I feel so, so, so sad and upset.
My best friend Jen, who I am completely, ardently, in love with, she's going to the UK in like a week and a half and guess what, she's decided not to make it a holiday after all, and she's not going to come back.
God, I just can't believe it. Well, I can, but I don't want to. I'm not upset with her, it's her dream and it's what she wants but I'm just so sad for me because of my triangle of intimate friends, I have Mia, I have Jen and I had Liz. A month ago I lost Liz, and now I'm losing Jen. How can this be happening? What did I do to deserve this kind of karma?
And now I only have two more weeks of us living in the same country, after that odds are we'll never live in the same place ever again, unless I move to the UK too, and then choose a city based on where she is, and I don't want to be that person that follows. I just wish I had my own dreams and people who were willing to do what it took to make things work, rather than me always making plans based on other people's independent decisions.
I thought we had another six months before she was leaving. Five months wasn't enough. Everything with Jen was going better than it ever has, and we were hanging out all the time and it was always wonderful and unlike any other friendship I've ever had and now she's leaving and it's like, why let me see how good things could be if it was just going to be taken away immediately after?
I know some friendships only last a season and its not about longevity, it's about enjoying time together and making the present count, but I'm just so upset, and for once words are completely failing me. It's not that Jen and I won't continue to be friends, of course we will, but knowing we'd be apart six months and then she'd come home is one thing, knowing that she'll never come home, that we'll never be together again except for holidays, I'm so devastated I can hardly stop crying long enough to think.
It just seems like a complete goddamn tragedy and this year has been everything I thought it wouldn't be. I just wanted things to go a certain way, and I was so happy going into this year and its just all fallen apart and I hate it all so much.
I know it may seem like an overreaction to a friend moving, but it's not. If Jen moves in two weeks, I don't think we'll ever be close friends again. I don't think any friendship can survive a life long separation, let alone a friendship that has only existed for about 16 months, six of which were spent apart, no matter how good it was or how much it mattered or how sure I feel about it, no matter how much I feel that I've never connected with someone so fast or so deeply. She's a soulmate friend and it's not going to be enough because she's moving so far away. I can't survive on monthly skype calls and letters. I need people who can be there all the time, just as much for maccas runs and late night adventures as for conversation and advice. LDR don't work, either romantically or friendship wise, not when it's a close friend. If you really love someone, it's not enough to see them once every two years and talk once a week. I can't do that.
But I don't want to lose Jen and I feel like that's what her news really was. She may have said 'I'm staying in the UK' but all I heard is our friendship as we know it is over. I can't handle this kind of dual grief and unlike with Lizzy where everyone acknowledged it, no one will ever acknowledge that this means our friendship is over, it'll just happen slowly over time until I look back in a decade or two and think about the friend I had and that we lost contact and I'll feel vague regret but know that I couldn't have done anything because there was never any hope of maintaining it forever, no matter how much I love her and she loves me and all I wanted for her and I was to be the kind of friends that lasted forever, no matter where life took us. But I think I'm kidding myself when I think about living in the UK, I can't practice psychology there and I love Australia. I can't move overseas, never permanently. So it's over.
God, fuck. Fuck this, fuck everything. It's just a goddamn fucking tragedy.
Lately there is always something. Jen was the one friendship I had right now that I didn't have something holding me back from. Mia is my bffl but I can't deny that I've had doubts with her, that even this year I've had serious misgivings, serious thoughts of 'maybe we need a break', and there will always be those things there, even as we love each other and support one another. With Megan, we just aren't half as close as we were and I don't know if I want to be, I don't know. I love her to death but she doesn't feel like home anymore. It's not quite as comfortable as it was once. A lot of my friendships feel like that, like I'm uncomfortable where I didn't used to be, where things that I once found funny and exciting I now just find lame or boring and incompatible because everyone is growing up and changing, especially me. I found someone who felt like home and I loved them with everything I have and now I've found out that I can't keep it and I'm really, really, truly, desperately sad that I'm moving into a world that doesn't feel safe and secure, that I'm not going to have people to fall back onto that love me and that I can go home to, it's all just me alone and that's the scariest, realest thought I've ever had.
