As I always am when I blog, I'm in emotional overload.
I don't know why exactly, but I'm hoping to unpack it right now. I don't feel like blogging, it really doesn't help me the way it used to but it is still the best way to get things out, even if it's like pulling teeth, rather than like unblocking a dam.
I went to a Debating Competition with my bffl's on-a-break boyfriend and a girl I hadn't met until today, because she's a first year, but on the UOW1 team for Easters, because she's awesome. So, she and my bffl's on-a-break boyfriend, who I am going to just call Ben because I can't write out bffls on-a-break boyfriend 5000 times, are in the same team for Easters and their third couldn't come so I went with to fill in and get practice as Third Speaker, which isn't my usual position and I was really uncomfortable with it and wouldn't get much of a chance to practice before Easters so it was a great chance in that way. Plus Ben is an amazeballs debater and we never get to debate together so it was super fun in that way. Plus all the topics ended up being feminism and LGBT and oppression of the poor/marginalized so it was exactly my kind of tournament.
Did I mention that I did amazing at Debating Trials and I made the UOW2 team?? Yaaaasssss. That might not sound impressive but we have six teams and they are ranked, 1 is the best, 2 is still competitive, and then 3, 4, 5, 6 etc.
So I've actually become decent :) The bffl is UOW4.
So, first thing is that the bffl and Ben are definitely breaking up. That's still confidential of course, but this is my confidential blog soooooo.... it's hard. I really like Ben, I respect him and want to be closer friends, I think I always kind of have, but in the last six months especially, and now I don't know what's going to happen there.
I'm not allowed to mention any feelings I have about the break up to the bffl, which is fair enough I suppose, she has her own feelings on the matter, but since I can't tell anyone, it's still hard. I'm really sad to see them ending this way. I mean, they are still a couple technically. Until they talk on Wednesday. But I know the direction that is going to go.
Ben doesn't. Obviously. I couldn't tell him. We talked of course, about her, and how he was doing. I know he loves her desperately. He said the most romantic thing I've ever heard, I wanted to memorise it and make it my blog description, but I've completely forgotten it. It was like 'wait until you fall in love Lucy, it makes you feel..." something, I can't remember what he said, but it was like, damn son, young Shakespeare in our midst. It was a 'hurt so good' type quote but it was phenomenal. It'll come back to me, I hope.
He also said thank you to me for asking how he was going, which surprised me. The only reason I normally held back asking is because I didn't want to seem like I was prying. Of course, I was desperate to really know how he felt. I'm so incredibly curious about people. People I like especially. I want to understand them, get under their skin.
I couldn't say anything either way. Every time Mia was brought up during the day, somehow it happened a lot, without it being intentional, I just covered my mouth so my facial expression wasn't so obvious. I don't have a straight face for these things so it was difficult to just not react every time Ben called Mia his 'tentative girlfriend'. I really do want them to stay together, for her to be in love with him and to just work it out. It's such BS that it can't be worked out and tbh I'm on Mia's side in that I do understand her and know that she's doing the best she can, but it's impossible not to notice that the greatest harm here is being done to Ben and I can't even imagine myself in his position, it's just so unimaginatively awful. The waiting and the way she's just being so dispassionate about the whole thing, I just don't like it and I don't get it.
It's all very difficult.
I don't know why exactly, but I'm hoping to unpack it right now. I don't feel like blogging, it really doesn't help me the way it used to but it is still the best way to get things out, even if it's like pulling teeth, rather than like unblocking a dam.
I went to a Debating Competition with my bffl's on-a-break boyfriend and a girl I hadn't met until today, because she's a first year, but on the UOW1 team for Easters, because she's awesome. So, she and my bffl's on-a-break boyfriend, who I am going to just call Ben because I can't write out bffls on-a-break boyfriend 5000 times, are in the same team for Easters and their third couldn't come so I went with to fill in and get practice as Third Speaker, which isn't my usual position and I was really uncomfortable with it and wouldn't get much of a chance to practice before Easters so it was a great chance in that way. Plus Ben is an amazeballs debater and we never get to debate together so it was super fun in that way. Plus all the topics ended up being feminism and LGBT and oppression of the poor/marginalized so it was exactly my kind of tournament.
Did I mention that I did amazing at Debating Trials and I made the UOW2 team?? Yaaaasssss. That might not sound impressive but we have six teams and they are ranked, 1 is the best, 2 is still competitive, and then 3, 4, 5, 6 etc.
