So for the last month, I have been thinking a lot about the sex/virginity thing.
Obviously it's dumb to hold one specific type of sexual act up as particularly special and novel, like it has some specific meaning and intimacy that nothing else does and that how and when you do it actually says something about who you are as a person and the value that you have. Firstly, just because it's arbitrary as fuck. Secondly, because I know that it's a concept invented by men hellbent on controlling women and any shame and stigma attached are directly linked to that.
Obviously I've internalised some pretty shady stuff that makes me want to please old, white men by being 'good', even though obviously rationally there's nothing I'd love more than to stick it to those people by being subversive (I'm not very good at being bad tbh). If I could chuck out all expectations and valuation attached to penetrative sex, I would. It's very irritating to me that the ideas and values I have surrounding what I think it's supposed to mean don't detach easily, despite reason.
But anyway, like a month and a bit ago when this FWB thing started, I kind of approached it with a 'I am still kind of a virgin and I want to make sure I make the right choices' attitude. And I totally communicated that and it was totally fine with them, it's all on my schedule and what I need to make it work for me, and so I've been racking my brains ever since then trying and trying to work out exactly what I actually need so that we can make it happen.
It's been very frustrating.
I've written like a million lists and mind maps (you really cannot imagine all the mind maps) and tried to sort myself out with like 100 hours of emotional leg work trying to sort out in my head what my hesitations are. Spoiler alert, there were many of them, some rational, many irrational, all relevant in my considerations. Obviously my goal is to make a decision that I'm happy with, that I feel comfortable with, that I'll be pleased with afterwards and for the rest of my life theoretically. So I had to assess whether I was making a choice for good reasons, not for reasons of grief or sadness or wanting to force intimacy, or for reasons about making myself feel validated or sexy or whatever. I had to make sure I was happy to lose it to someone who I don't love or am in a relationship with. I had to make sure it was to someone I was really attracted to, and that meant dealing with the LucySexualCrisisof2k15 aka this is the year Lucy is into girls no exceptions, so I had to check in and make sure guys still get me hot. Being bisexual is a never ending road of bewildering attraction.
And so then it became about lots of other considerations that were more practical. Firstly, contraception obvi. And where. And when. And finalllllllllllllyyyyyy I've worked out what I want.
Because before I told him, I need to be wined and dined. And I think I kind of had this idea that even though we're obviously not a couple or romantically involved, this one time it had to feel like that in order for it to feel okay. Even at the time I realised that was pushing it and super awkward, but I didn't know what else it was that I wanted. I didn't want it to be nothing, I strive to make things idyllic because I'm kind of a massive idealist. And so I said that was what I wanted and he was like, yeah that's fine (even though I don't think it really is, he probs should of shut me down). I don't want to feel like I'm aspiring for girlfriend levels of grandeur. I honestly, truly am not interested in him as more than a friend. We're too different. Instead, what we have is a pretty good friendship. The kind that doesn't rely on agreeing on everything and enjoying all the same things the way you need to in a best-friendship or relationship, where you have to be really compatible and agree with their major life choices. When you are just friends with someone, you can step back and be like, well I don't agree with what you're doing on that thing and that one part of your life is of no interest to me but it doesn't matter because when we hang out, we have fun and that's kind of all that matters with our level of investment.
That's what this is like. We're good friends with some shared interests i.e. debating and we're super on the same page regarding most major values and social justice issues. That's enough that we have trust, we care that the other is happy and their needs are being met and that good outcomes occur for not just ourselves but each other. That's what you need for FWB in my opinion. We're close enough that trust and companionship is there, but it's not likely to develop into feelings.But, there's no reason to test that and try to slot any romance goals in there. That's not the need that he is there to fulfill, it'd be super weird to want that and I actually don't so???
So, I kept thinking and thinking and thinking, how can I make this sex thing happen, where I get an outcome where I feel really, really intimate and positive, and can say I did it in a meaningful way with someone who meant something to me and that felt symbolic of greater things than the first time I allow someone to mash their genitals into mine.
And today, I finally found an answer. I've actually written this whole explanatory post just to get to this conclusion and see if it makes sense.
Firstly, the idea was that I needed to feel intimate. How do you feel intimate with a friend in a way that isn't romantic? You find something that is meaningful to you and that you want to share with them, and you do it. One of the major reasons that this person and I got close this year is because he was really there for me when Liz died. He was actually the best and I have really strong and vivid memories of him comforting me and making me feel like he really understood and empathised with what I was going through and was hurting too.
