with sad things. Today I found out that about 6 grand I was expecting (and counting on, to be honest) is in fact not happening. And that sucks, but I know how to be pragmatic about it.

But I'm such a child about fairness. I think teenagers are particularly prone to these types of tantrums, because they are transitioning from childhood where fairness does (for the most part) exist. Then teenagers realise how shitty the world is and that's why depression and anxiety and anger are so prominent in that age bracket, because they realise that things are not fair and it's pretty hopeless but are too idealistic to just accept it.

They rage and burn and cry and eventually the world makes us all pragmatists and cynics and that's the cycle of fair.

I thought I'd outgrown it mostly. I thought now I was ok with the fact that some people just start life with more opportunities, or get lucky with friends or parents or talents or money and I had accepted what I had, and was grateful for it. I'd stopped being anxious that other people might be using their time more gracefully, that their lives were fully, that I was wasting the one thing, one thing, I'd be given-- life. I panicked, that it had to be the best. If I ever lost, I was wasting opportunity. Any thing that goes wrong takes away from my life, from my perfect score, my perfect opportunity.

I don't know if other people think about it like that. I want to do everything, have every opportunity. It's like, people might say, pfft 'life is short'? It's the longest thing there is.' but that is bullshit. Just because each person only gets one, doesn't mean it's enough time to do everything offered. I want to see every place, explore every town, meet every person, visit every church and castle, live a year in every country there is, have one true love-- but also experience every kind of relationship, sleep with many different types of people, have many different loves. I want to experience life as thin, I want to explore it as hot, I want to fall deep into a passionate love affair and I want to be Prime Minister and a pop star and I want to be a musician and paint in Venice and learn guitar and never ever do I want to feel fear or terror or hatred or grief and any time I feel one of those things or don't get to go along a branch in the tree diagram of life, I feel like I am missing out, that I am doing something wrong.

Jesus, how could I have missed it? It's entitlement. The curse of the 20 year olds. No one could be more self absorbed than us. It's always all about us, and our needs and wants, and being an upper middle class white girl with a much greater than average IQ and ego, I have enough privilege that my life expectations soar. I never decided I didn't want to be an astronaut because I didn't think I could do it, I just decided I didn't want to risk my life by blowing up. I still don't know what I can't do, if I put my mind to it. I could be Prime Minister. I'll have to work at it, and there are addendums to what I'd need to do, but I don't think I couldn't succeed.

That's what growing up in a family where we are told anything is possible and you never run into a roadblock bad enough to shake the belief. Like, even with feminist and discrimination against women and earning 77c, that pisses me off but I don't think it affects me. I'm in the top few percentiles, whatever I end up doing, I expect to end up on the top end of the bell curve.

Maybe I just hit my first roadblock.

I suppose I am protective of my friends lives the same way I am towards my own. If something terrible happens to them, I am crushed with the same sense of helplessness that their life in irrevocably damaged and that makes me bitter.

One day I hope to become wiser about these things, and gain a sense of peace about things not going 'right'. Like, taoism-- the idea is that there is no right way. Things happen and the world just adjusts to that, it's not wrong, it's just reality.

For now though, I am still reeling and angry and scared even, that now that it has happened to someone else, what is to stop it from happening to me? What's going to tear my life to shreds, now that I know there is nothing to stop it. Tragedy can't be stopped or anticipated.

Tomorrow I could be diagnosed with cancer. Tomorrow my Dad could have a heart attack and I leave my exchange for his funeral. Tomorrow I could be in a natural disaster and lose everything I own. Tomorrow a friend could be in a bank that gets robbed at gunpoint and shot dead. Tomorrow I could be in a terrorist attack and die. Tomorrow I could be raped and have to deal with flashbacks, nightmares and depression for the rest of my life. I could be murdered, the world could end, I could fall and break a bone. I could get brain damaged, my soul mate may die in a freak accident. War may break out and I spend the rest of my life in a war zone. I could slip in the shower, breaking my back and leaving me a quadriplegic.

It's scary and no way to live, anticipating those things. But I can't stop feeling that way, not yet. I just haven't found a way to feel safe in a world full of tragedy that I am not separated from.

