Just an update on things bothering me right at this moment

So, what's the happenings in my life.

Eh.

Things with boy have come to a halt. I tried to invite him out but he was busy, and he really isn't meeting me halfway so clearly he isn't interested and I'm backing off. I'll revisit the idea when uni starts back in March. Hopefully I'll be skinnier then and he can be like whoa, Lucy is attractive, let's consider her for dating material.

My greater hope, above that he'll be into me if I was skinnier, is that I actually get to test that theory by becoming skinnier. This last 18 months have been horrific. I hated my body when I left for exchange, and I came back 5kg (at least) heavier than a weight that was horrifying already. I mean, I enjoyed every minute of British confectionary and oven cooked pizzas for dinner, but it never is worth it.

So, there is a change a'coming hopefully. I say that about five times a year. I always hope this time will be it. I'm stupid and optimistic, so I have faith.

I mean, I don't always hate my body. Mostly I like it and think I'm cute or sexy or whatever, but only with half a brain. The other half is 100% tuned into the 24 hour channel of knowing the truth and hating myself for it. The thing is, I genuinely do think I have a problem and I really should have called the psychologist when I got the referral but in my opinion, it's bad form to give a girl you've just diagnosed with anxiety and ED a phone number and tell her to call and arrange her appointment privately.

Like, that just makes sense not to give people with social anxiety phone calls to make about a situation they are unlikely to be comfortable or accepting of.

I also just want to deal with it myself, even though I know it's so stupid to do that when I know seeing someone else and letting them help will be beneficial to both my goals and my mental health. Pride is my downfall here I suppose, which sucks, because mental health, especially my own, is super high priority for me.

I also kinda want to talk about my bffl but on the other hand I'll feel guilty if I do because I'll be saying bad things and it's like with you-know-who, it was great when we were together but then when I was alone or with the bffl and she'd ask, so why didn't you ask that, why didn't this happen?, I'd realise there were serious red flags and problems and actually it wasn't okay, and now the same thing is happening, except she is the one who is the problem.

I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it, everything bad, every niggle, and I was seriously at the point of 'well, maybe we should stop being best friends for a few months and just not talk for awhile' but I countered that with, 'but who would I hang out with otherwise?' so literally, I am just keeping on for the sake of having my partner in crime.

But that isn't the whole situation either, because I do love spending time with her, we get on better and more easily than anyone else I know. It's just difficult when the flaws seem to be more obvious, our disagreements larger (over social/political topics), and any snubs more hurtful than ever before.

It's a best of times, worst of times thing. And really, after her needing space earlier in the semester and me saying the worst thing was that she did it passive aggressively, clearly I need to confront this or seem like a hypocrite, but it's hard.

Like, the night we got high, I had an amazing time personally, but all the negative parts, which were primarily that she was kind of a bitch and literally kicked me off when I put my head on her knee when she was leaning back against her boyf, when all I wanted was some kind of touch and comfort, because everything was so sensory but also because I was anxious of something going wrong, and that she just went to bed with the boyf, told me to let myself out in the morning because she wasn't planning on playing host, leaving me with just a drug dealer in the room, who she didn't know if he was also planning on sleeping there with me or not.

I think what I miss from her most is genuine considerations. I always come below the boyf, always come below her needs and sometimes, it's like she has no idea what I need at all and no wish to accomodate it if she did. Regardless, I don't think I'd ever get high in that group again because there really was no one there if I needed them. I couldn't have counted on her and that's a shitty state of affairs with your best friend, you know?

But when I saw her and we talked, all I said was that it'd been amazing and great, and she never asked how I got home when she didn't wake up til 1pm or how I was. I was just disappointed in her and maybe she'd think that's stupid but that's the deal, that's real, that's how I feel.

I need to stop comparing her to Jen. It's an awful habit.

