I feel like I am a little kid who's fallen over and just burst into tears because of the shock and indignity of feeling hurt for the first time.
My heart just hurts.
I deal with sad things. Today I found out that about 6 grand I was expecting (and counting on, to be honest) is in fact not happening. And that sucks, but I know how to be pragmatic about it.
But I'm such a child about fairness. I think teenagers are particularly prone to these types of tantrums, because they are transitioning from childhood where fairness does (for the most part) exist. Then teenagers realise how shitty the world is and that's why depression and anxiety and anger are so prominent in that age bracket, because they realise that things are not fair and it's pretty hopeless but are too idealistic to just accept it.
They rage and burn and cry and eventually the world makes us all pragmatists and cynics and that's the cycle of fair.
I thought I'd outgrown it mostly. I thought now I was ok with the fact that some people just start life with more opportunities, or get lucky with friends or parents or talents or money and I had accepted what I had, and was grateful for it. I'd stopped being anxious that other people might be using their time more gracefully, that their lives were fully, that I was wasting the one thing, one thing, I'd be given-- life. I panicked, that it had to be the best. If I ever lost, I was wasting opportunity. Any thing that goes wrong takes away from my life, from my perfect score, my perfect opportunity.
I don't know if other people think about it like that. I want to do everything, have every opportunity. It's like, people might say, pfft 'life is short'? It's the longest thing there is.' but that is bullshit. Just because each person only gets one, doesn't mean it's enough time to do everything offered. I want to see every place, explore every town, meet every person, visit every church and castle, live a year in every country there is, have one true love-- but also experience every kind of relationship, sleep with many different types of people, have many different loves. I want to experience life as thin, I want to explore it as hot, I want to fall deep into a passionate love affair and I want to be Prime Minister and a pop star and I want to be a musician and paint in Venice and learn guitar and never ever do I want to feel fear or terror or hatred or grief and any time I feel one of those things or don't get to go along a branch in the tree diagram of life, I feel like I am missing out, that I am doing something wrong.
Jesus, how could I have missed it? It's entitlement. The curse of the 20 year olds. No one could be more self absorbed than us. It's always all about us, and our needs and wants, and being an upper middle class white girl with a much greater than average IQ and ego, I have enough privilege that my life expectations soar. I never decided I didn't want to be an astronaut because I didn't think I could do it, I just decided I didn't want to risk my life by blowing up. I still don't know what I can't do, if I put my mind to it. I could be Prime Minister. I'll have to work at it, and there are addendums to what I'd need to do, but I don't think I couldn't succeed.
That's what growing up in a family where we are told anything is possible and you never run into a roadblock bad enough to shake the belief. Like, even with feminist and discrimination against women and earning 77c, that pisses me off but I don't think it affects me. I'm in the top few percentiles, whatever I end up doing, I expect to end up on the top end of the bell curve.
Maybe I just hit my first roadblock.
I suppose I am protective of my friends lives the same way I am towards my own. If something terrible happens to them, I am crushed with the same sense of helplessness that their life in irrevocably damaged and that makes me bitter.
One day I hope to become wiser about these things, and gain a sense of peace about things not going 'right'. Like, taoism-- the idea is that there is no right way. Things happen and the world just adjusts to that, it's not wrong, it's just reality.
For now though, I am still reeling and angry and scared even, that now that it has happened to someone else, what is to stop it from happening to me? What's going to tear my life to shreds, now that I know there is nothing to stop it. Tragedy can't be stopped or anticipated.
Tomorrow I could be diagnosed with cancer. Tomorrow my Dad could have a heart attack and I leave my exchange for his funeral. Tomorrow I could be in a natural disaster and lose everything I own. Tomorrow a friend could be in a bank that gets robbed at gunpoint and shot dead. Tomorrow I could be in a terrorist attack and die. Tomorrow I could be raped and have to deal with flashbacks, nightmares and depression for the rest of my life. I could be murdered, the world could end, I could fall and break a bone. I could get brain damaged, my soul mate may die in a freak accident. War may break out and I spend the rest of my life in a war zone. I could slip in the shower, breaking my back and leaving me a quadriplegic.
It's scary and no way to live, anticipating those things. But I can't stop feeling that way, not yet. I just haven't found a way to feel safe in a world full of tragedy that I am not separated from.
I understand why people believe in God and an afterlife, that suffering be rewarded and justice dealt out, that tragedy always has meaning. To me, if there is an eternal afterlife, how does this life matter? But if it doesn't (and I believe that), then this life is all that matters.
Though for the sake of honesty, I am willing to be wrong because while there are consequences to denying a God if it exists, there isn't for being a believer and being wrong at least not beyond hypocrisy. So purely in a sense of pragmatism, I say a prayer now and then.
