Okay so keep in mind that I had 6 shots tonight, not enough to get my drunk because I am that hardcore but enough to surprisingly let me feel slightly.... less inhibition.
Tonight was the first of two clubbing nights this week, for my friend Chelsea who is going on exchange in less than a week, for her to see everyone and have a good time. So the two of us were together at the beginning of the night when these two guys came over and started chatting, asking where was good in wollongong to go out and Chelsea mostly talked.
Then later we were dancing and they came back and the first guy started dancing with her, then making out which she was amicable to. The wingman/ friend started looking at me and I was looking back. We started grinding/dancing (there isn't much difference haha) and once I let myself not do what I thought would be 'sexy' and what made my lady parts feel nice, that was good. We started making out to the Spice Girls of all things (~so I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want~) and I gave him my number and got his name- Ian. Chelsea was busy with her guy, but we exchanged 'omg lol' grins once in a while because it was quite funny that we had both picked up, which was a goal of the evening. After awhile the guys left to get drinks and we were like, cool yeah whatever, so they left. Chelsea hadn't managed to get her guy's number to save so that was a bummer and we saw the guy picking up another girl later that night so that was lame. But my guy texted me and we met up again and danced/kissed, and he pulled me away and went to leave.
I stopped him and said 'I can't go home with you, I'm sorry' and he was like 'are you sure, you can stay over' etc but I was like 'no, I can't, we can go dance or you can call me tomorrow but I can't go home with you' and he was like 'yeah okay, it's okay, I'll call you tomorrow' and we danced and kissed and then he said he had to go, 'it was his friends birthday, you understood right?' and that was fine, we were right next to my friends anyway.
So then we left, and I got a lift home with everyone and here I am :)
Work in the morning but I doubt very much I'll be hungover, I didn't have enough for that and I feel fine. I will have another full glass of water before I sleep though. I don't expect the guy to call. I'm not saying he won't, but I have no expectation either way.
It was fun, I've never gone that far with a guy, aside from the hand on my ass, his thigh was quite happy to push between my legs and his hand wandered up my dress before I pushed it back down. Don't get me wrong, he can touch my boobs and ass all he wants, that's great, but my undies are off limit. All areas except actual genitals because I neither want him there nor want to give a wristy on the dance floor.
And I wasn't going to fuck him in an alley, or his house. It's not what I want for my first time. Or second time honestly. Maybe fifth. But I need a few good, intimate/emotional bangs first. Well, I think so. When I consider the fact that I could be getting fucked right now, my brain is like 'Lucy, you fucking dumbass!' but then the rest of me is like 'shut up Id, you are such a child, how would the rest of Lucy feel in the morning? That is, if she wasn't raped and murdered and left in pieces in a dumpster?"
But I have serious needs, it is reaching crisis proportions. When I get a boyfriend that I am really truly into, I am seriously going to fuck him so often, it is going to make his head spin. Because while I am totally self sufficient, I do like the heat and weight of another person against my hips and ass and once I get it for real, it is going to be on.
Friday, 30 August 2013
Monday, 19 August 2013
Exciting things are happening in the life of Lucy
So I am definitely going on Exchange.
That is a thing that is happening.
Yep.
Not sure where yet-- I will find out in a few weeks. Exeter (UK) is my first preference, then Lancaster, then the IESEG School of Management in France. Fingers are crossed for Exeter but Lancaster is pretty awesome as well, and if I went to France I'd get some pretty brilliant experiences out of it.
My interview was today and I've never actually had an interview for something before so I was very nervous. Mum bought me a new high waisted knee length skirt that I wore over a long sleeved purple shirt and tights so I looked less messy than normal.
It ended up being a piece of cake though. I knew what my answers were and I had done the research and I have my finances under control so there wasn't any tricky questions. My grades are great, three D's and a HD is nothing at all to be ashamed of, and if they looked back further, sure there are a few C's but just as many D's. And my ATAR attached is in the 90's so academically I'm doing as well as I've ever done and my record is pretty sweet.
