So things in my life are pretty weird right now. I have an assignment due in 24 hours which I have no idea when I am going to do due to catching a flight to Brisbane early tomorrow, and I should be doing it now but I just cannot bring myself, it's strange. And awful, because failing now could ruin everything I've ever worked for, but I just cannot bring myself to care, I have assignment PTSD and cannot face it.

Going to Women's tomorrow, which I've been looking forward to for forever. Brisbane with my lady friends, we're gonna have a ball. We're gonna wreck, I'm looking forward to some hopefully good results!

Mia and I are also sort of back on track which is awesome. Last week I was really down about it, like I'd accepted that we were never going to be best friends again, it was too broken. Ben and I even talked about it, kind of. He knew she was dating Ollie and in the first time in history he took my side in anything against her and said it was a shitty thing for her to do, especially since it's her track record, since she'd also done it when she started dating him, despite me having real serious feelings. Which was also odd to acknowledge. I mean, of course he knew about it, probably at the time, but it was an unspoken thing because obviously, embarrassing and awkward. But when we were talking about the whole thing, us not being friends anymore, I think I must have said something like, it's not the first time she's done it and I couldn't let that go, and then Ben agreed and was like, (for the benefits of the others we were with), yeah, since you've implied it, and then went on to acknowledge that whole thing and say Mia treated me badly, which was like woah, did pod people invade?

But this week after some fun gossip worthy events occurs (which I will get to), I decided to message her and entice her into talking to me by spilling the beans on the gossip and demanding a D&M. She didn't reply straight away and I'd basically given up when she did reply and split the whole story, leading to like a 3 hour catch up about everything, and she gave me all the advice I'd needed her for. I mean, that wasn't a lie, I really did need her opinion. She's a psycho but she knows me best and she gives straight up advice. Most people are just like, listen to your gut, and say good luck. Mia doesn't really do backseat friendship, she just straight up gives her honest opinions and while she did tell me some things that I didn't particularly want to hear, it was what I needed. I didn't want to make a major decision without her, she's my best friend and I've never been alone to make decisions about my love life or sex life without her direct input. Is that codependent? Maybe, but she's my best friend, she's important to me and her opinion matters. I didn't want to let something major go by without acknowledging that she should know about it. And it was the right decision I think, to bond over something like this.

Now onto what this is. I've ended up falling into a friends with benefits relationship with one of my male debater friends. We hooked up the first time on Saturday night, he slept over Wednesday night and honestly, in the next few weeks, I'll be very surprised if we haven't started sleeping together. As in sex, because we already sleep together. I mean, we could have had sex last night if I'd wanted it, only I'm still not sure and am waiting until I am. Not that I held back particularly much, beyond lack of penetrative sex lets be real. I still consider myself a virgin, and my lack of experience means that I do still want something special. This is super fun, and we're mates, but it's not love. Oh, did I mention he has a girlfriend. Don't worry though, you may be thinking, fuck Lucy, back to the old standby, are you insane, but it's okay, it's an open relationship so I'm not doing anything wrong except that I cannot catch feelings due to there being no chance of them being reciprocated. I don't have feelings now to be clear, and I honestly thought it wouldn't be a problem at all, but Mia thinks for me, feelings are inevitable and the end will be super messy. And since we are in the same friend and social group, that will be bad. Maybe it'll end like that, but I hope not. And I do have hope that this will go on just as long as I want it to, and when I become bored or over it or I find someone new, I end it gracefully and we both move on no questions asked, no feelings hurt. Hopefully that is not SUPER naive.

I just need a 'for now', and I need experience and fuck, I need sex. The more I nearly get it, the more I realise that I really, really want it. Like, on a regular basis. I want my chance to be kinky outside of my own head or page. And I feel so confident when I'm naked and on top of a guy. I don't know why I find that so empowering but when my tits are in that guys face, I'm like, I really am desirable and this guy is lucky that I am here with him. Maybe if I feel that more, I'll start feeling it in real life too. So yeah, more sleepovers in my future hopefully.

Okay I think that's all my news. Oh, I'm still being really healthy, eating right, gyming a lot, losing weight. I want to be skinny and I will be. And fit. So that's good. And no more shrink (I'm cured, I'm cured!!) because I am doing better and will hopefully be able to continue to handle things.

Xoxogossipgoat

This year so far has been such a strange one. This Summer was one of the happiest I can remember, I had all my friends around me, I was feeling good about myself and being active, I had a job so my bank account was super healthy, and it was summer so of course I was happy.