I don't want to stop being friends with the bffl. I just need things to change. And not just me getting a boyfriend so she is no longer my most important friend and her being absent is no longer an issue. I have other friends who always get it, who take my hand with they know I'm sad, who recognise exactly and pay attention and rate my feelings above spending time with their boyfriend for a bit. Like, my friend Sarah, I'd love to get high with her, because I know exactly how it would be and feel and at the end she'd cuddle me and make sure I was happy and doing good if I wanted her too.

She just has a much bigger zone of acceptance and approachability and like, can prioritise multiple people. See, like, the bffl doesn't like her, thinks she's boring. I don't think that at all. I think she's kind. She's a Hufflepuff I think.

My bffls a Slytherin, no question.

Well, that's all that's on my mind right this minute. I need sleep.

If me and the bffl play squash tomorrow, I really need rest first. (and see? if I ditched her over the Summer, my Summer would suck. You know people who don't break up with their partner because it's so convenient having a person. I don't have a 'real' person, I just have her, but still, I can't ditch her. Friendship of convenience)

yeah so this happened

So I got high. Like, I'm high right now. Rightttttt nowwwww.

You know how some famous authors are like, I always wrote drunk, its part of the genius and some people say it makes you better. If its anything like being high, and obviously I should be able to compare them now and NO it's not but anyway, both still are the same in this way-- I can't imagine anyone anything other than sober writing something profound.

this is so hard!

fuck me all i want is to record this,

i feel so half and half, both fuzzy and focused and robotic and also loose. Like, i feel so controlled, like I control every inch of my body and can feel it all. It's worrying because I then have to position it all seperately, like my toes and my neck, but also my fingers are like moving perfectly smoothly over the keyboard. Though theyre failing at their job because they keep missing the right letter and sometimes they just stop like they get tired or are on strike.

And I feel so stupid, like I know Im being awful but I cant be anything else. Like when Bella becomes a vampire and she's under morphine and she is aware of it all  but can't scream or tell anyone that she's in pain.

But its not that I'm in pain beyond the fact in a room with a bunch of people who will judge me for moving and touching and I have to restrain it and it's so powerful. I've never felt so tactile and everything feels sensual as anything, like all I want is to lie down and close my eyes and just feel everything

sorry i cant concentrate for long, i feel like im on skins

Everything is like floaty but heavy. Like being in side a suit of armor. Like I'm pooh bear tied to balllons so I can float up the honey tree but instead tree roots are creeping up my ankles like devils snare.

I'm scared that my eyes are so red in the mirror and my teeth feel like i want to crunch them. Like they're fragile.

But my mouth feels so dry, like my tongue is parched and my gums and my throat is like a desert. I just want to drink and I'm so scared I'll drink too much water and die.

_____

Well, that was my evening. I wanted to write more, I had like a million more things that I wanted to say, but unfortunately that didn't happen. As much as I wanted to spend my evening borrowing a laptop so I could keep recording my experience, it was genuinely difficult to write.

For context, in kind of a spur of the moment plan, my bffl and I made brownies with an extra kick and with her boyfriend and a few of his mates, we got high and watched South Park.

It was my first time and while I've been open to the idea for a year or so, I was still quite guilty about it. Not morally guilty, guilty because it's against the law and I'm a goody two shoes at heart.

But it was lots of fun, even if I wouldn't do it again in a situation like that. I think it could be better if you were just with one person, or alone, and you could just be high non judgementally and explore all the ways being high is awesome, but I felt quite self conscious. Unlike being drunk, which takes all that away, I felt frustrated with everyone for acting like idiots, even though I understood it, and I couldn't relax enough to just feel everything.

Also, I stand by my earlier opinion that it's a gateway drug. Everyone tried to tell me that it's not, and maybe it's not in that you can't get addicted (easily), but I remember standing in the bathroom thinking, 'gosh, if this is what marijuana is like, what about LSD? Ecstasy? Why doesn't everyone want to feel like this all the time?'

Even then, I knew that was a terrible thought. But like, the sensory overload and the not so much 'tripping', but just everything is slightly out of reality, the 'I can hear colours' or whatever the cliche is, was very cool.

