Lol it's been a while

It's funny, there is this quote that has stuck with me for years - "If you date a writer and they don't write about you, they don't love you." I agreed with it when I first heard it, because it fit with my experience. After all, most of this blog was a product of an endless flow of words to and about someone I loved. It had been a very natural outlet that I assumed that was just a result of love. If I loved someone, they would fill my stories and my posts as long as I loved them. For a time when I started dating Orion, I was worried that I must not love him like I should, because I hardly ever felt the need to write anything, not blog posts, not stories, not letters.

I stopped worrying about that awhile ago though. I think writing is how people deal with sadness and regret and helplessness. I always wrote so much because I wanted to imagine a world that was different, where I could say all the things I hadn't said in real life. Where I could imagine how things could change in the future if only events lined up just so. It was a way to re-analyse - why did he say that, what did he mean? What was going on for him that I didn't see the first time? Why did I say that when I could have done this instead?

I also just don't underestimate the novelty of that whole time of my life. It seems bizarre looking back on it. I don't feel the need to play down how intensely I felt about everything. It genuinely felt like the most important thing that had ever happened to me. Honestly, that was probably because it was. I was a baby basically. But how far have I come? For good or bad, so much more of life has happened. This blog was part of that initial development, stepping out into my own self in a way. I can't imagine ever replicating writing new posts every day or two about some new opinion I was forming. Honestly, I can't imagine having that much free time.

But as intensely as I felt at eighteen, honestly it's got nothing on how I feel now. A few nights ago I had the Psych Ball, with all my cohort and supervisors and teachers and it was such an amazing night. Orion and I had had pre drinks with his Mum, and then we had some great D&M's, I got to introduce him to my supervisors and we danced so much. One of the girls in the Professional Masters program who I have class with said to me "So this is the one you draw all those hearts about?" and while it's kinda lame and Orion was like 'you are literally a schoolgirl', I like that it is so apparent that I love Orion with my whole heart. A new Taylor Swift song came out yesterday and there is a lyric "I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck, not because he owns me, but 'cause he really knows me," and I know it isn't a feminist action to want things like that, but honestly it's relatable.

One of my favourite finds in terms of feminist thoughts this year was the idea of 'feminist actions' as opposed to 'acts committed by feminists'. A women can call herself a feminist but that doesn't mean that all of her actions are 'feminist' or that they are guided by feminism and that that is okay. Not every act in one's life needs to be guided by their politics. I think that is a healthier stance than believing that an action is automatically feminist by virtue of it being done by someone who considers themselves to be feminist. Things like taking your husband's name don't further the feminist cause or work to in any way dismantle patriarchal structures that oppress women, therefore they aren't feminist actions. But that is okay, people can make that choice. Obviously there are a lot of actions that have value that play into societal narratives that are already ingrained, such as being a stay at home mother, or getting married, but those things aren't at all bad, in fact they have tremendous value. But they benefit only the individual, not the cause, therefore not feminist.

Oops, went a little off topic. Not that I really have a point, except updating and exploring this idea of the need to write.

Mia and I discussed this last week, and she was on the same page as me. She also has a diary and while equally to me, she is in the middle of the most transformational year of her life in Masters, neither of us are writing much in our respective diaries. Things just feel so settled. All of the girls in our friendship group have partners now, which is a new adjustment. Viv has a girlfriend and Chels has a boyfriend. Obviously I still have single friends but in terms of the core girl gang, we are all partnered. Even Sarah and Brendan are back together. It does change the dynamic, in ways that are somewhat annoying. We have less drama in general, but also hang out a little less (also because all of us are in post grad at either Masters or PhD level) because partners definitely take up a lot of time and take a lot of pressure off needing girlfriends.