Segue but when I was 15 I wrote this story. In it basically everyone was dead, except for me and this guy and in this story, I choose to have sex with this person and I basically have the exact same dilemma, how do I make this meaningful and satisfying? What I do in the story is I took him down to this beach that Liz and I used to go to every year, on our first night of the holidays before sunset, where there was this big rock, like, massive, 6 metres tall. And every time we would climb it, and we'd just sit and catch up and look out at the waves and dare each other to stand up which was super scary because we were kind of high and there was always the sea breeze. In the story I use the standing up on the rock as a metaphor for bravery and learning to let go and the whole talking about our lives and memories and families a way of forming intimacy that isn't necessarily about romance but about shared understanding.
This quote is kind of on point.
I mean, it's just a story but it did actually spark my idea in conjunction with me thinking that I really wanted to go visit Liz sometime soon. Take flowers to her grave and talk for awhile, you know. I think maybe if I take him with me, get takeaway for dinner and then come back to my place and everything is clean and I look pretty, that's what I want and I'm pretty sure that's something that I can get.
I know obviously that a cemetery date isn't exactly sexy, but you know what turns me on, more than dicks do? People who loved the people that I love, and people that love Liz. People that understand who I am, right at my core and that who I am is because of who she was to me.
I don't think asking for it to go down this way will exert any hardship for the boy, I don't think it is at all romantic, at least not more romantic that hanging out with someone in a meaningful way that you are going to have sex with later ever can be. It's still a weird question, what is the difference between friends that sleep together and a couple, beyond intention? Something to philosophise on.
I am very pleasantly surprised that just working out a way to do this, actually removed a lot of the extraneous concerns that I had about whether or not I wanted to do it. I feel like part of me was at the point of, maybe you should just NEVER do it, its never going to be good enough, and another was like, just get the fuck over yourself and do it next time you see him, who cares if it is meaningful or remarkable. Now I know what I want and if I can just manage to communicate it to him then we should be all g, unless I'm missing something obvious. If I am, I'm sure he'll let me know.
Lucy out, hope you enjoyed my latest TMI into the overthinking that goes into my sex life.
-----
So...... I did it. Fist bumps all round.
And I did it just how I wanted it basically in terms of the lead up. We went to see Liz, went to see a movie, had dinner at my house and then netflix-ed and chilled. Voila.
The overall experience was like 6.5/10, will try again. I mean, it hurt a bunch and some of it was somewhere between pain sensation and just outright nerve sensation and I was like, I don't know if I like this, part of me kind of wants to say stop but it wasn't at all traumatic or anything and I know it's all uphill from here. Even though some of it just felt so dumb and silly, I'm glad sex is a thing.
In terms of regrets, I can't say that I have any. And I'm not freaking out or catching feelings or needing reassurance, it's just like... okay so now I've done that, well done me. My friends and I have a Summer Bucket List with 106 sex items on it so far, and I have a lot to tick off ;) My friends and I are also way too kinky for our own good, we were looking for inspiration for items online and were basically like 'TOO VANILLA, TOO VANILLA, TOO VANILLA, errrrrrrrrppppppppppppp'. So our lists have a lot of really out there stuff on them. But me and the FWB are totes up for most of them so I'm gonna win the summer challenge for sure.
I had to leave really early this morning for volunteering which was lame so now I really need a nanny nap and at some point i assume I'll talk to the bae and make sure we're chill. I mean, I'm sure we are, and like, I kissed him goodbye and stuff when I left (he was still sleeping in) but I wish he'd checked in. Even Nathan, the fuckboy one night stand texted me all the day after to make sure I was good.
I mean, I am good. But i would still appreciate a debrief now that it's the light of day :)
Obviously it's dumb to hold one specific type of sexual act up as particularly special and novel, like it has some specific meaning and intimacy that nothing else does and that how and when you do it actually says something about who you are as a person and the value that you have. Firstly, just because it's arbitrary as fuck. Secondly, because I know that it's a concept invented by men hellbent on controlling women and any shame and stigma attached are directly linked to that.
Obviously I've internalised some pretty shady stuff that makes me want to please old, white men by being 'good', even though obviously rationally there's nothing I'd love more than to stick it to those people by being subversive (I'm not very good at being bad tbh). If I could chuck out all expectations and valuation attached to penetrative sex, I would. It's very irritating to me that the ideas and values I have surrounding what I think it's supposed to mean don't detach easily, despite reason.
But anyway, like a month and a bit ago when this FWB thing started, I kind of approached it with a 'I am still kind of a virgin and I want to make sure I make the right choices' attitude. And I totally communicated that and it was totally fine with them, it's all on my schedule and what I need to make it work for me, and so I've been racking my brains ever since then trying and trying to work out exactly what I actually need so that we can make it happen.
It's been very frustrating.
