I feel really numb.

My cousin, who has been my best friend and almost-sister my entire life, the person who's been there for me for always, who knows everything about me and loves me regardless, she's dying.

Not for sure, but things are bad. Last entry I said the cancer was back. A week later I know the cancer has spread basically everywhere and it's Stage 4.

I've been struggling to write this entry for days because I don't know what to say. Is there anything worth saying that isn't obvious?

Someone I love very dearly is very, very sick and I'm very, very sad about it.

The future is now very uncertain, just in terms of... how my life is going to be, ten, twenty, fifty years from now. In all my stories (and real life plans), my cousin is heavily involved with my life, is Godparent to my children, and basically the one friend and confident that can't ever escape because we're related and it's pretty damn hard to step away from that. That's what is supposed to happen, that's the life path, our children are supposed to be like us, raised together, because there is very few things I'd regret more than my child not having someone as special as Lizzy to play with and know and grow up with, because it certainly is a relationship that is one of the nearest and dearest to my heart.

Obviously I also spend a great deal of time grieving for Lizzy specifically, not just the Lizzy shaped hole that I'm scared might one day exist, but the thing is, the thoughts about how this affects me-- that's the part I can work through, learn to deal with. I can never really do that with the actual Lizzy part, though of course my first priority is her and doing everything I can to make her life easier/better/happier, if I can. I can't even imagine what she's feeling or going through but I'll be spending a lot of time with her this week.

This year really is strange. It's the highest highs and the lowest lows, truly.

I can understand how some people can feel that God is punishing them for being happy, when something like this happens. That's how I feel.

See, I'm an atheist, truly, it's the only rational way I can think about religion. But even so, I'd pray every morning and night if I thought it might do any good. I might anyway, because I'm desperate and I'd never stake someone's life as collateral for my certainty that God doesn't exist. I don't know, mostly it'd just be comforting to know that is tragedy is going to occur, that there's a reason for it, a greater plan.

I'm not saying I believe that, but I'm saying it'd be nice if I did.

So yeah, that's been my life this week. Hope things are going much more smoothly for other people.