I'd like to instigate most Feminist Film Fridays or more breakfasts with friends, or group lunches. It's just so hard being so busy. Mia and I did lunch Fridays all during term because her schedule was Mon-Wed in Sydney then Thursday working as a tutor while I was in class all day, then Friday's we'd do work together and get lunch. But I saw less of Viv and Chels which is a bummer. I'm sure things would have been so different if I had moved in with Viv and Ryan this year but I don't regret my choice. I saved so much money, so much that I'm going to Mexico for Worlds in December, I had South Africa with Orion in two weeks, and we just bought a Mercedes together (dw it's old). Plus it means we've been living together for almost a year, which is kind of wow. And we talk about the future and love each other and it's all so good really. How did life get this good?

We've only had one fight so far and it was over me watching The Good Place without him so I feel pretty okay about where we are at. Hopefully my time in Mexico will be good for me because I'll have to live without him for two weeks and detox a little because currently I miss him when he goes to work for 6 hours :P I am honestly the least chill girlfriend. But I hope he knows it's just because I love him so much and I think the best thing to do is express it. He's a lil more low key, which is okay too.

Anyway, that's pretty much all I have going on. Masters is going well. I'm doing placement at Westmead Children's Hospital in the cancer ward next year. My research is going well, also ironically in cancer. My clients are all going well. I'm developing as a clinician. As a debater, things are going well (obvi I'm going to Worlds).  I graduated from undergrad finally (won't have to do that again until April 2019 for Masters).

Honestly, this post is mostly occurring because I'm supposed to be studying for Neuropsych and ew. Okay I'm out xoxo

In the biggest plot twist/dream come true since I got into Clinical Masters, I made the UOW1 team for Australs.

Sometimes when I'm not in a woe-is-me-life-is-so-hard, I marvel at how lucky I am and wonder how it is that I deserve the good things that happen to me. Honestly, like I try hard and do a reasonable amount of work so I don't feel I'm handed things inexplicably, but I also feel that often, life is far, far kinder to me that any one person deserves.

Genuinely, life now that I'm thinking about it, is actually going phenomenally well. I'm busy all the time and fall asleep sometimes in class, but I'm in the course I've been working towards since I was 18, and it's everything I hoped it would be. I'm seeing clients now and feeling happy and confident in my ability as a psychologist. I debate most weekends and am improving, which for the first time in awhile has generated really tangible results. I beat a guy for the first time who has beat me in the last three major tournament trials, which means that I have improved enough to say that there are days we are not only on par but I pull ahead. And I think this guy is an amazing debater which now feels weird to say because in the most objective test of debating we have (trials), I beat him, which means I am also an amazing debater. I can't really fathom that as a true fact about the world but I'm pushing down the urge to delete the positive self-praise because I think it's important to put out in the universe until either I believe it and/ or it is true. One of the strangest things about this weird life I'm leading where I am doing so well is that I can't claim the underdog narrative so readily. Most of my debating mental narrative is around being UOW2, underestimated and struggling but tryinng just as hard. That just isn't true now. And I can't blame any failure on not being taken seriously or not having the opportunity now, because this is my opportunity. Having said that, I don't intend to waste this chance.

The thing with being UOW1 with Ben is that you are forced to step up, to practice more, to watch debates online, to read more news, because with prestige and expectation comes pressure. Rather than preparing hard for a tournament in order to spite people who didn't believe you could do it, now you have to prepare to live up to high expectations (but also prove to people you are on UOW1 for a reason). I have a vivid vision of break night at Australs, as we wait anxiously to hear our name in the break, and then it never coming, like UOW1 last year. I would feel like it would be all my fault. But, I'm also thinking about it like this- when you do something that you really care about and that is meaningful to you, that fear is going to be there. It's there because in order to achieve, you are taking a big risk-- of doing everything you can and it not being enough. And that is terrifying, because to fail at something that means so much to you is a big deal, and it will hurt to fail. But that's only one of the possibilities. To try for something that meaningful and achieve it, that is the best thing in the world you can do, Breaking at Australs would fulfil me completely as a debater, it would prove that I could do it. Go from being scared of public speaking and having never debated before to being one of the best 48 speakers in the Asian Pacific region in 3 years, the thought defies all reason and logic. But it is genuinely possible that we could do it.

