In the biggest plot twist/dream come true since I got into Clinical Masters, I made the UOW1 team for Australs.
Sometimes when I'm not in a woe-is-me-life-is-so-hard, I marvel at how lucky I am and wonder how it is that I deserve the good things that happen to me. Honestly, like I try hard and do a reasonable amount of work so I don't feel I'm handed things inexplicably, but I also feel that often, life is far, far kinder to me that any one person deserves.
Genuinely, life now that I'm thinking about it, is actually going phenomenally well. I'm busy all the time and fall asleep sometimes in class, but I'm in the course I've been working towards since I was 18, and it's everything I hoped it would be. I'm seeing clients now and feeling happy and confident in my ability as a psychologist. I debate most weekends and am improving, which for the first time in awhile has generated really tangible results. I beat a guy for the first time who has beat me in the last three major tournament trials, which means that I have improved enough to say that there are days we are not only on par but I pull ahead. And I think this guy is an amazing debater which now feels weird to say because in the most objective test of debating we have (trials), I beat him, which means I am also an amazing debater. I can't really fathom that as a true fact about the world but I'm pushing down the urge to delete the positive self-praise because I think it's important to put out in the universe until either I believe it and/ or it is true. One of the strangest things about this weird life I'm leading where I am doing so well is that I can't claim the underdog narrative so readily. Most of my debating mental narrative is around being UOW2, underestimated and struggling but tryinng just as hard. That just isn't true now. And I can't blame any failure on not being taken seriously or not having the opportunity now, because this is my opportunity. Having said that, I don't intend to waste this chance.
The thing with being UOW1 with Ben is that you are forced to step up, to practice more, to watch debates online, to read more news, because with prestige and expectation comes pressure. Rather than preparing hard for a tournament in order to spite people who didn't believe you could do it, now you have to prepare to live up to high expectations (but also prove to people you are on UOW1 for a reason). I have a vivid vision of break night at Australs, as we wait anxiously to hear our name in the break, and then it never coming, like UOW1 last year. I would feel like it would be all my fault. But, I'm also thinking about it like this- when you do something that you really care about and that is meaningful to you, that fear is going to be there. It's there because in order to achieve, you are taking a big risk-- of doing everything you can and it not being enough. And that is terrifying, because to fail at something that means so much to you is a big deal, and it will hurt to fail. But that's only one of the possibilities. To try for something that meaningful and achieve it, that is the best thing in the world you can do, Breaking at Australs would fulfil me completely as a debater, it would prove that I could do it. Go from being scared of public speaking and having never debated before to being one of the best 48 speakers in the Asian Pacific region in 3 years, the thought defies all reason and logic. But it is genuinely possible that we could do it.
Anyway.
Back on the theme of 'how did my life get so good?', I'm still dating Orion, and he's literally the best, I love him heaps, we live next door to each other and fall asleep together every night. He makes me really happy, we never have drama, I never have doubts, and somehow despite our differences, we just work. We had our 1 year anniversary last month, not including our 7 months of FWB, and we are super comfortable together. I feel like we are very open and neither of us are hiding major personality flaws. I feel reasonably confident Orion knows who I am and likes that person, Though of course, he should, I am genuinely a catch. As is he, in different ways. I think back to high school, and I had such anxiety about finding someone, and being good at relationships and feeling so inadequate. I feel like this is much easier to say when you are in a good relationship, but I just don't feel those anxieties now. Firstly because I feel like I am good enough to 'deserve' a relationship, which is a strange thing, because honestly, I think it almost works as a chicken before the egg deal, because you get a relationship, be like 'well, it's working so clearly I am qualified' which is silly and relies on the fact that someone else wanted to date you to validate your worthiness. But then, it allows you to consider all your good qualities without pressure and realise you are pretty good. Hopefully if I am single again at some point, I will be able to remember this mindset where I feel confident that I bring a lot to the table as an ambitious, intelligent 23 year old.
But also, in terms of being 'good at relationships', I feel like I got in on the relationship train just as it was starting to pull out of the station, in terms of ages where it is socially accepted as normal to still be having 'firsts' in terms of relationships. While of course you aren't doomed after that, your options begin to decrease quickly because being in your first relationship has a lot of extra work for the other person and the risk of it crashing and burning is way higher because a) you don't know what you want yet, b) you don't have strategies for conflict resolution yet and c) your expectations for a relationship are likely very far from reality. I lucked out with Orion because he's really good at relationships (and smarmy about it) but his relationship philosophy or style or whatnot just made it really easy for me to develop good habits and expectations. For example, I feel like in my relationship, I do far more communicating about my needs that Orion does, but it's only because he gave me a very safe space to do that that I have developed that skill so well that I never have to resort to passive aggressiveness or frustration over unmet needs. Honestly, if anything, it's him that now needs to extra push to talk about things that bother him cos I'm constantly all cards on the table. But it's a very lovely place to be, when you aren't worried that being all cards on the table is going to fuck you later down the track. Same with being open about feelings, it's the nicest feeling in the world.