My best friend Jen, who I am completely, ardently, in love with, she's going to the UK in like a week and a half and guess what, she's decided not to make it a holiday after all, and she's not going to come back.
God, I just can't believe it. Well, I can, but I don't want to. I'm not upset with her, it's her dream and it's what she wants but I'm just so sad for me because of my triangle of intimate friends, I have Mia, I have Jen and I had Liz. A month ago I lost Liz, and now I'm losing Jen. How can this be happening? What did I do to deserve this kind of karma?
And now I only have two more weeks of us living in the same country, after that odds are we'll never live in the same place ever again, unless I move to the UK too, and then choose a city based on where she is, and I don't want to be that person that follows. I just wish I had my own dreams and people who were willing to do what it took to make things work, rather than me always making plans based on other people's independent decisions.
I thought we had another six months before she was leaving. Five months wasn't enough. Everything with Jen was going better than it ever has, and we were hanging out all the time and it was always wonderful and unlike any other friendship I've ever had and now she's leaving and it's like, why let me see how good things could be if it was just going to be taken away immediately after?
I know some friendships only last a season and its not about longevity, it's about enjoying time together and making the present count, but I'm just so upset, and for once words are completely failing me. It's not that Jen and I won't continue to be friends, of course we will, but knowing we'd be apart six months and then she'd come home is one thing, knowing that she'll never come home, that we'll never be together again except for holidays, I'm so devastated I can hardly stop crying long enough to think.
It just seems like a complete goddamn tragedy and this year has been everything I thought it wouldn't be. I just wanted things to go a certain way, and I was so happy going into this year and its just all fallen apart and I hate it all so much.
I know it may seem like an overreaction to a friend moving, but it's not. If Jen moves in two weeks, I don't think we'll ever be close friends again. I don't think any friendship can survive a life long separation, let alone a friendship that has only existed for about 16 months, six of which were spent apart, no matter how good it was or how much it mattered or how sure I feel about it, no matter how much I feel that I've never connected with someone so fast or so deeply. She's a soulmate friend and it's not going to be enough because she's moving so far away. I can't survive on monthly skype calls and letters. I need people who can be there all the time, just as much for maccas runs and late night adventures as for conversation and advice. LDR don't work, either romantically or friendship wise, not when it's a close friend. If you really love someone, it's not enough to see them once every two years and talk once a week. I can't do that.
But I don't want to lose Jen and I feel like that's what her news really was. She may have said 'I'm staying in the UK' but all I heard is our friendship as we know it is over. I can't handle this kind of dual grief and unlike with Lizzy where everyone acknowledged it, no one will ever acknowledge that this means our friendship is over, it'll just happen slowly over time until I look back in a decade or two and think about the friend I had and that we lost contact and I'll feel vague regret but know that I couldn't have done anything because there was never any hope of maintaining it forever, no matter how much I love her and she loves me and all I wanted for her and I was to be the kind of friends that lasted forever, no matter where life took us. But I think I'm kidding myself when I think about living in the UK, I can't practice psychology there and I love Australia. I can't move overseas, never permanently. So it's over.
God, fuck. Fuck this, fuck everything. It's just a goddamn fucking tragedy.
Lately there is always something. Jen was the one friendship I had right now that I didn't have something holding me back from. Mia is my bffl but I can't deny that I've had doubts with her, that even this year I've had serious misgivings, serious thoughts of 'maybe we need a break', and there will always be those things there, even as we love each other and support one another. With Megan, we just aren't half as close as we were and I don't know if I want to be, I don't know. I love her to death but she doesn't feel like home anymore. It's not quite as comfortable as it was once. A lot of my friendships feel like that, like I'm uncomfortable where I didn't used to be, where things that I once found funny and exciting I now just find lame or boring and incompatible because everyone is growing up and changing, especially me. I found someone who felt like home and I loved them with everything I have and now I've found out that I can't keep it and I'm really, really, truly, desperately sad that I'm moving into a world that doesn't feel safe and secure, that I'm not going to have people to fall back onto that love me and that I can go home to, it's all just me alone and that's the scariest, realest thought I've ever had.