I understand why people believe in God and an afterlife, that suffering be rewarded and justice dealt out, that tragedy always has meaning. To me, if there is an eternal afterlife, how does this life matter? But if it doesn't (and I believe that), then this life is all that matters.

Though for the sake of honesty, I am willing to be wrong because while there are consequences to denying a God if it exists, there isn't for being a believer and being wrong at least not beyond hypocrisy. So purely in a sense of pragmatism, I say a prayer now and then.

A gift from me to you

I just added a whole lot of music to my iTunes so obviously I have to share the best here. I've been feeling very upset the last few days after being told something which splintered my entire optimistic view of life and people. I mean, I complain about society and the horrors that feminism sets itself against but it was theoretical for the most part. Statistics were just statistics and it wasn't real to me. I thought it was but I was wrong.
After a lot of tears and serious conversations I've come through an intense reevaluation of my 'reality'. I'm no longer declaring that people are just shit and terrible and evil, I don't really believe that, because my default will always be to believe the best in people, however this event (which, calm down guys, did not happen to me), has represented a serious loss of innocence for my world view and I am dealing with it, amongst other things, through music.

You guys are fucking welcome.

Things are still sweet here.

It's so hard to blog when I'm content. Blogging is for moods of anxiety, anger, sadness and exhilaration, whereas I'm just riding a high of general excitement and pleasure for being overseas and the possibilities in every day and the anxieties, while present, are very low and not of the kind that blogging is fun for.

But I want to record things, I want to have something amazing to look back on that I wrote while I was here. Because I send so many postcards and letters home, in a way, it's like I'm blogging multiple times a week, only I don't get to keep the posts, which defies the point. I am loving recieving letters and postcards. Nothing makes my heart swell more than reading a postcard from a friend or family member and seeing 'miss you, lots of love, ___ xx'. Especially since one of my best friends can barely write but still managed a full page of text written over a week to send to me, getting her boyfriend, parents and brother to add messages as well. I still get warm and fuzzy thinking about it.

Some people like in person conversation, but to me, what people put into words, letters, texts, speeches, stories, that tells me just as much about a person and what they say about me, means heaps. Like, every 'love you' and 'miss you' gets stored up in my heart, and the best thing is I have a wall building up that's just going to be covered with postcards so I always can reread them and be sure. Like, my best friend Mia gave me a set of letters that she wrote the night I left for me to open at different points, like on the plane, when I miss her, when I'm uninspired, when I feel unattractive, when I miss Australia, when it's 3am and I need to finish an assignment, when she's not online and I need her, in case of panic attack... and every one (I've opened 3 so far) is just so sweet (if 'suck it up, what do you expect me to do from the other side of the world?' can be sweet), and I just cherish them. Mia is a gem.

I always get most insecure about her, like rationally I know she loves me and I'm her bffl and being over here doesn't change anything, but I miss her and if we don't talk, I'm like 'oh my god, she's forgotten me, she's ignoring me, she doesn't care about me'. It's crazy. Megan I just know we are cool, because she lets me express it. Like, Mia is 'no chick flick moments' but Megan would let me be like 'I love you so much I want to die, never ever leave me, you mean more to me than my family, I want to talk every day and I would hug you forever' and when I was done, would say 'I love you too.'

I had the laziest weekend here, we were GOING to do things but instead I finished my mega-marathon of 6 seasons of Castle in 2 weeks. Jen and I hosted an amazing dinner in our flat, and tonight I made crepes with banana and nutella and gave them to my flatmates and we have made two batches of chocolate crackles which we take upstairs with us when we go to the other friends' flat for parties/ predrinks. Last night we were going to go out to karaoke (just for the funsies) but ended up just going to the co op and buying 2L bottles of cider each and drinking those at home while playing Cards Verses Humanity (I won!!). We started to make it into a drinking game but for the most part, people just drank because they wanted to.

We've all been chatting to people on Tinder, Jen now practically has a boyfriend here because of it, and I need to step up my game but sometimes I just can't be fucked chatting to people and trying to flirt. Especially with girls, I get nervous and don't want to. But at the same time, I really need a date. Though we have a really great Valentines planned, we are going to have such a fun time :) We have our playlist planned, both Olivia and I are having friends over from home, we're going to go out, have awesome food and I am excited :)

I do so little uni work, I'm terrible but also I don't care, I'm in the UK.