It's funny, there is this quote that has stuck with me for years - "If you date a writer and they don't write about you, they don't love you." I agreed with it when I first heard it, because it fit with my experience. After all, most of this blog was a product of an endless flow of words to and about someone I loved. It had been a very natural outlet that I assumed that was just a result of love. If I loved someone, they would fill my stories and my posts as long as I loved them. For a time when I started dating Orion, I was worried that I must not love him like I should, because I hardly ever felt the need to write anything, not blog posts, not stories, not letters.
I stopped worrying about that awhile ago though. I think writing is how people deal with sadness and regret and helplessness. I always wrote so much because I wanted to imagine a world that was different, where I could say all the things I hadn't said in real life. Where I could imagine how things could change in the future if only events lined up just so. It was a way to re-analyse - why did he say that, what did he mean? What was going on for him that I didn't see the first time? Why did I say that when I could have done this instead?
I also just don't underestimate the novelty of that whole time of my life. It seems bizarre looking back on it. I don't feel the need to play down how intensely I felt about everything. It genuinely felt like the most important thing that had ever happened to me. Honestly, that was probably because it was. I was a baby basically. But how far have I come? For good or bad, so much more of life has happened. This blog was part of that initial development, stepping out into my own self in a way. I can't imagine ever replicating writing new posts every day or two about some new opinion I was forming. Honestly, I can't imagine having that much free time.
But as intensely as I felt at eighteen, honestly it's got nothing on how I feel now. A few nights ago I had the Psych Ball, with all my cohort and supervisors and teachers and it was such an amazing night. Orion and I had had pre drinks with his Mum, and then we had some great D&M's, I got to introduce him to my supervisors and we danced so much. One of the girls in the Professional Masters program who I have class with said to me "So this is the one you draw all those hearts about?" and while it's kinda lame and Orion was like 'you are literally a schoolgirl', I like that it is so apparent that I love Orion with my whole heart. A new Taylor Swift song came out yesterday and there is a lyric "I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck, not because he owns me, but 'cause he really knows me," and I know it isn't a feminist action to want things like that, but honestly it's relatable.
One of my favourite finds in terms of feminist thoughts this year was the idea of 'feminist actions' as opposed to 'acts committed by feminists'. A women can call herself a feminist but that doesn't mean that all of her actions are 'feminist' or that they are guided by feminism and that that is okay. Not every act in one's life needs to be guided by their politics. I think that is a healthier stance than believing that an action is automatically feminist by virtue of it being done by someone who considers themselves to be feminist. Things like taking your husband's name don't further the feminist cause or work to in any way dismantle patriarchal structures that oppress women, therefore they aren't feminist actions. But that is okay, people can make that choice. Obviously there are a lot of actions that have value that play into societal narratives that are already ingrained, such as being a stay at home mother, or getting married, but those things aren't at all bad, in fact they have tremendous value. But they benefit only the individual, not the cause, therefore not feminist.
Oops, went a little off topic. Not that I really have a point, except updating and exploring this idea of the need to write.
Mia and I discussed this last week, and she was on the same page as me. She also has a diary and while equally to me, she is in the middle of the most transformational year of her life in Masters, neither of us are writing much in our respective diaries. Things just feel so settled. All of the girls in our friendship group have partners now, which is a new adjustment. Viv has a girlfriend and Chels has a boyfriend. Obviously I still have single friends but in terms of the core girl gang, we are all partnered. Even Sarah and Brendan are back together. It does change the dynamic, in ways that are somewhat annoying. We have less drama in general, but also hang out a little less (also because all of us are in post grad at either Masters or PhD level) because partners definitely take up a lot of time and take a lot of pressure off needing girlfriends.
I'd like to instigate most Feminist Film Fridays or more breakfasts with friends, or group lunches. It's just so hard being so busy. Mia and I did lunch Fridays all during term because her schedule was Mon-Wed in Sydney then Thursday working as a tutor while I was in class all day, then Friday's we'd do work together and get lunch. But I saw less of Viv and Chels which is a bummer. I'm sure things would have been so different if I had moved in with Viv and Ryan this year but I don't regret my choice. I saved so much money, so much that I'm going to Mexico for Worlds in December, I had South Africa with Orion in two weeks, and we just bought a Mercedes together (dw it's old). Plus it means we've been living together for almost a year, which is kind of wow. And we talk about the future and love each other and it's all so good really. How did life get this good?
We've only had one fight so far and it was over me watching The Good Place without him so I feel pretty okay about where we are at. Hopefully my time in Mexico will be good for me because I'll have to live without him for two weeks and detox a little because currently I miss him when he goes to work for 6 hours :P I am honestly the least chill girlfriend. But I hope he knows it's just because I love him so much and I think the best thing to do is express it. He's a lil more low key, which is okay too.
Anyway, that's pretty much all I have going on. Masters is going well. I'm doing placement at Westmead Children's Hospital in the cancer ward next year. My research is going well, also ironically in cancer. My clients are all going well. I'm developing as a clinician. As a debater, things are going well (obvi I'm going to Worlds). I graduated from undergrad finally (won't have to do that again until April 2019 for Masters).