So I've actually become decent :) The bffl is UOW4.
So, first thing is that the bffl and Ben are definitely breaking up. That's still confidential of course, but this is my confidential blog soooooo.... it's hard. I really like Ben, I respect him and want to be closer friends, I think I always kind of have, but in the last six months especially, and now I don't know what's going to happen there.
I'm not allowed to mention any feelings I have about the break up to the bffl, which is fair enough I suppose, she has her own feelings on the matter, but since I can't tell anyone, it's still hard. I'm really sad to see them ending this way. I mean, they are still a couple technically. Until they talk on Wednesday. But I know the direction that is going to go.
Ben doesn't. Obviously. I couldn't tell him. We talked of course, about her, and how he was doing. I know he loves her desperately. He said the most romantic thing I've ever heard, I wanted to memorise it and make it my blog description, but I've completely forgotten it. It was like 'wait until you fall in love Lucy, it makes you feel..." something, I can't remember what he said, but it was like, damn son, young Shakespeare in our midst. It was a 'hurt so good' type quote but it was phenomenal. It'll come back to me, I hope.
He also said thank you to me for asking how he was going, which surprised me. The only reason I normally held back asking is because I didn't want to seem like I was prying. Of course, I was desperate to really know how he felt. I'm so incredibly curious about people. People I like especially. I want to understand them, get under their skin.
I couldn't say anything either way. Every time Mia was brought up during the day, somehow it happened a lot, without it being intentional, I just covered my mouth so my facial expression wasn't so obvious. I don't have a straight face for these things so it was difficult to just not react every time Ben called Mia his 'tentative girlfriend'. I really do want them to stay together, for her to be in love with him and to just work it out. It's such BS that it can't be worked out and tbh I'm on Mia's side in that I do understand her and know that she's doing the best she can, but it's impossible not to notice that the greatest harm here is being done to Ben and I can't even imagine myself in his position, it's just so unimaginatively awful. The waiting and the way she's just being so dispassionate about the whole thing, I just don't like it and I don't get it.
It's all very difficult.
Congrats on making the team! That's really awesome :D Also, you mentioned in a comment on my page that you're doing a presentation on feminism for debating: when will that be? I've read that SWORDS meet up on Wednesdays from 2:30-5:30, and if your presentation is at that time, I might miss part of it (or all of it) cos I have a tute from 2:30 to 3:30 (except in week 6 cos all my classes are off that week). But if I can make your presentation, I'll do my best to go, cos I'd love to see it :)
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest, for a start, Ben's definitely going through a lot right now. I know how awful I felt when Razz first started being weird with me before we split, so if that's anything to go off, he's in emotional hell right now. And Ben's relationship is obviously far more developed, so he probably feels multitudes worse than I did, as well as having felt it for longer due to the break they're having. I don't want to project cos they're two different relationships with totally different circumstances, but if he feels anything like I felt, he may be wondering if he's done something wrong by Mia, desperately trying to find what he's guilty of; he may feel as though he has failed his obligation to keep Mia happy; he probably had a vision of his future with her in it which is now in limbo. And he knows the only way to find out for sure what's wrong is to have Mia be honest with him about how she feels, which clearly isn't possible right now if they're on a break; all he *does* know is that her answers probably won't be pleasant ones. I stress that I'm only using myself as a reference point cos it's literally the only experience of this kind I have, and the variables could be different for any number of reasons, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's feeling a similar way to how I felt, even if more intensely due to the deeper relationship he's had.
That said, it makes perfect sense for him to thank you, cos regardless of the specifics, he's certainly overwhelmed with emotion, and having someone to talk to at a time like this is invaluable. Obviously, trying to pry isn't a good thing, but if you're able to be there for him, just as someone who'll listen and support him through a difficult time, he'll greatly appreciate it.
With Mia, I think even if you did tell her what to do, she'd just ignore you. She doesn't seem like the type to take orders or advice; she's just doing what she wants cos she feels like it. There's no sense in interfering. I have reservations about certain people I know entering into certain lifelong commitments where I'm just like "this is *such* a bad idea, seriously, dude", but they wouldn't listen to me if I said anything cos they'd go "well, I know this is what I want, and it's making me happy right now, so fuck you and your high horse".