It's bad that I sometimes relapse into writing about you-know-who. It's barely even a relapse, I didn't really ever stop, I just write and write and it's nice.

My best friend writes about boys she doesn't talk to anymore, and it's not about them anymore, they're just characters. That's what I do. I know the difference, because in my stories he actually wants me haha.

Sometimes I used to write because I liked to have conversations, like when my blog spoke in second person, and it was always at him. All that crap that goes unsaid even now. I talk to him in my head, probably every day. I mean, not just him, the way I self talk apparently isn't totally normal, I keep a constant stream of commentary in my mind, to him, to Mia, to my blog. I don't know how to shut up. I just monologue always, even now while I type, half my brain is occupied with meta writing, commenting.

I talked to him today. His girlfriend is also on the other side of the world to him, not my side of it but far away. I don't really keep tabs on any of that, but when he speaks I do tend to remember, even if he doesn't pay half that attention to me. A few days before I left, he offered me a job for when uni started back, not realising that I would be gone until July. Like I hadn't mentioned I was going in exchange for the semester.

He is a douchenozzle dickweed but he's also my friend and as I told him today, us staying friends despite him no longer having contact with anyone from high school was always a foregone conclusion. When he asked why, I just said that I'd put too much effort in to let our friendship drop now. Not to mention, even from the other side of the world part of me still wants him, still craves late night conversations and intimacies.

It's terrible and I accept at this point that certain morals in me fell to the wayside somewhere but honestly, it's not the worst thing in the world.

I don't do anything, haven't for years. Don't try, don't even want to most of the time.

I've also been trying to articulate exactly how I feel about falling in love with someone and doing all of that, and it terrifies me a bit. It's been over two years since him and I, two massive years. I'm 26 hours by plane away from him now, the total opposite side of the world, and I still like him sometimes, still think about him romantically or whatever.

When we talk in person I don't, I lose the appeal, I remember the difference between who I think of in my head and who he is (as of course change isn't one way, and obviously my idealised version that resides in my head and in my stories does not fully represent real life you-know-who, who is more awkward, more disappointing, more rude and much less into me.)

Anyway, it was obviously a bit more of a massive emotional deal than I was aware of at the time. I mean, sure, I jumped quickly from 'love is for idiots and probs doesn't exist' to a complete surety in that my feelings were undeniably love, so it was strong. It's probably why I was so desperate to be with him at any cost, to others and to myself. And it did cost, it hurt and still hurts. I got close to depression and an eating disorder and even now, my self esteem and how i view myself is influenced by his opinions and judgements of me.

I'm scared of dropping myself into that again. Emotional vulnerability isn't fun for me in theory. I tend to be fine with it when I find myself in those situations and once I start to like someone, I become queen of openness and 'the heart wants what the heart wants' and wanting to confess, and be honest, but outside of that, I hate it.

One thing that has helped lately, is making new friends. Just friends, but it can be similar, it's still getting to know you, and learning about each other, and wanted to impress them, and prove you are a nice, good, attractive person. I remembered it's actually a fun process, it's not just a chore that you have to do to get to the other stages.

So when I date, I'm sure it'll be like that. And while obviously I won't mention it, they will just have to live with my weird deal with my you-know-who feelings. It's not like I can help them at this point.

So I'm drunk.

I'm just leading with that, because I am predicting that it'll come across in this post and now you won't be confused when I get weird(er).

It's the Erasmus night really, which is the Exchange students from Europe. They are apparently quite clique-y, but all us non-Erasmus were like, whatever, and decided to get drunk and go out too.

We met up in ROom 16, which belongs to Simon (from UoW) and some other people I've met once or twice through him, Laura and Olivia. We decided to play Kings, or Kings Cup (depending on where you come from, different name, different rules, but it's pretty universal) to predrink. Previous roommates left me/ Jen and I (Jen doesn't drink) lots of alcohol. One and a half bottles of vodka, one mostly full bottle of cider, wine, and something beer-like. I took the half full vodka and the cider to drink.

