I have two things I want to talk about: Galentine's Day and my cousin Lizzy, but this entry is more of a placeholder for the hopefully longer post that will come later when I have the energy to put everything into words.

First, I hosted an awesome girls only party on Galentine's Day and it was epic and tbh, quite flawless. Everyone got along, we had loads of fun, everyone got to be a good amount of drunk without overdoing it, we went out clubbing and had an amazeballs time (well, I did-- I assume everyone else did), and then we went skinny dipping at the beach, which was a baller move and can now be crossed off my bucket list. I half crossed it off in November for swimming in underwear but now it's off the list for good (though it was so much fun it is definitely not off the to-do-again list). Two of my friends met and decided they liked each other so BAM relationship whisperer me, I suppose I should have introduced them sooner but I didn't realise it would be a thing. It is however and they're going on dates and making out all over the place. There is never too much lesbian love in my life so I support this fully, though I wish the lesbian love fairy would sprinkle some of that love a little closer to me! I met Jen's BFF finally, and she was rad and we got along. She gave me a weird drunk monologue about how much she loves me because Jen had told her so much about me which was heartwarming and I am fully hopeful that our friendship will blossom because any girl who loves Jen as much as I do should be a friend. Lastly, Galentine's Day is the best excuse for a party ever, I would never turn down an opportunity to celebrate ladies with my ladies. We did drunk warm and fuzzies, which we shoved into each others bras and really, there was a lot of homo. I have seen and felt a lot more boobs than I had before this party. Plus, now a whole bunch of different girls that I know and love all know each other too which is excellent.

Second, my cousins stage IV skin cancer is now in her brain, which is shitty and I'm really scared that she's going to die because the odds of any other outcome are really low and she probably doesn't have that much time either. I could probably start counting down the times I'm going to see her before she dies and it would be under twenty or thirty if she dies in two or three months. That's a lot less than the infinite amount of times I assume I still have to hang out with everyone else.

I'm not saying she will die in the next few months, but she might. She might die a few months after that. I looked up the statistics for melanoma patients with tumours that had metastasised to their brain and the median time is 4 months, and only 10% make it to a year. It's still pretty unthinkable to me. I'll panic if I think about it too much. She can't go anywhere, she can't, she can't, she can't. She's like a solid chunk of who I am, and if she were gone, I feel like it would fundamentally change my identity and my sense of self. If I don't have her view on who I am, then who am I? Who she thinks I am is incredibly important to meIf she isn't here to share our childhood memories, how am I supposed to know what's real and what I made up?  How can I ever have a full range of perspectives if I don't have hers?

Cousins are like siblings that you actually like and are also friends with. Her life is supposed to be a mirror of my life. The friend who is always half a step ahead, leading me in the right direction. She anchors everything.

God, what a mess. Only found out this today. Will discuss in more depth later.