Whenever I see that I haven't updated my blog in nearly 2 months, I feel really guilty because I love my blog and want to keep it a record of my life. I'd feel more guilty if I hadn't written any posts in the last few months but I totally have, most of them were just posted for really short periods of time and then unpublished for whatever reason and now sit in my drafts.
I suppose that's because a lot of my posts have been about Jen lately and the girl checks my blog so its a bit of a weird situation there, in that she finds out things I haven't planned on telling her/ haven't told her yet. Like, when someone tells you something that upsets you, I think it is super normal and the right reaction to hide that, at least partially, so they don't get upset about upsetting you. Like, I'm learning to accept my Hufflepuff ways in that the most important thing to me is that other people are happy. I don't even mean that in a selfless way, I'm really not selfless, I'm hella selfish, but it's just easier to prioritise other people I think. Like, that's something you can control. If you get told something terrible, that will inevitably make you feel bad, that's out of your control, it's just a fact, but you can make it so no one else has to feel bad because of it. So like, of course I support all the decisions my friends make that I think will make them happy.
But I still like to blog about it with my feelings. Blogging is my outlet. Some philosophers theorise that we need language in order to have thought, because we think with words. I'm not saying that is necessarily true but I do think it allows us to think much more complexly. When I blog I take a lot of feelings that don't really lend themselves to intelligent conversation and I explain them with words, which allows me to then define them and understand them. The way I word things now is how I'll look back and remember them, once the feeling is gone.
Anyway, lets get on with the recount of my life for the last month and a half.
It's been... I don't know. I want to say really good, but I can just imagine like a smaller version of me on my shoulder giving me a '... really?Really bitch, you're gonna go with that? Really?' I mean, a lot of shitty stuff has happened, and exams are always hell and its been like a 'when you're going through hell, keep going' mentality tbh, but at the same time, I've seen a lot of good movies lately, like Jurassic World and Mad Max, I've watched a lot of TV series, like Downton Abbey and Upstairs Downstairs (hell yeah british period dramas), I made the Grand Final of a debating competition (what the fuck, I know, I'm still in shock but it went so well omg), I had some hella gay moments with some hella pretty girls, I told Jen I was in love with her (hella brave, I am so proud of myself for expressing feelings), Mia and I are planning to go to Melbourne, exams are half over, my hair is growing long (I dreamed last night that it'd been cut off, I woke up, stared in the mirror, thought 'oh thank god' and fell back asleep), I've had some really nice meals out with friends, and lovely conversations, I've been making friends with people that I never was as close to in High School as I wanted to be, I even went back to Zumba last week and have been writing so much fanfic. Like, things could 1000% be worse.
Obviously the bad stuff has been exams, and Jen going, and feeling sad about Liz, and having a lot of confusing feelings about not wanting things to change, but feeling out of control because everything is changing, but I suppose that stuff isn't so bad. It's just hard to talk about. If any of you guys were quick enough to read my post about Jen going before Jen saw it and I took it down, you'd know my feelings there, even if they were brief and settled into resigned acceptance the next day. I don't miss her or anything. Like she's still around, even if it's online. Lizzy I still think about all the time and that's very confusing. I message her on facebook a lot. Like, I tell her jokes or I tell her that I got my skin checked for melanoma or I tell her about debating, or that I miss her. I don't know, whatever I feel like telling her. I wonder where her phone or laptop is now. I'd love to go online and see everyone that has been messaging her. Maybe just me but maybe not. Jack and I talk about her in a really chill way, like jokes about her being dead or we just are like 'fuck, Lizzy would be so helpful right now' or 'what the fuck liz, why did you keep every set of lecture slides for every subject since first year'. I think I like that we talk like that, because it's not sad. I mean, he is her brother, I can't imagine reacting like that if Tom died but maybe it's the only way we know how to face it.
I'm still not much of a fan of the way life just goes on. I don't feel angry at people for doing so, but I feel such grief sometimes, that Liz won't get to see season 5 of teen wolf, or know that Jon Snow got killed on Game of Thrones. She'll never know if Hilary Clinton becomes President, or what the next fashion trend will be. She and I never discussed much about Jen as anything more than a friend but I know her reaction would have been amazing if she'd been around for that drama. She'd have loved it. Whenever I hear new music, I think fuck Liz might have loved this. And I hate that I've started to call her Liz, because I never did but now she's dead and I only talk to other people about her, not to her, and they all say Liz, it feels wrong but now i'm going to go the rest of my life calling her liz. I'll tell my children about her and I'll be so used to saying Liz that thats what I'll call her and that'll be her name in history.