But as tends to occur, summer doesn't last forever and sweet summer children need to harden the fuck up because shit gets real eventually. Liz died and Mia and Ben broke up and I hated Uni assignments so much that this semester I actively avoid them due to some kind of assignment PTSD, and it was such a confusing time because I don't know how to be sad always or happy without catching a glimpse of the deep dark grief on the edge of the horizon, but I fell in love that Autumn too, deeply, in the calmest, most easy way, that made me feel happy and kind and loving and cherished, even if it wasn't romantic love and I felt devastated when it was over though only for a night, before I began to cope.

That's what this entry is about- coping. How people manage to do it, no matter the circumstances, we go on and on and on because that's all we can do. Or suicide I suppose but that's never something that has ever crossed my radar, even for a second, for which I am grateful, because I know many other people's journeys are not so fortunate.

Something people have told me this year is that I'm strong. That I have some strength that is worth noting, that is commendable and that not everyone has. I don't know if that is true or not but apparently I have low self esteem when it comes to accepting good things about myself, especially things that are pervasive throughout many situations, not just one in particular #therapy

I felt skeptical about this strength thing because I didn't think I did anything anyone else wouldn't do. I coped. I carried on, and didn't let my life fall apart because that's just what I had to do. It doesn't seem to me like a feat of strength to do what you have to do. I actively understood that it would be difficult, and I channelled all my feelings in the best ways I knew how. Me and my brain have been doing this dance together for 21 years now, we have a pretty good idea of what works because I'm a pretty self reflective and introspective person. The most detailed character study I'm ever going to do is on myself and I'm still learning but I knew what I needed with Liz, for the most part. I knew I needed as few regrets as possible and in her last year I did see her a lot and I was there. The last things she said to me were I love you very much and I am so proud of you and I told her I loved her and that she was the best cousin ever because it was true, and even know I can't think of anything else that I could have said that would have been better, even if it bemuses me some of the other random things I told her, things that didn't matter to someone that was dying, but that she listened to regardless and I think she understood. I don't regret seeing her that last time and while I understand why some relatives didn't want their last memory to be sad and of a Liz they didn't recognise, for anyone who was close, it wasn't an option not to say goodbye and it didn't change how I saw her or the wonder of her life, it didn't change the whole story by fucking up the ending, it just made it more complete and final.

I knew for the funeral that I needed the right dress. I didn't know why exactly at the time, it seemed so superficial, to think about how I looked, to care who saw me and thought I was beautiful in my grief but I cared and thought badly of myself for it. I realise now that a large part of it was a coping mechanism that gave me a sense of control over everything by planning out the only aspect of the funeral that I could, and that that heavy black dress that I tried on every day leading up to funeral was my way of feeling in control, that as long as I had that dress on, with its high neck and modest length and soft fabric that made me feel older and wiser and solemn in a way that I couldn't otherwise feel, things would be alright. The dress also made things feel real, which was one of the things I most struggled with. I still think that I am different in that way and believe that grief does change you, and that the world is split into people that have experienced it and those that haven't. But also that grief is just isolating and even among people who share that grief, if I think of Liz in a random moment and look around at my friends who are laughing and smiling, I feel the oddest sense of betrayal and isolation, though it isn't real. No one is sad all the time and of course you cannot expect everyone to share the exact same grief cycle. I don't know how others cope, or cry, or feel lost or who look at me laughing and feel that same sense of disconnect.

I still think about Liz everyday, sometimes briefly, sometimes for hours on end. I can remember her for 50 reasons in 50 minutes and only rarely am I disabled by it. Sometimes I need a moment, other times I need a cry, or a comfort item like her ribbon in my hair or to do something that she'd have done or would approve of. A lot of the new stuff I've been doing this year are things she did and I remember what she said about it and feel very grateful that her advice is still guiding me, even the same random shit like going to the gym early so you can drive and then move your car into good parking while it is still early. Total life hack. Some stuff I know she did I do know and feel eerie, like I am experiencing something that she did, maybe thinking what she did, sharing a little bit of her life. These are the things that help me cope. Same with the ribbons that I wore religiously for about four months before realising I didn't need them anymore.

For me, strength is just having coping strategies that work for you and the rest is just luck, that the mind and body you have has been gifted with fortitude and grit and a tendency towards happiness. There's a discussion to be had at this point about whether or not we have free will or if our unique mix of chemicals and brain chemistry and experience and protective factors set us up to fail or succeed with complete determination. Honestly I am reluctantly a determinist, who thinks that all of my good qualities, like my ability to get up early and go to the gym and word hard, it's not me, it's just luck, the mix of what makes my mind up. Even if I was to try to improve my mind, change the characteristics that make me up , my mental abilities, the motivation for those changes is innate. All we ever need is the right stimulus or input and we'll get a set, pre determined result. Should people get props for that?

