So, revelations of the day.
Firstly, that part of the reason why I am mad at Mia is because I'm angry at myself for not going after Ollie when I had the chance, and even though I don't want to now, she got something I didn't have the balls to try to get because she's a pretty brave chick and I wasn't. That's on me and I can't put that on her.
This means that what I was telling myself about her proving that she's prettier/funnier/more attractive/interesting/all-around-better-person than me by dating him is totally wrong. Not only because obviously no boy should have the power to 'prove' which of us is better, regardless of who he chooses personally. He's one person, and his opinion of me isn't important. And the second important part, who knows what would have happened if I'd actually gone after him. It's not like we held a contest where we showed ourselves off and then told him 'pick!'. I never took any extra steps, I never let on how I felt, and the big steps I took, while still awesome and like, go me, still weren't enough for me to say, I really put him in a position to choose me. So the insecurity I feel isn't legitimate and I think I can move past it now.
It was also pointed out to me that maybe one of the reasons Mia's boyfriend likes her is because she and I are similar. After all, we're best friends, we share a lot of the same values and sense of humour, likes and dislikes, goals. Obviously, if he likes her, he's also approving of a lot of stuff I have going for me. Rather than looking at it like Australia's Next Top Model where he's the judge and she and I are waiting to see which of us gets chosen, in like a 'yes, love it all' and 'ew get out' way, we're both great and the fact that he likes her is an indirect compliment to me too, really. Mia and I are great, of course people should like us. So the story I was telling myself wasn't necessarily accurate and while I'm not saying 'well if he likes her, then he should like me just as much!' but rather that firstly, we're more alike than different so even if he hated everything that made me different from Mia, he'd still be approving of most of me, and again, even if he hated everything that made us different, it doesn't mean that those differences are bad. It just means that he's more suited to her than me and there will be lots of boys in the future that are more suited to me. And in any case, I like the things that make me different to Mia, because I like who I am.
Also that there are a lot of reasons Mia has for the choice she made. Mia's confident, but she's not invincible and falling for someone new is a really nice, positive thing and I can imagine that being difficult to resist after a pretty rough few months. I've been dealing with Lizzy and I have been so busy and emotionally distant and teasing her about liking Jen more than her that I haven't been able to be there for her as much as I'd have liked to be. As much as I'd like to think I'm a perfect friend, I'm not. It's true, I don't think I'd do what she did, but maybe I would have. When she and Ben broke up, I had some thoughts re: ben that if I'd have acted on, would have been much worse than her starting to date Ollie. Maybe I would have acted on them if given the chance. So I can blame her, but not so much. Making really noble self sacrificing moves to save friends from hurt is difficult, especially if you can justify that hurt being minimal or subjective.
I think Mia has a possible multitude of reasons for dating Ollie. Firstly that she likes him, that he likes her and that it must be really nice to have someone there, who can be supportive and comforting and fun and exciting. When you're sad, I'm sure that's something that gets prioritised. Also, it must be quite validating to be able to start dating someone new, since Ben had a girlfriend and got over things much quicker than I imagine Mia expected. I imagine that was quite a blow to the ego, and while not a good reason to date someone, I wouldn't be surprised if that played a part. I'm also sure that she's still learning her way around the dating game and this was finally her chance to have something work. She had a bunch of pretty lame dates and one night stands, and Ollie comes with the validation of the fact that I thought he was worth dating. Assuming she values my opinion then it kind of makes sense to pick someone that has my seal of approval as a person, even though he didn't have my SOA as a potential date mate for her. I'm not saying that all this stuff absolves her from choosing to date him even though she knew I didn't approve and it hurt my feelings, but now that I'm figuring this stuff out about why it shouldn't hurt my feelings, perhaps it doesn't matter so much and I can get past it with all forgiven.
I'm also starting to recognise the other path I could have taken, instead of declaring us on a break, I could have just insisted on a long talk about it. Instead, we had a short, angry talk where I at least, was doing very little listening and a lot of just waiting for my turn to talk and then I left and came up with BREAK. Maybe I should have asked the hardest questions and really tried harder to understand. I think I didn't because I thought I already understood it all, and I didn't want to be swayed from my current path and opinion (basically that she was wrong and I was right to be angry).
Now? I think I'm going to go through the next week, and after that, I think I'll message her or call her and organise dinner. I'll tell her all of this, and if she says the things that I need her to, whatever those things are, then we can be friends again and I'll happily listen to her about Ollie or anything that's going on for her.
I think I understand now that I have no reason to see Ollie wanting to date Mia as meaning anything negative about me. If that holds true, I have no reason to be uncomfortable or embarrassed by him and maybe then I can start being excited for the fact that she's dating someone who not only makes her happy but that I think is really nice.