It makes up for my lack of clubs or uni involvement but honestly, I work 3 weekdays, have 13 hours of Uni, I coach, play in 2 netball teams and a basketball team, umpire every week, tutor two high school students and attempt to have a social life and still read NC17 fanfic and tumble all day e'ry day.
Hopefully my application is good enough for Exeter, I don't know how many places they will offer/ how many bitches I need to beat out, but I'm in and in 4 and a half months I will be on the other side of the world and if that isn't exciting, what is?
The nerves won't hit me til I'm in the air and can't back out, but right now I'm just pleased. This is something I facilitated myself. I did all the work, looked into it independently without a push from my best friend who was already doing it, or from Mum prodding me, I just took some initiative when I realised I could be into it and got on with it.
It's something I'm doing for myself and by myself and that is exciting. Not that I won't be happy for company if anyone I know will be over there at the same time, let's be real here, I get anxious raising my hand in a lecture, how am I supposed to fare in an unknown country that I may not speak the language of where I know nobody and nothing? I like to think that under pressure, I will rise to the occasion. Obviously, if I didn't think that, why would I be doing this? I totally believe I can do it though it is not without significant challenges.
I just think I'm at that point in my life. Since Uni started, I feel that I've really stagnated, just out of pure lack of memorable moments. It's not that I haven't accomplished things or had significant change, I just don't feel that I'm living as intensely as I could be.
Every year at Christmas, we go around the table and we all have to talk about ourselves for a minute, our yearly update. Now, there were a few years I dreaded (and I wasn't alone, my brother and cousins hate this too) because we didn't have a job or a boyfriend/ girlfriend etc or we hadn't got our P's but since High School, I have very much blossomed in the eyes of my family. I work and get great marks in my double degree and I coach and drive and pay board and now my latest will be going overseas for 6 months, which none of my cousins have done :) Since I'm doing the degrees of my two closest cousins combined, it's nice to step out in a way. Lizzy said a few months ago that it's like the extended family is kind of getting to know me now, that I have my own interests and am defining myself as more than just quiet and one of the kids. I approve of that.
That is a thing that is happening.
Yep.
Not sure where yet-- I will find out in a few weeks. Exeter (UK) is my first preference, then Lancaster, then the IESEG School of Management in France. Fingers are crossed for Exeter but Lancaster is pretty awesome as well, and if I went to France I'd get some pretty brilliant experiences out of it.
My interview was today and I've never actually had an interview for something before so I was very nervous. Mum bought me a new high waisted knee length skirt that I wore over a long sleeved purple shirt and tights so I looked less messy than normal.
It ended up being a piece of cake though. I knew what my answers were and I had done the research and I have my finances under control so there wasn't any tricky questions. My grades are great, three D's and a HD is nothing at all to be ashamed of, and if they looked back further, sure there are a few C's but just as many D's. And my ATAR attached is in the 90's so academically I'm doing as well as I've ever done and my record is pretty sweet.
It makes up for my lack of clubs or uni involvement but honestly, I work 3 weekdays, have 13 hours of Uni, I coach, play in 2 netball teams and a basketball team, umpire every week, tutor two high school students and attempt to have a social life and still read NC17 fanfic and tumble all day e'ry day.
Hopefully my application is good enough for Exeter, I don't know how many places they will offer/ how many bitches I need to beat out, but I'm in and in 4 and a half months I will be on the other side of the world and if that isn't exciting, what is?
The nerves won't hit me til I'm in the air and can't back out, but right now I'm just pleased. This is something I facilitated myself. I did all the work, looked into it independently without a push from my best friend who was already doing it, or from Mum prodding me, I just took some initiative when I realised I could be into it and got on with it.
It's something I'm doing for myself and by myself and that is exciting. Not that I won't be happy for company if anyone I know will be over there at the same time, let's be real here, I get anxious raising my hand in a lecture, how am I supposed to fare in an unknown country that I may not speak the language of where I know nobody and nothing? I like to think that under pressure, I will rise to the occasion. Obviously, if I didn't think that, why would I be doing this? I totally believe I can do it though it is not without significant challenges.