Anyway.

Back on the theme of 'how did my life get so good?', I'm still dating Orion, and he's literally the best, I love him heaps, we live next door to each other and fall asleep together every night. He makes me really happy, we never have drama, I never have doubts, and somehow despite our differences, we just work. We had our 1 year anniversary last month, not including our 7 months of FWB, and we are super comfortable together. I feel like we are very open and neither of us are hiding major personality flaws. I feel reasonably confident Orion knows who I am and likes that person, Though of course, he should, I am genuinely a catch. As is he, in different ways. I think back to high school, and I had such anxiety about finding someone, and being good at relationships and feeling so inadequate. I feel like this is much easier to say when you are in a good relationship, but I just don't feel those anxieties now. Firstly because I feel like I am good enough to 'deserve' a relationship, which is a strange thing, because honestly, I think it almost works as a chicken before the egg deal, because you get a relationship, be like 'well, it's working so clearly I am qualified' which is silly and relies on the fact that someone else wanted to date you to validate your worthiness. But then, it allows you to consider all your good qualities without pressure and realise you are pretty good. Hopefully if I am single again at some point, I will be able to remember this mindset where I feel confident that I bring a lot to the table as an ambitious, intelligent 23 year old.

But also, in terms of being 'good at relationships', I feel like I got in on the relationship train just as it was starting to pull out of the station, in terms of ages where it is socially accepted as normal to still be having 'firsts' in terms of relationships. While of course you aren't doomed after that, your options begin to decrease quickly because being in your first relationship has a lot of extra work for the other person and the risk of it crashing and burning is way higher because a) you don't know what you want yet, b) you don't have strategies for conflict resolution yet and c) your expectations for a relationship are likely very far from reality. I lucked out with Orion because he's really good at relationships (and smarmy about it) but his relationship philosophy or style or whatnot just made it really easy for me to develop good habits and expectations. For example, I feel like in my relationship, I do far more communicating about my needs that Orion does, but it's only because he gave me a very safe space to do that that I have developed that skill so well that I never have to resort to passive aggressiveness or frustration over unmet needs. Honestly, if anything, it's him that now needs to extra push to talk about things that bother him cos I'm constantly all cards on the table. But it's a very lovely place to be, when you aren't worried that being all cards on the table is going to fuck you later down the track. Same with being open about feelings, it's the nicest feeling in the world.

My friendships as well are all just good too. My friend Himmi and I just caught up last night with a two hour phone call and it felt like 10 minutes, we only hung up because it was 1230am. Even though I'm busier, I am trying to make time for as many people and events as humanely possible. Anyway, I have currently fucked up by writing this until 12:16 am. Good night, enjoy the life update, xoxo

February

I've had a really good month!

Last month I worried that I threw too much expectation out into the universe, and that it would come back and bite me, but thankfully that has not been the case. All month I've worked my butt off ensuring that I've been jogging, or lately swimming, every second day at least, and I've been eating healthy and keeping my room neat and I'm just... real life adulting really successfully right now.

Only one real stumbling block has appeared thus far. At the beginning of the month, after reaching 3k on my runs, my knee started giving me trouble. I meant to just take one day off, swim instead and then get back to it. However, I then fell off a skateboard (cos I am learning how to skateboard) on that same knee and now it's not very happy with me. It is still quite bruised up and while it doesn't hurt now, it doesn't like me to kneel on it or put pressure on it. Walking and swimming are fine, but I'm not willing to jog again until it's better. So instead swimming! I do 1km or more most days, with the bae most of the time, and it's also a really fun way to exercise.

It's actually just perfect weather and season for it. The water is warm, the sun is warm, and since I'm on break still, I can go whenever I want as long as it's not the middle of the day when I'll burn. So I think the setback with my knee didn't cost me anything, except it may take me slightly longer to reach 5km. Which is fine, there is no real rush.

