So... things are going.
I suppose things are good. It's hard to judge when one facet of your life is terrible, how to judge the rest.
Obviously, the content of my previous entry continues to devastate me, but not every second of the day. Lizzy is one of my best friends and her circumstances are confusing and awful mostly because nothing is known for certain. If I knew that she was going to die 146 days from now, then I could make an action plan. If I knew she was going to get very sick but be fine, again, action plan. But as is, she could be fine, her drugs could work and I may never see her so much as cough. I can't put a probability rating on that though. Or things might be terrible or things could get suddenly bad or slowly bad or she might just announce one day that things have taken a turn for a worse and the prognosis is even more dire than it is now. But I don't know and that leaves me in a weird kind of limbo of everything being currently fine but the probability of it not being fine in the future much higher than before I knew.
I spent the weekend with Lizzy at a debating competition in Sydney, Friday to Monday, which was excellent. I made some friends, improved as a debater, got drunk off my face repeatedly, and got to explore Sydney a bit, a city that I am really quite unfamiliar with, considering it's proximity to where I live. I really like debating, I like that I don't get nervous before speaking anymore at all. The first time I did it I was shaking like a leaf and now it's like, lets get up there and fucking destroy some logical fallacies. I'm still not great and maybe I'm not even good but I'm getting competent and confident and I know that I'm improving.
My friends lately have been weird. I was making my friend list for my birthday and I could only come up with 19 friends. And okay, I do have more, it's just that half of my closest friends are ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. But I am making more new friends than ever before and that is wonderful.
In terms of specific friends, Mia and I are being weird. Like, we're in different places mentally all the time. And okay, this isn't even a big deal but it hurt my feelings, and it wasn't awful of me because she knew I was on her phone reading her messages, but she didn't want to debate with me last week, at the first tournament we did. Her boyfriend/ president put us together and she went off at him because she'd told him specifically she wanted to be with anyone but me and he changed it so we both had different partners.
It just hurt my feelings, not because there couldn't be a reasonable explanation- like she wanted to make other friends or debate with someone with more experience- but because she didn't just tell me that she didn't want to and instead just made her boyfriend change the line up and not mention it. And I'd been begging her to be my partner for Women's but now I can't help but think, well maybe she just didn't want to go with me, and her excuses were just that, excuses. I just like people to be honest because I can never tell and later it makes me feel stupid for acting enthusiastic when the other person isn't.
I haven't talked to Jen much lately, but I've just been so busy. What I like most about Jen--well maybe not most but it's high on the list, is that I never feel insecure with her. I never feel like I don't matter or that she doesn't care about me or miss me, just as I miss her. I mean, we're both living independent lives but, to quote Kingdom Hearts cheesily, our hearts are connected. I love her, she loves me, our friendship will pick up from exactly where we left it and in the meantime, it remains a great comfort to me. As someone who has always placed far too much importance on 'how much do you love me compared to so-and-so, with Jen, I know she had other close friends, best friends, and that doesn't make me think 'well, what is my place in her life then?' because I know from my own personal experience, that I love Mia just as much before and after I met Jen. I don't love one more than the other, and I don't love Mia less than I used to. Hearts are big, they can do that shit.
Work is stressing me out lately, and it's because my boss has decided to be nit picky and overbearing, which makes me screw up more because I'm nervous from him being on my case and analysing everything I do as a tally against me. And I just don't enjoy working when he's like that, and it's more boring too because I can't listen to music or talk openly. It's just lame. But you know, money.
Other stuff is happening, but I don't really want to talk about it. Maybe next entry. Ttfn.
I suppose things are good. It's hard to judge when one facet of your life is terrible, how to judge the rest.
Obviously, the content of my previous entry continues to devastate me, but not every second of the day. Lizzy is one of my best friends and her circumstances are confusing and awful mostly because nothing is known for certain. If I knew that she was going to die 146 days from now, then I could make an action plan. If I knew she was going to get very sick but be fine, again, action plan. But as is, she could be fine, her drugs could work and I may never see her so much as cough. I can't put a probability rating on that though. Or things might be terrible or things could get suddenly bad or slowly bad or she might just announce one day that things have taken a turn for a worse and the prognosis is even more dire than it is now. But I don't know and that leaves me in a weird kind of limbo of everything being currently fine but the probability of it not being fine in the future much higher than before I knew.
I spent the weekend with Lizzy at a debating competition in Sydney, Friday to Monday, which was excellent. I made some friends, improved as a debater, got drunk off my face repeatedly, and got to explore Sydney a bit, a city that I am really quite unfamiliar with, considering it's proximity to where I live. I really like debating, I like that I don't get nervous before speaking anymore at all. The first time I did it I was shaking like a leaf and now it's like, lets get up there and fucking destroy some logical fallacies. I'm still not great and maybe I'm not even good but I'm getting competent and confident and I know that I'm improving.
My friends lately have been weird. I was making my friend list for my birthday and I could only come up with 19 friends. And okay, I do have more, it's just that half of my closest friends are ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. But I am making more new friends than ever before and that is wonderful.
In terms of specific friends, Mia and I are being weird. Like, we're in different places mentally all the time. And okay, this isn't even a big deal but it hurt my feelings, and it wasn't awful of me because she knew I was on her phone reading her messages, but she didn't want to debate with me last week, at the first tournament we did. Her boyfriend/ president put us together and she went off at him because she'd told him specifically she wanted to be with anyone but me and he changed it so we both had different partners.
It just hurt my feelings, not because there couldn't be a reasonable explanation- like she wanted to make other friends or debate with someone with more experience- but because she didn't just tell me that she didn't want to and instead just made her boyfriend change the line up and not mention it. And I'd been begging her to be my partner for Women's but now I can't help but think, well maybe she just didn't want to go with me, and her excuses were just that, excuses. I just like people to be honest because I can never tell and later it makes me feel stupid for acting enthusiastic when the other person isn't.
I haven't talked to Jen much lately, but I've just been so busy. What I like most about Jen--well maybe not most but it's high on the list, is that I never feel insecure with her. I never feel like I don't matter or that she doesn't care about me or miss me, just as I miss her. I mean, we're both living independent lives but, to quote Kingdom Hearts cheesily, our hearts are connected. I love her, she loves me, our friendship will pick up from exactly where we left it and in the meantime, it remains a great comfort to me. As someone who has always placed far too much importance on 'how much do you love me compared to so-and-so, with Jen, I know she had other close friends, best friends, and that doesn't make me think 'well, what is my place in her life then?' because I know from my own personal experience, that I love Mia just as much before and after I met Jen. I don't love one more than the other, and I don't love Mia less than I used to. Hearts are big, they can do that shit.
Work is stressing me out lately, and it's because my boss has decided to be nit picky and overbearing, which makes me screw up more because I'm nervous from him being on my case and analysing everything I do as a tally against me. And I just don't enjoy working when he's like that, and it's more boring too because I can't listen to music or talk openly. It's just lame. But you know, money.
Other stuff is happening, but I don't really want to talk about it. Maybe next entry. Ttfn.
I hate that too, when you want someone to be honest and they just refuse to do so. It's either hear the truth now and deal with it while you're prepared; or consider what the truth *could* be for ages until you hear the real truth, which is the same truth as before, but now coupled with an acknowledgement of the other person's deceit and mistrust. I mean, if you care enough, you're gonna find out eventually, so what's the point in trying to avoid it :P
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