I just think I'm at that point in my life. Since Uni started, I feel that I've really stagnated, just out of pure lack of memorable moments. It's not that I haven't accomplished things or had significant change, I just don't feel that I'm living as intensely as I could be.
Every year at Christmas, we go around the table and we all have to talk about ourselves for a minute, our yearly update. Now, there were a few years I dreaded (and I wasn't alone, my brother and cousins hate this too) because we didn't have a job or a boyfriend/ girlfriend etc or we hadn't got our P's but since High School, I have very much blossomed in the eyes of my family. I work and get great marks in my double degree and I coach and drive and pay board and now my latest will be going overseas for 6 months, which none of my cousins have done :) Since I'm doing the degrees of my two closest cousins combined, it's nice to step out in a way. Lizzy said a few months ago that it's like the extended family is kind of getting to know me now, that I have my own interests and am defining myself as more than just quiet and one of the kids. I approve of that.
Thursday, 8 August 2013
I'm just so angry.
Beyond that I'm frustrated, upset, sad, guilty, apprehensive...
I just hate it when my day gets ruined by something unexpected, by someone whose opinion I didn't even realise I gave a damn about.
At ski trip, one night while two guys and I stayed up late talking, one said that he thinks I know a lot more than I say, that I'm quiet but I have a lot of secrets and info stored up in my brain. It's true, I do. I have a lot of close girl friends, cousins, I have a well connected best friend who also tells me a lot of the gossip I'm not privy to, and I've been close enough with enough guys in my group to get a pretty good bank of secret shit going.
I have this bad habit though of sharing more than should with my best friends. Example of this is that my bffl and her boyfriend fought for over a week after I found out something from someone about her boyfriend and unthinkingly repeated it to her. I like to think I had good intentions and that honesty is the best policy, but I know I have problems with tact sometimes and I suppose I tend to meddle in relationships that aren't my business.
But this time I'd been good. It's not often I keep my mouth glued shut to my bffl, but this time I did. The only person I said anything to about what I'd been told was his fucking girlfriend, who pretty much knew everything I said anyway! I didn't give her any deep dark secrets, I gave her a brief overview, repeated a few funny quotes (in no way mocking and being mean to anyone, just quirky things), and praised him a bunch for being a cool guy. I didn't try to start arguments, and when I brought up something mildly, mildly inflammatory, I tried to be a mediator between their perspectives on an issue he'd said they'd discussed a bunch before unsuccessfully but didn't seem to me like a major thing, just a little niggle.
For the most part, I just wanted to tell her what we talked about because she hadn't been able to come on the trip and I wanted her to feel like she was never left out, that we talked about her most of the time anyway.
And then it was just little things like
a) When guys that don't often swear start saying 'fuck', it scares me. I hate being on the receiving end of large amounts of anger, it's unnerving.
b) He pretty much called me a slut. After I replied to what he said, he did message back saying he didn't think that, but it was in his vocab talking about what I did with you-know-who so yeah, whatever. It did hurt my feelings. He was right originally, he doesn't have half a clue what you-know-who and I actually did or felt or why so no fucking judgement necessary. And he doesn't deserve a pat on the back for not judging either, you don't get congratulations for being a fucking decent human being.
c) He pretty much called me a coward for having a panic attack when we were skiing, like it was pathetic and stupid and that was such a scathing comment it took me aback. Really, out of everything he said, that's where I really wanted to just tell him fuck you. Skiing is so far out of my comfort zone he can't even imagine. No one, not even in my extended family has ever gone skiing, and I do it every fucking year. I'm not particularly good, I do it in an incredible amount of pain that I don't fucking whine about and it scares me. And so yeah, after falling and hitting my head the previous day, on an afternoon after 3 days of skiing, I get coaxed into trying a blue run that out of any run, is the one I hate the most, that I remembered the name of and said before we even got to the snow that there would be no way I was doing because I remember doing it the last two years and not enjoying it. So yeah, I couldn't breathe and I backed out. And he was nice about it and made me think it was okay, only that doesn't count once he's angry at me, then I'm just a cry baby wuss getting upset about something stupid. Fuck that. I didn't stop him from doing it, he admitted after that it wouldn't have been a good run to do with the snow the way it was and I got to do runs in the mean time that I could enjoy.