Honestly, this post is mostly occurring because I'm supposed to be studying for Neuropsych and ew. Okay I'm out xoxo
I stopped worrying about that awhile ago though. I think writing is how people deal with sadness and regret and helplessness. I always wrote so much because I wanted to imagine a world that was different, where I could say all the things I hadn't said in real life. Where I could imagine how things could change in the future if only events lined up just so. It was a way to re-analyse - why did he say that, what did he mean? What was going on for him that I didn't see the first time? Why did I say that when I could have done this instead?
I also just don't underestimate the novelty of that whole time of my life. It seems bizarre looking back on it. I don't feel the need to play down how intensely I felt about everything. It genuinely felt like the most important thing that had ever happened to me. Honestly, that was probably because it was. I was a baby basically. But how far have I come? For good or bad, so much more of life has happened. This blog was part of that initial development, stepping out into my own self in a way. I can't imagine ever replicating writing new posts every day or two about some new opinion I was forming. Honestly, I can't imagine having that much free time.
But as intensely as I felt at eighteen, honestly it's got nothing on how I feel now. A few nights ago I had the Psych Ball, with all my cohort and supervisors and teachers and it was such an amazing night. Orion and I had had pre drinks with his Mum, and then we had some great D&M's, I got to introduce him to my supervisors and we danced so much. One of the girls in the Professional Masters program who I have class with said to me "So this is the one you draw all those hearts about?" and while it's kinda lame and Orion was like 'you are literally a schoolgirl', I like that it is so apparent that I love Orion with my whole heart. A new Taylor Swift song came out yesterday and there is a lyric "I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck, not because he owns me, but 'cause he really knows me," and I know it isn't a feminist action to want things like that, but honestly it's relatable.
One of my favourite finds in terms of feminist thoughts this year was the idea of 'feminist actions' as opposed to 'acts committed by feminists'. A women can call herself a feminist but that doesn't mean that all of her actions are 'feminist' or that they are guided by feminism and that that is okay. Not every act in one's life needs to be guided by their politics. I think that is a healthier stance than believing that an action is automatically feminist by virtue of it being done by someone who considers themselves to be feminist. Things like taking your husband's name don't further the feminist cause or work to in any way dismantle patriarchal structures that oppress women, therefore they aren't feminist actions. But that is okay, people can make that choice. Obviously there are a lot of actions that have value that play into societal narratives that are already ingrained, such as being a stay at home mother, or getting married, but those things aren't at all bad, in fact they have tremendous value. But they benefit only the individual, not the cause, therefore not feminist.
Oops, went a little off topic. Not that I really have a point, except updating and exploring this idea of the need to write.
Mia and I discussed this last week, and she was on the same page as me. She also has a diary and while equally to me, she is in the middle of the most transformational year of her life in Masters, neither of us are writing much in our respective diaries. Things just feel so settled. All of the girls in our friendship group have partners now, which is a new adjustment. Viv has a girlfriend and Chels has a boyfriend. Obviously I still have single friends but in terms of the core girl gang, we are all partnered. Even Sarah and Brendan are back together. It does change the dynamic, in ways that are somewhat annoying. We have less drama in general, but also hang out a little less (also because all of us are in post grad at either Masters or PhD level) because partners definitely take up a lot of time and take a lot of pressure off needing girlfriends.
I'd like to instigate most Feminist Film Fridays or more breakfasts with friends, or group lunches. It's just so hard being so busy. Mia and I did lunch Fridays all during term because her schedule was Mon-Wed in Sydney then Thursday working as a tutor while I was in class all day, then Friday's we'd do work together and get lunch. But I saw less of Viv and Chels which is a bummer. I'm sure things would have been so different if I had moved in with Viv and Ryan this year but I don't regret my choice. I saved so much money, so much that I'm going to Mexico for Worlds in December, I had South Africa with Orion in two weeks, and we just bought a Mercedes together (dw it's old). Plus it means we've been living together for almost a year, which is kind of wow. And we talk about the future and love each other and it's all so good really. How did life get this good?
We've only had one fight so far and it was over me watching The Good Place without him so I feel pretty okay about where we are at. Hopefully my time in Mexico will be good for me because I'll have to live without him for two weeks and detox a little because currently I miss him when he goes to work for 6 hours :P I am honestly the least chill girlfriend. But I hope he knows it's just because I love him so much and I think the best thing to do is express it. He's a lil more low key, which is okay too.
Anyway, that's pretty much all I have going on. Masters is going well. I'm doing placement at Westmead Children's Hospital in the cancer ward next year. My research is going well, also ironically in cancer. My clients are all going well. I'm developing as a clinician. As a debater, things are going well (obvi I'm going to Worlds). I graduated from undergrad finally (won't have to do that again until April 2019 for Masters).
Honestly, this post is mostly occurring because I'm supposed to be studying for Neuropsych and ew. Okay I'm out xoxo