Not that I'm going to do it again, any time soon. While I try not to judge people, the kind of people who smoke and do drugs is never going to be my crowd and it's never going to be the kind of person I want to be. I've tried it now, and I'm glad I did, but it's not me and to be honest, I enjoyed it too much for my liking and drug addiction isn't on my list of life goals, so don't expect to see much more about recreational drug use here.

Boys ruining my life with their drama

Every year, I tend to have like three posts about my birthday, the preparations and lead up and the follow up and whatnot but this year I haven't and I kind of want to, just to keep with tradition and to debrief after what really was a major event, but I'm not going to.

Instead, I want to talk about something else. Someone else actually.

It won't be a particularly long post, because for all I know, they could see this and that would be super awkward, but I haven't felt like this about someone ever, it's like, butterflies and super cute crushing and he's so good looking and charming and tall and funny and smart and he doesn't have flaws okay? It's a real problem.

I don't know how to tackle this, but he makes me want to. He makes me what to just tell him straight up and maybe I would have if things had gone as planned at my b'day. I want to date him and I want to sleep with him and I want to know all his secrets and thoughts and opinions and I want to do things together and be friends and I want him to know me and I want to go on car rides and swim at the beach and go hiking and I just see it all and I want to do it with him, and I know that's crazy, but I do.

He's just a good person, that's enthusiastic about things and kind and sweet and laid back and I could go on but I already sound like a stalker. I just like him.

The problem is that I'm confident he'd be good for me but I don't know what exactly I'm bringing to the table and that's the part that always makes me insecure and stops me from going for it. I don't want to be turned down and mostly that's because I don't want to be told no and imagine all the reasons why he'd say that, that had to do with me not being good enough.

I didn't used to have thoughts like that but it's what they say I guess, the first time you going for it, you're fearless but after a heartbreak, it's always harder because you know exactly how much it can hurt. It's just nice, having the thought of him. It's been nice all term and I hope it'll only get better, and then maybe actually progress into something.

------

Writing this on a new day but the content is still my love life so I'll lump them together. Something very unexpected happened. You know who and I talked all afternoon. Like, over four hours worth of conversation.

A few days ago he said happy birthday, I said thanks, and didn't go on. I didn't want to encourage conversation, I didn't want to ask how he was and send out the envoy. I'm better than that.

But today he did. Like, completely. I didn't put any effort in at first, I just figured I'd answer his questions, see what happened. But it was really nice. He put the effort in to have a conversation, he replied immediately like I was important, and that matters to me.

And it was an honest conversation too. Like, he acknowledged how long it's been since we talked, and about a year since we've seen each other, we talked about why I unfriended him earlier in the year and how complicated our relationship has been.

try to stop periodically unfriending you

Haha that'd be good not sure what I did to deserve the last one

Idk we hadn't talked in forever and i was like, well I guess we're done, see ya

No offense intended

That's understandable ... I'll keep better in touch this time

it also worked out well to have a period of no contact, specially in combination with going overseas and having a whole new life, just because it really gave me a chance to work out my feels towards complicated friendships like ours

And it really helped me clean slate everything

Well it was worth it then

Which is why I added you back in the end

Well good, it was better when it wasn't complicated

Lol I don't even remember when it wasn't tbh

Really ? Well I was pretty oblivious so maybe I just didn't notice for a while

Well my head is a weird place haha

Better than just being a pretty face

Tru dat

But now all I want is to be friends with you, and for things with this guy to work out romantic styles and everything is super simple, voila

So that was good, I'm glad. Maybe we can be friends, just like I wanted when I started this blog back in 2011.

There is something super hopeful about that.

What I am thinking about today, on the eve of my 21^st birthday is toughness.

That may sound like an odd topic, but a) come on, I’ve made over 300 posts, sometimes things are going to be a bit of a reach, and b) no seriously, this is going to be a good post. Give it a chance.

I had my work Christmas drinks last night, in lieu of the big mall Christmas party, which was cancelled due to lack of interest. It was a really, genuinely fun night. I had a great time. I was the last to arrive—my day yesterday was so terrible, I won’t go into it, but at 5:45 all I wanted to do was close my bedroom door and throw myself onto my bed and weep. It was that kind of day.

