As I always am when I blog, I'm in emotional overload.

I don't know why exactly, but I'm hoping to unpack it right now. I don't feel like blogging, it really doesn't help me the way it used to but it is still the best way to get things out, even if it's like pulling teeth, rather than like unblocking a dam.

I went to a Debating Competition with my bffl's on-a-break boyfriend and a girl I hadn't met until today, because she's a first year, but on the UOW1 team for Easters, because she's awesome. So, she and my bffl's on-a-break boyfriend, who I am going to just call Ben because I can't write out bffls on-a-break boyfriend 5000 times, are in the same team for Easters and their third couldn't come so I went with to fill in and get practice as Third Speaker, which isn't my usual position and I was really uncomfortable with it and wouldn't get much of a chance to practice before Easters so it was a great chance in that way. Plus Ben is an amazeballs debater and we never get to debate together so it was super fun in that way. Plus all the topics ended up being feminism and LGBT and oppression of the poor/marginalized so it was exactly my kind of tournament.

Did I mention that I did amazing at Debating Trials and I made the UOW2 team?? Yaaaasssss. That might not sound impressive but we have six teams and they are ranked, 1 is the best, 2 is still competitive, and then 3, 4, 5, 6 etc.

So I've actually become decent :) The bffl is UOW4.

So, first thing is that the bffl and Ben are definitely breaking up. That's still confidential of course, but this is my confidential blog soooooo.... it's hard. I really like Ben, I respect him and want to be closer friends, I think I always kind of have, but in the last six months especially, and now I don't know what's going to happen there.

I'm not allowed to mention any feelings I have about the break up to the bffl, which is fair enough I suppose, she has her own feelings on the matter, but since I can't tell anyone, it's still hard. I'm really sad to see them ending this way. I mean, they are still a couple technically. Until they talk on Wednesday. But I know the direction that is going to go.

Ben doesn't. Obviously. I couldn't tell him. We talked of course, about her, and how he was doing. I know he loves her desperately. He said the most romantic thing I've ever heard, I wanted to memorise it and make it my blog description, but I've completely forgotten it. It was like 'wait until you fall in love Lucy, it makes you feel..." something, I can't remember what he said, but it was like, damn son, young Shakespeare in our midst. It was a 'hurt so good' type quote but it was phenomenal. It'll come back to me, I hope.

He also said thank you to me for asking how he was going, which surprised me. The only reason I normally held back asking is because I didn't want to seem like I was prying. Of course, I was desperate to really know how he felt. I'm so incredibly curious about people. People I like especially. I want to understand them, get under their skin.

I couldn't say anything either way. Every time Mia was brought up during the day, somehow it happened a lot, without it being intentional, I just covered my mouth so my facial expression wasn't so obvious. I don't have a straight face for these things so it was difficult to just not react every time Ben called Mia his 'tentative girlfriend'. I really do want them to stay together, for her to be in love with him and to just work it out. It's such BS that it can't be worked out and tbh I'm on Mia's side in that I do understand her and know that she's doing the best she can, but it's impossible not to notice that the greatest harm here is being done to Ben and I can't even imagine myself in his position, it's just so unimaginatively awful. The waiting and the way she's just being so dispassionate about the whole thing, I just don't like it and I don't get it.

It's all very difficult.

Terrible things are happening at Hogwarts

This week has basically been a train wreck. I don't know why I've changed from being the person who loves retelling every detail of things that go wrong to my blog to the person who cannot summon the energy to recall the details yet again but I'm going to give it my best shot.

First, Liz has been in hospital all week and to be honest, I thought she was going to die. Like, on Wednesday, Mum texted me that she was in the hospital, actually what she texted was 'think Liz is dying, enormous brain tumours and extreme pain' and then she turned her phone off for an hour and a half so imagine me for that hour and a half, freaking out.

That evening after Debating, I told my best mate's boyfriend about it, because he and Liz are friends and she was supposed to adj our Debating Trials the following week and I figured I should give him the heads up that she likely wouldn't be able to do it. At this point, I believed that she was in palliative care and I wasn't even sure if I'd get a chance to say goodbye before she passed away. This the the same girl I hung out with last week as I tried on all her dresses to find one to borrow for a cocktail party, so it felt very sudden and overwhelming.

I ended up also telling the guy something that my best friend had told me about her maybe not going to the big competition at the beginning of April, which was really major because they are on a very-serious-break and while what I told him didn't seem like a big deal, to him it was, and he's coping not at all with the break so that evening I spent trying to mediate their problems. Meanwhile, my phone had died so I was terrified that when I eventually made it home, I'd find out Liz had died. So, this best friend boyfriend drama actually was kind of welcome. I didn't mean to start it, mind you, but it gave me something to think about.