I don't want to talk about the other stuff. You know it can just be mentally exhausting to talk about things that get you down. They get you down enough in your head that actually focusing extra time on them seems exhausting. I'll get to it one day I'm sure.
I suppose that's because a lot of my posts have been about Jen lately and the girl checks my blog so its a bit of a weird situation there, in that she finds out things I haven't planned on telling her/ haven't told her yet. Like, when someone tells you something that upsets you, I think it is super normal and the right reaction to hide that, at least partially, so they don't get upset about upsetting you. Like, I'm learning to accept my Hufflepuff ways in that the most important thing to me is that other people are happy. I don't even mean that in a selfless way, I'm really not selfless, I'm hella selfish, but it's just easier to prioritise other people I think. Like, that's something you can control. If you get told something terrible, that will inevitably make you feel bad, that's out of your control, it's just a fact, but you can make it so no one else has to feel bad because of it. So like, of course I support all the decisions my friends make that I think will make them happy.
But I still like to blog about it with my feelings. Blogging is my outlet. Some philosophers theorise that we need language in order to have thought, because we think with words. I'm not saying that is necessarily true but I do think it allows us to think much more complexly. When I blog I take a lot of feelings that don't really lend themselves to intelligent conversation and I explain them with words, which allows me to then define them and understand them. The way I word things now is how I'll look back and remember them, once the feeling is gone.
Anyway, lets get on with the recount of my life for the last month and a half.
It's been... I don't know. I want to say really good, but I can just imagine like a smaller version of me on my shoulder giving me a '... really?Really bitch, you're gonna go with that? Really?' I mean, a lot of shitty stuff has happened, and exams are always hell and its been like a 'when you're going through hell, keep going' mentality tbh, but at the same time, I've seen a lot of good movies lately, like Jurassic World and Mad Max, I've watched a lot of TV series, like Downton Abbey and Upstairs Downstairs (hell yeah british period dramas), I made the Grand Final of a debating competition (what the fuck, I know, I'm still in shock but it went so well omg), I had some hella gay moments with some hella pretty girls, I told Jen I was in love with her (hella brave, I am so proud of myself for expressing feelings), Mia and I are planning to go to Melbourne, exams are half over, my hair is growing long (I dreamed last night that it'd been cut off, I woke up, stared in the mirror, thought 'oh thank god' and fell back asleep), I've had some really nice meals out with friends, and lovely conversations, I've been making friends with people that I never was as close to in High School as I wanted to be, I even went back to Zumba last week and have been writing so much fanfic. Like, things could 1000% be worse.
Obviously the bad stuff has been exams, and Jen going, and feeling sad about Liz, and having a lot of confusing feelings about not wanting things to change, but feeling out of control because everything is changing, but I suppose that stuff isn't so bad. It's just hard to talk about. If any of you guys were quick enough to read my post about Jen going before Jen saw it and I took it down, you'd know my feelings there, even if they were brief and settled into resigned acceptance the next day. I don't miss her or anything. Like she's still around, even if it's online. Lizzy I still think about all the time and that's very confusing. I message her on facebook a lot. Like, I tell her jokes or I tell her that I got my skin checked for melanoma or I tell her about debating, or that I miss her. I don't know, whatever I feel like telling her. I wonder where her phone or laptop is now. I'd love to go online and see everyone that has been messaging her. Maybe just me but maybe not. Jack and I talk about her in a really chill way, like jokes about her being dead or we just are like 'fuck, Lizzy would be so helpful right now' or 'what the fuck liz, why did you keep every set of lecture slides for every subject since first year'. I think I like that we talk like that, because it's not sad. I mean, he is her brother, I can't imagine reacting like that if Tom died but maybe it's the only way we know how to face it.
I'm still not much of a fan of the way life just goes on. I don't feel angry at people for doing so, but I feel such grief sometimes, that Liz won't get to see season 5 of teen wolf, or know that Jon Snow got killed on Game of Thrones. She'll never know if Hilary Clinton becomes President, or what the next fashion trend will be. She and I never discussed much about Jen as anything more than a friend but I know her reaction would have been amazing if she'd been around for that drama. She'd have loved it. Whenever I hear new music, I think fuck Liz might have loved this. And I hate that I've started to call her Liz, because I never did but now she's dead and I only talk to other people about her, not to her, and they all say Liz, it feels wrong but now i'm going to go the rest of my life calling her liz. I'll tell my children about her and I'll be so used to saying Liz that thats what I'll call her and that'll be her name in history.
I don't want to talk about the other stuff. You know it can just be mentally exhausting to talk about things that get you down. They get you down enough in your head that actually focusing extra time on them seems exhausting. I'll get to it one day I'm sure.
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