The thing about being in a relationship that I can't avoid is that I'm terrified of what it will feel like if we break up. I try to picture it all the time, not because I think it's going to happen on account of how things are going but just because I think that it's just probability that we'll end, because almost all relationships do and I don't think ours is so special that it'll be the exception.
I'm scared of it because this blog reminds me vividly that I spent 3 years struggling to get over someone who I never dated. I'm so constant with my feelings, I don't know how to move on from anyone or anything, so I know that if Orion even ends things will me, I'll break. I don't know how not to be insecure to the point where I don't base my worth on what guys I love think of me. If we end, I'll feel that it was because I wasn't good enough and I just hope I don't get sick again as a result. I don't think I will, but this is so far outside anything I can predict, I can't even imagine how it would go down or what I would do. I'd be okay, I know. I was okay after Lizzy, I'm not going to lose it over a boyfriend but it would be hard.
I try to make it less hard by throwing out statements like 'I'll take that home with me when we break up' or 'once we end, I'll do that' etc. I think it annoys bae, who's like, just say 'if we break up', not 'when'. And I'm a hypocrite, because the one time bae was teasing me saying something similar, about how we'll break up as soon as I move and we aren't on the same street anymore and I got really defensive being like NO DON'T SAY THAT. It's weird. I know I do it as a defense mechanism, so if we do break up I'll feel prepared, but I also don't believe it mostly. I used the phrase 'when we get married' instead of 'when I get married' the other day, that was embarrassing. We've only been together 6 months, so obvi our long term prospects are still very much up in the air, but I like to think they are there, in a way I don't think either of us expected when we started.
I deeply want to be the person that fits bae, and want him to be that person for me, where it just works and where you want to be with that person for as long into the future as you can see. I don't want us to give up if it becomes impractical or difficult. All that growing together, ride or die stuff, I want that. I guess I love him or whatever :P
Having said that, there are a lot of things that could end us as a couple, but none I can see in the next few months. This Summer is going to be golden, by hell or highwater I'm gonna have the time of my life, with bae and my friends and moving out and finishing my thesis this week, and whatever happens, life is happening all around me and I'm gonna appreciate it all.
Okay, with 6 days til thesis, I should get back to work.
I'm scared of it because this blog reminds me vividly that I spent 3 years struggling to get over someone who I never dated. I'm so constant with my feelings, I don't know how to move on from anyone or anything, so I know that if Orion even ends things will me, I'll break. I don't know how not to be insecure to the point where I don't base my worth on what guys I love think of me. If we end, I'll feel that it was because I wasn't good enough and I just hope I don't get sick again as a result. I don't think I will, but this is so far outside anything I can predict, I can't even imagine how it would go down or what I would do. I'd be okay, I know. I was okay after Lizzy, I'm not going to lose it over a boyfriend but it would be hard.
I try to make it less hard by throwing out statements like 'I'll take that home with me when we break up' or 'once we end, I'll do that' etc. I think it annoys bae, who's like, just say 'if we break up', not 'when'. And I'm a hypocrite, because the one time bae was teasing me saying something similar, about how we'll break up as soon as I move and we aren't on the same street anymore and I got really defensive being like NO DON'T SAY THAT. It's weird. I know I do it as a defense mechanism, so if we do break up I'll feel prepared, but I also don't believe it mostly. I used the phrase 'when we get married' instead of 'when I get married' the other day, that was embarrassing. We've only been together 6 months, so obvi our long term prospects are still very much up in the air, but I like to think they are there, in a way I don't think either of us expected when we started.
I deeply want to be the person that fits bae, and want him to be that person for me, where it just works and where you want to be with that person for as long into the future as you can see. I don't want us to give up if it becomes impractical or difficult. All that growing together, ride or die stuff, I want that. I guess I love him or whatever :P
Having said that, there are a lot of things that could end us as a couple, but none I can see in the next few months. This Summer is going to be golden, by hell or highwater I'm gonna have the time of my life, with bae and my friends and moving out and finishing my thesis this week, and whatever happens, life is happening all around me and I'm gonna appreciate it all.
Okay, with 6 days til thesis, I should get back to work.