Let's get off philosophy. What I learnt this year, in this year of 'it was the best of times, it was the worst of times' is that I do have a profound ability to cope with sadness and loss and not feel broken. I lost Liz, I lost Jen and then I lost Mia this year. Jen thankfully I only lost to distance, and she still plays a role in my life, albeit a reduced one due to not being here to experience it with me. Mia though... Somehow we ended, with a whimper, rather than anything rather dramatic. I still have hope for us. I've called her my best friend for life for far too long to do anything less, but I am also very calm about the loss, knowing that right now the ball is in her court, that regardless of outcome we will never be the same (for better or for worse), and that if we are never friends again, it won't mean that we didn't love each other very much, that she was anything less that exactly what I needed for many years and that if our lives changing and us changing with them was too much for that best friendship then that is okay too.

Every day I grow without her and in a new direction, and as much as I miss knowing which way she is blooming and who is guiding that growth if not me, I feel okay letting it go. I'm pleased with where I am and even more excited by where I am going, and who I might end up being and what I want from life and from people and from relationships and what I expect.

Maybe that is what strength is. To feel okay with independence, with yourself, to be alone and to survive. To make new friends and to make changes when necessary. To water the grass on the side o the fence you are in, not stare enviously at the green grass elsewhere, because the grass is always greenest where you water it.

Fuck it, I'm just gonna say it, regardless if it's self determined or pre determined. I am strong. I'm proud of myself for this year. I have faith that the rest of the year will be better and that I'll reach my goals and end up in places I didn't expect but will enjoy more for their unexpectedness. The way that in some culture broken bowls are put back together with gold to fill the cracks, I'm going to make the sad times of this year mean something, to help guide me through to better times, to inspire me to reach my goals and seek happiness wherever I can. I know that's cheesy. But sometimes cheesy is good. I wanna feel better, and be better, and I have such big dreams, if only I have the confidence and the willpower and the determination to keep reaching for them.

Quick Life Update aka busy as a bee but hella productive

I am exhausted. I've been feeling really good and motivated lately, leading to me making reasonably large life changes in terms of eating well, going to the gym like, five or six times a week, debating literally every weekend this month, plus being exec, plus 10 hours of volunteering a week, plus trying to do well in classes and being more social than I've ever been and have good times making memories plus finding new friends, since Mia doesn't want to talk to me and I'm starting to wonder if we'll ever be friends again. Life is busy.

Like, take today and tomorrow. Today I woke up at 5:30am for the third time this week, and went to the gym, doing BodyPump for the first time. Which is awesome, go me, I was super nervous because I always am when I am not 10000% sure where I am going, what it will be like, if I'm capable etc, but now I've gone once, 95% of that anxiety is gone and I can add BodyPump to my weekly gym roster. Then I moved my car into free parking, walked back to uni and had breakfast, which I prepared the night before along with my lunch due to the 12 hour uni day I was expecting, and then went to Discovery Space where I volunteer all morning, then rushed straight to a meeting with someone from CSE and all of the OrgCom for Easters 2017, which we are preparing a bid for (and expecting to win). Then I had a break, whcih I spent sleeping on a picnic blanket on the Duckpond Lawn in the sun, then had a two hour tute at 3:30. So even though I was at uni from 6am, I didn't actually have any class until nine and a half hours later. Then I was supposed to go to debating for two hours and then possibly Hangdog with friends but then I remembered I had promised Mum that I would cook a roast tonight. Well, I offered, because I want to make sure I know how to do it (hint: I don't really know). So now I'm home, after stopping at the shops to get pumpkin and gravy, and the roast is in the oven, so we'll see how that goes. I just put it in with some oil, salt and pepper which I think is okay???

Then tomorrow is the first day of ANU Spring, one of the biggest debating Tournaments of the semester, at ANU, which is in Canberra, so tomorrow I am waking up early again to go 6:15am RPM which is just my Friday habit due to normally having early tutes, then I am driving to Liz's and picking up Pugsley, her pug (obviously) and Vivian and I are going to take him for a walk around the Lighthouse and whatnot. Then home, straight to uni with my packed bag for the weekend for a meeting with the previous treasurer so I can work out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing, then one tute that I can't miss, and then off to ANU for the first debate which starts at 6pm I think. I assume we will get to the hostel at some point, I don't fucking know, it's going to be a big day and it's only really big because I'm making it big aka gym and pugs, and not just skipping my one tute, but I feel like I need to do all those things to make me happy, but at the same time I'm worried that I'm spreading myself a tad thin.

 And I don't want to stop because everything I'm doing, exercising a lot, eating healthy, socialising, extra curricular activities, are all super positive, as long as I don't drop the ball on any of them. I don't think I will, as long as I have some scheduled me time and a lot of chances to nap. I really like naps.