My friendships as well are all just good too. My friend Himmi and I just caught up last night with a two hour phone call and it felt like 10 minutes, we only hung up because it was 1230am. Even though I'm busier, I am trying to make time for as many people and events as humanely possible. Anyway, I have currently fucked up by writing this until 12:16 am. Good night, enjoy the life update, xoxo
Sometimes when I'm not in a woe-is-me-life-is-so-hard, I marvel at how lucky I am and wonder how it is that I deserve the good things that happen to me. Honestly, like I try hard and do a reasonable amount of work so I don't feel I'm handed things inexplicably, but I also feel that often, life is far, far kinder to me that any one person deserves.
Genuinely, life now that I'm thinking about it, is actually going phenomenally well. I'm busy all the time and fall asleep sometimes in class, but I'm in the course I've been working towards since I was 18, and it's everything I hoped it would be. I'm seeing clients now and feeling happy and confident in my ability as a psychologist. I debate most weekends and am improving, which for the first time in awhile has generated really tangible results. I beat a guy for the first time who has beat me in the last three major tournament trials, which means that I have improved enough to say that there are days we are not only on par but I pull ahead. And I think this guy is an amazing debater which now feels weird to say because in the most objective test of debating we have (trials), I beat him, which means I am also an amazing debater. I can't really fathom that as a true fact about the world but I'm pushing down the urge to delete the positive self-praise because I think it's important to put out in the universe until either I believe it and/ or it is true. One of the strangest things about this weird life I'm leading where I am doing so well is that I can't claim the underdog narrative so readily. Most of my debating mental narrative is around being UOW2, underestimated and struggling but tryinng just as hard. That just isn't true now. And I can't blame any failure on not being taken seriously or not having the opportunity now, because this is my opportunity. Having said that, I don't intend to waste this chance.
The thing with being UOW1 with Ben is that you are forced to step up, to practice more, to watch debates online, to read more news, because with prestige and expectation comes pressure. Rather than preparing hard for a tournament in order to spite people who didn't believe you could do it, now you have to prepare to live up to high expectations (but also prove to people you are on UOW1 for a reason). I have a vivid vision of break night at Australs, as we wait anxiously to hear our name in the break, and then it never coming, like UOW1 last year. I would feel like it would be all my fault. But, I'm also thinking about it like this- when you do something that you really care about and that is meaningful to you, that fear is going to be there. It's there because in order to achieve, you are taking a big risk-- of doing everything you can and it not being enough. And that is terrifying, because to fail at something that means so much to you is a big deal, and it will hurt to fail. But that's only one of the possibilities. To try for something that meaningful and achieve it, that is the best thing in the world you can do, Breaking at Australs would fulfil me completely as a debater, it would prove that I could do it. Go from being scared of public speaking and having never debated before to being one of the best 48 speakers in the Asian Pacific region in 3 years, the thought defies all reason and logic. But it is genuinely possible that we could do it.
Anyway.
Back on the theme of 'how did my life get so good?', I'm still dating Orion, and he's literally the best, I love him heaps, we live next door to each other and fall asleep together every night. He makes me really happy, we never have drama, I never have doubts, and somehow despite our differences, we just work. We had our 1 year anniversary last month, not including our 7 months of FWB, and we are super comfortable together. I feel like we are very open and neither of us are hiding major personality flaws. I feel reasonably confident Orion knows who I am and likes that person, Though of course, he should, I am genuinely a catch. As is he, in different ways. I think back to high school, and I had such anxiety about finding someone, and being good at relationships and feeling so inadequate. I feel like this is much easier to say when you are in a good relationship, but I just don't feel those anxieties now. Firstly because I feel like I am good enough to 'deserve' a relationship, which is a strange thing, because honestly, I think it almost works as a chicken before the egg deal, because you get a relationship, be like 'well, it's working so clearly I am qualified' which is silly and relies on the fact that someone else wanted to date you to validate your worthiness. But then, it allows you to consider all your good qualities without pressure and realise you are pretty good. Hopefully if I am single again at some point, I will be able to remember this mindset where I feel confident that I bring a lot to the table as an ambitious, intelligent 23 year old.
But also, in terms of being 'good at relationships', I feel like I got in on the relationship train just as it was starting to pull out of the station, in terms of ages where it is socially accepted as normal to still be having 'firsts' in terms of relationships. While of course you aren't doomed after that, your options begin to decrease quickly because being in your first relationship has a lot of extra work for the other person and the risk of it crashing and burning is way higher because a) you don't know what you want yet, b) you don't have strategies for conflict resolution yet and c) your expectations for a relationship are likely very far from reality. I lucked out with Orion because he's really good at relationships (and smarmy about it) but his relationship philosophy or style or whatnot just made it really easy for me to develop good habits and expectations. For example, I feel like in my relationship, I do far more communicating about my needs that Orion does, but it's only because he gave me a very safe space to do that that I have developed that skill so well that I never have to resort to passive aggressiveness or frustration over unmet needs. Honestly, if anything, it's him that now needs to extra push to talk about things that bother him cos I'm constantly all cards on the table. But it's a very lovely place to be, when you aren't worried that being all cards on the table is going to fuck you later down the track. Same with being open about feelings, it's the nicest feeling in the world.
My friendships as well are all just good too. My friend Himmi and I just caught up last night with a two hour phone call and it felt like 10 minutes, we only hung up because it was 1230am. Even though I'm busier, I am trying to make time for as many people and events as humanely possible. Anyway, I have currently fucked up by writing this until 12:16 am. Good night, enjoy the life update, xoxo