I've written like a million lists and mind maps (you really cannot imagine all the mind maps) and tried to sort myself out with like 100 hours of emotional leg work trying to sort out in my head what my hesitations are. Spoiler alert, there were many of them, some rational, many irrational, all relevant in my considerations. Obviously my goal is to make a decision that I'm happy with, that I feel comfortable with, that I'll be pleased with afterwards and for the rest of my life theoretically. So I had to assess whether I was making a choice for good reasons, not for reasons of grief or sadness or wanting to force intimacy, or for reasons about making myself feel validated or sexy or whatever. I had to make sure I was happy to lose it to someone who I don't love or am in a relationship with. I had to make sure it was to someone I was really attracted to, and that meant dealing with the LucySexualCrisisof2k15 aka this is the year Lucy is into girls no exceptions, so I had to check in and make sure guys still get me hot. Being bisexual is a never ending road of bewildering attraction.
And so then it became about lots of other considerations that were more practical. Firstly, contraception obvi. And where. And when. And finalllllllllllllyyyyyy I've worked out what I want.
Because before I told him, I need to be wined and dined. And I think I kind of had this idea that even though we're obviously not a couple or romantically involved, this one time it had to feel like that in order for it to feel okay. Even at the time I realised that was pushing it and super awkward, but I didn't know what else it was that I wanted. I didn't want it to be nothing, I strive to make things idyllic because I'm kind of a massive idealist. And so I said that was what I wanted and he was like, yeah that's fine (even though I don't think it really is, he probs should of shut me down). I don't want to feel like I'm aspiring for girlfriend levels of grandeur. I honestly, truly am not interested in him as more than a friend. We're too different. Instead, what we have is a pretty good friendship. The kind that doesn't rely on agreeing on everything and enjoying all the same things the way you need to in a best-friendship or relationship, where you have to be really compatible and agree with their major life choices. When you are just friends with someone, you can step back and be like, well I don't agree with what you're doing on that thing and that one part of your life is of no interest to me but it doesn't matter because when we hang out, we have fun and that's kind of all that matters with our level of investment.
That's what this is like. We're good friends with some shared interests i.e. debating and we're super on the same page regarding most major values and social justice issues. That's enough that we have trust, we care that the other is happy and their needs are being met and that good outcomes occur for not just ourselves but each other. That's what you need for FWB in my opinion. We're close enough that trust and companionship is there, but it's not likely to develop into feelings.But, there's no reason to test that and try to slot any romance goals in there. That's not the need that he is there to fulfill, it'd be super weird to want that and I actually don't so???
So, I kept thinking and thinking and thinking, how can I make this sex thing happen, where I get an outcome where I feel really, really intimate and positive, and can say I did it in a meaningful way with someone who meant something to me and that felt symbolic of greater things than the first time I allow someone to mash their genitals into mine.
And today, I finally found an answer. I've actually written this whole explanatory post just to get to this conclusion and see if it makes sense.
Firstly, the idea was that I needed to feel intimate. How do you feel intimate with a friend in a way that isn't romantic? You find something that is meaningful to you and that you want to share with them, and you do it. One of the major reasons that this person and I got close this year is because he was really there for me when Liz died. He was actually the best and I have really strong and vivid memories of him comforting me and making me feel like he really understood and empathised with what I was going through and was hurting too.
Segue but when I was 15 I wrote this story. In it basically everyone was dead, except for me and this guy and in this story, I choose to have sex with this person and I basically have the exact same dilemma, how do I make this meaningful and satisfying? What I do in the story is I took him down to this beach that Liz and I used to go to every year, on our first night of the holidays before sunset, where there was this big rock, like, massive, 6 metres tall. And every time we would climb it, and we'd just sit and catch up and look out at the waves and dare each other to stand up which was super scary because we were kind of high and there was always the sea breeze. In the story I use the standing up on the rock as a metaphor for bravery and learning to let go and the whole talking about our lives and memories and families a way of forming intimacy that isn't necessarily about romance but about shared understanding.
This quote is kind of on point.
Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.I always feel like this, but nothing makes me feel less alone and more satisfied than when I feel someone actually does get it, or is trying to get it or at least has some understanding of what matters to me and what I'm built from. My fifteen year old self was on point, she knew what she wanted then and it's actually almost the same as what I want now.
I mean, it's just a story but it did actually spark my idea in conjunction with me thinking that I really wanted to go visit Liz sometime soon. Take flowers to her grave and talk for awhile, you know. I think maybe if I take him with me, get takeaway for dinner and then come back to my place and everything is clean and I look pretty, that's what I want and I'm pretty sure that's something that I can get.
I know obviously that a cemetery date isn't exactly sexy, but you know what turns me on, more than dicks do? People who loved the people that I love, and people that love Liz. People that understand who I am, right at my core and that who I am is because of who she was to me.
I don't think asking for it to go down this way will exert any hardship for the boy, I don't think it is at all romantic, at least not more romantic that hanging out with someone in a meaningful way that you are going to have sex with later ever can be. It's still a weird question, what is the difference between friends that sleep together and a couple, beyond intention? Something to philosophise on.