But I’d said I’d go to the drinks thing, so I put on a dress and did my hair and got a taxi and made it to the Illawarra, which is actually a bar before it turns into a club, who knew? It was the three of us girls that work at my work, plus my Boss, his wife, who is also my boss really, and another employee from the other store, which my Boss’s wife runs. So just the six of us.

I get along very well with both the girls I work with. Stacey I’ve known for three years now, and she used to be the primary school best friend of one of my current BFFs so that was a fun connection for us. Cat and I also have those weird connections of her being the roommate of a girl I knew quite well, and we both worked at the same other job, back when I was a waitress, though we never worked together as I left basically as she started. But due to those connections, we have a lot of mutual friends.

And I’ve been working at my job for three years now, so it’s a comfortable place for me. This drinks thing was new. Seeing your boss drink is like seeing a teacher drink. You know they do it but seeing it and interacting with it is a different ballgame.

I’m going to get to the theme of the entry in a minute, I swear, I just need to set up the context.

So, Michael, my boss, is shouting us, which was incredibly nice of him, because we drank a lot. And once he got drunk, it was so obvious. But in a funny way, just like he was louder and his words were slightly, slightly slurred.

And we were talking about other jobs, because unlike me who had this job as my first job, the other two worked since they were 14 and had a whole range of crappy jobs and like, how they’d finish their shift and come home crying because of all the getting yelled at and stress and what not, which I honestly cannot relate to.

Like, I complain here a little bit, like a month or to ago saying work was stressful because Michael had turned up the stress-o-meter, but really, it's not bad. And this last month, I've enjoyed more than ever. Especially now exams are over, the two girls who are newer at my work are gone for the summer and it's back to just the core cast of Stacey, Cat and I. We can do 4 shifts each a week, and it's great. I mean, it doesn't get split exactly like that- I work a bit less because I live at home and have no financial responsibilities. Like, Stacey doesn't go to uni so this is her 'job', not just her on the side, casual thing, like it is for me, and Cat rents, so she needs more, which Michael understands and adjusts shifts accordingly. That means less for me, but I don't mind. Besides, I'll be earning a cool $23 an hour from tomorrow.

Anyway, Michael was saying that Stacey is too thin skinned, like if he tells he off too harshly, she'll cry. Michael puts the most pressure on her definitely. Cat, it amazed me when he said it because she's just a loud, opinionated, tough cookie type person, but he was like 'no, Cat mostly holds it together and doesn't take it personally but occasionally I have broken her'. (I know that sounds bad, but it was a joke kinda, he's a tough boss and he knows it). And Jesus, these are two of the most put together people I know, like, that he gets under their skin, I was shocked.

But not as much as I was when he said, 'but Lucy, no, she's the toughest of the lot of you, maybe the toughest I've ever had, she never takes it personally. When I get onto her, she just puts her head down and takes it on board and works harder."

And I was like, what.

And I said something like, well you always give me so much slack compared to everyone else, which I think is true, but he was like, 'no, I pushed you more than anyone and most people just quit but you just kept showing up.'

I don't know. I think it's a matter of other people seeing the highlights reel of my achievements and I see all the weird stuff like anxiety over calling work to get my shifts each week. 

But also I think I shouldn't discount compliments. I think a lot of the time I do just dismiss out of hand compliments and think about an insult a million times and that's silly and not helpful.

I mean, he did follow up with criticism about my lack of focus and constant being off with the fairies, a phrase I heard over and over throughout my childhood but I am trying to take that on board and be a bit more with it. I rebloggged a post on tumblr like, last week, that was like 'I wish someone could just follow me around for a week and like, objectively tell me what I'm like and how I come across and what sort of person I am', and I think what Michael said, for both better and worse, is a bit like that. So I'll take it gratefully :)

I need to write a post about my birthday now but I hadn't finished writing this post yet so I had to get this one out first otherwise I know I would never have finished it.

Lucy out.