I actually really liked playing Kings. I've watched people play it once before, but it's a lot easier to understand when you are part of it. Basically,  you assign each card value with a rule, like 6=Dicks, which means all the guys drink, or 4= Whores (girls drink). Ace is the worst, it's waterfall, which means the first person starts drinking, and as soon as the person next to you starts, you have to and you can't stop until they stop. So it's like a round, and you get evil people that prolong it to torture others. Once you have mixed vodka into your cider, this is not a nice thing.

The 'Kings' part comes into it because every time someone picks a King (the cards are all facedown), they have to pour some of whatever they are drinking into the King's Cup, in the middle. Whoever picks the last King has to scull the foul concoction of mixed drinks and is very likely to become what I fondly call 'white girl wasted'.

Afterwards, we went out to the Monkey Suit, which is a bar nearby. I forgot my ID, didn't even occur to me, but I wasn't the only one, Olivia also forgot. She has a better excuse though, because she's from the States, she's not used to being legal and having to show ID. So we walked back, picked up our student cards, and went back.

But I was only there for 10 minutes. I just wasn't in the mood. I'm not used to bars really, and I'm not used to not dressing up for going out. Like, I wasn't dressed in a way that I thought of myself as pretty and feminine, which is what I like to feel when I talk to guys. Like, picking up, or flirting, it can only be done if I'm feeling good and I just wasn't feeling it. Plus, I wasn't with anyone I really knew well enough to stick with, so I was aimless and had no one to judge me once I split off from the group. I came home, made hot chocolate and started writing this to prove a) that alcohol is fun in reasonable amounts and b) that I only drank a reasonable amount. I have class at 9 so I wasn't really feeling lie torturing myself in 8 hours.

I liked the social aspects of drinking games though. It was just fun, to drink and play the stupid game. Everyone gets to know each other, and interact, it's social. And because you are constantly calling other people out and yelling at them to drink (or 'fuck' since in our game, the rule changed to 'instead of using the word 'drink', you say 'fuck', so you shout 'you have to fuck!')

In other news, Uni is okay, stressful and the organisation of orientation was shit, I got none of my subjects that I should have, but at this point, I'm just glad to have subjects. I've also started to paint, and if I do say so myself, they are quite impressive. If I work at it, I may have a latent talent for it :) I'm really good at trees.

Living at the Printworks is awesome, I like it. I like having flatmates, I like living 'alone', I like doing my own thing. I like exploring and travelling and not having to work. Life is fucking great.

Bye!

“Wait, these are actually hella cute questions.”

