I had such a lovely night tonight.

I hate to wax poetic on my blog about friends, because this blog is relatively public and that can sometimes get weird. I mean, I like most of my friends know where to find my blog if they want to see how things are going for me, but it does mean I have to think more carefully before I blog, just in case anyone reads and gets the wrong idea. Or the right idea.

Oh the good old days when every post was just beating the dead horse of hurt feelings and heartbreak, and the world was simple, if a bit painful.

But now things are so much less clear and my life is very fulfilling in terms of friendship, perhaps more than ever before, and even if I don't have a romantic partner, it matters very rarely.

Tonight, Jen and I went to the O Week screening of Divergent. It was supposed to be under the stars, but it rained pretty heavily all morning, so they went to Plan B and moved inside, which was kinda less exciting, but still fun and free and I was with Jen, who is basically my best friend but also still new and things are still exciting in their newness. We're still doing things together for the first time and it makes me really happen.

It's hard to explain Jen and I. To quote Naya Rivera, probably inappropriately, but it was kinda a Brittana thing so it's not weird that I know this whole quote by heart, but I only just realised it is relevant in this real life situation right now- “And then Jen showed up and instantly, like seriously from the first day I was like ‘I like you'. She was like ‘I like you, too’ and I think that God has laid a hand and now we are best friends.”

I don't think ever in my life, certainly not in my adult life, have I met and clicked with someone so easily and consistently and felt so at ease and confident in a friendship as I do with Jen. Something just went seriously right.

She makes me laugh all the time and she just gets me and I get her too, and it's not like where you have to try really hard to be a good friend and notice in case they're sad or that you haven't missed anything. It just feels easy, like it's supposed to. Like, if someone's really right for you, it should be instinctive to recognise their feelings and you do nice things because it makes you feel good to make them feel good.

I think she's one of my soulmate friends. If I was to believe in soul mates, at least. I'm not saying there is anything mystical about our becoming friends except it was about 5000 coincidences all occurring in a row and led us down a path that could have let us go by never meeting if only one thing had gone differently, but it didn't, and I am so grateful for that, beyond words. 

I mean, I know if I'd have gone on Exchange to Lancaster as I thought I was going to, I'd have made other friends and other experiences and I wouldn't necessarily miss her, because I wouldn't know what to miss, just as the Lucy of an alternate universe could be completely unaware of the joy Jen could have brought her, but I feel sure that in 99% of other possible paths, I wouldn't have gained someone as positive an addition as Jen.

Mia told me fangirling about my friends is weird and I shouldn't do it, but I just spent like sex paragraphs doing that to the extreme so.... oh well. I do it about Mia as well, but I rip up the pages and pages I write about her being like my family because she doesn't like that stuff.

Anyways, after the movie tonight, she drove me home and Style came on so she turned up the radio and we sang along to T Swizzle until we got to my place. It reminded me of the scene in Perks of Being a Wallflower where he says 'and in that moment, I swear we were infinite.' I do like to collect those moments and cherish them deeply.

Anyways, tomorrow is O Week glo party, which should be awesome if I can find people to go with, and then next week Jen invited me as her plus one to a cocktail party so there is that to look forward to, annnd on Saturday I have a good friends 21st and then Uni starting back and I have nearly nearly sorted out my schedule of 5 subjects and 34 credit points (kill me now) and Summer is nearly over which is sad, but it was definitely a lovely one, and while Lizzy is in hospital all this week for radiation, we're texting and it's good. The Melanoma March was this weekend and it was really positive. It was all my family and that, but Jen was there too, so we walked it together which was fun and after I hung with the fam for the picnic lunch. And the school comp for debating was this week, and it went well. We had about 12 schools and made quite a bit of money and as awkward and FUBAR as it was at times, it was a real success, huzzah.

As always life is a bit of a mixed bag, but I try to count my blessings.

I have two things I want to talk about: Galentine's Day and my cousin Lizzy, but this entry is more of a placeholder for the hopefully longer post that will come later when I have the energy to put everything into words.

First, I hosted an awesome girls only party on Galentine's Day and it was epic and tbh, quite flawless. Everyone got along, we had loads of fun, everyone got to be a good amount of drunk without overdoing it, we went out clubbing and had an amazeballs time (well, I did-- I assume everyone else did), and then we went skinny dipping at the beach, which was a baller move and can now be crossed off my bucket list. I half crossed it off in November for swimming in underwear but now it's off the list for good (though it was so much fun it is definitely not off the to-do-again list). Two of my friends met and decided they liked each other so BAM relationship whisperer me, I suppose I should have introduced them sooner but I didn't realise it would be a thing. It is however and they're going on dates and making out all over the place. There is never too much lesbian love in my life so I support this fully, though I wish the lesbian love fairy would sprinkle some of that love a little closer to me! I met Jen's BFF finally, and she was rad and we got along. She gave me a weird drunk monologue about how much she loves me because Jen had told her so much about me which was heartwarming and I am fully hopeful that our friendship will blossom because any girl who loves Jen as much as I do should be a friend. Lastly, Galentine's Day is the best excuse for a party ever, I would never turn down an opportunity to celebrate ladies with my ladies. We did drunk warm and fuzzies, which we shoved into each others bras and really, there was a lot of homo. I have seen and felt a lot more boobs than I had before this party. Plus, now a whole bunch of different girls that I know and love all know each other too which is excellent.

Second, my cousins stage IV skin cancer is now in her brain, which is shitty and I'm really scared that she's going to die because the odds of any other outcome are really low and she probably doesn't have that much time either. I could probably start counting down the times I'm going to see her before she dies and it would be under twenty or thirty if she dies in two or three months. That's a lot less than the infinite amount of times I assume I still have to hang out with everyone else.

I'm not saying she will die in the next few months, but she might. She might die a few months after that. I looked up the statistics for melanoma patients with tumours that had metastasised to their brain and the median time is 4 months, and only 10% make it to a year. It's still pretty unthinkable to me. I'll panic if I think about it too much. She can't go anywhere, she can't, she can't, she can't. She's like a solid chunk of who I am, and if she were gone, I feel like it would fundamentally change my identity and my sense of self. If I don't have her view on who I am, then who am I? Who she thinks I am is incredibly important to meIf she isn't here to share our childhood memories, how am I supposed to know what's real and what I made up?  How can I ever have a full range of perspectives if I don't have hers?

Cousins are like siblings that you actually like and are also friends with. Her life is supposed to be a mirror of my life. The friend who is always half a step ahead, leading me in the right direction. She anchors everything.

God, what a mess. Only found out this today. Will discuss in more depth later.