I am very pleasantly surprised that just working out a way to do this, actually removed a lot of the extraneous concerns that I had about whether or not I wanted to do it. I feel like part of me was at the point of, maybe you should just NEVER do it, its never going to be good enough, and another was like, just get the fuck over yourself and do it next time you see him, who cares if it is meaningful or remarkable. Now I know what I want and if I can just manage to communicate it to him then we should be all g, unless I'm missing something obvious. If I am, I'm sure he'll let me know.
Lucy out, hope you enjoyed my latest TMI into the overthinking that goes into my sex life.
-----
So...... I did it. Fist bumps all round.
And I did it just how I wanted it basically in terms of the lead up. We went to see Liz, went to see a movie, had dinner at my house and then netflix-ed and chilled. Voila.
The overall experience was like 6.5/10, will try again. I mean, it hurt a bunch and some of it was somewhere between pain sensation and just outright nerve sensation and I was like, I don't know if I like this, part of me kind of wants to say stop but it wasn't at all traumatic or anything and I know it's all uphill from here. Even though some of it just felt so dumb and silly, I'm glad sex is a thing.
In terms of regrets, I can't say that I have any. And I'm not freaking out or catching feelings or needing reassurance, it's just like... okay so now I've done that, well done me. My friends and I have a Summer Bucket List with 106 sex items on it so far, and I have a lot to tick off ;) My friends and I are also way too kinky for our own good, we were looking for inspiration for items online and were basically like 'TOO VANILLA, TOO VANILLA, TOO VANILLA, errrrrrrrrppppppppppppp'. So our lists have a lot of really out there stuff on them. But me and the FWB are totes up for most of them so I'm gonna win the summer challenge for sure.
I had to leave really early this morning for volunteering which was lame so now I really need a nanny nap and at some point i assume I'll talk to the bae and make sure we're chill. I mean, I'm sure we are, and like, I kissed him goodbye and stuff when I left (he was still sleeping in) but I wish he'd checked in. Even Nathan, the fuckboy one night stand texted me all the day after to make sure I was good.
I mean, I am good. But i would still appreciate a debrief now that it's the light of day :)
Having lost mine (I know, surprise surprise, but here we are :P), the only concerning thing I see here is that you have a really specific idea of what you want in your head, which may lead to disappointment. The more expectations you have in mind, the more things can potentially go wrong. Having a general idea of what you want is fine (like going to the beach beforehand), but to then have a list of particular activities to be done beforehand (laying flowers, drinking wine, talking about specific topics, etc.) means there are that many more things that might be skipped, missed, or done in a way that doesn't exactly line up the way with the way you envisioned it. Then you forever regret losing your virginity that way cos you only had one chance to do it the 'right' way, and you botched it.
ReplyDeleteWe're different people with different sexual interests, so we're obviously gonna value different things. But speaking from experience, even though I looked forward to going all the way all my life, I can't remember much at all about the first time I did it, except that I didn't really know what I was doing, and that it was kinda awkward because of that. I can certainly remember times *after* that which were pretty amazing for their own reasons, but the first time we went to 4th base doesn't stand out to me. It was just another development for me, I guess (albeit one that certainly enabled some sweet memories afterwards). That's not to say that it was bad (cos it wasn't), or that I regret anything (cos I don't), but even though I also saw penetrative sex significantly more intense, it wasn't as dramatic a transition as I imagined it would be.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that your first time probably won't be all it's cracked up to be, and not to get your hopes up *too* much, cos it probably won't be the kind of sex you really *want* to remember. But, even if losing your virginity isn't as memorable as you'd like it to be, the sex (and resulting memories) you can have once you know what you're doing is worth getting your virginity out of the way. I'd save creating the sexual memories for later on, when there's less at stake.
Just my 2¢, from one noob to another :P
Haha I appreciate your advice :) I defs understand that its my high expectations that are the problem, but unfortunately I am just way too much of an idealist to let them go :) I've definitely learnt in the past that I am always disappointed when I have too much expectations regarding conversations especially that when they don't go right and I don't say or do things exactly as I planned it in my head, I get all out of place about it but in this case, I think I'm just wanting a more general feeling and I think that should be easier to achieve.
DeleteAnd I know what you mean about this one thing not actually being that dramatically different to everything else, and im sure that'll be the same for me too, so regardless of how it goes, it'll matter a lot less than I think it will. I mean, tonights halloween and i'll be wearing a pretty dress so who knows, maybe that'll be enough haha
Honestly, its 95% the writer in me just being like LUCY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IF YOU CANT LOOK BACK AND DESCRIBE THE DAY USING POETIC METAPHORS WHAT IS THE GODDAMN POINT? (obviously that is not the point). The writer part of me needs to shut the hell up so the rest of me can get some, really.
Also, thumbs up to you for what sounds like a very successful and healthy sex life (and I assume relationship) (y) who knew 2015 would be the year for us hey