Hey Lucy,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I know you've probably got a whole bunch of people to talk to if you ever feel the need to vent, people you're a lot closer to, but you can always talk to me if you want. I know we're not the closest of friends, but I also know you'd do the same for me if I ever needed a shoulder to lean on :)
As for how you're feeling, I'd honestly be more shocked if you *weren't* upset over this. As horrible as it is, it's important for you to acknowledge this setback and find a way around it. If you were apathetic to not receiving such a large sum of money, money you were *counting on*, I'd be convinced you'd lost your sanity. This is indeed your first roadblock--the first of many, many roadblocks--but roadblocks can be knocked down, jumped over, and driven around. I'm sure you'll find a way through it :)
As for the fact that you're scared, I can relate to that. I think those thoughts all the time, and on a far more minor scale, too--not just about being robbed or killed, but having someone think I'm an idiot or being judged for my looks or whatever else. I think you're awesome for having the guts to travel to a country you've never visited and to stay there for six months. I'm not saying this for the sake of it: I'm seriously in awe of what you're doing. You went to another country, *practically by your fucking self*, and you've met new people, you've seen sights, you've learned new things, you've made new friends. I can't imagine the kind of bravery it entails to do even *one* of those things, let alone how much it takes to do all of them in a new country.
That's why I'm sure you can make it through this battle (and the one you mentioned in the previous entry): if you've got the willpower to go this far, even with those fears in your mind, you've got the willpower to go even further and conquer whatever lies in your path, regardless of how scared you are. That same willpower has in-part inspired me to do try and do more with my life; I want to be more like you in that respect.
So to continue your metaphor, don't let this stop you travelling along life's branches. You will never see the whole tree--no one's ever come close to seeing the entire thing, and not even *immortality* would make it possible--but don't let this one setback put you off grabbing all the branches you wanna grab. And even if you, say, have to get a job to make up for the lost entitlement (and you are right, we really fucking do think like that--it's our age bracket's middle name :P), I'm sure you'll come around and see it for the positives rather than the negatives.
I'll stop here cos I'm rambling but yeah, don't stop being awesome :D
*hugs*
This is really really sweet, thanks for taking the time to reply. I just have to say though, and rereading, I can see I wasn't too clear, I actually wasn't upset about the money, I more mentioned it to mean, yeah, sometimes things suck but as you said, money is one of those things that you can always make more of and get around for the most part. I have a really supportive family, like we aren't at all rich, but if I run into trouble, and even if I don't, my mum is totally willing to help me out and I've been told not to worry about money. That stuff, while sure, bothers me, I do tend to be quite pragmatic about and just accept it, like in the end, its just a number in my bank account and I will always find a way to do the stuff I really want to do, even if I have to au-pair in the US for a year or whatever :)
DeleteThe honest truth is that something else happened, as I kind of mentioned in the previous entry, a friend of mine was hurt really badly by someone they trusted, and that I trusted to an extent and I've been trying to deal with that revelation. It's probably self absorbed to make something terrible like that about me, but it did shatter my vague idea that I -and the people in my life- were safe from awful stuff happening and that's what I was thinking about for most of this entry.
But thank you for saying so many kind things, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I get so confused when people say I'm brave for doing exchange, for the most part I feel so good and happy here, and while I did get lucky making an instant best friend who is literally twins-seperated-at-birth with Megan (literally, down to details like favourite baby name (annabelle) or pipe dream career of owning a stationary shop), I still feel like it was the absolute easiest and safest way to ever leave home and travel. I know you are going to end up doing all these things too, travelling and meeting people and having a whole bunch of new experiences. Like, I really believe you are just going to find a niche and its going to snowball and be really, really great. Hopefully by the time I get home, I'll have gained a decent set of social skills good enough that I can help you out with meeting new people, though as of yet, I still do struggle most in that area myself :) Living in student accommodation and having flatmates definitely helps me, and I just do what I can, like stickytaping kitkats to bedroom doors and making people nutella crepes (the way to the heart is always through food i think) to make them like me.
Sorry I've been so lax about commenting on your posts, I do always read them and care how you're doing. I was actually thinking about you last weekend when I knew you had the 21st, and had my fingers crossed it would go well. I've definitely had my fair share of awkward parties like that though, so I know how you feel. If i have any wisdom, it's that most of the time, other people feel exactly the same as you do, even if you can't see it. Actually, I just learnt about the actual psychological process in class but basically, everybody is always looking around at others for social verification and copying others but everybody believes that they are the only ones acting that way for that reason, and that everyone else is doing it because they know confidently it's the right thing to do. Only that isn't true and its a fail on behalf of our brains and I find that comforting that other people are super awkward and mostly faking it too. Hopefully you find that comforting too :) xx