He just has such a superiority complex. Yes, he's relatively intelligent, about the same as me probably (he probably thinks higher), he's had a great deal of exposure to outdoor/extreme sports, like skiing, rock climbing etc, and he's handy with anything electrical. Whereas my strengths are swimming, team sports and climbing to an extent because I have no fear when it comes to heights. Everybody has different fucking comfort zones when it comes to different fucking things. When you've never been exposed to something, of course you aren't going to have the same confidence as someone who's been raised with it their entire life. it doesn't make you weak or a wuss or a bad person to admit to being afraid or to have boundaries or limits or to get upset when you feel overwhelmed around people who are supposed to be your friends.
Overall, this just makes me feel sad because I've ruined my chances of being close friends with this person now and I suppose it won't really matter because it's not like we were good friends before but I'd had higher hopes. And it's just going to strain my friendship with his girlfriend. Honestly, right now I don't want to talk to her, not because I'm mad at her but just because I'll feel lousy.
And so earlier I was crying (because yes, fuck you, I cry when things happen because I get crazy stress adrenaline rushes that make my hands shake and teeth chatter and tears happen, and they aren't weak. Never crying doesn't make you a better or worse person) and I grabbed my phone and in an unusual move for me, I wanted to actually talk to someone on the phone. And I couldn't call my best friend because if I told her what he'd just said to me, he'd think it was the same fucking thing that he was mad about in the first place, like I don't even have a right to her.
It's not the first time he's made me feel like that.
So I called my bffl and she talked while I tried to calm down and then I had basketball and now here I am. Dissecting is the only thing that makes me feel better because I really need to unravel the damn stress ball that lodges itself in my chest whenever someone thinks I'm a bad person. In the end, I'm a people pleaser and it's very difficult for me to chill out when someone whose good opinion I apparently desire thinks I'm shit.
And it's sad because obviously we're still gonna see each other and I'm so sick of having awkward guy friends and I don't not want to be friends. I don't know what's going to happen, because this guy, if he's made up his mind, it could well be for forever.
Certainly I've lost his trust, which was never my intent and as I said to him, if I screwed up, it was unintentional and I never meant to play loose with his secrets. I can't do anything about it now. I guess I'll decide if I still want to see his girlfriend tomorrow night. I love her loads and everything, but right now she just feels like his and certainly I don't want to talk about it with her and misplaced or not, my feelings towards her right now are mostly negative.
Beyond that I'm frustrated, upset, sad, guilty, apprehensive...
I just hate it when my day gets ruined by something unexpected, by someone whose opinion I didn't even realise I gave a damn about.
At ski trip, one night while two guys and I stayed up late talking, one said that he thinks I know a lot more than I say, that I'm quiet but I have a lot of secrets and info stored up in my brain. It's true, I do. I have a lot of close girl friends, cousins, I have a well connected best friend who also tells me a lot of the gossip I'm not privy to, and I've been close enough with enough guys in my group to get a pretty good bank of secret shit going.
I have this bad habit though of sharing more than should with my best friends. Example of this is that my bffl and her boyfriend fought for over a week after I found out something from someone about her boyfriend and unthinkingly repeated it to her. I like to think I had good intentions and that honesty is the best policy, but I know I have problems with tact sometimes and I suppose I tend to meddle in relationships that aren't my business.
But this time I'd been good. It's not often I keep my mouth glued shut to my bffl, but this time I did. The only person I said anything to about what I'd been told was his fucking girlfriend, who pretty much knew everything I said anyway! I didn't give her any deep dark secrets, I gave her a brief overview, repeated a few funny quotes (in no way mocking and being mean to anyone, just quirky things), and praised him a bunch for being a cool guy. I didn't try to start arguments, and when I brought up something mildly, mildly inflammatory, I tried to be a mediator between their perspectives on an issue he'd said they'd discussed a bunch before unsuccessfully but didn't seem to me like a major thing, just a little niggle.
For the most part, I just wanted to tell her what we talked about because she hadn't been able to come on the trip and I wanted her to feel like she was never left out, that we talked about her most of the time anyway.