Firstly, that part of the reason why I am mad at Mia is because I'm angry at myself for not going after Ollie when I had the chance, and even though I don't want to now, she got something I didn't have the balls to try to get because she's a pretty brave chick and I wasn't. That's on me and I can't put that on her.
This means that what I was telling myself about her proving that she's prettier/funnier/more attractive/interesting/all-around-better-person than me by dating him is totally wrong. Not only because obviously no boy should have the power to 'prove' which of us is better, regardless of who he chooses personally. He's one person, and his opinion of me isn't important. And the second important part, who knows what would have happened if I'd actually gone after him. It's not like we held a contest where we showed ourselves off and then told him 'pick!'. I never took any extra steps, I never let on how I felt, and the big steps I took, while still awesome and like, go me, still weren't enough for me to say, I really put him in a position to choose me. So the insecurity I feel isn't legitimate and I think I can move past it now.
It was also pointed out to me that maybe one of the reasons Mia's boyfriend likes her is because she and I are similar. After all, we're best friends, we share a lot of the same values and sense of humour, likes and dislikes, goals. Obviously, if he likes her, he's also approving of a lot of stuff I have going for me. Rather than looking at it like Australia's Next Top Model where he's the judge and she and I are waiting to see which of us gets chosen, in like a 'yes, love it all' and 'ew get out' way, we're both great and the fact that he likes her is an indirect compliment to me too, really. Mia and I are great, of course people should like us. So the story I was telling myself wasn't necessarily accurate and while I'm not saying 'well if he likes her, then he should like me just as much!' but rather that firstly, we're more alike than different so even if he hated everything that made me different from Mia, he'd still be approving of most of me, and again, even if he hated everything that made us different, it doesn't mean that those differences are bad. It just means that he's more suited to her than me and there will be lots of boys in the future that are more suited to me. And in any case, I like the things that make me different to Mia, because I like who I am.
Also that there are a lot of reasons Mia has for the choice she made. Mia's confident, but she's not invincible and falling for someone new is a really nice, positive thing and I can imagine that being difficult to resist after a pretty rough few months. I've been dealing with Lizzy and I have been so busy and emotionally distant and teasing her about liking Jen more than her that I haven't been able to be there for her as much as I'd have liked to be. As much as I'd like to think I'm a perfect friend, I'm not. It's true, I don't think I'd do what she did, but maybe I would have. When she and Ben broke up, I had some thoughts re: ben that if I'd have acted on, would have been much worse than her starting to date Ollie. Maybe I would have acted on them if given the chance. So I can blame her, but not so much. Making really noble self sacrificing moves to save friends from hurt is difficult, especially if you can justify that hurt being minimal or subjective.
I think Mia has a possible multitude of reasons for dating Ollie. Firstly that she likes him, that he likes her and that it must be really nice to have someone there, who can be supportive and comforting and fun and exciting. When you're sad, I'm sure that's something that gets prioritised. Also, it must be quite validating to be able to start dating someone new, since Ben had a girlfriend and got over things much quicker than I imagine Mia expected. I imagine that was quite a blow to the ego, and while not a good reason to date someone, I wouldn't be surprised if that played a part. I'm also sure that she's still learning her way around the dating game and this was finally her chance to have something work. She had a bunch of pretty lame dates and one night stands, and Ollie comes with the validation of the fact that I thought he was worth dating. Assuming she values my opinion then it kind of makes sense to pick someone that has my seal of approval as a person, even though he didn't have my SOA as a potential date mate for her. I'm not saying that all this stuff absolves her from choosing to date him even though she knew I didn't approve and it hurt my feelings, but now that I'm figuring this stuff out about why it shouldn't hurt my feelings, perhaps it doesn't matter so much and I can get past it with all forgiven.
I'm also starting to recognise the other path I could have taken, instead of declaring us on a break, I could have just insisted on a long talk about it. Instead, we had a short, angry talk where I at least, was doing very little listening and a lot of just waiting for my turn to talk and then I left and came up with BREAK. Maybe I should have asked the hardest questions and really tried harder to understand. I think I didn't because I thought I already understood it all, and I didn't want to be swayed from my current path and opinion (basically that she was wrong and I was right to be angry).
Now? I think I'm going to go through the next week, and after that, I think I'll message her or call her and organise dinner. I'll tell her all of this, and if she says the things that I need her to, whatever those things are, then we can be friends again and I'll happily listen to her about Ollie or anything that's going on for her.
I think I understand now that I have no reason to see Ollie wanting to date Mia as meaning anything negative about me. If that holds true, I have no reason to be uncomfortable or embarrassed by him and maybe then I can start being excited for the fact that she's dating someone who not only makes her happy but that I think is really nice.
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