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Chelsea and Jen on New Years. We had to get through a crowd of over 100000 people and linked up so we wouldn't lose each other :) 2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy. This question isn't even grey area. I'm outgoing exactly never. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My new flatmates. Hopefully they should all move in this weekend. 4. Are you easy to get along with? Not exactly. I mean, I'm easygoing and reasonably eager to please but I'm quiet which makes me hard to get to know in a group and can create awkwardness. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I'm not really into anyone right now. When I'm in the mood to be into someone, I go back to my factory standard, but that's not really a crush anymore, just like a remnant left in my DNA. I like to think that anyone I liked would be willing to look after me if I was in a state. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? I've answered this one a million times, but people are are confident, that are really into me and willing to express it in abstract ways. People that are good kissers. People who are passionate about something. People that are funny. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? It's very unlikely, but anything is possible. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? The hot Italian boy eating noodles next to me on the couch. I'm so awkward but he is so hot I just can not even. 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Not at all for the most part. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jen probably. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? My phone is in my room, but something like 'I just downloaded pretty little liars if you want to put it on your usb' 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? State of Grace, by T Swizzle. Like a Drum, by Guy Sebastion, Kiss Me, by Ed Sheeran, Ours, by T Swizzle, and Alone Together, by Fall Out Boy. 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? I like people brushing my hair and braiding it etc, but not stroking it for no reason. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? I believe the universe is random, so sure, people get 'lucky' and miracles happen, but not for a reason. 15. What good thing happened this summer? Well, I am kind of skipping Summer this year, but I got to travel to Europe so that's good. I got to go to some cute parties and make some new friends. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Nah, they sucked. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yeah, but I think it's very likely not to be in the humanoid way we imagine. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? No, never. Haven't for like 8 years.  19. Do you like bubble baths? Everyone likes bubble baths. And it's so sad because there is this shop in the UK called 'Lush' which is like The Body Shop, but full of handmade, beautiful, scented bath bombs and other items like that and I don't have a bath now! And it's reasonably prices and the whole shop smells like happiness. 20. Do you like your neighbors? No opinion. Where I am now, everyone is so unfriendly though! No one talks, they just ignore us, it's so weird. 21. What are you bad habits? Overeating, not doing things straight away, being messy. 22. Where would you like to travel? Everywhere, but right now, top of the list (and all happening most likely) are Italy, Ireland, Greece and Croatia. 23. Do you have trust issues? Not really. I think people are all good really. Not to everyone, but everyone pretty much has friends that they aren't assholes to, so you just have to work out how to make people treat you like they treat their friends. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Checking Tumblr when I wake up :) 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Arms I think. But the list is so long, it's difficult to work out exactly which is number 1. 26. What do you do when you wake up? Open my computer. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? It would be nice to have olive skin but being fair is something I'm happy with. 28. Who are you most comfortable around? Mia. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Kind of I guess. None of them have had the choice though soooooo 30. Do you ever want to get married? I would like to, but not right now. 31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yeah, but I wish it was heaps longer! 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Jarad Padalecki and Jensen Ackles would be top of the list. But any time Scarlet Johansson or Darren Criss wanted to join, I would be down 100%. Misha Collins could do me 12 ways from Sunday. This is a hard question because the list is so very, very long. 33. Spell your name with your chin. Maybe when I don't have company who would think I was fucking insane. 34. Do you play sports? What sports? Netball, basketball. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Music, but it would be sad. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Many, many. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? Nothing. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? I swear we already did this question. But since I normally describe my dream guy, I'll give girls a go (because they are quite different really). My dream girl is pretty, my crushes all tend to be in the archetype of six 6/ size 0, but that's just a preference, not at all required. Boobs are nice, but I'm not a breast girl, for me, physical body attractiveness is summed up in the waist to hip waist ratio. I can't help it, hourglass figures are sexy because they mean great ass. Girls that are quiet but know what they believe in. That have themselves sorted, know where they are going, study hard, get great marks and are decently street smart. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Book stores, stationary stores, reject shops. 40. What do you want to do after high school? Travel, become a clinical psychologist, work with kids. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? No, some things are unforgivable but generally only crimes and things. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Could mean anything, it's a regular state for me. 43. Do you smile at strangers? I like to. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Outer space :) 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Breakfast! 46. What are you paranoid about? People  judging me, especially what I look like. 47. Have you ever been high? No, if I was still at home, I would have been high last night, but instead here I am. 48. Have you ever been drunk? Yep, it's pretty fun. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Well, nothing like 'Oh God, that must go to the grave' but I wouldn't particularly like someone watching CCTV of my evening. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Blue, it;s my school hoodie, I'm wearing it now. 51. Ever wished you were someone else? All the time. But I can't imagine, if there was a button I could press to switch selves with someone, that I would do it. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My appearance. 53. Favourite makeup brand? Covergirl. 