:(

I'm sad.

One of my best friends goes back to America tomorrow and I don't know when I'm going to see her again.

My other best friend has both a boyfriend and a boy who is 100% into her that she can skirt the line with and it makes me mad and jealous and frustrated and silent because I don't know what I feel. I don't know if I want her or what she has. I don't know if I want to be her, or be on her. I don't know if I want her to just hug me or if I want her to hug just me and no one else. I don't know if I want her to just love me or be in love with me because I don't know if I love her or am in love with her.

Yes, she is the most perfect girl in the world. But I could be friends with the most perfect girl in the world and only be jealous because I want to be the most perfect girl in the worlds best friend, even though I know you can't hold someone that special back, or hide their light because she shines so very brightly.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't think I want to be in love with her. I think it scares the hell out of me, I think it's stupid and reckless and will ruin one of the best friendships in my life. That's what unrequited love does, because it makes you sad and unhappy and jealous and makes you cry and say stupid things and want things you can't have.

Being in love is only fun if you have a chance.

The fact that she's a girl doesn't scare me, I've loved best friends before, desperately, and it's a lonely business. It involves self sacrifice and you always feel weird about it afterwards, because you never know if deep down your motives are selfish and you are hoping they'll change their mind one day. Every time you hug or ask them out for dinner or kiss them on the cheek or feel jealous of other people in their life, you have to check yourself and make sure.

When I watch Faking It, I feel just like Amy. I really want it to get renewed because I really want a roadmap showing where to go on from here, when you love a best friend who doesn't love you back?

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Edit: I still think I'm kind of confused but less so now that I've slept.

Now that there are two couples in my group of friends, and both are Capital G Gay, it does make me consider that more and I do struggle with falling for close friends because I do feel very intensely about my friends that I sometimes mix it up.

I think though, in this case, that it's more that I'm intensely jealous of this girls charisma, because her smile is like the sun. I like what it gets her, and while I begrudge her nothing because she's equally beautiful on the inside, I wish I was too.