And then it was just little things like
a) When guys that don't often swear start saying 'fuck', it scares me. I hate being on the receiving end of large amounts of anger, it's unnerving.
b) He pretty much called me a slut. After I replied to what he said, he did message back saying he didn't think that, but it was in his vocab talking about what I did with you-know-who so yeah, whatever. It did hurt my feelings. He was right originally, he doesn't have half a clue what you-know-who and I actually did or felt or why so no fucking judgement necessary. And he doesn't deserve a pat on the back for not judging either, you don't get congratulations for being a fucking decent human being.
c) He pretty much called me a coward for having a panic attack when we were skiing, like it was pathetic and stupid and that was such a scathing comment it took me aback. Really, out of everything he said, that's where I really wanted to just tell him fuck you. Skiing is so far out of my comfort zone he can't even imagine. No one, not even in my extended family has ever gone skiing, and I do it every fucking year. I'm not particularly good, I do it in an incredible amount of pain that I don't fucking whine about and it scares me. And so yeah, after falling and hitting my head the previous day, on an afternoon after 3 days of skiing, I get coaxed into trying a blue run that out of any run, is the one I hate the most, that I remembered the name of and said before we even got to the snow that there would be no way I was doing because I remember doing it the last two years and not enjoying it. So yeah, I couldn't breathe and I backed out. And he was nice about it and made me think it was okay, only that doesn't count once he's angry at me, then I'm just a cry baby wuss getting upset about something stupid. Fuck that. I didn't stop him from doing it, he admitted after that it wouldn't have been a good run to do with the snow the way it was and I got to do runs in the mean time that I could enjoy.
He just has such a superiority complex. Yes, he's relatively intelligent, about the same as me probably (he probably thinks higher), he's had a great deal of exposure to outdoor/extreme sports, like skiing, rock climbing etc, and he's handy with anything electrical. Whereas my strengths are swimming, team sports and climbing to an extent because I have no fear when it comes to heights. Everybody has different fucking comfort zones when it comes to different fucking things. When you've never been exposed to something, of course you aren't going to have the same confidence as someone who's been raised with it their entire life. it doesn't make you weak or a wuss or a bad person to admit to being afraid or to have boundaries or limits or to get upset when you feel overwhelmed around people who are supposed to be your friends.
Overall, this just makes me feel sad because I've ruined my chances of being close friends with this person now and I suppose it won't really matter because it's not like we were good friends before but I'd had higher hopes. And it's just going to strain my friendship with his girlfriend. Honestly, right now I don't want to talk to her, not because I'm mad at her but just because I'll feel lousy.
And so earlier I was crying (because yes, fuck you, I cry when things happen because I get crazy stress adrenaline rushes that make my hands shake and teeth chatter and tears happen, and they aren't weak. Never crying doesn't make you a better or worse person) and I grabbed my phone and in an unusual move for me, I wanted to actually talk to someone on the phone. And I couldn't call my best friend because if I told her what he'd just said to me, he'd think it was the same fucking thing that he was mad about in the first place, like I don't even have a right to her.
It's not the first time he's made me feel like that.
So I called my bffl and she talked while I tried to calm down and then I had basketball and now here I am. Dissecting is the only thing that makes me feel better because I really need to unravel the damn stress ball that lodges itself in my chest whenever someone thinks I'm a bad person. In the end, I'm a people pleaser and it's very difficult for me to chill out when someone whose good opinion I apparently desire thinks I'm shit.
And it's sad because obviously we're still gonna see each other and I'm so sick of having awkward guy friends and I don't not want to be friends. I don't know what's going to happen, because this guy, if he's made up his mind, it could well be for forever.
Certainly I've lost his trust, which was never my intent and as I said to him, if I screwed up, it was unintentional and I never meant to play loose with his secrets. I can't do anything about it now. I guess I'll decide if I still want to see his girlfriend tomorrow night. I love her loads and everything, but right now she just feels like his and certainly I don't want to talk about it with her and misplaced or not, my feelings towards her right now are mostly negative.
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