My 'learning to cook' has been really successful so far. I've mastered Satay Chicken to the extent that I'm inviting my family over to dinner tonight and I'm cooking for them, and for Galentine's I made Honey Pumpkin Risotto, which is fantastic. I've also tried to make curries and stir fries and I have a bunch of recipes just waiting to be field tested. It's good for my Uncle too, because he gets to eat all the things I make. I'm actually also just really happy that almost everything I'm cooking is vegetarian. Apart from the satay chicken, everything I make at home is meat-free. Partly it's just because it's cheaper to eat tofu or veggies, but mostly I'm making a concerted effort to learn vegetarian meals, so it's actually easier to just eat vegetarian because that's what I know how to do. I'm getting much more conscious about why it's good to eat less or no meat, and while I don't feel guilty for consuming on special occasions, I think I'm giving up eating it just whenever. Like, my lunch wraps are always just salad wraps and they are totally fine. I just put feta or avo or something extra delicious on it to make it tasty.

I have also just been eating healthy. Not strictly or calorie counting beyond just general estimates to ensure that I'm on track, but eating home cooked meals, almost no chocolate and less snacking has really done a lot so far. After six weeks, I'm fitting into dresses better and feeling really good about my progress. My goal was to fit into a specific old dress for Galentine's and I did. It still not an easy, one movement zip, but it did up with relative ease compared to it not fitting or requiring 5 minutes of struggle, which was the situation a few weeks ago. My next clothing goal involes being able to wear the dress with a bra comfortably. I have my next occasion to wear it in two months time (Easters) and I think that's totally enough time to achieve that goal if I stay eyes on the prize. I also just want my jeans to fit nice and loosely and comfortably this winter. I barely wear jeans just because they tend to be tight and annoying, so this year it would be nice to have jeans that fit where there is no muffin top, or to be able to move down a size. Ah, dreams, dreams.

I only broke the healthy eating a couple of days ago because of Galentines and Valentines. While I didn't at all binge, I had always had those dates in the diary for a bit of a splurge. Galentine's involves a lot of alcohol and a pot luck of both savory and sweet foods, and Valentine's involves eating out and treating yo' self,  so I just planned for it in advance. And oh god, was it worth it! The hot chocolate with whipped cream at Valentine's brunch was everything I had dreamed and eating bread and cheese on a picnic blanket with your boyfriend while watching a movie is #aesthetic af. I ate unhealthy for a 24 hour period of debauchery, didn't work out, just enjoyed a party with my girl friends, brunch with bae and some close friends, and dinner and dessert with my boyfriend. That's some really nice life balance. I think at the point where you don't do fun things with the people you care about because it might involve calories or overeating, that's a problem. There are so many non-event days that you can be healthy for with no social cost, that it doesn't make sense not to go out on the special days. Oh no, it may take me a couple of extra days to reach my goals! The horror.

Anyways, Valentine's was really nice because the relationship is going really well. I told bae that the only thing I wanted was him to get me a card that filled both inside pages with his thoughts about me and our relationship. It took him until 11:59 to hand it over, but it was worth it when he did. Bless communication and being able to express what you want. It really makes life good. Having written assurance of feelings is worth 10 x the amount of verbal declarations. I can also treasure written notes much better than I can remember verbal ones.

I've also made a budget for the first time in my life, which is challenging but a really important thing. Now that I'm living out of home and I'm in complete control of my finances, and wanting to know if I'll be able to afford debating comps and holidays and food and whatnot, it's important. My budget was pretty aspirational, in that it was perhaps a bit of a stretch to think I could save as much as I budgeted but I'm currently just recording how much I spend each day, so I can make it more accurate. You don't realise how many 'extras' you pay for until you do this, I swear to God. Thankfully, I have some ways to make extra cash lined up so I think I'll be able to make this work, if I can just cut out (for the most part) getting food while out. That's such a money drain, though the real test will be if I can not spend money at Uni once semester starts and I'll need to pack multiple meals and snacks to get me through a day without buying lunch.