Still, it ended up being a really bad thing because the next day, my unknowing start of the drama, causing the boyfriend to freak and the bffl to have to talk to him (which was against the idea of the break) made her super mad at me, like furious, and I was furious with her for being furious with me because I'd done everything I could to help the night before and the comment I made that sparked things was, in my opinion, completely innocuous and reasonable. So when the boyfriend called me and told me that my best friend was super mad at me - and I was already in a terrible state, because Liz was still in dire straights and everything was still totally up in the air- I got completely upset and mad and I was in the middle of composing a very long message on facebook when she messaged me, to let me know what the boyfriend had already told me, that she wanted to kill me and I had better stay very fucking far away from her until she wasn't mad. So I released, moments later, my own tirade, telling her that she was being completely irrational, and that maybe we needed a fucking break of our own. What I mean was that maybe she was the problem and if she kept it up, she wouldn't have any friends left (I was very angry at her). I just did not want to deal with it, but it certainly gave me something to think about and direct my feelings into.

To be honest, I'd been feeling really numb, like I was going through the actions of being sad, like it was a piece of performance art. How sad you are is directly correlated to how sad you act and clearly that meant I should act very very sad, even if I wasn't sure that was how I felt. I just felt pragmatic and numb and like 'ok however this plays out, it plays out', and it was only when other people cried that I cried, but finally I at least cried a bit over the fight and everything else. I mean, I genuinely was upset, when the boyfriend called and told me, I could barely speak, though he's kind of self absorbed and it wasn't until I was like, right, ok, bye, that he was like 'are you ok?' but I'd already hung up by then.

The thing that was complicating the fight, is that this is my best friend, so obviously I'd already told her about Liz and she was my main support for that, and suddenly, because of her and her boyfriends stupid break, I'd lost her support when I really, really needed it.

To her complete credit, she understood that and was very explicit that although she was mad, her problems and the fight didn't rank at all compared to the Liz situation and she was there for me in whatever way I needed. Unfortunately, I can't compartmentalise like that and to me, she couldn't be there for me, because I was mad at her and she'd made herself into someone I couldn't use for support.

I hope that makes sense. Like, even though I knew the fight would blow over and that we'd work things out, that day that I needed her was the day we hadn't worked things out and you can't just work things out because you want to, sometimes when you both are in the wrong, you need time to forgive and get over it.

That night I was supposed to be going out for drinks/ Retro with the girls so after a shocking day at uni of passive aggressive text messages (the boyfriend had messaged me after I hung up on him, saying that he hoped I was okay, that he was thinking of me and Liz, despite his own grief over the break etc but I was still pissed that by helping him with his dumb problems, I'd fucked up my own life at a point when I really couldn't deal with it) and endless tutes, I went out, got drunk, ended up crying in the bathroom after a few songs that were completely innocuous, bar some lines like 'I'll be gone in a day or two' etc, that sent me bawling. And then the other girls left, my best friend and I were the last two, we'd made up 90% the second we arrived for drinks, she just hugged me and asked if I was ok and that was enough really, and at the end of the night she hugged me again and I was supposed to be walking home and she got a taxi and I felt self destructive so I waited around the corner for a bit, then went back inside, did some awkward dancing by myself until I found two girls who were friendly and danced with them. That doesn't always happen, but this time it did, only we ended up together in a bathroom stall and they offered me Jungle Juice which is a drug that you sniff and get a minute long high. I hadn't heard of it then but I looked it up later.

I was really in a bad place I guess, and I got unlucky/lucky that that ended up being the night I made friends with the girls that do drugs in a bathroom stall with girls they just met.

Anyways, after awhile, I said goodbye to them, kissed them both on the cheek to say thank you for being kind to me and caught a taxi home. I had work the next morning but it was fine, I wasn't hungover or anything. I was asleep by half past three and got 6 hours sleep. Not too shabby.

I saw Liz today and she's doing a million times better and things are nearly back to good. At least back to the not-falling-apart level.

I went out tonight as well, but I'm home by midnight and at least mildly drunk Lucy is the Lucy that is motivated enough to write things down.

I'm now unemployed, today was my last shift at work. Come tomorrow, the crepe shop will no longer exist, which is sad. That's why my crepe friends and I did drinks tonight. I really hope we'll stay friends. They both said the same thing, so hopefully we'll do this kind of thing on the regular.

Okay, that's it, all I wanted to get out, that I've been a nutcase all week but I'm hoping to improve and learn how to deal with grief in a much, much, less destructive way.