54. Favourite store? Online Waterstones is my favourite right now. Each book for 69p. Unfortunately that didn't include shipping but still, 7 books for about $40, hopefully I'll get them in a few days! 55. Favourite blog? Mine, duh. 56. Favourite colour? Pink. 57. Favourite food? Chocolate. Right now, Galaxy Bars. 58. Last thing you ate? Cheese. 59. First thing you ate this morning? Pizza. 60. Ever won a competition? For what? I can't remember, I suck. 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Nah. 62. Been arrested? For what? Nah. 63. Ever been in love? Yeah. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? At home, with my best friend. She must have suggested we try, or practice or whatever. We hopped in my bed and shucked our clothes, and cuddled while kind of tonguing. 65. Are you hungry right now? The opposite. Ate too much. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Lol no. 67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook. 68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr. 69. Are you watching tv right now? Nope. 70. Names of your bestfriends? Mia and Megan. 71. Craving something? What? Nothing. 72. What colour are your towels? Red. 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? Anywhere from zero to 3. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Ew. No. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? None. 75. Favourite animal? Dogs. 76. What colour is your underwear? Right now black, but I just got some of the cutest undies ever. I've been looking for boy shorts for ages and finally found some, they are the greatest. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate. 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Mint choc chip. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Black. 80. What colour pants? Black and red, I've been at the gym. 81. Favourite tv show? Supernatural. 82. Favourite movie? Titanic. 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Sequels are never any good. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean girls. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Cady, 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Dory. 87. First person you talked to today? Too long ago, do not remember. 88. Last person you talked to today? Italian boy. 89. Name a person you hate? Hitler. 90. Name a person you love? Megan. 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Not right now. 92. In a fight with someone? Nope. 93. How many sweatpants do you have? I don't really know what sweatpants are. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Idk, I live in England, a bunch. 95. Last movie you watched? Pitch Perfect. 96. Favourite actress? Jennifer Lawrence.  97. Favourite actor? Shit, um. I do not know. I don't think I have a 'my babyyyy' actor right now. I have some that I love the face of, and love the personality of, but who would make me like, burn my face off to meet? I cannot anwser. 98. Do you tan a lot? Nope. 99. Have any pets? No :'( 100. How are you feeling? Finnnne. Bored of these questions. 101. Do you type fast? Ish. I only type with six fingers so I'm not like, amazing. 102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yeah, heaps, but I doubt I would do anything different. 103. Can you spell well? Wut. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yeahhhhh. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeahhhhh. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Probs. Idk. Idc. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yeahhhhh. 108. What should you be doing? Nothing, it's night time. 109. Is something irritating you right now? Nahhhh. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Of course, what other way can you really like someone? 111. Do you have trust issues? Nope. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Don't remember. 113. What was your childhood nickname? Lucy isn't that prone to being nicknamed. Each one tends to be specific to a couple of people, rather than just one childhood universal nickname, like when Grace's are Gracie's or Katherine's are Katie's, or Nicole's are Nicky's. I got a bit of Lucy Goosie maybe? 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? I am on the other side of the world. 115. Do you play the Wii? Not really. 116. Are you listening to music right now? Nope. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? It's alright. 118. Do you like Chinese food? Love it. 119. Favourite book? The Third Day, the Frost, by John Marsden. 120. Are you afraid of the dark? Only as much as is perfectly reasonable. 121. Are you mean? Lil bit. 122. Is cheating ever okay? Lil bit. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Not for a day. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. 125. Do you believe in true love? I beleive people fall in love again and again and again and one time is never necessarily more true and right and perfect than any other. 126. Are you currently bored? Yes, when will this fucking list be done? JFC. 127. What makes you happy? Travelling. Being loves. Yummy food. Relaxing. TV shows that are good. Pretty people. 128. Would you change your name? My last name, if I got married and the other person had a better surname than me. If their's was worse, the could have mine. 129. What your zodiac sign? Sagitarious. 130. Do you like subway? It is fine. 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Make out with them, idk, who is my best friend of the opposite sex now. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jen probably. 133. Favourite lyrics right now? So you were never a saint, and I loved in shades of wrong, we learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts. 134. Can you count to one million? I am sure I could. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? 'I didn't do it' whn there are no other suspects (I do it a lot) 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed. 137. How tall are you? 5'5' 138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight as. 139. Brunette or Blonde? Blonde. 140. Summer or Winter? Summer (but winter is growing on me). 141. Night or Day? I like both.... um.... Day. 142. Favourite month? December. 143. Are you a vegetarian? No. Couldn't do it. Respect people that can. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk. 145. Tea or Coffee? Tea. 146. Was today a good day? Yeah. 147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers. 148. What’s your favourite quote? "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."  ~ Maya Angelou 149. Do you believe in ghosts? Nope. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? I literally don't own a single book right now, it's terrifying.

I like being on Exchange, it's pretty rad.

Jen and I watch movies and make hot chocolates and buy cute things for our rooms and walk around town and nap.

I skype Mia in the mornings, chat to people around the place.

It's exam week around the flat so all of last semesters residents are still here. There're really nice though, and are full of helpful tidbits about uni and the town.

Plus there is a hot, hot, hot Italian boy. He's funny. Hopefully when our new flatmates come next week, we'll get a new hot Italian because there is literally is nothing more attractive.

But yeah, just a little update. Between all the postcards and letters I'm writing, it's almost boring to update the ol' blog as well.