In other news, I have my orientation for Clinical next week and soon after that I'll actually start! I'm really excited but also feeling unprepared. I'm hoping I'll have the motivation and determination to sustain me through the semester/year/degree. I want to do as well in Masters as I did in Honours, not just academically but I want a good work/life balance and I want to really have myself together. Hopefully Masters will allow for that.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll update you in March as to how I'm going (hopefully just keeping on on on!)

January

Welcome to 2017!

After New Years, I moved out of home... approximately four doors up the hill and in with my disabled uncle, who conveniently lives in the same apartment as my boyfriend.

Hurray!

So now we live even closer than before, and with a (with limits) open door policy, it's almost like living together, without much of the icky commitment and with our own bedrooms for space. I was pretty ambivalent about the moving thing until I did it. Like, I was sad to move out of home, I like home. It's cheap and much nicer than I can afford myself, and I like Mum and Tom.

However, now that I am out and I have everything set up nicely and I'm settled in, I very much like living where I am. I can still save money while I'm here, I get a step closer to domesticity with the bae and while I don't necessarily get more freedom in terms of having parties and friends over and having loud sex, I do know not have anyone telling me what to do. I have a lot more responsibility for groceries/washing/cleaning etc, but that means I do things the way I want them done, and without Mum around, I can finally learn to eat/cook like a normal person (she can't handle any scent stronger than pepper in the kitchen, let alone onion or garlic or soy sauce). I'm learning to cook, which is exciting and motivating. Bae took me grocery shopping, to get all the basics in bulk. I've never had half the stuff before, but bae is a good cook and he'll help me get all the basic meals down.

Living with John is fine, I just keep to my room when I don't want to interact and he's talkative but not like, coming knocking on my door to talk. When he has seizures, I get a bit unsure, they don't last long but it's always unsettling to have any kind of unexpected yelling and seizure noises. I don't have to do anything, one just happened and I just went out into the living room and was like 'You okay?" and he was like 'yeah' so it's fine, but I feel bad for not doing more, though I don't know what more there is to do. My aunties are around a lot too which is fine. I don't mind if Orion comes out of my bedroom while they are there, it doesn't both anyone. I don't think John minds either.

I have cute fairy lights everywhere in my room, and I culled all my stuff, so everything is quite neat! I was pretty sure I would be neater when I moved out if I could develop the habit from day 1. Like, a new environment that I've never experienced as messy is much less likely to deteriorate because neat is the norm, rather than the exception. So going back to 'neat' is the baseline expectation. At the very least, I'm trying to form better habits and I think new starts are the best time to do it, so #newyearnewhousenewme

I've also started jogging, another new years thing but you know, I'm hopeful and positive about it. I'm starting slow, and not overdoing it. I look forward to it so far, rather than dreading it. I try to conceptualise the run in my head as my time for myself, when I feel really good and something to feel thankful for, rather than curse. I think a lot of my problems just need some old fashioned CBT to really change my perceptions. I'm gonna run 2k tomorrow, as my 7th run for the year, and that's not a lot in terms of distance, but it's not nothing either. I'm pretty unfit but if I keep it up, I'll be running 3k by the end of the month and 5k by early March. It doesn't need to be instant amazing distances, cos if I go slow and get the running mindset right, it could be sustainable through the year. So far, I go every second day at 7am, around the lighthouse and an every increasing distance beyond. Tomorrow I should reach the WEC, after two weeks of doing it. Part of me is like noooo don't talk about it yet, it hasn't been long enough, it's gonna be embarrassing if you stop, and don't actually keep it up, but y'know, putting plans out into the universe is good. It makes me accountable and also I just like talking about the things I'm doing as I do them. Right now, I think this is the time, I think this is me getting the balance right, and it's gonna work. The combo of eating right and exercising is gonna do me good, if it lasts another two weeks, another two months, or six months or all year.

I'm very happy with where I am right now. Getting into good habits with food, fitness and neatness before clin comes into my life and brings with it stress and makes my life hectic. Yay 2k17!